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Too long have I been dwelling on my day to day affairs. Too long have I spent blog entries on things that should be footnotes in this blog. Today I feel healthy enough to start back again on my goal oriented posts. I will still have posts concerning my health and life where it pleases me, and where appropriate, but this is my blog to become a badass, not "A day in the life" nor "My health at a glance."

I think I'm going to begin today exploring emotions:

I spent Monday feeling like a goddess as I lay in bed. Slowly I was struck by an emotion. It was a little voice that said, "You don't deserve to be this happy." Now, logically I scoffed at this though, this out of place emotion. "Eat a dick," my head said. " I'm an adult. I fucking do what I want!" but my feelings were hit like somoeone wound up with a baseball bat and pounded my emotions like a 5 year old does a pinata at a birthday party. "Oh God," my emotions whined. "It's true. It's so true! I'm not worthy of happiness."

The rest of the week I've spent contemplating this awful thoughts. Why do I think I'm not worthy? I'm no more worthy than anyone else. I believe everyone on this planet is entitled to forgiveness and happiness. Even people who have threatened my life and the lives of those I love (though I still think they need to get out of our lives and get the help they desperately need). I believe that everyone from the most awful serial killer to Bill Gates is entitles to forgiveness, and happiness. Why should I be excluded from this belief?

I have this eminence guilt for all the things I've done wrong in my life. They range from losing my mom's favorite shirt in high school to hurting my ex-husband, God, and the people I love during my divorce. If I can forgive pedophiles, murderers, and abusers, why can't I forgive myself?

I also have this overpowering drive to be perfect. If it's not perfect, it's trash. I give no leeway for my humanity. Now this is strange, I hold firm with my students that effort and self improvement are more important than perfection. Why am I so attached by the need to be perfect instead of embracing my humanity and being happy with trying my best?

I am more than what I do. I am more than what I produce. I am worthy of forgiveness. I am worthy of happiness. I'll talk with my therapist about this on Friday.

Thursday's Self Improvement Club will be spent celebrating a successful interview for the only other official member, Thom. We're going thrift store window shopping (where I will purchase him something nice.), out to lunch, and then to the post office(because I have some stuff I need to mail out.)

The thrift store holds a duel purpose. I can't make costuming for my LARP this weekend. So I will have to buy it. Luckily I'm playing an old lady, so it shouldn't be hard to find things. We also may be recruiting a new member, which rather excites me.

I will probably make a post on the LARP I'm doing this weekend on Friday or Monday to cover the weekends activities.


Today I spent most of the day holes up in the bedroom with Willow. The windows have been open for the past week. On top of living on a very busy street corner where semis frequent, It's a very windy day making my house make awful sounds. The suddenness of the sounds startle both Willow and I. We don't like being startled. We aren't that kind of people. So we shut all the windows and holed up in the quietest place in the house for a few hours of peace to calm down. We feel much better about having the widows open now. Though the adrenaline spike has caused my tremors to become bad.

I wrote a letter to Aunt Doris today. My Therapist has me working on short term goals like week at a time. This weeks was to examine my feelings at any given time(currently motivated, determined, and skittish), figure out what makes me lovable to myself (Which I believe is that I enjoy encouraging people to become better versions of themselves.), and write a letter. I wrote a letter to Aunt Doris, and an email to Granny (emails are quicker and I'm planning on going out to visit her in a few weeks.)

Joes birthday!

Today is Joe's birthday. I made him elk burgers and quiche for tomorrow's breakfast.

I pin wheeled bacon with the elk and it tastes pretty damn good! The quiche are Parmesan, sautéed onion, and bacon. Surprisingly, the whole endeavor only used a pound of bacon!

Today I woke to the cool spring air fluttering the curtains of my open windows. Despite my tremors being worse than they've been since Friday, and a complete feeling of exhaustion, I woke up with a feeling I could only describe as divine. I felt like a goddess on a mountaintop.

It was a good day.

Tomorrow I print off some paperwork and  clean a bit more. My brain is feeling fuzzy so I'm going to finish my burger and go to sleep.

