Christmas

So Christmas happened. It was fun. I had the family almost all together…except for Noah. That was sad. Everyone liked their christmas presents. I think that counts as me winning at christmas.

I got a cpap cleaning machine for christmas from mom and dad…which makes me feel guilty. Those things run like 300 bucks. And I probably won’t use it. cleaning my cpap machine takes me less than 2 minutes as is. I tried telling dad that but he said if I just try it it will be worth the 300…so I’m going to try it. I just hope that its not a waste of money.

So the new year is around the corner. I’m going to lose weight this year. I think that will be my focus. Joe got me a FitBit so it should be easier. I want to be 135 lbs by this time next year.

Well I apparently have to run. I’ll do something more blogging later.

The most wonderful time of the year

I’ve discovered I’m a morning person. It’s something new since my FND. I went to bed at 7 last night and got up at 3 with no issues. I just wish I had energy to do what I wanted. I mean I wake up refreshed in the morning, but my energy levels burn at a constant low. Caffeine doesn’t help. Water doesn’t help. I suspect that exercise would help, but that requires a baseline energy I don’t have. I need something that will force me to exercise.

So I have off for Yule. That’s exciting. I’m planning what I’m going to do on it currently. I want to stay up and greet the sun, but that requires more stamina than I currently have, and no one to stay up all night with. I saw one of my friends on Instagram do a ritual that I think I’m going to do. She just wrote her wishes on bayleaves and burned them. That plus a fire in the backyard will be nice.

I’ve been sick all week. A sinus infection and bronchitis. I’ve missed so much work that it’s killing me. I never thought I’d love a job as much as I do. I started having dreams of taking care of my kids. Like just getting them lunch and making sure they eat. Stupid stuff like that.

Christmas is a little more than a week away. I’m excited. I love spending time with families. My family is especially beloved for obvious reasons. I can’t wait to see my granny! Even with her cancer and chemo and all of that she still came out to visit us! I love my grandmother so much!

So I’ve been bummed this past week for two reasons. The first is that I was too sick to work. I was also too sick to make it out to Joe’s family’s Xmas party. I hated it. I love his family almost as much as I love him. So missing it killed me. And missing out on work made it so much worse! I cried I was so frustrated.

So instead I watched my little pony and crafted. Eventually I was Invited to a little cocktail hour at a friends house. So I had a good weekend. It just wasn’t what I wanted.

I have two and a half days of work this week and then I’m on break. And I keep thinking, why couldn’t my sick couldn’t have waited a week. I could have worked last week and been sick on my break. I could have been recovering during Christmas. I could have used it as an excuse to skip out on mass. Well I guess it was good. If I got Granny sick I wouldn’t forgive myself.

I can’t wait to give out my presents. I love personalizing everyone’s presents to something I think they’d like. The only person I don’t think will be thrilled by their present is Joe’s dad. Man he’s a hard person to shop for.

Big day tomorrow. I get back to working!

Morning babblings

This week at work has been really hard. Not bad, just hard. The kids have been out of control. I’m to the point where I don’t want to go and see what they have in store for me today. I mean, I still love my job, but it’s been chaos all week. Luckily I’ve received no injuries so far. They seem to either fear or respect me too much for that. I’m pretty sure it’s respect. I think it’s because I’m taller than most of the other teachers aides that work in my classroom. I’m also pretty no nonsense. If they are doing something wrong I tell them to stop instead of asking nicely. I used to ask nicely, but they walked all over me. Now it’s better. I don’t know. Watch me get horribly injured today because I said something.

I’ve been doing a piss poor job at dieting. I need to eat bigger lunches and also not eat out. I ate out yesterday as an excuse to be in my quiet car for 30 minutes. I could have eaten at work. I even brought a lunch, but instead I went to McDonald’s to escape the chaos. Though on a positive note I had a salad for dinner.

I’ve gotten no chores done this week. I mean I did 3/4 of the Windows last night but in the scheme of things that’s nothing. I keep going back to my to do list and thinking “that should be done before the party on Sunday. Or I think that I need Joe’s help, and he’s been out at night all week. Hopefully tonight we can get a new rug for our living room (my Christmas present :) ) which means we can finish the living room.

I’m successful in cutting out cigarettes...well mostly. I smoked during the party this past weekend. But I had planned on that. My e cig can’t keep up with my smoking during outdoor parties. That’s going to be a hard thing to quit. Because I’m quitting entirely. No smoking while camping, no cigarettes at parties, nothing. I want to have good lungs. I’m hoping that joe will quit too one day too. It’s hard, but I want him to be healthy too.

I haven’t read a word this week. Between my weekly games on Tuesday and Thursday, and chores I just haven’t had the time. Well I guess I have had the time because I have read a lot of Reddit. I guess I need to stop lying to myself.

I have done my daily goal of duolingo. That’s heartening. Mostly it’s been review so it’s easy sauce. I am liking Spanish. It will also be important for my job. That and Arabic. But what I want to learn is Japanese. Maybe one day I’ll get there, but I need to master Arabic and Spanish first. And Arabic is coming out on Duolingo soon!!

I’ve decided this year as a Christmas gift for myself I’m going to come out of the broom closet. I’m going to post on Facebook that I’m a nature worshipping, ancestor venerating heathen. I think what will be harder is coming out to my dad. He’ll want to debate it, and I’m just not comfortable enough yet. I just don’t know if I believe in deities.

I have a cookie exchange party Sunday and my textbooks come in today so I have a lot to be excited about this week. I also have a work party and a birthday party Friday. Which means Saturday is going to be super busy with cleaning. I’m thinking about skipping game tonight to clean. I need to get the house presentable, decorated and bake the cookies for the party. Yeah. I’ll probably skip game.

So my boyfriend’s mom read my blog post about my aching feet and she’s giving me some decent shoes. I’m excited by the possibility of not wanting to die when I get home from work! She’s also given me work shirts a lot this week which is good because laundry has fallen by the wayside. Also I had to get rid of a bunch of clothes because they didn’t fit. I need to do laundry bad. I might do a few loads tonight to get me enough work shirts to make it through next week.

Next weekend is Joe’s Family’s Christmas party. It’s in West Virginia, like 4 hours away. I’m not looking forward to the drive, but I am looking forward to the party. I love Joe’s family. They are all so fun and interesting.

I’m going to post all of this months goals tomorrow I think. Writing them down again will help me do them. Now I need to get ready for work though.

Every day is a new day

I had problems yesterday keeping up with my goals. I did about half my goals but I tapped out because my feet hurt to the crying point. This isn’t unusual. Almost every day my feet hurt that much after work. It’s to the point that I wake up in the morning and my feet are killing me already. What I need are supportive shoes. I just need to find some.

So today is a new day. I’m going to stay under 1200 calories for real this time. I starved myself yesterday and paid the price after work.

Yoga I will try again this afternoon.

Unless I go to a concert... joe has tickets to a concert two hours away. It starts at 8. This means I won’t be back until 2...on a work day. I don’t think I can do it, but I don’t want him to go alone or even miss it entirely. I don’t think I can do it and still do my job though.

I don’t know. I’m not feeling particularly motivated for anything. We’ll see how it goes.

New goals

I have been super busy lately. When I haven’t been working, I’ve been doing something else: cleaning, sleeping, trying not to sleep.

