Sunroom garden

There is a lot of things I need to do to get my sunroom garden up to my standards, but I just bought some new additions to add to it when it's complete. 

Lemon balm 

German Chamomile

Catnip

Nasturtium

Johnny Jump-Up

I still need to take stuff to donate it and therefore get a wealth of crap out of my house, and I also need to move some furniture to the shed out back. If I were back a couple years ago, still able to lift and drive I'd have this done in a day...but I've been waiting for people to help me do this, and it's so frustrating. I'm not frustrated at people, but rather at my dependence on people to get things I want done....done. 

I think I'm going to call Mercy House for a pick up and see if I can at least move the chairs into the shed. There's no way I can move the couches at my current health level, but the chairs are something I can try. 

Some additional plants I'm looking at getting:

Stevia

Peppermint

Basil

Comfrey

strawberries

Tomato

Lemon 

Clementine 

Jasmine 

Bonsai

Oxalis 

Flowering maple/ Chinese lantern

African violet 

Ponytail Palm 

Columnea/ goldfish plant

Orchid

I want to do hanging tomato plants as well as strawberries.

I'm also looking forward to being able to take my lilies outside so the cats can have free range of the sunroom again.

New Year. New schedule!

Volunteering

Today starts my first day of volunteering! I've very excited. I will be working with adults, teaching them how to read, and also teaching a citizenship class. I'm very excited to teach again, even if it's adults. I'm hoping that it will get me in the swing of teaching again so I can go back to school and become a teacher. And besides, it'll be nice to get out of the house. I feel I've lost most of my socialization skills this past year.

Job hunting

I talked with some guy at Ticket to Work. That's the division of Social Services that gets us crippled people a job we can do. I'm awefully optimistic. They said that some of the places that work with them offer rides into work. If that doesn't work, I always have public transportation. 

I am scared of riding the public bus for the first time ever, much less in a wheelchair, but I'll do my best. I need to fortify and do it anyway. It's vital to my success and independence.

Marathon training

So I've decided to do six 5ks this year. That means I need to train my body. I'm going to start going to a local park to do some wheel training 2 or three times a week. I might even turn it into a running group since I have so many friends who are runners. 

I'm also going to be going to the pool 2-3 times a week to work on my legs as well as just lap swimming (because I've always enjoyed swimming more than running) I'm hoping to convince someone to get me rides there, since wheeling a mile with wet hair it not ideal, but if all else fails I'll wear a hat. <3 I think I'll do that tomorrow. Hopefully Joe will feel well by then so I can do things.

Cleaning/decluttering

I'm getting rid of anything that doesn't hold value. All things that don't add to my life, I'm getting organized and taking care of my house better. It's a slow going process, but I feel like I'm defiantly making progress. Even though I'm bringing new stuff into the house (Which I know Joe doesn't like) some of it is to replace stuff that is old and worn out, other stuff is to prepare for me having a classroom...because fuck it all if I don't teach in some way. That classroom stuff will be put into boxes and into the basement, though.

I'm also putting insulation film on all of the Windows I have the ability to, because fuck it all if it isn't cold as the devil's testicles in my house during winter. I can only do about 2 a day. Also, I need to put some insulation on the bottom of our front door.

Crafting

I've got fabric, sculpy, and a few odd projects on my to do list as well as my writing. I want to get started in metal stamping, essential oil distilling, and other projects, but I'll wait on those. Right now my projects are simple:

1) Make Rowan a food game of TP rolls and a box. 

2) Finish my Sculpy fox and Slavic dirty charms. 

3) make curtains

I also have a few stories I need to write. My problem is every time I start a story, I get distracted by another story. I need to just sit down and finish one story so I can pay someone to edit it, and then put it up as self publish on Amazon.  I think I'm going to need to set aside a period of time in my day that is strictly writing time. I've danced with this idea before, but when it came to execution, I botched it. We'll see.

Vanity

I am putting forth an effort this year to become better able to take care of my physical appearance. That means I bought a bunch of face goop, hair products, and even some makeup. I bought vitamins to help me loose weight and that added to the exercising should trim me down and make me fit...If I don't keep making and eating mochi. I'm also eating fewer refined foods via blue apron. Yes, it's more expensive...but I don't have to go shopping and all the food comes in a way that's easy to make. 

Ho Ho Ho!

A very greasy merry Christmas from Joe's family Christmas party

Christmas

Christmas always begins at Ferral's. It's a burger joint that's been open in Kentucky since the 1920? Anyway, their burgers are fantastic (That's why they aren't pictured above.) and really good chilli as well. Kentucky isn't Kentucky without Ferral's.

I dressed up for mom to take pictures of me and the dog for some sort of Christmas card or something? I got lots of compliments. I went out to the Trail of Tears museum in Hopkinsville. It was nice. We couldn't go into the museum. It was closed for the holidays, but I got to see a bunch of places and signs. I also noticed that there was a plant some sort of weed or wildflower that formed a perfect I got around one of the monuments. I was super happy to take one. I think it might be nettle. I also bought a wildflower field guide so we'll see once the plant blooms. Dad and Granny called it a monkey face flower. There is no information online about a wildflower that's a monkey face flower, but there's lots of orchids.

After mass we all went to the traditional habachi restaurant. I ate soooooo much food! I had sushi, all of my food, ice cream tempura and hot sake.

My brother Noah and I goofed off a lot. I have him pictured above pretending to be Nick Fury.

We also had the traditional wrapping paper pile for the dog to play in while we opened presents. We then had sausage and eggs for breakfast. 

Noah liked the Deadpool trade comic I got for him. He dressed up as Deadpool for Halloween, but had not read the comics. I solved the problem.

Mom and Granny used the power of teamwork to make Christmas Dinner.

They also protected the food from the Father until it was dinner time. Mom smacked him with a spatula so much! It was hilarious!!

It was a fantastic Christmas! There were hardly any fights. Honestly, the only thing that would have improved it would have bee my other brother being able to be with the family...but he had to work.

Oh well, it was a nice holiday anyway.

I hunted like a city slicker...