Eggs

Balsa laid her eggs and I finally took them away from her. 23 eggs in total. Next year we'll see if any are viable.

Therapy was good, and I feel like I'm getting better. Still not good, but slowly better. I have some homework assignments. I'm supposed to ask myself what emotion I'm feeling at any given moment (grumpy currently). I'm also supposed to identify the traits that make me love able. I'm having a hard time with it. I don't want answers, as this is more of an "why I should love myself" thing. I'll be exploring this in the coming week I think.

I'm stressed because I have a lot of stuff to do, but not enough energy to do it all. Tomorrow I'm going to pay bills and watch game of thrones with Joe's family ( I'll be printing off paperwork there.) I need to get more pills too which will be a challenge. The pharmacy is too close to take the bus, but too far to walk. So I might need to get a ride this week.

I've got a lot to do. Hopefully I can get it done.

Restless

It's the night before my therapy session. I can't sleep. I'm not in touch with my emotions to tell if it's excitement or nervousness.

I talked to Joe about some feelings I've been having. God, I'm dating a wonderful man. He took every damn thing I said to heart. I love that I can be honest with him. It honestly helps me be honest with myself more.

Since I can't sleep, my brain likes to make me worry. Tonight's worry was that Balsa was egg bound and dieing since I hadn't seen her in 48 hours. So I took a risk and checked on her, and she finally laid her eggs! I'll check on Saturday to see if she's egg bound, and feed her. She was super active when I pulled her nesting box out, she gave me the "what's up. I'm a bit busy." Tongue flick and head cock then went back to protecting her eggs. So I feel better.

I've still got some emotions about tomorrow. The pills aren't helping me sleep. So I'll probably pintrest for a while and then move beds if I still can't sleep.

But at least balsa has her clutch. I feel so much better.

Quiet Dreaming

Balsa is laying her eggs, so in an effort to not stress her out, I've been pretty quiet all day. (It helps that I'm still exhausted from all my seizures)

So I don't think I've published my new long term goals, and I'd like to share them. With the quiet I'm thinking about them a lot. My brain still feels funny, so this will be another short one.

First, I want to become well. 

Second, I want to finish school. 

Third I want to get a job teaching.

Fourth I want to buy a couple acres of land and build a house on it with my boyfriend. 

Fifth, I want to marry said boyfriend and poop out a kid. 

Sixth I want to build both a homesteading and daycare business. 

Seventh, I want to adopt more kids. 

Eighth I want to get the tattoos, unique hair, and piercings that I've always wanted. 

Ninth: at some point I want to host a LARP out of my house. 

Tenth, I want to travel to see new places and help people. 

Eleventh, I want to help people locally. 

Twelfth, I want to publish. 

Thirteenth, I want to discover a comet or star. 

Fourteenth, I want to be a fantastic networking, party host, and business partner with my husband for his career. 

Fifteenth, and finally, I want to be happy and have fun in this life and have it last till I'm dead or I find a new dream to add to my list.

It's not my complete goal list, but rather a rough timeline of things I desire to happen. However the first stop in my journey is becoming well.

Limits...a rehash

Apparently I'm bad at limits, and it's hard to not push myself too hard. Yesterday I made 5 meals from scratch and proceeded to have a pretty bad seizure. I'm sick of not being able to do the things I love! I love cooking. It helps my family. It's fun and creative!

So today I feel like shit. So I decided to do a little self destructive behavior. Instead of skimping on my highly addictive anti seizure pills and took more than usual alieve (still less than what's recommended on the bottle), I'm using them more (still less than what my doctor prescribed). I also decided to have a small glass of wine and some cranberry goat cheese as I watch sailor moon.

So because I feel like shit, today is an emotional self care day, and to hell with my body. 

Honestly I'm kind of fed up with this disability. I'm angry and frustrated. I just want to be normal again. I want to be in school. I want to read. I want to craft. I want to work. I want to unpack all my boxes from when we moved months ago. I want to go grocery shopping by myself.