I start school in January I’ve organized my binder, signed up for classes and ordered my textbooks. I’m excited for my books to come in so I can get a head start with the readings.

I’ve ordered my Christmas presents for everyone. Now I just have to make my brother ‘s and grandmothers.

I start doing yoga daily today. I decided to do it when I get home since it’s a 40 minute exercise, and I just don’t have time.

I stay at 1200 calories starting today. It’s going to be hard but I know I can do it.

I quit cigarettes completely this month.

I read 3 books including a religous text.

I start up my religous blog again.

I need to make a budget. Then I plan to follow it.

I start doing duolingo once a day.

Joe said for Christmas he might bring over his parents old treadmill for me to use. So that might be added to my daily things to do.

Essentially I have my monthly goals and I’m aiming at sleeping only 8 hours a day instead of 10-12.

We’ll see how it goes. I’m hopefull.

It's official

I am officially a college student!! Starting January I will be a full time student!! I will get my masters in teaching then get my own classroom like I've wanted for years! I just need 2 more semesters! I'll do classes spring 2028. Then summer will be for taking the praxis and any other tests I need. And fall 2018 I will do my student teaching!! I'll spend 2019 subbing and in fall of 2019 I'll have my own classroom!!

I also got offered a full time plus benefits job at the school I've been subbing at. Starting next week I will have a big girl job. My first big girl job in almost 10 years! I'll make about 400 bucks a week. That's enough to start working on my debt as a serious thing! My goal is to have one credit card paid off by December. I'll make a sizable dent in the other one by may. Then I can get to work on my student loans. It'll take me many years to pay back the student loans, but it's now a possibility.

A year ago I wouldn't have thought this possible. That I can function like an adult is an amazing thing! I feel so grateful to my doctors!

Now I just need to work on my ability to clean. If I can't do it now I certainly won't working and schooling full time.

Today will not do. It will not function. It will not proceed successfully. I am too tired.

I've been getting less and less sleep lately as I try to improve my life, and I'm near the point where I say "Fuck it." I'm sick.Not horribly, just a cough that wont quit. I've stayed up late/gotten up early every day this week.

I'm coming home and going to sleep and I don't want to wake up until the next morning.

Dishes need to be done. Laundry needs to be folded. But nope. just sleep. Just 8 more hours till sleep. I hope my kids are well behaved today.

Less sleep, more noise

Yesterday I got it in my head that I should clean. I don't know why, but I did. I don't regret it. It's just a thing that happened. I was going to take another day to recover from my chest cold, but no...I had to clean.

I got up did dishes and the laundry along with my usual stuff...save for walking. "Not yet," says my chest. But I got a lot of laundry and dishes done.

Then I went to work where I was literally running after one of our kids. One of our kids is causing the whole school a lot of pain by not wanting to be in class to the point he walks out of the class to wander the halls. He's such a challenge, but he has a good heart down deep inside. I wish I could show him that learning can be fun. I just don't know how. Anyway, between the other kids and him I was out of breath most of the day.

Then I came home and started cleaning. The bathroom floor needed to be scrubbed. So I scrubbed it no matter how tired I was. And I did such a good job! I was going to clean the rest of the bathroom but Joe came home so I made dinner. Then he took me on a date! We went to Micheal's to get the makings for harry potter wands for our friends. Then we came home and watched The Defenders and made the wands. I went to bed at 11.

Then at midnight I got up and couldn't go back to sleep. To be honest it was because I was hurting. My whole body ached, especially my legs. I also had a nightmare about our troubled kid, but I could have gone to sleep after it if it weren't for the pain.

So I got out of bed, chopped veggies for the chili today, and went to chill with Joe as he finished up his wand.

Then I got up this morning at 5 am, finished putting the chili in the crock pot, and put the bathroom back together.

If I don't fall asleep when I get home today's goal is to clean the sink and toilet, and plan the livingroom's reorganization.

As soon as I finish blogging I'm going to do a load of laundry and make myself breakfast. Hopefully I'll have enough time to do some dishes. I dirtied quite a few yesterday.

So our problem kid has a history of violence. The nightmare was about getting injured by him and not being able to pay for my medical stuff. Unrealistic, but it's an actual fear I have. I'm sure that the school system has a system where if you're injured at school they will pay for it. Even subs need that.

Wrench in my cogs

So of course I'd get sick this weekend. Nothing earth shattering, just a minor chest cold. But it really interrupted my plans.

I am a mess. For serious, yo. I can't cook. I can't clean. I can't do anything. I'm feeling really down on myself today. But how can I improve?

I'm not going for a walk because of the chest cold, but aside that I can stick to my schedule. Today I clean the bathroom.

I hope I don't get punched today. I'm working with one of our troubled kids. And I have actual work for him to do today. I have no idea what his math level is at, but I worked up some math problems for him to do for a quick assessment. Maybe I can actually start teaching him new concepts. <3 MAybe I'll be the one teacher he needs to break through. I doubt it. I only have 3 weeks left. Thats hardly enough time.

Today I think I'm going to skip self improvement hour and clean more. I'm also probably going to have to plan another lesson in math for my kid. So during self improvement hour I plan my lesson and redesign the living-room.

My brain is obviously still sick. well obviously to me. I'm having a hard time focusing on anything for too long.

My application for college is just waiting on a few more things to be approved. I need to be back in school. I need my own classroom. I need those delightful full time benefits. I need to know I'm making a difference in children's lives. I need to know I'm a contributing member of society.

I'm doing laundry and dishes this morning.  When I come home my schedule shall be:

4:30PM- Clean the bathroom
5:00PM- Clean the bathroom
5:30PM- Prepare Dinner
6:00PM- Eat Dinner
6:30PM- Plan math lesson
7:00PM- Plan the living room out.
7:30PM- Clean the upstairs office
8:00PM- Exercise
8:30PM- Get ready for bed
9:00PM- Go to sleep

Push yourself harder! Lets go!

So Joe said I've been slacking in the pushing myself department. I'm not seeing how, but I'm going to push myself harder anyway.

I'm working full time now. That and sleep takes up much of my time. I still need a solid 8 hours, and then I spend 8 hours at work. That leaves me with 8 hours of pushing time. 8 hours seems like a lot of time, but it isn't. 3 hours of that are me getting ready for work and for bed, eating, and general self maintenance. So 5 hours...

NEW SCHEDULE!!!

5:00AM- wake up and go on morning walk/run
5:30AM - Coffee and relaxing/waking up
6:00AM- Shower
6:30AM- Prepare breakfast and lunch
7:00AM- Paperwork or Blog
7:30AM- Dishes and/or laundry
8:00AM- Go to work
4:00PM- Return from work
4:30PM- Self Improvement Hour (Duolingo, study...etc.)
5:00PM- Self Improvement Hour
5:30PM- Prepare Dinner
6:00PM- Eat Dinner
6:30PM- Play Guitar
7:00PM- Clean more things
7:30PM- Clean still more
8:00PM- Exercise
8:30PM- Get ready for bed
9:00PM- Go to sleep

Now this doesn't leave me much time for rest, which I need. I'm still working my stamina up. But it does mean that the house will be cleaner which will make Joe happy. I want Joe to be happy.