The family went out to an Elk and Buffalo park, and we weren't disappointed! There were bison within hands reach of the car. There were near 40 Bison in the herd. It was incredible! We  saws a 14 point elk and a 10 point elk as well as about 20 elk does! I even was delighted to hear a elk bugle! It was amazing. If you're in the Kentucky/Tenessee area do yourself a favor; visit The Elk and Bison Prairie at Land Between the Lakes.

Exercise!

My goal is to do a 5k race by the end of March. My friend Val will be joining me, and that's very exciting. 

Despite being sick and a seizure this Christmas, I have been making a point of getting out and exercising. The week I was at Granny's I've gotten a bunch of wheeling done. It's not every day, but considering it was a vacation and I was sick, I am actually quite proud of myself!

Along the same vein, when I get home I will be riding at least a mile everyday in an effort to train for all the 5ks  I'll be doing in 2016. At the Begining of February, if all goes according to plan, I will move up to 2 miles. I should be doing 3 miles by March. March should be my first 5k.

I'm really looking forward to getting fit again. It felt so good to be out of breath from something other than my body rebelling. 

My goal is to do a number of 5ks (or more). I have a few options, and I have yet to look into runs in the Northern Virginia area. The only problem I'm going to run into for this, is getting a ride to the runs. (J.B. Fletcher didn't need a license. Neither do I!) If you have a run you'd like to do with me, as long as it's not off-road I'm game. I have a lot of running friends.

Shamrock 8k- March 19

Heroes vs Villans - April 10

Big Blue 5k - April 16

Superhero 5k- April 24

Patomac River Running Twilight Festival - June 11

Valley Fourth Run - July 4

Brothers Craft Brewing 3 Miler - Aug 29

Valley Vines Twilight 5k- Sept 18

Crawlin Crab 5k - Oct 1

      

Wicked 10k - Oct 29

Harbor Lights 5k - Nov 19

Rocktown Turkey Trot- Nov 26

Surfin Santa - Dec 19th

Duck Dynasty is Not Parody...but at Least the Family is Together

I sit around the dinner table and I discuss gender politics with my little brother who is high school, and my father. Men are more able than women. Gender identy does not exsist, and there is no such thing as intersex. 

Also, according to dad the English language is incapable of evolving. Encyclopedia Britanica is owned by librals, and Fox News does not have a political bias...

My favorite quote:

Dad: How do you know I don't have transgender friends? 

Me: The amount of offensive things you say would drive them away.

Dad: *No retort*

They go over to watch Duck Dynasty. What they say is strikingly simmilar to what I just heard in the conversation. I can't watch it, but hearing it hurts. I always thought Duck Dynasty was parody...aparently I was wrong. 

Being close quarters with my family is hard. My Great Aunt now lives with us. Her comfort has taken priority over my health. I mean, she is old, and has a bunch of health conditions, but none require her to have a quiet place to escape from things that trigger seizures, She needs help walking, but they left her walker at home so that means that she has to push me in the wheelchair...and she goes super slow, and runs me into things...so I'm stuck running damage control, and unable to go shopping something I don't get to do...ever...because that requires me to leave my house. Which I can now do to a limited amount, but I can't drive so I'm limited to a couple mile radius until I can get the courage to take the bus for the first time.

I've never taken public transportation before, much less alone, and I'm kinda scared. I need to fortify myself and just do it...maybe for the new year.

I'm really looking forward to having everyone opening their Christmas presents. I feel like I got everyone the perfect presents! And Robert is Skyping in. I miss him.  I also have my story telling contest to look foreward to, although it wont be in front of a fire like I wanted...

Because it's supposed to thunder storm and be 70 degrees tomorrow...WTF winter? How did we skip your turn and go straight to spring?

I am feeling very good. I think I've evolved. Level up in badassdom. Despite the arguments, and tension...I'm not feeling the need to run away. Instead I'm problem solving. I get frustrated, yes, but I'm not running away. 

I'm not offended by Dad's ignorance. I'm not indignant about going to Mass twice in one week. I'm not feeling confrontational or defensive. Everything is just...Zen. Even when things are wrong, things just are as they are, and I'm surprisingly okay with it...though I am complaining to Joe. I should probably stop doing that.

I miss my babies. I wish I could be home for the holidays. I wish I had Rowan, Willow, and Balsa with me. Also so they wouldn't bother Joe. But if I look at this impartially...This is the family's holiday. It's noty mine anymore. Starting next year I'll Celebrate midwinter/Yule as my holiday. I'll tell my parents that the 21-22 is my holiday for me and my family (Even if it's just me, and the pets) and they can have me for the rest. This year I couldn't celebrate the solstice. 

Speaking of which, I did tell Noah that I'm not Christian anymore. I think he thinks I'm athiest, but whatever...at least someone in the family knows.

I'm exhausted though, even after a 2 hour nap, shopping for 4 hours has exhausted me. 

Baby!

I love children. I love them at any age. Screaming infant to the most punkish teen, Even though I'll complain insessantly about other people's children I really do find them kind of endeering in ways. I enjoy their creativity, the ability to inspire them, and their boundess love. I also find their nievity inspirational. It's for this reason I want to become a teacher (Among other reasons.)

However, with the prospect of my career on the line because of my poor health, Ifeel desperate to recapture it through any means avalible. I've never really wanted children of my own. I figured I'd leave my legacy in other ways: Teaching students, writing books, pets, starting charities and schools. It was never important to have spawn of my own, especially in a world so full of neglected children. At most I wanted to adopt. Yet I feel like FND is tieing my hands. I can't do half the stuff I want to do because of it.

Baby crazy hit me hard at Joe's famly Cristmas party. All I could think about was spawn and how much I wanted one. I wanted to grow it, poop it out, breast feed it, make sure it got the best education, grew upo to be a moral and upstanding world changer. 

I kept thinking about what a perfect family Joe and I would have. We'd make such smart, creative, pretty babies. We both have good genes, and an even better community for raising children. Any spawn Joe and I had would be beautiful. They would be well educated because I'm a teacher, and Joe is a teacher (in skill not in occupation). We are both creative, free thinking, world changers. Our parents are good people who would keep the children well diciplined, while teaching and inspiring. Both our parents are well off so the kid would not starve. Both Joe and I understand the concept of working hard to get what you want, and any spawn we have would not be spoiled because of that. All our family would live in the same town as we live, and our friends are also very intelligent and good with kids (A lot of them are teachers in some form or another) We would have a good family.

