We are our deeds

I'm going vegetarian for the month of June. Well, not fully vegetarian. I'm only planning on eating locally raised meat, and more vegetarian foods. It's something I've been thinking about for months now. Factory farms have always bothered me. They treat their animals like shit, and they are polluting the environment. I don't like that. I realize my actions don't change much, but at least I'm doing something. I might do more as time moves on, but for now that's all I'm going to do. Baby steps right?

I'm not going to start preaching about the evils of meat. We are omnivores biologically. I'm just tired of supporting factory farms. That's my choice.

I'm learning Spanish. I'm using Duolingo every day. It's been a whirlwind doing it everyday for the past 20 days. I'd like to learn other languages, but Spanish makes the most sense for me. The schools in the area have mostly Spanish speakers. I want to know what kids are saying. I don't like not knowing what kids are saying. It eeks me out.

Starting on June 7th I'm going to start running. For the month of June I'll be walking for 30 minutes each day, and in July I'll be using the couch to 5k app Monday Wednesday and Friday to get up to running a 5k. At the end of the program I'll run a 5k. After that I'll just run every other day. I will not allow my tiredness to keep me from health.

Starting when I get my first paycheck after the summer ends I'm going to start up martial arts again. I got pretty far a while ago, back when I was a kid. But to be a badass I need to get back to it. Two days a week and alternate it with my running days. I'd like to get hoop dancing on the list of things I do, but I need to take baby steps.

Volunteering is something I want to start doing again, but I don't know what I want to volunteer doing. I could go back to the literacy center and volunteer on weekends. And I'm seriously toying with that idea. But there could be something better.something I feel more strongly about. Anyway, I'm thinking of starting that up over the summer.

I want to do music. I need more of it in my life. That means learning or relearning an instrument. Piano, Guitar, cello, or stav are all options. Guitar would be handy when I had a classroom. So would piano, and I do have access to a piano while I don't have access to a guitar. I have a cello, but a cello doesn't help my classroom. I want to learn how to play the stave, a thumping stick essentially, but that's for religous reasons. I need to pick one and stick with it, although I can't decide. Ideas?

I've been really good about blogging daily. I have not been good about working on my novel. Starting  June 7th when school gets out I'm going to write 100 words a day minimum. It shouldn't take me more than an hour. I'm thinking of getting joe to fix my netbook and taking that outside to write. I have a hard time focusing in the house.

I've been getting better about chores thanks to habitica. I'm going to try to get better, too. Starting when school gets out I'm going to do one project a day aside from my normal chores.. things like widows, the bathtub, sweeping, and dusting. I also need to clean out the basement.

I need to craft. This is a need. I need to come up with projects to work on. I want to craft for at least an hour each day during the summer. It gives me an excuse to chill with my boyfriend, and I love crafting. So this week I'll make a list of crafting projects I want to do. I want to make a box for a game, and maybe build a new stand for Balsa. Other than that I have no idea. Do you have any ideas?

I'm going to camp on the beach this summer or fall. I'm also going to go somewhere and leave nice notes on cars. I'll try to complete at least 1 other bucket list item this year.

Starting today im going to read one chapter of my religious books a day. I want to study my religous stuff more...because I'm still sussing out how I feel abauot god/s. I know what I don't believe. The problem is figuring out what I DO believe. I should write in my religous blog more, but I don't want to push myself too hard.

After I'm done with school I'm going to get myself a rifle, a ruger 10/22. This is kinda for badass points, but mostly it's because shooting is fun! I enjoy shooting. There's something so satisfying about lining up, breathing deeply, then hitting your target. The ruger was my favorite when I went shooting. In the meantime I'm going to go shooting with Paul whenever I can. He has like 20 some odd guns and loves to talk about them and let me fire them.

Memorial Day adventure!

My friend took me out to the firing range today. It was most fun. It made me feel like a badass! It started out pretty good and got much better. You see in the beginning I was super nervous to handle firearms. But I got more confident as time went on. I also got better as time went on too. There was a guy named Ed who let me fire his ruger 10-22. I am in love with that gun! It has no kick, and with a scope I hit almost every shot fired at both 100yards and 10 yards, and that includes moving targets.

I also fired an ak-47 which was fantastic. I was pretty pretty accurate with that too. I fired an ar-15, a Markov, a Swedish mouser, and a Schmitt Rubin. The Schmitt Rubin kicked like a horse.
 Here are some pictures:

I wanna be

I want to be an activist. I want to find a cause that I can rally behind and devote my life to. The problem is I can't find just one. I want to help all of the causes. And without focus, my attention everywhere, my time and energy goes nowhere.

I want to be a humanitarian. I want to help people. There are people less fortunate than I am. I want to raise them up. People are capable of so much more than they allow themselves to believe.