Fantasy Football

I joined a Fantasy Football League last night. That was fun. I really had no idea what I was doing. I just kind of...picked names at the top of the list. So here's my team:

Quarterback: Matt Ryan (Atlanta Falcons)
Runningbacks: Jordan Howard (Chicago Bears) and Ty Montgomery (Green Bay Packers)
Wide Receiver: Demaryius Thomas (Denver Broncos) and Donte Moncrief  (Indianapolis Colts)
Tight End: Jimmy Graham (Seattle Seahawks)
Flex: Alshon Jeffery (Philadelphia Eagles)
Defense/ Special Teams: Vikings
Kicker: Justin Tucker (Baltimore Ravens)


Bench:
Odell Beckham Jr. (Wide Receiver, New York Giants)
Ben Roethlisberger (Quarterback, Pittsburgh Stealers)
Bilal Powell (Running Back, New York Jets)
Theo Riddick (Running Back, Detroit Lions)
Hunter Henry (Tight End, L.A. Chargers)
Wil Lutz (Kicker, New Orleans Saints)
Patriots (Defense, New England)

Improvements!

I started a new Blog called "The Things I Eat." It's a cooking blog about my low calorie journey. In order to lose weight I need to eat 1400 calories or fewer. But some foods don't keep me full long enough. I'm keeping track of the calories and how full I stay with all the food I eat.

I've stayed under my calorie count 2 days in a row! It's been difficult. I see all these good foods all over the place (Especially the teacher's lounge) and I want to eat thm. I have to tell myself "I'd rather be skinny." That is my mantra. 90 lbs to go!

I've also walked a mile 2 days in a row! My calves burn, and I breathe heavy, but I average 3 MPH and that's good for me. I figure in a month I can start the couch to 5k app.

I went out with my friend Jess last night. It was so lovely to catch up with someone. I think my social skills are almost back to normal. I've felt since my FND I just couldn't talk to people like I used to. I was having so many problems! But I've been practicing and now I think I'm mostly back to normal. So many fewer awkward silences!

Work was hard yesterday. It was still enjoyable, but hard. I love Special Education, but there are some rough days. There were 2 students that were the most difficult. One just wanted to go home and was frustrated he couldn't. The other wanted me to read to him all the time. The main problem I faced was when he wanted to leave the classroom to go to the library. I tried to get him back to the classroom, but he hit and scratched me to the point of drawing blood. I mean I've had worse cuts from my cats, but this is the first time I recall a student has drawn blood on me.

I dyed my hair this morning. It's now black, but so is my scalp...and forehead. I've never had this issue before, and It's a bit embarrassing, but at least it should no longer be blue. Blue is an unprofessional color and with all my interactions with the principal
I needed it a normal color. I mean I tried to dye it dark brown, but the blue still really stood out, especially in the light. I'll probably never dye my hair funny colors again just because of this episode. It was fun, but until colored hair is more widely accepted I just can't.

I joined a fantasy football league. I'll be the first to admit I have no idea what I'm doing. I think during the draft I'm going to pick names that I find appealing. Or I could use the rank chart published by ESPN. I don't know, but the draft is tonight. I'll figure things out as I go along.

Morning ramblings

I walked a mile today, and my calves were burning by the end of it. I'm going to walk that mile every morning until I feel good enough to jog, then I'll start the couch to 5K app. Eventually I'll be looking to do squats, situps and pushups on my alternate days too. But I want to wait till I know I have time for that. For now I have my 30 minute walk.

My first day of work was fantastic! The main teacher is still working on the TA schedule for the students. It's still the beginning of the year though so that's understandable. Luckily the student I will mostly be working with was not there so I was left to fill in holes.

Sanctuary, my LARP, is slated for some time in November. I'm really looking forward to it. I have the Alpha manual almost complete. Save for a few skills and descriptions. I hope to get a lot of feedback on it so I can really start to improve it. I'm also hoping it will be fun for the people who decide to come out. There are several people I want to come, but probably wont. People like my friends Tini and Blake who live in another state. I'd like to see what date is best for people and then work from there, but ultimately I'm just going to set a date and hope people show up.

I'm a Rambler

Joe took off last night so we could do diner ad a movie in. It was super nice of him to take off work for me, because I really missed him while I was gone. I know work is eating all of his time. He enjoys it, but it's killing all of our time together. I'll see if he can at least come home for a late dinner at night.

Today marks my first day back to work. I'm excited. I have a whole month of special ed job. The school called me up to see if I could work a whole month helping a teacher out. My contact said it pays more than usual too!

I'm a little nervous that I won't like the students and be stuck with them for a month. The benefit of being a sub is that if you don't like a classroom, it changes the next day. But for a month I will be with the same classroom.

I'm ready for my first LARP Alpha test. Now all I have to do is schedule it. I was going to do October, but Joe brought up the valid point that most people have Halloween parties they like to go to so I might wait till September. I think September may be the month for it. I hope people come. I hope it ends up being fun. I've worked really hard on it.

Busiest creature

So writing blogs on my cell phone has become quite the hassle.This is especially if I want to add images. The good news is I now have a laptop! My great aunt doesn't use hers so she gave it to me. The bad news is it is still running Windows XP. Who uses XP anymore? The good news is I can update it if I need to. There is no bad news.

As to what I've been up to. I went on a road trip to Kentucky to see the eclipse. I went to my first LARP in years. I hung out with friends.

Whats more exciting is the month of September I have a job...for the whole month!! I am super stoked!

I'm off the cigarettes and back to vaping. Quitting here I come!

I should be back to updating daily starting tomorrow. I plan on going to my special spot near my parent's house.

And here are some pictures of my roadtrip:

First night with the cpap machine

So tonight marks the first night with my cpap machine. I have named her Rosamund. She is a high tech marvel. She has a humidifier and buttons. She even has wifi...

The wifi is so the medical company can make sure I'm using her. I need to use her 2/3 of the time or my insurance doesn't cover her. Also they are making sure I'm using her correctly. If I don't they'll call and correct how I'm using her. Also they can see if it's working or not, you know see if it fixed my sleep apnea.

It's kind of creepy, but I need it so it's worth it. Well worth it.

I look like an elephant with it on.

We'll see how I feel tomorrow for my road trip!

good news and some rants

I'm at my parents house getting my car ready for the road trip Thursday; oil change and all that. And I'm starting to get excited! Then dad pays me for looking after the dog and my aunt Doris. He gives me a check for $1000! Not only do I not have to worry about being paid next month, or worry about money on my trip, but also I can afford the cpap machine on my own!!

Speaking of the cpap machine, I get it on Wednesday before my trip!! It costs $80 upfront then $9 a month for 10 months! I was so worried that it would be $1500 right off, but my insurance covers it.

I'm going to miss insurance when I go back to school. This whole, "not having to pay full price" thing is making getting medical care awesome. Next up on my medical list is getting a mammogram. Though I don't have to worry about it for a while yet. Maybe in October? I want to get this cpap thing done and over with first. Not to mention I still have to get my results in from my colposcopy.

So this whole quitting smoking thing is super hard. Cutting back is a bear, and being at my parents house, where I don't want to remind mom I smoke, or fight with dad about how hard quitting is, makes it that much harder. It's especially hard when I'm bored. And I'm bored a lot at my parents house. I need to get a laptop that runs some sort of game on it just for the parents house (and school. Don't forget school) maybe I can ask for help buying one for Christmas.