Joe does not want children though. I'm not going to have kids, nor presssure him because a kid is something both people need to want and be ready for. And I'd rather have Joe than a child to be honest so I've come to terms with the fact I'm not getting babies. It strikes me as odd as I never really wanted them until recently anyway. It was hard, but I think I've delved into my own personal reasons for me to want to spawn so desperatly. 

1) Curiosity: With all my friends pooping out kids, breastfeeding, doing mommy-things I am deeply curious as the the mechanics, logistics, and what all goes into the find profession of breeding. What does it feel like to have a kid kick in your belly? What emotions do you feel when the father puts his hands on your tummy? How does it feel to give birth naturally? What feelings do you feel as your spawn is placed on your chest bloody and umbilical cord still pulsing? What does it feel like to breast feed? What does it feel like to watch the love coming from all the friends family and dad holding it? I heart stories, of course...but I don't know.

2) My friends are all growing up and starting families. Since children take up a sizable chunk of time, I feel lost in their conversations. I miss feeling included.

3) It would give me comfort for my lonliness, and a purpose in life. I used to have work, school, and an active social life. Now I spend all of my time alone in the house. Having a baby means that I have both a job and companionship. It would fill my life with unconditional love and purpose. I mean, if I can't teach a classroom, I can still teach asingle child, right? And the kid is company. I can talk to it, teach it, tell it stories hug it when I need physical affection. This is the major reason I want a kid so badly right now.

4) My family is getting older, and so am I. Mom, my great aunt, and my grandmother aren't going to live forever. My mom wants to be a grandmother. Joe's mom (I think) also wants to be a grandmother. Joes dad and my dad are both masters of doting on children! Noah hasn't graduated high school yet. Joe's brother doesn't seem to have interest in starting a family. I don't think he'll get to that point for a long time. Robert doesn't want to get married and he's not the type. Joe's sister is the same. That leaves me. That leaves Joe.I feel its my responsibility to provide my mother with the grandbaby. What's more...I'm going to hit 30 in a few months. Although its not a sore spot with me really. I recognize that as I get older there is more health risks for myself as well as well as any spawn i have as the years progress. In other words my bio-clock is reminding me that if I'm going to have a baby ever, it needs to be in the next 5-10 years.

5) I have the body for baby making. I have the hips. I have the boobs. I have the genes. (My FND isn't genetic) I feel like it would be a waste of my baby maker to not use it.

6) I want to make all the things!!! Babies are a good reason to make things...I want to make clothes and blankets, and toys, and tools! I want to make things!

The reasons I don't want to spawn.

1) Time

2) Money

Things I can do to satisfy some of these issues:

1) Become a serrogate. I know people who want babies and can't have them. I could get pregnant and have a baby for those people.

2) Adopt or become a foster parent. There are so many kids out there that need love.

3) Volenteer or get a job working with kids.

4) Steal my friends children for extended periods. 

5) Find another legagy or "Child" for Joe and I.

Can I go back..?

I am having the weirdest feelings today. I feel like I'm not altogether anchored to my body. When something moves in front of my face echoed images follow it like some weird tripping scene from a movie. 

I'm hungry. 

My head hurts.

All I can think about is ham, easy over eggs, toast, and christmas cookies. 

Our bread is moldy. I still made myself a peanutbutter and jelly and cut off as much mold as I could. It was gross, but moving is weird...disjointed. There aren't many other options in the house. I need to go shopping. I was supposed to do that today. Guess what didn't happen.

I feel hot and cold at the same time. Maybe I have a fever. I don't feel feverish, but that hot-cold feeling is very simmilar.

I am angry. I want to be able to do what I want today. Joe is in the middle of finals. I need to take care of him, my house, and my babies. I feel like it's all I can do to hold on to earth and my body before it goes flying off. I am so angry. I just want to be able to do the things I used to. Hell, I'd settle with being able to clean and cook.

I never wanted to be a home maker. Its not that I look down on homemakers, it's just never been the lifestyle I crave. But if I could get to the point where I could be a homemaker even. I wouldn't have to have grand adventures. I wouldnt have to have a farm. I wouldn't have to teach. I would be happy with just living a life out of bed...away from my malfunctioning body. I would take such good care of the house, of my pets, of my boyfriend. Okay, there would be a steep learning curve. I admit it. I'm not good at cleaning...but if it meant I could be normal or at least an echo of normal again I would do it in a heartbeat. 

Being like this makes me feel depressed. 

I just want to be normal again.

Spirit Animal

I have never had an affinity for one particular animal in the way a lot of people have. I don't have a favorite animal, Ive never identified myself as having animalistic traits. When my friends went through a furry drawing phase I felt left out since I couldn't place an animal avatar to represent me. Hell, even my local friend group has animal personas as a joke. They assigned me the Oppossum which seems to be a referance to the fact that at one time my boyfriend was a Opossum breeder in a LARP. It's cute, but it doesn't ring true.

One of the things about Slavic Heathenism from what I've been reading is a totemic bond with a particular animal or plant. I threw my hands in the air! What kind of animal or plant do I identify with enough to use in my worship?! None I tell you! 

So I am on a quest to find my totem. It may take a while. First I need to get better at meditation (Which has the added benefit of being good for my FND) So that's what I'm focusing on currently.

It's a little embarasing, but last night while I was meditating, a fluffy white fox came up to me. I don't think it is my totem. I didn't feel the connection with it, but I burried my fingers in its thick fur and told it I was looking for my totem. Then it went away. I think that maybe that the fox might have been a spiritual messenger called by my quest. I think that when I've grown enough to my totem's satisfaction it will reveal itself to me. The meditation felt so real. It was actually kind of cool.

Looking to the New Year

Legend's Yule feast has come and gone, and my ego has been stroked. Those people that I celebrated Yule with always makes me feel like a rockstar. Even though there are people that aren't the most positive of people, there is so much love there with that group that I feel refreshed walking away every time. 