I want to be a philanthropist. I want to reward people for hard work and ingenuity. And there are a lot of people who deserve to be helped along with that.

I want to be multi lingual. I want to see the world through another culture's eyes. The best way to do that is talk to them. To listen to them. To understand what their life is like.

I want to be a historian. I want to see cultures grow strong, be weak, and I want to learn how my own culture can be strong or weak as well.

All it takes is time and money...

My garden 2017

I cut down on my garden this year. I had to. I just didn't take care of my garden last year. So this year I have only one bed of flowers and two potters of the lilies I've had since 2008. So I have no herbs and no vegetables. I only have flowers.

Today I went to a nursery to get more flowers. My seedlings are just so tiny. So I dug up all the ones that had died and replaced them. The only ones I know I got are black petunias, red salvia, and some beautiful blue lobelia. You see, I'm not particular about the flowers I have. I just want flowers. I want to know that I can take care of them before I make another vegetable garden or even herbs.

While I was gardening and planting my new flowers I discovered the morning glories that I thought had died out are more resilient than I thought. They are coming back in. I wonder what colors they will be.

Growth Mindset

I was just listening to one of my favorite podcasts "Do the Work" on Permaculture Voices and it was going through the challenges of doing his personal podcast everyday. In summary he was saying that his beginning episodes sucked, but the more he did it, the more he felt pulled to it. The more he felt pulled to it the better he got. This was right after another podcast on growth mindset.

Well this got me thinking. Although I haven't been publishing everyday for two weeks, I have been writing every day. That's every single day I write at least 3 paragraphs. I'm starting to feel a distinct pull to my blog. And although I am not the most compelling writer, I feel like this is really opening the door for me to become a better writer.

I'd like to thank the readers I have for being with me on this journey. You all who read my blog really do help me want to do this everyday.

20 Facts About Me

Here are 20 facts about me:

I have a battle axe shaped birthmark on my lower back

I often sleep on average 12 hours a day

I play pretend with myself when I'm alone, often I'm strong and powerful and sassy.

I am a very messy person even though I try not to be

I change my hair color and style often

I have Tourettes, Conversion Disorder, PTSD, and depression

I love camping!

I want to be a teacher

My favorite things are kitty cuddles and my Wonder Woman mug

I wish I could speak more than one language and play guitar and piano

I sleep with a body pillow, and have a hard time sleeping without it.

I have no tattoos, and only my earlobes are pierced

I often imagine eating other peoples food even if I'm not hungry

I am afraid of driving

I believe in magic.

I imitate my friends

I want health more than wealth and power

I crave adventure

My favorite food group is dairy

I am a badass

I Know I'm Stressed When

I haven't been stressed in a good long while. Depressed, yes. Apathetic, yes. But not stressed. It's a blessing in a way, but it means I'm not pushing myself. I think that not being stressed is a mark of failure. It's been at least a year since I've been stressed. And it's no way to live.

And it's not that I'm doing things and I'm just managing my stress well. I just am not stressed because I'm not doing anything.

However, when I am stressed I am neurotic. I have jumpy thoughts, and high heart rate. I get an upset stomach and I feel the tension in my arms and back. I don't know how to describe the thoughts other than jumpy, and disjointed. I think about everything at once. And everything that needs doing.

Looking up and forward

Well, I had my initial sleep study appointment. The running theory is I have sleep apnea. This makes sense. I'm always tired. I wake up a lot at night. I have I mentioned how tired I always am? The sleep study will be expensive, upwards of $3000, and the c-pap machine will be pricy too, but it should be worth it to be fully a person again.

I'm excited about the possibility of returning to school. Of getting my own classroom. I'm excited about being able to do chores without needing frequent breaks. I'm excited to begin crafting and exercising without the possibility of falling asleep.

I've fallen asleep at the gym twice. Once I was on the squat machine and another time I was on the treadmill. I'm so paranoid about exercise now I just don't do it. But soon I'll be able to again!

I'm also thrilled about this new app I'm using called habitica. It makes your to do list into an rpg. I've done my to do list almost to completion every day. The cats aren't pooping outside of the litterbox anymore. Dishes are getting done. Plus I'm on a two week streak on duolingo. It makes me feel like less of a useless lump. Plus I've brushed my teeth everyday for 2 weeks. That's a huge boost to my ego.

When I have more energy I'm going to add stuff to my to do list like exercise and brushing my teeth 2x a day and staying under my calorie limit. I may even put flossing in there. I'll be able to do anything!

And when school starts up I'll use it to complete my homework. Oh, I miss homework. It seems weird, but I really miss sitting down and thinking and writing. I miss the projects. And when I have my own classroom my projects and homework will be to the benefit of my students.