**politics**

So I'm still upset about Charlottesville. I don't think that will go away. My current issue with it revolves around Facebook. A lot of my friends are posting things like "if you don't think killing nazis is a good thing, you're a racist." Well I don't think that killing anyone is a good response.  killing, no. And as much as I'd like to punch a nazi till I feel bones break, I also firmly believe that if we do we stoop to their level. Plus it just furthers their feelings of riotous alienation. I believe that re education and preventitive education are the only ways to curb white nationalism.

The problem is I'm not smart enough to debate topics I'm knowledgeable in and obsess over. Seriously, ask me to defend my stance on the benefits of comics in eduction. Even though I've researched it to high hell, I still couldn't debate it in person. Maybe I could via email, but def not in person.

And since I'm on controversial topics

**religion**

Mom told me to pack Sunday clothes for my trip so I could go to church with granny. Now, I'll go to church but I don't like it. I hate it in fact. I hate praying to a god I don't want to worship. I don't believe the Christian god is omniciant, omnipotent, or omnipresent. So I choose not to worship him. I honestly choose not to worship any diety and instead go to the afterlife on my own merits. Now getting my mom used to the idea is going to be a slow process. I still pray at dinner because she's not used to the idea that I'm not Christian yet. Slowly I'm stopping going to church with her, then I'll stop praying, then I'll actually feel good about debating theology with her.

But anyway, mom basically told me I need to go to church with granny. But I'm bringing a friend who doesn't do church. I'm pretty sure she's an atheist. It wouldn't be right to force her to go to church. It would be more hypocritical since I'm not Christian to begin with.

Mom seems disappointed that I don't have many Christian friends. She probably thinks the atheists are the reason behind my lack of faith. And while it's true I don't have many Christian friends, I shed the burden of my Christianity because I started reading the Bible more.

And now I get ready to have breakfast with my brother, and spend the day with my mommy.

Good day

I was depressed this morning. I didn't want to leave the house, but I did because I made plans and sulking wasn't going to help anyone.

So I went shooting at the firing range. I shot an ak-74. That was pretty fun. Mostly it was the company that I needed though.

Then I went out for food with my friends. I had some pretty damn good Korean ramen, whatever that means. It was on the menu as Korean ramen, but I didn't know Korea had ramen. Unless it's like American Chinese food in that it was invented in the US for US palates.

Anyway then I went to a chili cook off. I hung out with more friends, ate more delicious foods, and even had a beer.

Then finally I watched Game of Thrones with my man and his family.

All in all s good day .

.

Today I did housework! I did both dishes and laundry! I'm wondering if it's because I've been depressed. Because as soon as I posted that I'm a bad person on Facebook I get into the swing of cleaning. It's too much to be coincidence.

So there was a rally of white supremacists today, and I guess last night. Some asshole mowed down pedestrians in his car. A 32 year old woman died. She was a year older than me. She died peacefully protesting white supremacy. I'm going to be honest here, because I feel I can't be honest elsewhere.

I am livid.

This is my state. That happened just an hour away from me. A woman lost her life because some asshole couldn't use his goddamn words like a grown up. Yes I know murders happen all the time and for sillier reasons...but this was a statement on the moral health of Virginia. I thought we were doing okay. I thought we were making progress. And then some group ruins everything. They killed a woman. They. Ended. Her. Life. I say they because even though one man perpetrated the action, there were still people who are silently applauding his actions.

Now I was okay with a protest to keep a dumb statue of some war looser. It's going to be taken down, but let them protest, right? Then it turned into some scary white power parade. I was not cool with that. They were threatening, domineering, and generally scary carrying fire, not candles, but full on torches. Things were starting to get out of hand. Then a car runs over people!

I'm all for the first amendment, now. But your opinions stop at my door. And nothing is further in my door than fearing being mowed down on the streets. That's fucking terrorism.

And I realize all my opinions come from a setting of white privlage. Everyone having a right to their opinion is scary when that opinion is the speaker wants you dead for the consequences of birth. It's dumb to think that I have the right to say anything about it. So I have the option of staying quiet or saying my opinion.

My opinion is that white supremacists are stupid and need to learn the value of love.

Terrorism will not be tolerated.

And what the fuck am I saying. I'm stupid and should shut up and let someone else worry about this. I'm too drunk and far away. I have no money to donate. I'm essentially getting worked up over something I have no power in, nor do I deserve a voice since I'm white and middle class. Sure I'm probably bi, but I can't prove it, sure I'm female, but that means squat in this case. Sure I'm pagan, but I'm not really open about it.

There isn't enough wine in the house to deal with my emotions.

Fail

quitting smoking was a fail. I picked up a pack of cigarettes at the gas station while picking myself my lunch.

Diet was a fail I went to cicis for a fundraiser for cats.

Things I wanted to do today:
Test my costume for the larp
Dishes
Laundry
Go for a run

Instead I lay around exhausted.

In unrelated news, I miss having a best friend to talk about these things with. I mean, I have a lot of friends, but no one really close. I miss sharing everything with a person. Everything from poop stories to small victories and back to trials and tribulations. I look at my phone constantly. There's nothing really better to do when you're laying in bed. I see people bantering back and forth, and I just feel like I'm missing out on something. In real life it's much the same.

I'm just whining, but it's the way I feel today.

I think larping will satisfy my needs. Having more of a since of community in my life will help this lonely feeling.

Smoking

I'm quitting smoking, and damn it's hard. Seriously smoking is all I'm thinking about. Last night I couldn't sleep and I wanted to go out and smoke. But I didn't have anymore cigarettes so I spent 45 minutes trying to hunt down my boyfriends pack. Thank goodness I didn't find it. I ended up chewing on some nicotine gum instead. Then this morning I woke up and my routine is to drink coffee and smoke two cigarettes outside. I'm instead craving cigarettes wondering if I can quit more slowly, like ween myself off cigarettes slowly. But I know I can quit cold turkey.

All I can think about is smoking.

I remember buying my first pack of cigarettes. I was at a wake for a coworkers funeral and I was really feeling it. The death, the problems in my relationship, money problems.  I wanted a drink to chill me out, but my boss was there and she said no. So I went across the street to a 7-11 and bought myself a pack.

I want to walk over to the gas station and pick up a pack. I won't but I want to.

And I have to be careful about zombie laura walking over there and smoking. It's happened before. I'm cleaning or something then the next thing I know I'm walking to the gas station, or I'm out shopping and I ask for a pack at the checkout.

And the thing about smoking is no matter how gross and aweful you know it is, you still want it. I know it stinks, it yellows my teeth, it increases my risk of cancer significantly, and it makes it harder to breathe. Plus it's expensive. I want to quit for so many reasons, but I also want to smoke.

sleep study verdict

After days of being too tired to work I finally went into my sleep study follow up appointment. And the verdict after all of the suffering is that I do in fact have sleep apnea. I have a moderate case. Insurance will not be paying for the cpap machine. My parents will. (I'm lucky)

So now I just wait for the cpap company to call me to get my cpap machine. I was hoping to get it before I left on my road trip, but it's not looking like the case.

