Leave the light on

For Christmas I got a amazon gift card to spend as I will. I did spend it on things I wanted too, and not things I needed, not things I wanted for around the house, but things I actually wanted.

So as most of my readers know, I'm in transition from worshiping the Christian god to something else. I can't define it, but it's highly influenced by Norse shamanism and animism. I see the earth personified as a deity to worship. Gods aside, nature is what I worship. I'm not too great about it yet, but that's it: Animism.

With that gift card I bought a book on Shinto, which is, in my opinion, the most unadulterated version of animism available outside of the small tribes that have not published their religion. Now, I'm not saying I'm Shinto all of a sudden, but I am curious how their beliefs reflect in my own.

I also bought my second tarot set. Now, I didn't get it for the tarot deck, per-se. That's just a bonus. I got it for the art. The artist Pui mun Law is a fantastic watercolor artist that I've followed for a long time.

Tell me that isn't beautiful. And I have a full deck of beauty just like that.

Now tarot is not my thing. It just doesn't speak to me in the same way runes do. Still, I'm going to try to use them in a way that honors the art.

Divination is not future telling to me. To me it is recognizing patterns in a problem, and reaching into subconscious patterns for the solution you already have. There is no magic in divination save for the magic of the subconscious.

I can't wait to do my first reading.

I also got a power cable for the living room computer because, with a lot of effort and work, I'm watching movies without my seizures!!! The sooner, the better as far as I'm concerned. My boy loves tv/movie pop culture. I love it too. It used to be a big part of our relationship. Now we can share it again, albeit in 1.5 hour increments, but still.

I'm glad for all my purchases. 

Seriously, I can't recommend this tarot deck enough. Buy this tarot deck

Weight loss rewards

Because I am trying to lose weight, I need a new tactic. You see I do not do well denying myself for long periods of time. I stopped after loosing 13 lbs and I've gained back three in that time. So I'm holding steady at 210 lbs at the moment. But I need something to keep me going. So I'm implementing a reward system for every 10 lbs I lose. The goal was to have healthy body positive rewards that weren't food based.

200lbs.............right ear cartlidge piercing
190lbs.............sexy leather boots
180lbs.............massage
170lbs.............a new lipstick or maybe some urban decay eyeshadow
160lbs.............Orion constellation tattoo on my left forearm
150lbs.............new piece of jewelry
140lbs.............new date night outfit
135lbs.............my family flower tattoo

I'd like to say I'll pick out or design the rewards, but half the fun for me is looking and working on it. So I'm going to wait till I hit the benchmark before I search. Every reward on the docket is going to be $50 ish dollars. That's a full day of work so it's also to encourage me to work more. The only thing that isn't $50 is the final tattoo. That one will probably be $100 or two.

So that's what I'm doing. Go me!

Birfday!

I am 31 years old. I think this is the first birthday that I thought of it as a bad thing that I'm getting older. Normally I imagine it as another step towards wisdom, but this year I'm having some very bad body image problems. I mean I always feel fat and ugly. And most of the time I realize that I'm just having normal issues. But today I realize that my youth is not something I'll ever get back. So on top of feeling fat and ugly, I feel old too. I'm never going to be as beautiful as I once was. I'm never going to be desireable again. I'm lucky I have someone who can look past my old ugly fatness to see the person within.

I suppose it's all downhill from here. Joint pain, alshiemers, my body giving out on me. I've already dealt with it. I don't want to deal with my body going on me again. I don't want to get old because I've already felt with the worst parts of it. It sucked.

I wish I could go back to when I was 21. I lacked maturity, sure, but I was healthy and pretty, and skinny. I wish I could be that 21 year old body for joe. I wish I didn't have to face the decline of my youth.

Wisdom is the only reason that ageing is any fun. I'm not wise. Im too busy being lost in a sea of low self worth. I have more regrets than wisdom. Even so, I wish I could live my life more. Get rid of the trash in my life. Live more while I could. Get better grades. Never get raped, never get married. Go into teaching from the get-go.

I'm dieing.