I'm still afflicted by the coughing plague so that it's hard to clean and do what I want to do to prepare for the new year. However, despite this I am still working hard to get things under control. I finished allmost all of my Chrismas presents. I'm hoping tomorrow I will have all but the last bit mastered. 

I've been mostly cleaning too. Mostly it's unnoticable stuff, but I am deturmined to have the house cleaned to better standards by the 21st (Thats when my folks come to visit to pick me up for Christmas) 

I finished going through a box of other people's stuff and got all the items ready for shipping. I finished wrapping gifts. It wasn't much, but I've been in a bad health day today.

Because of this, Tomorrow will be me in my wheelchair heading down to Ace Hardware and CVS and picking up some odds and ends to help me clean. On top of that it will be nice exercise. I plan on mastering the dishes, the cat boxes, haging some curtains in the bedroom, and fixing the cat tower I made. I also intend to straighten the living room, and my christmas present frenzy has made a mess in there. 

So I've been conflicted. I am no longer Christian. My parents are. I want to differentiate my beliefs on the turn of the seasons and reconcile them with my parents. And although I'm not going to tell them I am Heathen, I want to share my holiday with them. Since one of the most important parts of Yuletide is family, I don't think that it will be too hard. Family has always taken centerstage during my family's holidays. However, I'm going to be going to Mass. I'm going to eat Jesus' birthday cake...I figure that if I'm going to do all that, I'll share some of my holiday.

So Heathenry of the Slavic flavor believes something about the the sun god dieing on the night of winter soltice and being reborn. It's a common story among most pagan belief systems. And although I don't believe that the sun literally dies and then is reborn. I do recognize that the turn of the season is an important event in the agrarian calander. Fire and stories (particularly ghost stories) play an important role in this. So I have challanged my father to a story telling contest around a fire on Christmas Eve. We are going to sit around a fire in my grandmother's back yard, drink cocoa, and dad and I will have a bardic compition.

Now, one of the things I love about my father is that he is such a wonderful storyteller. It seems so odd to me that despite being in a profession, and of a disposition, that doesn't lend itself to many flights of fancy, my dad can make up one hell of a story. When we were camping in Nevada he made up a story of a warewolf that could only be slain by sandstone stakes. A story compition is too perfect.

I'm looking to the new year as a year of focus. I need to focus on getting control of my life slowly, instead of all at once. I can influence the world around me and doing that without reaching too far is my goal. I'm going to start by keeping the floor I live on clean. Yes, I'd like to write, volenteer, work, and a lot of other things, but my first job is to take care of my health, and the health of the area around me. 

Although My goals for this coming year include 

1) Volunteer 

2) Start working

3) Publish a book (not just write, but publish)

4) Continue to explore my new spiritual identity

Herbalism

 I broke down and hopped on Reddit to figure out some of the unknown plants in my garden. It's been enlightening. And to keep his information for future reference, I bought another 2 sketchbooks (one of them is for...actual drawings...) 

In the books I will draw some of the plants features, the scientific and common name. I'll write a discription, then I'll include upkeep information such as soil ph, water rationing, sun requirements, and delightful stuff along those lines. I want to include its native habitat too. Finally I'm going to look into the folklore, natural remedy uses, or if it's more decorative than functional.

So far I have 3 grimoir things. A philosophy and lore book, a "spell, song, and prayer book", and now my garden herb book. Next I think I'll get a book for strictly major spell work... If I even believe in that...I'm not to sure I'm keen on spells in general to be honest, but there are special holiday rituals I may enjoy. I might put that in there. Also, divination, and journal experiance with meditation, and perhaps eventually use of this neat salve that I've head about on my witchy podcasts that's supposed to (legally) enhance other worldly experience.

I would maybe like to find a totem I identify with. All the usual subjects don't feel as though they personify me. Though, that being said, Slavic hethenism seems to have a keen liking to trees and their lore suggests that trees are just as totemic as animals. That feels more correct to me.

I'm going to miss solstice this year in favor of being with my family.  Although I'd love to burn a Yule log and stuff, I think family is way more important!

Gross!

(Warning: lots of tmi)

So I'm laying in bed, coughing up phlegm from my bronchitis, having my lady-time flow, and putting out more gas and poop than I think is natural considering how much I've been eating lately. Maybe because I started taking probiotics?

In other words: "I feel gross!"

But tomorrow is Legend's Yule event. I'm heartbroken. This is the last legends...ugh! And they're doing a final photoshoot...and I'm no longer thin and pretty enough to look feminine, nor am I muscled and buff enough to pull off my masculine characters. It's not that I hate how I look. It's just I don't feel like I pull off my characters like I used to... Black smithing warrior Saint or for resting warrior wolf familiar with a paunch? No one would believe it. Half starved gypsy, or a Victorian lady type with arm flab? I would get so many looks. It's not that I'm uncomfortable in my body. I just realize my body right now doesn't fit the characters I play at all right now.

Plus, I'm totally not digging on the fact I'm farting every 3 minutes like clockwork... 

And then I play my dating sims, and I suddenly miss being able to be active and adventurous and...well pretty.

I'm just not pretty anymore.

It's not that I mind. I'm just getting older, and dealing with a medical thing...but I miss having the power to get guys to want to sleep with me. It's not that I followed up on it, but just feeling desired was enough. Even when my husband wouldn't touch me, knowing that there was someone that would really made me feel...special? Normal? I don't know.

I'm trying to make the best of what I got. Despite my bronchitis I did get out in my chair this week (I'm hoping for more next week. Cuz you know...how long can broncitus and a period last?) in planning on getting super active and looking good again! 

...hopefully...

Maybe it's pms that has me so down on how I look today... Maybe it's the blood shit and phlegm...

I just wanna be a pretty sparkle princess. Is that so much to ask? A pretty dress, a man who wants to impress me as much as I want to impress him (which I kind of have if only there were more time in the day, and I was healthier) and fucking sparkles and bubbles and camera glares and billions who adore me and do everything I desire! And a sword...a badass sword! Maybe sword-chucks!!!

Yeah....that's how I can feel pretty. I'll buy. Myself some sword chucks...

