I've transferred over to wordpress as Blogger doesn't have a good app for the phone, and I hate typing on a manual keyboard.
You can now find me here
Sunday, September 23, 2018
Monday, February 5, 2018
Distraction
I did my taxes like a good adult. I’m getting almost 1000 back! What am I going to do with that thousand you might be wondering. I’m going to pay off one of my credit cards. I’m good at adulting!
I’m lieing. I’m not good at adulting. This weeks diet did not go well. I’m not doing my homework like I should. I just can’t focus. All I want to do is nap and surf reddit.
But here I am buckling down and writing a paper.
I’m lieing. I’m not good at adulting. This weeks diet did not go well. I’m not doing my homework like I should. I just can’t focus. All I want to do is nap and surf reddit.
But here I am buckling down and writing a paper.
Wednesday, January 31, 2018
Doing well.
I have decided that I can’t do more than one goal at once. I just don’t have the capacity for it. So my running plan is to do dishes daily.focus on dishes, and no other housework I don’t usually do. I’m breaking my rule here, but I’m also dieting. If I can be successful for 3 weeks I will try to stop smoking. From there, who knows, but at least I won’t feel guilty every time I light up a cigarette since I have a plan.
I broke my diet last night. Joe isn’t feeling well so I went out and got him (and I) Chick-fil-A. I shouldn’t have gotten myself any, but I was hungry. Very hungry. As in order two meals for myself hungry. I should have smacked when I got home from work, but laying down took priority. I was exhausted after work. Not that the day was bad, but rather I’m still a bit sick and energy levels aren’t quite up to par.
I talked with my shrink, and we are going to experiment for one more month to see if I need my pills. So I might be pill free starting soon. Well I’m already pull free we’re just going to see if it’s a good idea.
Something that’s really been getting me down lately is all the comments I’ve been getting on my appearance. I wish I could complain about compliments, but it’s the opposite. Joe’s always been brutally honest with me (which I appreciate since I’m oblivious), but people outside of joe have been commenting negatively on my appearance lately. Last one is “You look like crap” from one of my bosses in reference to the fact I still look sick. Now, normally I’d take it in stride, but lately I’ve noticed that the amount of negative comments far outweigh the good ones. I don’t feel good about my appearance, not because of the criticism, but because of the lack of compliments. I’m not pretty. I don’t dress well. I have poor hygiene. But it’s still nice to feel good about yourself sometimes. A compliment would go far to soothe me. So I’m thinking about wearing makeup to work. I usually don’t because the kids don’t need to see my fake face. I mean I dress up more than what’s required for work most days, but I guess putting forth the extra effort might get me a compliment and make me feel better. I’ll probably talk with joe about giving me more compliments after he’s done being sick.
Oh yeah, despite not touching me and avoiding the same areas of the house as me while I was sick, joe still caught my cold. If I had more days off I’d take one to take care of him. I love that man.
I broke my diet last night. Joe isn’t feeling well so I went out and got him (and I) Chick-fil-A. I shouldn’t have gotten myself any, but I was hungry. Very hungry. As in order two meals for myself hungry. I should have smacked when I got home from work, but laying down took priority. I was exhausted after work. Not that the day was bad, but rather I’m still a bit sick and energy levels aren’t quite up to par.
I talked with my shrink, and we are going to experiment for one more month to see if I need my pills. So I might be pill free starting soon. Well I’m already pull free we’re just going to see if it’s a good idea.
Something that’s really been getting me down lately is all the comments I’ve been getting on my appearance. I wish I could complain about compliments, but it’s the opposite. Joe’s always been brutally honest with me (which I appreciate since I’m oblivious), but people outside of joe have been commenting negatively on my appearance lately. Last one is “You look like crap” from one of my bosses in reference to the fact I still look sick. Now, normally I’d take it in stride, but lately I’ve noticed that the amount of negative comments far outweigh the good ones. I don’t feel good about my appearance, not because of the criticism, but because of the lack of compliments. I’m not pretty. I don’t dress well. I have poor hygiene. But it’s still nice to feel good about yourself sometimes. A compliment would go far to soothe me. So I’m thinking about wearing makeup to work. I usually don’t because the kids don’t need to see my fake face. I mean I dress up more than what’s required for work most days, but I guess putting forth the extra effort might get me a compliment and make me feel better. I’ll probably talk with joe about giving me more compliments after he’s done being sick.
Oh yeah, despite not touching me and avoiding the same areas of the house as me while I was sick, joe still caught my cold. If I had more days off I’d take one to take care of him. I love that man.
Sunday, January 28, 2018
Update
I talked with my dad last night and it did two things.
1) it inspired me to get back onto dieting. Dishes will be made. But if I manage it to only the weekends I can keep up with it hopefully. And with Joe’s help I can really stay on top of it. Breakfasts will be 3 eggs with veggies. Lunches will be a cup of rice, some chicken and some veggies. I have low cal snacks. Dinners will be microwave meals or salmon and rice.
2) it also got me angry. He said I write on a high school level. And yes, I admit my writing isn't good. My grammar and spelling leave much to be desired. My brain still has trouble connecting sentences like it used to. However, my writing isn't nearly a high school level! I'm insulted. It's at least on undergraduate level, I would say. But then, I don't really have the right to judge my own writing, do I?
It does ring a little true, though. My writing could stand to improve. What can't stand to improve? Maybe I do need to take classes on writing effectively. I don't know when I'll have the time, but it's something to think about in the very least.