Another thing I need to do is loose weight. So starting tomorrow I count my calories. I'd start today but I'm probably already over.

After I get the cpap machine I'm going to start the couch to 5k app. I'll wake up run then have breakfast. I'll also alternate that with some muscle training. I'm going to be tired, but not as tired as I have been.

I'll also need to work on the house. It's turned into a total sty. So habitica will need to become a thing again. I've been way too tired lately. I'm looking forward to having more hours in my day!

Another exhausted day

I'm tired. Not news (I'm always tired), but today is pretty bad. I want to do laundry and play my guitar, but I'm still trying to get awake. Get awake is a funny phrase, but being awake seems like a tangible object just out of reach.

I wanna fix my bike and go for a ride.

I want to go hunt Pokémon downtown.

I want to clean my house.

I want to do anything but lay here.

But there's a weight on my chest and arms. It crawls down my legs. It says, "lay down, and sleep." My eyes are heavy, and I can't stop yawning.

The sleep tech said that my oxygen levels were normal. Does that mean I don't have sleep apnea? Is it just a problem with my dreams?

Adventures in Sarahah part I

I don't talk about Joe much on here or anywhere really. This is out of respect for my relationship. But I love Joe, and we have a healthy fulfilling relationship. So imagine my surprise when I get a message on sarahah telling me I need to dump joe.

Speaking of joe, he got me some new enamel pins for no reason...just to make me happy. They are cute Wonder Woman pins. I think I will wear one on Friday to the party I'm going to. I'll show them off tomorrow because I'm curled up next to my man right now.

Im not dumping Joe. Not because I fear life without him, but because I'm honestly the happiest I've ever been with anyone. Someone read my relationship wrong.

Sleep study part II

It was a rough night. Those wires they hooked up to me were just not comfortable. And they hooked up this nose thing that kept poking me. I tossed and turned, but I still managed not to detach any wires.

When I woke up, the tech took off my wires and we chatted. Apparently I don't dream as much as I'm supposed to. That's bad, not aweful I guess but it seems to be why I'm so tired all the time. I'll find out more at my follow up appointment on the ninth.

I wonder what it means that I'm not dreaming, and I wonder what causes it. My research buddy, Google, is not turning up answers. I wonder if I'm not dreaming, or if I'm not getting into R.E.M. Sleep at all. She said I'm only getting 1/4 the amount of dreaming I need so I wonder.

At least I know now that there is actually something wrong with me...that makes me feel validated. Now that I know something is wrong all I have to do is fix it. And then I can get back to a normal, healthy, productive life. That's exciting!

Unless they can't do anything about it...then I'm in trouble. But I'm going to hope that my doctor can fix my broken mind.

Sleep study

Today is my sleep study and I'm already half asleep. To entertain you until tomorrow here is a pic of me wired up.

The perfect date

My perfect date is simple, but I have it all planned out in my head.

It's after work and I don't feel tired at all. Joe comes downstairs and says he wants to go out. He tells me to dress warm. I grab my coat and we load up in his truck. We talk, that is I talk as well as him all the way to a clear spot with no light pollution. He puts the car in park and we move to the bed of his truck which I didn't notice is filled with blankets and pillows. He pulls out a bottle of wine, something I like, a sweet red or a dry white. We drink and eat a picnic dinner of pizza and wine. Then we look up. It's then I realize it's a meteor shower. And we drink and watch metors and cuddle.

So that's my perfect date.

Sarahah

Before I get started on content, I got this new app where people can send anonymous messages. If you read this blog I would appreciate you telling me why you read my blog here or via Sarahah. I feel as though this blog has strayed from its original intent and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

ThornSidhe's Sarahah

So I have my sleep study tomorrow, and I'm super nervous. I was talking with a friend of mine who has sleep apnea, and he says it took him 5 months to get his cpap machine. I've only been at this for 2 months. That's forever! Well not literally, but I need to be better sooner rather than later so I can teach come September. Waiting till October is going to kill my productivity.

And what if there's nothing they can do? Will I be able to work and go back to school? I need to get back to normal. What does it take to get back to normal? What will it take?

Maybe I need to just muscle through it? Can I do it? I don't think I can. I need this.

I'm scared. I shouldn't be but I am. There's a lot at stake. So much...

But that's something I have to wait for. In the meantime I am looking forward to the sleep study. It's science! I get hooked up to wires and those wires are going to figure things out about me. And that's super cool! I'm trying to be more excited about it, but I am scared.

I'll post pictures and stuff probably while waiting to fall asleep or something.

One

something is wrong with me. There's this feeling that I have. I can't discribe it. It's like the world is inflated. It's too big. And not in an overwhelming way...like it's pregnant. I can't figure out why, or why it's important.

I'm crying a lot. Not like sobbing, just tears will just come. They just come out. I can carry on with whatever I'm doing. It's not distracting...it's just tears. But it means something. I know it does.

Maybe I'm stressed, but about what? And why am I not stressed out like I should be. I'm not stressed like I usually am. I'm not physically stressed. My stomach is fine. My head is fine.  Just the pregnant feeling and the tears.

I need to talk to someone, but what do I say? I feel like the world is bloated and I keep crying? That's stupid and way too the point. What would they say. Nothing, that's what. And it wouldn't solve anything.

But what do I do? Am I even stressed? Is this some sort of mental breakdown again?

Reasons I might be stressed:
Sleep study
Colposcopy
Road trip
Finances
Politics, and my innate fear of judgement
Joe and my relationship
Going back to school

I'm going to sleep and hope I feel better when I wake up.

Health, mental and physical

So I'm just laying here, exhausted out of my mind for no reason. I want cookies. I want ice cream. I have no money to go out and get it. I've spent too much money this month.

Trump said yesterday he's not letting trans people in the military. That's dumb. I really wish he'd get a psych evaluation. There is something not right with that man. And on one hand I'm outraged. I want justice. I want trump out of office and have his lips sewn shut. On the other hand I think that man needs help. Either way I don't approve of what he's saying.

I had a rough day yesterday. Complete with my dinosaur walk. I don't really talk much about my bad days, but they happen. And they've been happening more and more, worse and worse recently. I'm worried. I don't want to be bed ridden again. It's an overwhelming fear. I don't want to go down again.

Busy Bee

I have been very busy lately. Between camping, parties, and the incessant need for sleep I haven't got the important things done. So starting today I'm back on habitica. I'm going to get shit done no matter    How tired I am.

I say as Rowan starts sleeping on my chest, as it is rare I just kinda want to stay like this a while, but I'm so super sleepy. I may fall asleep typing this. Now if the cat weren't on my chest I'd get up and do dishes or something, but as it stands I DO have an adorable cat on my chest. So I'm probably going to take a nap.

He thankfully got up and now I'm off to get chores done.

When I'm rich I'm going to hire someone to help clean my house. I'm not good at it. I'm just not, and although I have improved I'm still not an adult. I suck at cleaning. What I mean by when I'm rich I mean when I have my own classroom. I make about 12k a year. I have since I started working. Teachers get paid 35k a year. That's more than double what I make now.

Yes I'll have student loans. Yes I'll have medical bills, but overall my net income will drastically increase. I'll have money to not be in debt. I'll have money to buy things like curtains, towels, and trips to the vet. I'll have money to go on trips without having to worry about money.