Yeah...sword chucks...

Joe

This is my boyfriend Joe. He's goofy, handsome, kind, funny, creative, strong, dedicated, hardworking, intelligent (Though he'll deny it)  and someone I look up to and admire. I am madly in love with this man. I would have neverhave guessed I could be so lucky as him wanting me. Even if he dumped me tomorrow, I would count myself amazingly blessed to have had him in my life romantically. I would loathe to give up our friendship, however. He's beenm an amazing friend who's stuck by me through some damn aweful times. 

It's been nearly 3 years since Joe and I drunkenly hooked up, and I hold that that was the best thing I've ever done drunk. In the begining I strictly kept it physical, still wounded and reeling from my divorce. But over the next few months I am so grateful for him for that.rew more and more drawn to him. 

May 23, 2013 I was the first to say those three words I never expected myself to hear from my lips. I was intoxicated, and dont remember much of it, but I do remember laying in his lap watching some show on TV in the same house we currently live in. (It's one of the reasons I like this house so much.)

We moved in together, went to school together, shared a bathroom, dealt with several hospitalizations and a chronic illness. We've been though poverty and comfort, the stress of work and school in combination, and if anything, I feel as though our relationship has grown.

He has put up with a lot of my shit, lately. I don't clean as much as I aught to. I make a lot of mess with my crafting. I don't have a job, and I am very needy when it comes to catching rides. I've also noticed I'm not as good at doing things to make him happy like I used to. This is something I hope to change.

I really am in love with him, though. I want to marry him, have children (fur or flesh doesn't matter) I want to elevate his goals, and by proxy his family business. I want him to succeed in everything and I want to share all of my goals, dreams, and joys with him. I want to take him places and show him beautiful things. I want to fight. I want to make up. I want to live with him in my life always.

And I feel the fool for it. Im so crazy about Joe. He's not perfect, nut he's the perfect man for me, and that's more than enough. I get scared sometimes that he'll wise up and leave me. I wouldn't blame him. I'm a fat cripple with no job. Yes, I keep trying to improve, but sometimes it's one step forward two steps back, and I fear the day i'll back up to the point I'm more trouble than I'm worth...you know...normal girl stuff...

But at the same time, He'll touch his calf to mine in his sleep. He'll bring me food when I'm sick. He'll come into a room just to kiss me, and I feel like stars are falling on my skin and tickling my body while I fly towards them with wings of autumn leaves. It's the best feeling in the world when he just takes 5 seconds, looks at me, and smiles. Thats really all it takes to make me feel like I'm swooning. I've never swooned before, but I've never been closer to it than when Joe shows me favor in even the smallest way.

What the hell brought this on, you may ask. The answer is simple...

Dating Sims. 

You see, the past few years, although he puts in effort where he can, he's been super busy. He works, goes to school, has friends and family. He's a life long learner so he's constantly developing himself to help his family's company become the best it can be. That really doesn't leave a lot of time for romance.

What's more, I'm sick. Not the coughting kind, but the I can't even jack off without having a tremor attack. It's hard on him. I'm weak, I have no stamina, and I have a hard time seeing to his physical needs. He's so busy, and on the edge of a mental break he wont let me attend to his emotional needs. I even have a herd time keeping him from getting stressed out about the cleanliness of the house (not that he blames me, but I feel a personal responsibility for it having ne job) All this means, there is very little romance in our lives at the moment. It's understandable, 

But I started a dating sim. I chose a character based completely on how badass his armor was, and as Rod as my witness... I chose a Joe character. Rindoh acts like Joe, says things like Joe, fights like Joe, hell...he kind of even looks like joe. 

So is it any wonder I imagine it's Joe and I taking this adventure in my dating sim? I find myself looking forward to Rindoh doting on me as much as Joe. It's rediculous, and weird, but I'm in love. So very in love.

1,647

Yesterday was eventful and sensational.

I tried to figure out how many mpoints I get everyday to spend. I got 1647 points. That's about average I think.  I currently have 40,160. A $25 Amazon gift card is 65k. Everyday I spend 100 point on a sweepstakes (not because I expect to win anything, but because every 20 sweepstakes I enter I get a dollar into Amazon.) I also spend 100 points on a charity. My two favorites are Pencils of Promise and the ASPCA.

One day I'm going to volunteer at pencils of promise, and I'll be fostering animals as well. It's a dream...

In the meantime I wait for my Amazon gift card so I can buy all of the books!

All Christmas presents are in, and I'm almost done making the 3 I need to make. I can't say what they are in case they read my blog, but I'm very pleased with the progress.

I finished making one of the 8 curtains for  the sunroom! It only took a few hours! It's not perfect, but it's mine. I plan on having all the sunroom cleared out and ready for my winter garden before Yule. (Which is when I leave for Granny's)

It spreads out to cover both windows, but I want one for each window so it will fold more and trap more heat in.

I'm also taking a few coursera online college courses (not for credit) one of them is about the senses that a plant has. I have learned that plants will grow towards blue light not red (as proved by Charles Darwin) and you can cause a plant judges seasons based on the time they spend in darkness, not by the amount of time they spend in light. And some other neat stuff based on a plants sence of "sight" (I mean they don't have eyeballs, but they can sence color and darkness as well as light so...) it's a super cool class. I'm also taking an animal welfare class, a kids nutrition class, and an animal conservation class.

I finished a painting for my alter too:

It's based on Czech mythology. It's said that in the beginning there was nothingness. In that nothingness was a golden egg. In that egg was the God Rod. He created the goddess Lada, the Goddess of love and threw her through the shell, cracking it, and sending love out. Then he broke through the shell (which I correlate to the Big Bang) then he created the universe with his body. His eyes became the stars, his breath became the air, his thoughts became the night, and a bunch of other parts of his body became the rest of the universe. (This parallels morse creation myth because the universe was made by a frost giant or something) Before he finished becoming the universe he made the smith God who I forgot the name of to finish making the world.

I really like this creation myth for three reasons. 1) it runs as an allegory to the scientific phenominon of the Big Bang. 2) Love became the first thing in the universe. 3) The creator is everywhere without meddling in everything. We breath creation in our lungs. We feel it in the sun. There's something really poetic about that.