I've been gaming a lot more in lieu of contact with people this past month. I have basically beaten Pokemon Moon Ultra (just need to get some ultra beasts from a mini game and beat the battle tree) I beat Doki Doki Literature Club which was a mind fuck. I want to see if there's any after game content. And I just bought the game Shovel Knight which is a 2D platformer that is pretty fun.
My birthday is coming up on the 12th. I know people are going to want to do things for it. Katt wants to come down. I want my parents to come down. I'd like to see my friends. I just don't see me having the time for it. I think this is going to be one of those birthdays that time forgot, you know? I'd be happy enough just forgetting my birthday even existed. I'd happily just let it be another day. I just wont have the time to celebrate it. And that's fine, don't get me wrong. But a little part of me wants to invite friends out camping for my birthday. Not that this is the time of year for camping, but I still desire camping with my friends for my birthday. But since that can't happen I'll settle for everyone forgetting my birthday. That includes me.
I've been sick this past week. It killed me. I now have no more sick days at work for the rest of the year. I lost major points on a couple homework assignments that I forgot. It's just been awful. But I know I can't dwell on that kind of stuff. I have way too much work to do.
Speaking of, I have to clean out the fridge, do dishes, read my homework, then work on my computer homework. So I will leave you all with this. I may not update a lot currently, but know that I still am the chaotic brained mess I always was....just a little busier.
1) it inspired me to get back onto dieting. Dishes will be made. But if I manage it to only the weekends I can keep up with it hopefully. And with Joe’s help I can really stay on top of it. Breakfasts will be 3 eggs with veggies. Lunches will be a cup of rice, some chicken and some veggies. I have low cal snacks. Dinners will be microwave meals or salmon and rice.
2) it also got me angry. He said I write on a high school level. And yes, I admit my writing isn't good. My grammar and spelling leave much to be desired. My brain still has trouble connecting sentences like it used to. However, my writing isn't nearly a high school level! I'm insulted. It's at least on undergraduate level, I would say. But then, I don't really have the right to judge my own writing, do I?
It does ring a little true, though. My writing could stand to improve. What can't stand to improve? Maybe I do need to take classes on writing effectively. I don't know when I'll have the time, but it's something to think about in the very least.
I've been gaming a lot more in lieu of contact with people this past month. I have basically beaten Pokemon Moon Ultra (just need to get some ultra beasts from a mini game and beat the battle tree) I beat Doki Doki Literature Club which was a mind fuck. I want to see if there's any after game content. And I just bought the game Shovel Knight which is a 2D platformer that is pretty fun.
My birthday is coming up on the 12th. I know people are going to want to do things for it. Katt wants to come down. I want my parents to come down. I'd like to see my friends. I just don't see me having the time for it. I think this is going to be one of those birthdays that time forgot, you know? I'd be happy enough just forgetting my birthday even existed. I'd happily just let it be another day. I just wont have the time to celebrate it. And that's fine, don't get me wrong. But a little part of me wants to invite friends out camping for my birthday. Not that this is the time of year for camping, but I still desire camping with my friends for my birthday. But since that can't happen I'll settle for everyone forgetting my birthday. That includes me.
I've been sick this past week. It killed me. I now have no more sick days at work for the rest of the year. I lost major points on a couple homework assignments that I forgot. It's just been awful. But I know I can't dwell on that kind of stuff. I have way too much work to do.
Speaking of, I have to clean out the fridge, do dishes, read my homework, then work on my computer homework. So I will leave you all with this. I may not update a lot currently, but know that I still am the chaotic brained mess I always was....just a little busier.
Monday, January 22, 2018
Self critical
I’m fat, I dress like I’m homeless, and I can’t clean.
I need to lose weight. It’s super hard. I just don’t have the self control. Plus eating right makes a lot of dishes and I’m very bad at doing dishes.
I dress like I’m homeless. I don’t know another way to dress. I’m fat. My clothes are too small. I guess that’s part of it. I don’t have the money to go buy nice well fitting clothes. And if I plan to loose weight it’s pointless anyway.
Right now I’m stuck. I want to change. I want to be skinny again. I just don’t know if I can do it.
I stopped my antidepressants and my Tourette’s meds. I’m fine. Not depressed, and my Tourette’s is under control so far. This isn’t depression. This is frustration. I know I can change. I’m just not good at it.
So new plan!
Do dishes every morning. Every morning! Even if there is only one dish. Focus on calories. Eat more veggies and lean meats. 1200 calories is too intense. I’m going to stay under 1500. And I’m going to go through my closet and get rid of the worst offenders on the clothes front.
Good news is school is going well. Very well. I love it! I’m happy with it, though I’m eager to have my own classroom. I’m actually quite happy most of the time...except when I look in a mirror.
I need to lose weight. It’s super hard. I just don’t have the self control. Plus eating right makes a lot of dishes and I’m very bad at doing dishes.
I dress like I’m homeless. I don’t know another way to dress. I’m fat. My clothes are too small. I guess that’s part of it. I don’t have the money to go buy nice well fitting clothes. And if I plan to loose weight it’s pointless anyway.
Right now I’m stuck. I want to change. I want to be skinny again. I just don’t know if I can do it.
I stopped my antidepressants and my Tourette’s meds. I’m fine. Not depressed, and my Tourette’s is under control so far. This isn’t depression. This is frustration. I know I can change. I’m just not good at it.
So new plan!
Do dishes every morning. Every morning! Even if there is only one dish. Focus on calories. Eat more veggies and lean meats. 1200 calories is too intense. I’m going to stay under 1500. And I’m going to go through my closet and get rid of the worst offenders on the clothes front.
Good news is school is going well. Very well. I love it! I’m happy with it, though I’m eager to have my own classroom. I’m actually quite happy most of the time...except when I look in a mirror.
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