Of course I won't have time, especially in my first few years. The first few years of teaching is when you spend time setting lesson plans, working on classroom management and stuff like that. My free time will be spent working on my classroom. It will be stressful but worth it.

Now if willow doesn't lay down with me I'm off to clean.

What's in My Handbag

I have two purses. One is my everyday purse, and the other is the I mean business purse (Mainly used for traveling)

 This is my everyday purse. It's pretty simple. I carry a pen, snackage, my keys, my wallet, and more recently a hair thing. I also carry a lot of trash in my purse. This was a good excuse to clean it out.

 This is my "I mean business" purse. It is actually my favorite purse, but it is big so I don't use it much. I carry an agenda, which I don't use much anymore. I'll start using it again when school starts. Chap-stick, sunscreen, lotion, a lighter, a USB adapter for my car (and the charging cables to my phone) A first aid kit, a hair brush, a sewing kit. Altiods and tic tacs, a purse hanger for tables, a bloodstone for courage, and a Helm of Awe talisman for protection. I also have two mini bags in my big bag. One is for toiletries (which some of the freefloating stuff in my bag got moved to it) and my pride and joy: my pen organizer. Last but not least (but not shown) I have my pill container. I carry in it alieve and anti nausea pills.

 This is my toiletry bag. I put back the nail clippers after the photo was taken. But I carry toothbrush and toothpaste. A nail file, a glasses repair kit, and a wet-wipe. The rest of the stuff was free floating in my bag when I took the picture.

 Finally is my pride and joy: My pen case. I have a sharpie, highlighters, a pencil, 3 different black pens (A ball point, a thick nibed sharpie pen, and a thin nibed sharpie pen) and different colored sharpie pens.

I also carry 2 crayons for when I'm out with kids, a white out thingumee. Plastic divider tabs, a hole punch, and a stapler.

Let me know if there's anything I forgot in my "I mean business" bag in the comments below. I'm always adjusting my I mean business bag.

Rambling

Sometimes I think I don't have sleep apnea, but then there are nights like last night when I just know. I woke up 5 times in the middle of the night, my joints hurt this morning, and apparently my snores were heard through walls. I also woke up with a sore throats and a bloody nose.

I slept over my boyfriend's parents last night. It was nice sleeping in a functioning air conditioner. Ours is busted. It's so hot in the house it's hard to sleep. And it's so hot that it's hard not to want to curl up and escape the heat.

Today's goal is to do all of the dishes, and do laundry all day. Except a small portion which I will play my guitar.

sharing

I've been thinking a lot recently. It's easy to do when you're always laying down tired out of your mind.

I had a friend say some really nice things about me this weekend. It was really nice, but it also made me notice I don't get compliments on my appearance anymore. I mean it's part of being fat I guess, but noticing the void...it doesn't hurt, per se...I think it's just disappointing.

I've tried dieting the past few days. It hasn't worked. I eat very little (2 eggs and a banana) in the morning, then by late afternoon I'm cramming every little thing in my mouth. I'm so famished I can't stand it. I don't even realize I'm doing it till it's already half done. Zombie laura takes over and eats. I mean, I guess it's good that I have fruit around. Normally I go for that. Not veggies though. I wish I liked veggies more.

But anyway, the cooling in our house hasn't been working. I want to call the cooling people to take care of it, but I has literally no money to do so. I'm thinking of calling our landlords, or rather emailing thin, to see if they will pay, but I don't know how to ask.

Joe has understandably not been spending a lot of time at the house. It's hot and he doesn't do heat. But I miss him. My fatness makes me believe he doesn't want me anymore. I know it's not true, but I still think it, you know? And that's a personal demon I have to deal with. I should deal with it through diet and exercise. I know I should, but I like to eat. Maybe once I get a cpap machine I'll have the energy to exercise. Who knows though. I may be fat forever.

I see skinny girls and I wonder if I could do it. They can, shouldn't I be able to too? I mean, I see them trying to keep their shapes. Shouldn't I? I meant to try running this month, but I'm too lazy I guess.

Sloth is my new deadly sin. It used to be lust, but the antidepressant I'm on kills it for me. All I ever want to do is sleep, and I hate it. Even today when I have a little energy, I spend it doing chores instead of exercising.

If I don't get my life together soon it's all going to fall apart. I know it. I have a lot riding on this sleep study. I'm nervous it won't pan out. So very nervous.

I have a shit ton of dishes, more laundry than I know what to do with. I want to craft, but I have no energy. I want to play the guitar. I want to run. I want to do a push up, and a sit up. I want to make healthy balanced meals with few enough calories to get me to lose weight.

Maybe this cpap machine will make it better...

Plans

A week of teaching, 3 days of camping, and 3 days with my parents in town has thrown my cycles off. It has been incredibly fun, but also incredibly draining. Today all I want to do is sleep, and I have slept more than usual. But I need to get things done.

So the rest of this month is pretty mellow. I might be going out to Boston for a party, and I'm going to a gun show, but that's about it. So I'm going to use this month to get a handle on the household. Chores need to get done, and I'm way behind on them.

August is packed with business. Packed to the brim. I'm seeing a concert, I'm going to Kentucky, I'm keeping an eye on my aunt. I'm doing all sorts of things. The most important thing of all is that sleep study. I'm so tired of being tired.

No one knows how far it goes

I am so very tired. I got 8 hours sleep, but I'm still exhausted. I'm up, but I'm not sure about the day. My class has a field trip to the library today. Can I keep up with them? I mean I'm sure I'll make do, but how far back will it push me.

I've been doing well this week so far. I've got my class under control and I've been able to do my own lessons. The teacher didn't give me enough to do so I've been winging it. I love having my own classroom for a week. It's almost like I'm a real teacher! I can't wait for my own classroom even more now.

-—-—-—-—-—-—-—

Well I made it through the day. The library was stressful. And it turns out that was what I needed to get through it, not coffee...though the coffee helped.

And I'm most of the way packed for camping this weekend. Just need to pack my clothes, my pills, and my pillow.

One more day of work, I dye my hair, then I'm off to drink with my friends in the woods. I may dye my hair blond tonight and colors tomorrow after work. I want to be out there at a decent hour, and while I still have daylight to set up camp.

Actually, yes. I'll dye my hair blond now:

Renew

I sit in a food lion parking lot smoking a cigarette before work. It's my first day of redoing my diet. Joe said he'd get us something special if I hit my goal weight. I had two eggs for breakfast. I know I'll be hungry by 10.

I'm planning a solo road trip to Kentucky to see the eclipse. It's on my bucket list and I don't know where the next eclipse will be. So I have to go. I want to go with someone, but no one can take off work. Therefore I go alone. Even so, I have a lot of fun stuff planned. I'm visiting a friend in Chattanooga and seeing the Parthenon in Nashville. I'm going to a trail of tears memorial and the Kelly little green man festival. It should be loads of fun, and I'm really looking forward to it.

I've been bad with habitica lately. Today I start that back up again too. Hopefully I'll get in the swing of things despite me working 5 hours a day.

Speaking of working, I'm really excited to be doing summer school. Not only am I doing the job I love, but I believe I am paid 100 dollars a day! I could be wrong, but I hope I'm not. So I'm off to teach my students!