Anyway, the painting symbolizes that egg. And the swirl inside is a Czech symbol for divine wholeness. Past-present-future, the three realms of the Czech world-tree, youth-middle age-old age. 3 is a holy number in Slavic lore. I really like how it turned out.

I also got a special delivery!!!

Bam! Wheelchair, bitches!

I took it for its first spin to emergicare...because I have bronchitis...again...and I can't stop coughing. Ugh! But, I'm glad I took it because by the time we were heading home, my legs were all sorts of wobby and not doing what I told them, and the tremors weren't fun either.

I also found out that I got a book signed by my author friend without me asking for one. He's really a sweetheart, but he hides behind a thick layer of cynicism and snark. His dedication: "Stop faking. Clean the house.-David " it made me frown then laugh. He knows I'm not faking, but I told him when this first started I feel better laughing about my disability so he's really been trying to figure out a way to tease me to get me to laugh. He truly has a good heart.

Though I really do need to clean the house.

I have a therapy appointment at noonish. Then I'll see if I can get my broncitus meds from Walmart. Then I'll take them and see if I can't do some dishes and laundry before I get back into crafting.

Sick

I have a chest cold. It sucks. I tried to get out of bed to get work done, but my body said nope.

Today I listened to podcasts, knit, and planned my underground garden/aquaponics/barn (eventually I'll have 9 of them.)

Joe soiled me with food and beverages. Cats are punks.

The end.

Guilty pleasures.

My ultimate guilty pleasure is dating games. This kills my inner feminist, not because it's girly (feminists can be girly too) it kills it because the girls are always sweet, feminine, and virginal to the point of flatness. Even the "tomboy" character is a farce. What's more the males have personalities of possessive masogonists.

Still...

It's nice to calculate decisions I make to effect an end goal. It's nice to be doted on by unrealistically pretty people (I play both male and female dating games). And honestly, it's nice to pretend to be someone else. 

My current dating game is Shall We Date: Niflheim. It's awful in all the usual ways, but I'm hooked on one character. He completely reminds me of me. I'm wooing myself! It's so amazing!

Look at him...LOOK AT HIM!

Sweet Jesus I'm pretty.

And to show how awesome my real life man is, and how much he dotes on me (He's my real life dating game that tickles my feminist buttons)

I'm sick right now. Coughing and stuff, but I got a lot of work done prepping the sunroom for my indoor garden.

I started researching slavic heathenism. It actually matches my beliefs pretty well. It parallels Norse mythology a lot, but it really makes more sense to me. We'll see as I look into it more.

I've starting looking into herbalism too. Not for magic, but to treat my FND as well as helping with colds and stuff like that. Not to replace medicine either, but the supplement it.

I'm all over the place in my brain. I blame my sick, but I have been doing things.

Also, no sign of my wheelchair yet. I'm starting to get irritated. 

New opportunities

Joe and his mom are letting me borrow their iPad. I'm really excited about this! To date 90% of my posts have been made on my tiny iPhone. It's been difficult, but I haven't really noticed because it's been the easiest option.

I'm excited because the I pad has a larger screen which means a much easier time typing (I can now use two hands) this is also beneficial for writing my novels. On my phone the keyboard takes up half the screen. The other half is divided between headers and scroll bars. It makes it where I only have a sentence or two of backlog.

It also means that I can read my kindle books more easily!!! This is the original reason they let me borrow it. Somehow, I lost my kindle so I've been reading on my phone, which is great for texting and phone calls, but it has such a tiny screen...

Anyway, I'm really excited for the opportunities this will bring me. It will increase both my reading and writing production!

Thanksgiving.

The night before thanksgiving I had an amazing dinner with my boyfriend's parents. Tatiana chicken, wild rice, caprice salad, and fried oysters! It was amazing! I love fried oysters!

After I went to bed, though I was sick to my stomach. I planned and budgeted for my wedding(that's about 5 weddings I have planned to distract myself), which since I haven't been proposed to, seems a little frivolous, but it distacts me with happy thoughts so I continue.

But I threw up at about 2 am and immediately felt better. Maybe I'm allergic to oysters? Maybe it was my FND? Who knows

I woke up and watched Good Morning America and the Macy's Parade, ate coffee cake and quiche, drank Mimosas, and had a great time with my boyfriend's mother! But I had to take frequent naps and time away from stimuli, and as time went on I only got worse and worse. Finally, about an hour or two before dinner I had to go home it got so bad. I ultimately had a seizure.

Luckily, everyone was super understanding, and Joe even brought me home a plate (as well as leftovers) right after the meal so I didn't miss out.

It's really hard to be thankful when bad things happen. I missed out on a lot of good times because of my own body... but then I remembered something Mr Rogers, one of my personal badass role models, said "When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." And although a seizure isn't newsworthy, I did look to the helpers. I looked at the people who understood and helped me through a bad experiance, and I was grateful.

On a day so marked by gratitude, I found myself so thankful for my boyfriend and his family. They are generous with their time, feelings, and even finances. I am so grateful to them.

At 10-11 I was good enough to call my own family. Sure it sounded like I had a mouth full of cotton, but I am so thankful for my own family and I wanted to tell them.

And with a heart full of gratitude for all my family, I did my "Black Friday" shopping in a way that didn't make anyone have to miss out on spending time with their own families: I.e. Online.

I probably spent too much, but I know everyone will get a gift that means something to them and comes from my heart. 

I am making a few gifts as well, and I got started on one of them and continued working on another. I have 2 kids that I have to figure out what I'm going to make for them, but I know they will be happy with the gifts, and so will their parents.

Thanksgiving: growth and harvest

GI'm just going to post pictures of some of my non-cleaning projects.

Bulbs from my blood red lilies that I'm going to replant sometime soon

Some of the many plants that will be housed in the sunroom when I get it insulated and cleaned out. I'm also thinking about purchasing a small aquaponics system to get me in the habit of looking after an aquaponics system.

My kitchen garden. When I get the sunroom in order, this will be my area of new growth. Little sprouts will make their start here.

