A Single Wish

My single wish is quite selfish, and I am unashamed about how selfish it is.

I simply wish I had never gotten sick.

Now I know I did a lot of growth while ill, and I found out who my real friends are, but at a cost too great. I literally lost 2 years of my life fighting this. I am not stronger for it. The brain damage is real. I am less of a person than I was before.

I am fiscally behind where I am supposed to be. I have so much more debt because of my medical bills and the fact I have literally been living off of $915 or less a month. I mean I'm grateful for disability, but it's not meant to build up a healthy savings or pay off a credit card. It's meant as survival money. If I hadn't have gotten sick I would be done with my degree and making 35k as opposed to 11k. That's more than double what I make now. Speaking of which...

My career is years behind. I could have my own classroom and the energy to maintain it. Instead I'm struggling to substitute teach. I want my own classroom with all its joys and pain. I want to deal with shitty administrative requirements. I want to see the light of understanding appear in my student's eyes. I want their hugs. I want their hard work. I want them on good days and bad days. I want my own classroom so badly I can taste it. Instead I'm stuck borrowing other people's classrooms. And I can't even do that every day because I either don't get calls, or I'm not feeling well.

My mental abilities aren't what they once were. I used to be able to socialize well. Now I'm confused as to what I should say most of the time. That never would have happened to me before. I can't read difficult books, books I would have used to find easy. I find it so hard to figure out how to adapt to situations that are adverse. I just can't think like I used to.

I can't do the things I used to either. I used to be big into movies. I loved them. Now I have to be careful lest I have a seizure. I'm exhausted all the time. I have ADD that cannot be treated with meds. I want to be able to clean my house spotless, go to the gym every day, work and go to school at the same time, and still have the energy to craft. I want all that back!

I've gained 50lbs. I am so fucking fat. Yes, I'm working on it and making progress, but that's half a person I gained while being sick. If I would have never gotten sick I would have been able to maintain my fitness level and continued eating healthy. I would not have 50 extra pounds to deal with.

My health is shit still. I may be better, but I'm not completely well. I still have days where all I do is twitch and dance in bed wanting to just be still. I'm kept from watching movies in case I have seizures. I'm also wary of plays and concerts, and the feeling like I'm going to even comes when passing people in the grocery store (like it did today). I'm completely exhausted all the Goddamn time. I want to do things like dishes and laundry, but I feel like all my energy is absolutely gone.

If I would have never gotten sick I would have been a normal, productive teacher. The worse sick I'd need to worry about is getting a cold. That would be my wish to have never gotten sick.