I hope I didn't leave the stove on.

Spending too much money

I have officially bought 3 enamel lapel pins. The brussel sprout one was 7 bucks. The "Welcome to Nightvale" pins I bought with $20 I forgot I had from when my brother paid me back for a Christmas present 3 years ago.

 Here's what they look like.:

This is in honor of being vegetarian for a month

I'm considering buying Witcher III. It's on sale for 50% off. That's $25 for the main game and all the expansions. But I really should save that money for food for the rest of the month. Especially as I am going camping next weekend. I need that money for beers. Or I could skip camping and just focus on Kiddy Pool-ozza (A yard full of kiddy pools and a fridge full of beer). Which is also happening that weekend. I think I'll buy it if I get all my chores done today...which includes dusting...How do I even dust?

Sweet Dreams Are Made of These

It's 5pm and I've only been up for 3 hours today. I keep going back to sleep because I'm super exhausted. I just got up from my most recent nap. I'm thinking of going back to sleep again, but my to-do list is unfinished. I need to get something done today, no matter how tired I am.

The dreams I've been having are vivid. They haven't been nightmares, but they have been vivid. This is all because I stopped taking my nightmare pill. I'm fairly certain that if I get the c-pap machine I'll be taking them again because my dreaming will increase and that includes nightmares.

I want to go back to sleep so badly. It doesn't help that it's stupid hot in my house. Looking at the thermostat it's 84 degrees inside! Our AC doesn't work cuz the house is poorly insulated. The coolest place in the house is the bed with the window open and the fan pointed at my side of the bed.

I think I might go back to bed anyway. Screw my to-do list. But I have so many dishes to be done from my Midsummer feast.

What I really want to do is curl up and play video games.

What I'm actually going ot do is play the guitar and dishes.

New obsession

so I might be obsessed with enamel lapel pins now. I want to collect all of them and put them on a jean jacket and wear it around like a punk. I want sassy pins too. Like ones that say "bitch" and "hentai" I'm thinking of starting a Girl Scouts like reward system to start earning pins.
Like one that says "far out Brussels sprout" for doing a month of vegetarianism. And a guitar for learning my first 5 songs. Maybe the pack of cigarettes that day "bitch" for quitting smoking.

But then again they are awefully expensive I could better use my money for other things, like food, or stylish clothing, or wood for crafting. I don't know I like the idea of collecting enamel pins, but it's just so expensive...

So here are the events that can earn me a pin:
Vegetarian for a month
Quit smoking for 1 month
Quit smoking for a year
Lose 10 lbs (and each 10 lbs subsequent)
Play the guitar everyday for 1 month
Get a colposcopy
Get a sleep study
Get a mammogram
Get back into school
Attend a pub moot
Go to Kentucky for the solar eclipse

Ill talk it over with joe. He's good at helping me make hard choices.

I fail at lazy

I did stuff yesterday when I told myself I wouldn't. I actually did a lot, just none of my usual chores. I  worked on decorating my book of shadows, specifically the section on runes. I played the guitar because I enjoy playing the guitar. And most of all I went to a benefit concert. I wasn't going to go because I didn't have cash for the cover, but Joe, my hero, gave me some.

I went out to eat at Taco Bell for they have great vegetarian options and it was on my way out. I got a cheese quesadilla and nachos without meat. Now I've never liked refried beans, but this time I forced myself to eat them. I confess it was rather tasty.

Well then I drove down to Staunton to watch The Texin' Exes. They are really good. It was so much fun swaying to the beat. The bassist thrashed as he played the base, and the tight control of the drummer was accented by the guitarist dancing with his guitar. I highly recommend them. Like them on Facebook!

I saw so many fantabulous friends while I was there! We talked. We sang. We danced. It was an epic time. I even talked about possibly playing some D&D with a new GM.

There was even a rainbow!

And I won some art in a raffle! The title of this piece is "Lady." It reminds me of the Blue Meanies from "Yellow Submarine." But you know...Red. I spent $5 on tickets. The benefit was for mental health utilities in the area. And although I don't live in the range they support, I got to be a philanthropist and give back to the world at large. And I guess I got some art out of it too!

Today has been pretty good. I'm getting lots of stuff done. I added two new songs to my library: "Bad Moon Rising" and "Jolene" I'm still struggling with moving chords quickly and strumming. But that will come with practice. 

I said I wanted more music in my life, and I'm actively trying to include it in my life.

Lazy

I don't want to do anything today. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I have been so productive lately, and I'm tired. I'm going to lay around, play my guitar, and dick around on my phone.

And I guess I have to run to the landfill.

But mostly just laying around.

I am so tired. So very tired. Last night I had too much caffeine before bed. It made me restless, and I couldn't sleep. So what I did was print out a bunch of music. I couldn't play it since Joe was asleep, but I printed out a bunch of songs for the guitar. Apparently I know more songs than I thought I did.

But I ran out of ink before I could finish printing out all my songs.

I'm having trouble with strumming patterns with my music. I understand chords, notes, and everything else on the guitar. I know what to do to improve. But strumming is new to me. I don't know how to improve it. I don't even know where to begin learning how to improve. Should I even focus on that, or should I focus on the chords? I just don't know.

If I Won The Lottery...

If I won the lottery, say 100,000 dollars, I know exactly what I'd do with it. This is because I've thought about it a lot. The thought of having to not worry about money is appealing to me.

Let's pretend that taxes are paid for already so I have nice round numbers to work with. The general figure is 1/4 goes to debt, 1/4 to savings, 1/4 to charity, and 1/4 to whatever. That's $25,000 to each category.

I have 5800 in credit card debts that I'd wipe out first. This would give me more money to play with each month as I wouldn't be paying off my credit cards anymore. The rest would go to student loan debt. 25,000 would pay for a significant portion of my debts. I'd still have debt after, but it would be significantly less.

I want a Roth IRA. There is nothing sexier as I age than the concept of retirement. The problem is I've never made enough to put towards retirement. Having that cushion would be super nice. It would help me feel secure because in 30 years I plan on retiring. I mean I'll always work, but I never want to work for money. I want to work for job fulfillment. To be able to do that I need a nest egg...urngh!! So sexy.

I've always wanted to be a philanthropist. It's a way to help people without doing anything.  So I'd donate half of it to the local no kill cat shelter. That leaves $12500 that I'd spend on go fund me. There have been friends who've started go fund mes and I haven't been able to donate. If I had the money I could help others in the same predicament.

I have trouble paying for all the groceries that I want. I want good healthy eco friendly foods. And I have trouble paying for them. I also have a substantial book wishlist. I would love to have an unending supply of books. I also have an expensive hobby: woodworking. I could buy all the wood I needed to work my projects. I mean it's not like I'd be spending more than I usually do, just books as I finish reading them, about $40-$50 a month in wood and $100-$200 extra every month. That would last me a while. I'd spend half that of the money on school. That should be enough to finish my degree even!

I have no designs of a luxurious life. I just want a comfortable one.

Redo

I often wonder what my life had been like if I had taken a different path. There are four main things I would change if I could. They would have changed my life in drastic ways.