A painting I'm working on, ands paint chip curtain I'm also working on.

Yesterday I had all sorts of friends contacting me. I even hung out with one of my best friends.

I started planning a new angle for my homestead, as well as current plans of starting to make herbal tinctures.

Wheelchair may be in next week? I'm starting to get impatient 

Tomorrow is thanksgiving. I think im going to do a post on gratitude in relation to badassitude. Or maybe I'll just post on what I'm thankful for. In the mean time I'm going to enjoy my life. Because despite its problems, I am very thankful for it.

Good news!

So I'm on disability. It sucks. I hate being a burden on society. It's nessicary, but I still hate it. I can't work because my brain leaves me a lot of the time, I have trouble reading, and even writing sometimes. I physically am useless, and I have trouble speaking sometimes. I have no marketable job skills at the moment. What's more, even if I did get a job, being out around people makes my condition worse. And even family and friend interactions can cause seizures (as well as loud noises, too much movement, multiple conversations happening at once, and so many others). These seizures have effects that last days. who would want to employ someone who had to take 2-3 days off several times a month? I know I wouldn't!

I also don't have health insurance, well I do, but it only covers birth control and a yearly Pap smear. As someone who needs actual medical care to get better and function, I've been paying out of pocket as well as Jerry-rigging a medical plan.

So I go to the mailbox today and there's a letter from social security (the people who handle my disability benefits) and I pouted a bit. Let's face it, any letter from the government is kind of a monicker of more and unpleasant work.

I was surprised to find that the letter was chock full of amazing and good news!

Not only might I be able to get health insurance,but it gave me options for employment! 

I litterally just got the letter, and it bears more investigation (as I had a seizure yesterday, I might not get to it till Sunday) but this is happy and hopeful news!

Long term Money goals

As of today, Joe and I both bring in an income of $23,000 a year. We live pretty comfortably off this. Yes, we still have wants, and I have debt (mostly medical), but for the most part, we live comfortably.

After both Joe and I graduate, we stand to make 6 figures in money and benefits. I don't think I could deal with having that much money. It seems way too... Excessive after living most of my adult life on less than 12k a year. I have friends who would live off more, but honestly, I don't need it. I'm a pretty simple person.

Now I haven't talked with Joe about this. This is mostly musing.

So, in my time on Pinterest, I've looked at several pins that say stuff like "live off 30k a year" and "How live off 20k a year." And I like it. The federal poverty level is 22k for a family without kids. So I think we could live a lavish lifestyle for $35k a year, and if we spawn or adopt we can add an additional 5k a year.

All the rest of the money would be split into 2 groups, I think: saving/investment (including saving for the spawn's education) so that we can expand our wealth and not have to worry about future financial problems, and charity because Joe and I both firmly believe that aiding the community is what matters in life. 

I want to host 2 fundraisers a year: 1 medical (lupus, FND, st. Baldricks), and 1 

Community fundraiser, and I'm currently leaning towards United way. I want to eventually sponcer a low income public boarding high school in the area based on the Seed School in Washington DC. We have a high homeless population in the area, and investing in the education of an area is investing in the future profitability of an area. I also really want a scholarship fund as well, perhaps for women or minorities in the construction industry, or men or minorities going into education to satisfy my feminist agenda. Who knows, I might be able to do both! I also want to make 1 aid trip a year. Go build an orphanage in China, build a school in Nepal, help eradicate guinea worm in Africa...you know, helping people abroad.

But anyway, I feel like living off of 35k a year, and budgeting well will be easy enough. That's an additional 12k from what we have now. That is so much money I'm still having trouble figuring out what we'd do with it all.

I guess I'm just day dreaming. Graduation for both of us is years away, and it's nice to think about being rich. Also it's nice to feed my philanthropy boner.

Hair!

Today, after a comment from my boyfriend to remind me I haven't shaved in months (upwards of 4) I decided to try sugar waxing as I've heard good things about it. I've been meaning to try it for a while.

Waxing has never really worked on me. I suppose that my hair has always been too smooth or something. But I found an easy recipe and hoped it would work this time around.

http://m.wikihow.com/Make-Sugar-Wax

I followed the instructions, and I got a pretty good waxy consistency. But, essentially it was a flop. Almost no hair was removed every time I tried. I was disappointed, but not surprised.

I fell back on my fail safe. I mix sugar and coconut oil, scrub the area that I'm going to shave, shave it, then use the sugar scrub again. It always works with amazing results. However, because I get so tired so easily, I don't do it often.

And I am exhausted. So I'm probably stuck in bed for the rest of the day and I'll clean out the tub tomorrow. I feel nice and clean and smooth, but I'm also hungry. Im wondering if I can get my boy to pick up a little ceases pizza to tide me through the rest of the day.

Handicap

Today has been rough. My tremors have been bad. My pain and fatigue: bad. And I burned out the motor on our nice food processor trying to recycle paper. Plus Joe is out having a good time.

Normally the Joe part wouldn't bother me so much. I'd call a girlfriend and go out for beers, head over to someone's house and harass them.

But I'm stuck by my own body. Even if I could drive, I physically can hardly stand today, and it hurts to move. 

I don't care what the pc term is for handicap, but I don't like it. It doesn't encircle the wholeness of lacking control.

I'm not wholly bad off,though. I've gotten plenty of kitty cuddles. Mom sent me goofy pictures of her dog, and I had a good dream last night. Plus, Joe looked so handsome when he left, and he was so loving!

I guess today is just a down day.

So how can I rectify this into a badass track? Well, I'm going to pop a pain pill, smoke a cigarette, and maybe listen to more podcasts. Nothing like expanding knowledge and wisdom to uplift the spirits. I might sing obnoxiously too.

My wheelchair is a week late coming in. I'm so excited! I've got so many plans! I'm going to get my life back.

Surprises

I just got off the phone with my dad, and I do believe it was the first non-contentious serious conversation we've ever had.

I've never really got on well with my father. Sure we love each other, and we would readily die to keep each other safe and all that, but as a person...I guess we're both just too stubborn to see each other's point of view. I'm super sensitive to his criticism in reaction to him being very hyper critical. I'm very socially liberal, and he's a staunch conservative in all respects. I love him. He's just a major source of arguments for me.