A day of vices won't kill me, though I might get a little drunk and my antidepressants won't work as well tonight, but I'm not overdoing it: only a half glass of wine, and I need to feel like I'm not disabled.

So here's to a night of treating myself and remembering what freedom felt like:

Who Am I?

The past week has been pretty wretched. I have a new symptom: Hallucinations. Not the fun kind. The walls move and the ground moves. Even text wobbles and melts together. It's made it hard to read and blog...much less do anything else.

Three things happened yesterday that made me feel better. 

The first is I flirted with my boyfriend. It feels like forever since I've had the mental capacity to do that.

Second I took my cat to the vet. Her shots are updated. She was very well behaved, and the lump on her stomach is just scar tissue from her spay. It's comforting because it all went according to plan...exept the cost. I was expecting it to be around $115 for everything, and it was only $75! So I'd call that a win.

Last I had my appointment with my therapist. It's my first appointment. It went very well. It was exhausting. But she said something very impactful. "It seems that from a very early age you've been taught to value what you do and not who you are." Which made me realize If you take away everything I have and have not done in my life, I don't know who I am. So that's something I'm going to work on... Defining myself.

Who Am I? Part II

In order to figure out who I am I'm going to list my character traits, both positive and negative. 

Positive:

Considerate

Helpful

Caring

Friendly

Compassionate

Driven

Creative

Adventurous

Maternal

Studious

Encouraging

Accepting

Kind 

Easy-going

Funny

Nerdy

Giving

Slow to hate

Negative:

Flaky

Improper

Clumsy

Loud

Prone to childishness and whimsy

Gullible

Self deprecating 

Crude

Lustful

Timid

Fearful

Stubborn

Unrealistic

Bossy

Talkative

Worrisome

Obnoxious

Easy to take advantage of

Impatient

Perfectionist

Slow to forgive

If you have anything to add, let me know in the comments. But this is who I am. It's not who I was, it's not who I will be. It's just who I am now.

On my journey of badass evolution, some of these will change. Some will become a bigger part of my life. But as of this second this is the person I am. Strip away all the things I've done, all the goals and dreams...this is me.

Know Your Limits

Today is another bad health day. I feel a seizure brewing, and I can't even play my video games without it getting bad.

This is day two of aweful CD feelings. I did way too much, cleaning 2 rooms, and hosting self improvement club all in one day.

I've never been good at knowing my limits. I can either ignore pain and plow through it or not do anything. There is no in between. 

I think this is something I need to learn to become a badass. It makes recovery time on all injuries, emotional and physical, easier to deal with. If you work it too hard, you reinjure yourself. If you don't work hard enough, your muscles atrophy.

My brain feels super funny. This is going to be a short post today. I think it's time for pills and sleep. I really need to learn my limits.

Self Improvement Club

Yesterday I did a lot of work! I cleaned two whole rooms and had the first meeting of the Self- Improvement Club! I'm really paying for it today, tremors  and the like. I hurt really badly too. I was very close to seizure yesterday too (instead I just had God-awful nightmares. The worst I've had in some time) But the smile on Joe's face, having my goals mostly outlined, and chilling with my friend Thom made it worth it. 

We sat on our computers, listened to a podcast on goalsetting (Making SMARTER Goals) and worked on our daily, monthly, and twenty year goals. I'm so proud!

This is Thom! I'm proud of him for joining the self improvement club!

I also worked on my diet plan starting soon. That was a lot of work. It's a cross between the okinawan diet and the standard USDA diet. I'm not the Palio type, my friends swear by it, but I just can't do it, though I can easily give up processed starches for whole grains and rice. I fucking love me some rice!

I'll be showing off my goals and graphs as soon as they are complete! <3 However today is a break day. I've felt bad all day...exept the being with my boyfriend part.

Adaptive Sleep Travel

 I get bad nightmares a lot. It may be a side effect of my medicine, or just the fact I live in a period of high anxiety and I've always had really vivid dreams.