I'm slowly dieing and I've past my prime. I still have so much I want to do, and so much I want to be. There's not enough time to do everything I want. And it's impossible to look the way I want.

I think there's something wrong with my antidepressants. I had a fantastic weekend. There is no good reason to be this depressed. I got Betrayal at House on the Hill. Joe treated me like when we first started dating. My friends came out to my birthday party. I should be extatic. Instead I'm mourning my lost youth like it hadn't morphed into wisdom.

I have a doctors appointment soon. I'll talk to her about my anti depressants

Tomorrow I need to get my passport. My cruise is now in April. There are so many adventures I'm planning on taking. My life isn't over even though I'm a year older.

What comforts me

So there is another question in the que about self care, so I don't really understand what this question. I suppose that it could mean what can others do for me when I'm upset. Yeah I think well go with that.

What can others do for me when I'm upset?

The best strategy is hugs and distraction. For instance, if I'm upset about my drivers license not being approved, hug me, acknowledge that it's okay to hurt, then get me to work making a kit to teach the cats how to use the toilet. It involves research, thrift store shopping, and a little bit of crafting.

Where I feel safest

This is the stupidest question thus far. I always feel safe. Or I never feel safe? The point is I have the same measure of safeness constantly. Day to day I guess it fluctuates based on weather there are actual threats to my person or well-being, but all in all I have no "Safe Place."

That being said I have places I prefer being because of their aesthetic. My Special Spot near my parents house is one of them. I in no way feel safe there. I fear trees falling on me, rapists hiding behind rocks, and meeting a neighbor and being forced to chat.

I guess I don't have a spot like that in town. Not that that's a bad thing per-se. It's just different.

A Single Wish

My single wish is quite selfish, and I am unashamed about how selfish it is.

I simply wish I had never gotten sick.

Now I know I did a lot of growth while ill, and I found out who my real friends are, but at a cost too great. I literally lost 2 years of my life fighting this. I am not stronger for it. The brain damage is real. I am less of a person than I was before.

I am fiscally behind where I am supposed to be. I have so much more debt because of my medical bills and the fact I have literally been living off of $915 or less a month. I mean I'm grateful for disability, but it's not meant to build up a healthy savings or pay off a credit card. It's meant as survival money. If I hadn't have gotten sick I would be done with my degree and making 35k as opposed to 11k. That's more than double what I make now. Speaking of which...

My career is years behind. I could have my own classroom and the energy to maintain it. Instead I'm struggling to substitute teach. I want my own classroom with all its joys and pain. I want to deal with shitty administrative requirements. I want to see the light of understanding appear in my student's eyes. I want their hugs. I want their hard work. I want them on good days and bad days. I want my own classroom so badly I can taste it. Instead I'm stuck borrowing other people's classrooms. And I can't even do that every day because I either don't get calls, or I'm not feeling well.

My mental abilities aren't what they once were. I used to be able to socialize well. Now I'm confused as to what I should say most of the time. That never would have happened to me before. I can't read difficult books, books I would have used to find easy. I find it so hard to figure out how to adapt to situations that are adverse. I just can't think like I used to.

I can't do the things I used to either. I used to be big into movies. I loved them. Now I have to be careful lest I have a seizure. I'm exhausted all the time. I have ADD that cannot be treated with meds. I want to be able to clean my house spotless, go to the gym every day, work and go to school at the same time, and still have the energy to craft. I want all that back!

I've gained 50lbs. I am so fucking fat. Yes, I'm working on it and making progress, but that's half a person I gained while being sick. If I would have never gotten sick I would have been able to maintain my fitness level and continued eating healthy. I would not have 50 extra pounds to deal with.

My health is shit still. I may be better, but I'm not completely well. I still have days where all I do is twitch and dance in bed wanting to just be still. I'm kept from watching movies in case I have seizures. I'm also wary of plays and concerts, and the feeling like I'm going to even comes when passing people in the grocery store (like it did today). I'm completely exhausted all the Goddamn time. I want to do things like dishes and laundry, but I feel like all my energy is absolutely gone.