The first is I would have gotten better grades in school and gone into the Air Force academy on my path to become an astronaut. I wanted to be an astronaut so bad as a kid. I would gladly trade everything I have for 6 months in space. If I would have focused on grades I wouldn't have been raped. I would have been able to fly. To feel the freedom of flight would have been amazing. Plus I would have been following my father's footsteps which would have made him proud of me. I would be fit and healthy. I would have been financially stable from the get-go. Plus, space! And respect! And freedom!

The second thing is I would have never have dated Alex in high school. That was the worst experience of my life and that includes my FND. It was a toxic relationship and I have never cried so much or so often in my life, then and afterwards. I loved him, and he cut me deeper than anyone before or since. Him dumping me was the best thing he ever did for me.

The third thing is, barring becoming an astronaut, in college I would have gone into education right off. Nothing much would have changed except I would have known my path from the start. I would have been financially stable, and emotionally stable coming out of college. Maybe my marriage would have gone better with being financially independent.

The last is I would have never gotten married to begin with. Mark is a good man, but neither he nor I were ready for marriage. I knew marriage was forever, I just didn't realize what forever entailed. And coming out of that relationship was one of the best decisions I've ever made. However, if I could go back I would have never married him to begin with. I would have had the relationship with him, but let it end where it ended without the marriage involved. I had some amazing times with Mark. I had some shitty times too, but those amazing times outweigh the bad. And it was really bad in the end, but mostly because we were married.

Energy levels and religious musings

My energy levels have been fluctuating a lot lately, but I'm thankful for the days I have that I can complete my to do list. I think hope has played a large role into the success. Hope that I will have more energy has given me more energy. I mean I'm still tired, but I'm still doing things.

I'm playing my brand new guitar daily. My fingers hurt so much! I still need to build up my calluses. But I know 3 chords, e minor, a minor and c. The next two chords I'm going to learn are d and g. Then I will be able to play "Yellow Submarine" by The Beatles. I'm really enjoying playing so far, and I'm going to be playing more. A friend of mine plays the bass. He wants to jam. I imagine once a week I'll pop by his house and jam for a while. Maybe we'll even write songs together. I think that would be fun.

I need to get more plywood, but I've spent too much money this month. But I need the plywood to make more projects for around the house. I need to make another drawer for the above toilet storage and I need to make another shelf for my bathroom closet. It will make a storing toilet paper easier. I also want to make a pantry. Gods, do I want a pantry. I want more space in my dining room for dinner parties.

Speaking of dinner parties I need to clean off the back patio. It's full of dead leaves and gardening shit. I need to get it done before the 21st because that's when I'm having my midsummer party. I'll do that this week, maybe today...or tomorrow.

So I found out something interesting about the Gods of the Norse pantheon that echoed my current beliefs. Apparently the earth goddess (Nerthus) and the sea god (Njord) may have started as a hermaphroditidic deity. I have, for a long time believed in God as a hermaphrodite. And this translated into me thinking of the earth as the same. So it makes since to me. So I am one step closer to accepting the Norse pantheon. I still don't believe that the Gods are literal Gods, just powerful ancestors. We'll see if that changes as I read more.

And I have been reading a chapter a day. I want to know all of the things about my chosen religion. I want to believe there is more to the world than science can explain. I need that much in my life. I need to attend a blot. I need to do that this year. But you need to be willing to tie your wyrd (fate) with the group you blot with. So it gets complicated.

Piercing and Tattoo Plans

I wasn't an Orion tattooed on my forearm

I want a bunch of flowers on my left hip, one for each member of my immediate family. Noah gets a poppy, Robert gets a snap dragon, Mom gets lavender, Dad gets forget-me-nots, and I get buttercup.

Thorn tattooed in runic branches tied together.

An Elephant from behind with his trunk raised tattooed on my ankle for Mema

A humming bird on my right ankle for Granny.

A Czech patterned bracelet, anklet, or arm cuff tattoo. Specifically the bottom portion. Bonus points if I can get it to look cross-stitched


The horse head nebula on my upper arm or sholder

Not this exactly, but a feather on fire on my right ribs

Spider bite piercings.

A second and maybe third hole in my earlobe

A simple helix on my right side

Productivity

I am having a productive day today. It's super exciting. You see, I went out late last night, chilling with some friends who watched Wonder Woman. I had a fabulous conversation with someone I don't get a lot of one on one time with. Then I came home. That's when the productivity bug. It me.

I got home around 11:30pm and I immediately brought my new shelf into my closet. Setting it up took no time, but then I realized my closet was a sty, so I reorganized it. I got rid of a bunch of clothes too.

Then I was still not sleepy exhausted, but not sleepy so I continued. I made plans for medicine drawers for the over toilet storage. Then I read a chapter from the volva stav manual to learn how to play the stav for religous reasons. I ended up going to bed around 1:30 am.

I woke up at 5:30 bright as an orange. Still a little exhausted, but I must have slept well because I didn't wake up sleepy. But anyway, I got up and made macarons. I improvised a little, and you can tell. They are lemon lavender macaroons, and something is off about the icing. I used lavender simple syrup instead of milk.

They aren't the prettiest in the world, but they taste damn good, if not a bit too sweet.

So then I got stared making those drawers I designed last night. I realized I only had enough plywood for one so I ran to lowes only to discover 1) the plywood is too big for my car, and 2) it's 30-40 dollars for a sheet! So I walked through the store, mostly the garden section, to leave empty handed. 

I then came back home to saw out the drawer pieces. But I'm new with the table saw. The damn thing kicked back a chunk of plywood into my stomach. It's now bruised and scanned over, but the wood hit me so hard that it drew blood.

So I mananged all that before 10 am.

Then I went to a pawn shop and bought a guitar. Her name is apparently Siren. I have no idea how I came up with the name, as I'm not a mermaid gal, but there you have it. So I brought her home and learned my first chord: E minor. My fingers still hurt.

Then I painted a shelf for the bathroom. I'm planning on moving my rubber duck Cole toon to make more room for medicines on the above toilet storage shelf. That's the current home of my rubber duckies. But anyway I painted it grey and blue.

In between paint coats I walked about a mile. I found it mostly enjoyable. Being fat made chub-rub a thing, but it didn't get too bad.

So then I went to a guitar center to pick up some picks. I also went to Ace to pick up screws and drywall anchors for the shelf.

I came home, and played siren some more, and now I'm laying in bed, blogging. I plan to clean out the fridge today, get laundry and dishes done, drop some macarons at a friends house and hang that shelf all before joe gets home.

But for now, willow says it's nap time. I'm inclined to agree with her.

Whining about how tired I am

I am frustrated to tears with this always being tired thing. I was literally awake for 8 hours yesterday. That's it. 8 hours. And all during those 8 hours all I could think about was sleeping. I did none of my to do list. Except duolingo. Today I've done more, but I'm still friggin exhausted. I'm pushing myself to do more than I did yesterday, but I already know I'm not going to get it all done.

I was invited to see Wonder Woman today. And it killed me to say no. I don't want to risk a seizure. I did volunteer to go get drinks with them after, but I'm not sure I'll be able to. I'm just so tired.

Joe goes to this beer, bourbon, and BBQ thing this weekend and I'm jealous. I like beer. I like bourbon. I like BBQ. I like hanging out with folks. But I wasn't invited...it's for the best. I'm too exhausted to go out and have fun...