Well he calls me out of the blue just to get updated on how I'm doing. There was no judgement in his tone the whole time we were talking about therapy and my disorder. I was baffled. He seemed so neutral and almost passive. I'd never thought dad could take that tone.

I mentioned that I was both raped and sexually assaulted, and his voice did get angry. He almost asked me how I got myself into those situations, but he cut himself off. I want everyone to know that this has never happened before. He stopped saying something offensive because he knew it would bother me. This is huge! 

Sure, he still has a pretty conservative mentality, and I'm sure victim blaming would have come up, but he stopped himself. I didn't have to butt heads with him because he purposely avoided a conversation he knew would take an angry path!

I am so fucking proud of my dad right now! I can't tell you how pleased I am with him! He's not perfect, no one is. But this is solid evidence that he is trying to put his ego aside to forge a closer relationship with me!

Squee!

Also I had some friends from group therapy over this afternoon. I made some damn good chilli and I helped a friend in need out by giving her the leftovers and some canned food I was going to donate to the food bank. Seeing her smile made me feel so happy. She's in a rough spot. I've been in rough spots before too. I recognize that and I am so glad I could give her smiles.

My favorite couple came over tonight too! It wasn't anything fancy, we just sat around talking and playing games, and crafting. It's just perfect.

I am so exhausted right now though. I may fall asleep before I get the chance to take my pills.

Ballance

So, I've been on a journey of self discovery. When I'm not exploring what I believe, I've been spending my time creating.

Along the way, I've forgotten to be goal oriented. I have been lost in my own mind. This isn't very badass.

I've also dropped certain habits that I've really started to enjoy. Part of that has been due to me not feeling well the past week, and the other part is laziness. 

Things I must do daily to feel good:

1) straighten my room before I leave it. 

2) take my vitamins(and eat breakfast so it won't upset my stomach)

3) do a load of laundry

4) do any dishes in the sink

5) clean the litterboxes

6) shower

7) brush my teeth

8) make dinner for Joe and I

9) keep track of what I eat

10) weigh myself daily

If I can do these things I can shift my mentality from useless leach on society to a homemaker. (Which even though it's a noble profession, it's not my goal in life.)

Things that I'd like to start doing to achieve long term goals:

1) write for an hour or more every day.

2) start training for a 5k roll.

3) spend some time on crafting every day.

4) look into teaching jobs I can do online, or some other work from home job.

Thinks that are idealistic and not very likely for me to do at this current stage.

1) make lunches for Joe. (Bento is super cool!)

2) take Brazilian jujitsu classes.

3) go back to school full time.

4) publish books.

I just need to keep reminding myself that goals are the best form to put you in a functional direction. I need to keep my current goals realistic. So I'm going to go back to doing the first list daily.

Tomorrow I have the girls from my therapy group coming over for chilli. I'm hoping it'll be fun! I also baked two pies and some banana bread. (Which Joe said was really good)

I'm hoping I don't get too burned out. I'm already so exhausted. I've got so many things to do yet.

I honestly feel like I'm falling apart physically. The tremors are getting better, but my bad periods are really bad still. I really hope that I can get to a functional level soon.

I may try to implement a schedule again. 

I need about 10-12 hours of sleep to retain any function. So we'll see how that goes.

Intellecualizing spirituality in the context of badassitude (with a side of humorous misadventure)

Spirituality is an ongoing journey to rationalize a spiritual exsistance in terms of a human experience. It may involve dirties. It may not. It may involve our own power to control and influence the world around us or our own bodies and actions. It may not. Morality may also be defined by spirituality.

Religion is spirituality predefined by someone else. Finding the ability to go along this pre formed path is the mainstay of religion.

It is my belief that spirituality is a deeply personal thing. Not everyone does it the same, and that's okay. It is through a collection of independent philosophical thoughts that we become more defined as spiritual beings delving into the whys and hows of exsistance.

Shedding the trappings of religion is, as you know, something that I have done. It is a concious decision I've done in reaction to an unwillingness to conform myself to a spirituality that I disagreed with to the fundamental core.

Finding who you are in relation to what you believe is a very big fundamental in a journey to badassitude. It is through self discovery that we grow confidence and intelligence. 

Because of this notion I've taken it upon myself to explore religion and philosophy in my spare time. I am doing this by listening to various religious, scientific, and philosophical podcasts, exploring books, websites, and even Pinterest. (I have a lot of trouble reading still and graphic based presentations are particularly helpful to me.)

As I seek other people's thoughts on their own human condition, I'm writing in a book. I'm documenting my spiritual growth in a book. It's an artistic endevour as well as an exploratory one.

I've taken a black leather bond sketch book. So far I have two pages. The first is a family tree. Family is important to me. They have contribeted genes as well as family philosophy down along the lines. They are influential, both positively and negitivity in who I am through both natural means and by basic human interaction.

The second page I'm using as a snapshot as before and after. It has a short quote summarizing my beliefs before an in depth exploration. When I finish the book it will have a second quote.

We'll see where it goes from here. I may or may not update my blog based on what I discover.

While this is a very intellectual topic, I wanted to share some funny things that have happened so far:

While searching for a few witchcraft podcasts I searched a generic "witch" and "witchcraft" and sure enough, Bill O'Riely's podcast came up multiple times. This had me in stitches. I hate him as a person in the public sphere, not because of his beliefs or intelligence (or maybe lack there of...), but because he's condescending, arrogant, and rude. Finding his podcast in among witchcraft is gala rips because he is a witch in the non metaphysical sence of the word.

I also downloaded a book about Slavic Religons, as that is where the majority of my bloodline comes from. As I was reading it I became more and more confused. I know some of the prominent dirties and basic creation story as well as some basic philosophy. Instead of mokosh, perun, and velas, I got an interstellar war, inter dimensional beings, and philosophy on ethnic superiority of whites. That's right, I read Scientology texts that said it was the Slavic faith. It hurt my brain so badly.

It's the first one star review I've ever left.

I'm sure there will be many more misadventures in days to come. I'll share the most humorous ones, I'm sure.