If I would have never gotten sick I would have been a normal, productive teacher. The worse sick I'd need to worry about is getting a cold. That would be my wish to have never gotten sick.

My Values

In no particular order, the values I strive to achieve are:

Growth
To always become better

Truth

If you speak, speak truth

Dicipline

Do what needs to be done

Humor

Laugh whenever possible

Courage

Stand against injustice whenever you see it

Hope

Believe in better things

Generosity

Give what you can

Gratitude

Never take anything for granted

Honor

Stay true to your word

Humility

Remember you are no better or worse than anyone else

Temperance

All things in moderation

Adaptability

Life is change, so change with it.

Forgiveness

People can change. Forgive them when they have proven they have.

Hospitality

Make all feel welcome

Sacrifice

Giving to the greater good isn't always comfortable

Service

Give time for the greater good.

Now I don't embody all of these. Some of them are just aspirational at the moment. But I believe the point of Values is something that makes you into a better person, not just who you are at the time. That's the path of stagnation. This is who I want to be. It's who I strive to become.

Goals progress report: January

So I didn't do so well at trying to achieve my goals this month.I have kinda been slacking.

• Rewrite Santuary
          I started a facebook group for my alpha testers and started rewriting the playbook.
  
• Get out Thank you cards by the 15th
          I have all but 1 thank you note sent out.
  
• Buy Fabric on the 3rd
          We will not be going to Katsucon this year so this is no longer a goal
  
• Update blog weekly
           Although I am not updating my blog weekly to update my goals, I am making posts almost everyday.
  
• No naps
          I am about 95% good on this. Though I have been resting a lot. I'd like to stop even resting and lounging.I'm exausted. Louging about being lazy is not going to help me become NOT exhausted.
  
• Drop 80lbs
          I've dropped 13 lbs this month. I could drop more, but I do not deal well with being hungry.
  
• Write 2000 words in my novel
          I'm angry with my novel. I can't stand to look at it. I really can't. I don't know what to do to get over this except leave it alone. I don't have to publish this year, do I?
  
• Maintain laundry, litter box, and dishes
          I'm about 50% on this one, and only because I've been slacking the past week or two. I need to get back on it. It should be easier when we have our new mattress and us not sleeping on the floor as we have been for the past week.
  
• Shower and brush teeth
          I'm not doing as well on brushing my teeth daily, but showering daily has been something I'm doing well with. This month I will try harder to brush my teeth nightly.
  
• Play with Rowan 20 minutes a day
          I am such a lazy bum. Rowan only gets about 15 minutes of play a day. His behaviour has only slightly improved. Maybe if I play with him more..?
  
• Language learning software
          I seemed to have stopped doing my language learning for January. February will be better.

What am I worried about

I'm worried about making ends meet. There is some disconnect between my budget and how much money I actually make in February. And by that I mean I don't know if I'm getting disability for February.

I mean ideally I'd have another 6 months of disability to get back on my feet physically. As it stands I'm not physically ready to work full time. I don't know if it's actually a condition or just a stamina issue, but I am secretly having trouble getting through the full days I work. Sure they are rewarding, but I feel like I'm about to fall asleep about 2 hours before the day ends.

Ideally I'd have health insurance for that 6 months so I could figure out what's wrong with me...again. Once that 6 months was over I'd be working full time and going to school. I'd be well on my way to being a teacher with my own classroom.

But I'm not.

My ideal time-frame may not happen. I may have no money to pay my February bills, and hardly any money for March. I'm worried about not having the insurance to fix me. I'm worried about not having the money for housing and food. I'm worried about not being able to pay the massive oil bill that we got stuck with.

Frankly I'm worried about real life. My health, money, and a little about my relationship (which I won't discuss here).

I'm also worried that they wont renew my license because that's how I get places. My life depends on me being able to drive. My continued success depends on me being able to drive. There's not much I can do about any of it, which is why it worries me.

Politics worry me too, but I've said enough about that.

So essentially I'm a grown up now. Bright side: I'm no longer worried about merely living another day. I am actually worried about things outside myself.