A technique I've accidentally come up to deal with this I call sleep traveling. Joe and I have been blessed with a fairly large house. We love it to death. It came with a lot of really comfy fruniture.

The trick is, if I have a nightmare one place (normally my bed) I'll move to another sleeping platform. My favorites are the office couch and the guest room, but I have 3 other couches and recliners to use.

As it gets warmer out I'll have the garden swing, and one of 3 couches in the sunroom. 

Although the technique doesn't stop nightmares, it does halt the broody, emotional, wakeful period after I wake up. I can normally get back to sleep really quickly without continuing or having a new nightmare. Normally I'm exhausted after a nightmare, having only been sleeping a few hours. Taking a new sleeping arrangement is like starting over. It makes it easier.

Also, when we move, I may buy this couch...it's long enough I can stretch out and still have room. It's wide enough to accommodate body my knee pillow and side sleeping me. Most of all, though. It's the perfect soft to firm ratio that's so hard to find.

Comics Rant

I'm going to take this moment to show my nerd colors for a second.

So a while back a charming entertaining movie called Guardians of the Galaxy came out. From the moment I saw it I was reminded of the old X-men cartoon. There was a point where a roguish space pirate character with a golden heart and an absent son showed up during the Phoenix Saga. It had been 15 years or more since I'd seen the episode, but I was convinced it was Star Lord's father.

Yesterday, Joe told me he found out who Star Lord's father was. It was J-son of Spartex. Now I remembered that an empire under a civil war was involved in the X-men episode. And j-son was an emperor and there was a coup that dethroned him. Despite the parallels, however, I couldn't find anywhere J-son intersected with the X-men, cartoon or comic.

That's when I went through the synapses of every X-men cartoon. Finally I found my prey in X-men season 3 episode 7: StarJammers.

Yeah, that guy I was convinced was StarLord's father is Corsair...cyclops' dad. I was so angry at myself for not remembering that! I was a Marvel kid back in the day...now I find myself being drawn more to DC. I haven't picked up a Marvel comic since High School.

However the resemblance to both StarLord's and J-Son is uncanny (pun intended). Corsair even joined up with the Guardians of the Galaxy, though I have yet to read that comic. (Once I get good enough to read, I'm going to be picking up the age of ultron before the new movie comes out)

Signing

So the past few days have been rough. I've been really excited and happy. If I haven't said already, intense emotions, both good and bad, cause tremors and seizures. So on top of the exhaustion from the emotional draining experience of seeing a psychiatrist, I've been having seizures and tremors.

I was going to talk about goal setting today, but I'm going to take it easy. Goals get me super excited and I'm trying to stay mellow (Though I've been pretty good about the goal to blog daily Even though yesterday's post failed and I had to post it today instead. ^_^). Instead I'm going to talk about learning a new language, or one of the languages I've been trying to learn.

I've been using Youtube to learn sign language since I am for all intents and purposes mute. Although the Shrink says I'm understandable, There are times when I literally can't form words. I know what I want to say. I try and say it, and if I make sounds at all, it's complete gibberish. So I've been learning American Sign Language.

Rachel was the person I started with learning ASL: She's sweet and emotive. Her series on learning sign in 31 days is very helpful in not only cultural norms, but also very explicit on how to do the signs. I would watch her alphabet video every night before bed till I could do finger spellings without problems.
(https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCze42SSwKeotHUSIJS6MPcA/videos)

I also watch Bill Vicars Sign Language course. He is also informative and emotive, but most of all he's hilarious. He cracks jokes and it's actually funny without there being any sound. I particularly enjoy how easy it is to memorize because of the repetition he uses. What I do is I watch a cource and write down any words I have trouble remembering. Throughout the day I'll review them. The next time I watch the video I'll cross them off until There are none left.
(https://www.youtube.com/user/billvicars)

I'm not very good at sign, but I can express my needs to family and friends to a point they understand me. Plus, it's fun to know sign. We have a blind and deaf school nearby. Maybe I'll teach there instead of in public school. I love sign.