Things are really looking up for me, and I'm super glad.

When I'm Feeling Down I Like To...

Ugh, I'm almost done with this thing. I'm grateful for that. It's starting to get repetitive. For instance this question. This is the exact same question as the self care question.

What do I do when I'm feeling down? I normally curl in bed and play on my phone. It's the same thing I do when I'm feeling good. If I'm feeling really down I dye my hair or paint my nails. I'll do hair or face masks. I'll do a sugar scrub and shave my legs. But that doesn't happen much right now. I ride a pretty standard neutral thanks to my antidepressants.

I used to craft when I was upset. Maybe read my runes. But these days I'm just too tired. Though things are looking up. The doctor thinks I have sleep apnea. I have a sleep study in august to find out for sure. Then I'll be able to do whatever I want without sleeping getting in the way.

100 Things I am Grateful For

1. My health
2. The fact I can pay most of my bills on my own.
3. Friends and family
4. Comfy and warm bed
5. I don't go hungry
6. I have a roof over my head
7. My nice and incredible boyfriend, joe 
8. My kitties and little noodle (snake)
9. I can go camping
10. I got really delicious popcorn tonight
11. I have health insurance. 
12. My man sleeps beside me and puts up with my snoring 
13. I'm brushing my teeth daily now
14. I have a smartphone 
15. My boyfriend wants to support my goals
16. I can write a blog
17. The weather is warm
18. When the weather is extreme I can heat or cool my house
19. My clothes fit
20. I have hilighters for my religous books
21. I have the money for religous books
22. My cat cuddles me whenever I sit/lay down 
23. I have art on my walls
24. I can practice my religion without prosecution
25. I have access to clean water
26. I have access to a workshop to produce nice things
27. I have electricity 
28. I have fantastic memories 
29. Coffee
30. The internet
31. My job
32. Podcasts
33. A healthy family and friends
34. Warm showers
35. Soap
36. Healthcare
37. Our box fan
38. Time
39. Having a drama free life
40. The people who taught me to be who I am 
41. My rubber duckie collection
42. My hair is long enough to ponytail
43. I have the freedom to dye my hair unique colors
44. I can go on fun trips
45. Netflix
46. Video games
47. Good people of the world
48. Music 
49. Spotify and YouTube to give me music on demand
50. Nature is beautiful 
51. My imagination
52. My life experience 
53. The community mental health board for giving me low cost psychologists 
54. Tika masala and pad Thai for food this week
55. I have a car and money for gas
56. Books
57. Batchelor buttons
58. Bees
59. Streets
60. Police
61. Firefighters
62. The members of the military
63. My soft comfy robe
64. Plumbs
65. Bras
66. Laughter
67. Books
68. Language
69. Spices
70. Dishes
71. Fire
72. Beer and liquor
73. Colors
74. My eyesight
75. My hearing
76. Cute kitty sounds
77. The smell of baking anything
78. The feeling of doing magic
79. Well behaved children
80. The ability to craft
81. Hats
82. Runes and tarot
83. Body pillows
84. The sound of my boyfriend softly snoring
85. Kitty kisses
86. Noodle snoot boops
87. Crazy dreams
88. Candles
89. Dresses
90. Trees
91. Medicine
92. My stuffed gorilla, Marco
93. Astronomy 
94. Knowledge 
95. Art
96. Orgasms
97. Writing
98. My patience
99. Computers
100. My ancestors

What My Dreams Tell Me

 I have strange dreams. I guess all people have strange dreams, but my dreams are unusual because they are stories. I have character development, setting, plot, climax, and resolution. They are stories.

I guess that means that I place value in stories, which I really do. It also says that I have a keen desire to know people, their motives, and their innermost desires. I want to see them grow to become better people. I want a strange and unusual adventue too. That is evedant by the intricate and exciting plots I dream of.

Or does the question mean my goals? I have many goals. Not the least of which is my goal to become a teacher. What does this dream tell me about myself? It tells me the traits I respond to and admire.  I want to be patient, kind, firm, and respectful. It says that I love learning new things. Most of all it tells me that I want to inspire people to be better, both in school and as people. It tells me that I am altruistic.

Podcasts

I listen to over 100 podcasts. Podcasts are, to me, easier than blogs. I listen to them on double speed and I get so much information in such a short amount of time. The voice inflection is like music to me. It's music and information at the same time. I'm going to share some of the podcasts I listen to:

Stories

Hello From the Magic Tavern - A humorous and random story about a guy who fell through a portal into the land of Phoon and now makes podcasts with his friends.

Within the Wires - A "Meditation" audio recording that follows an unnamed protagonist in a mental institution ward of sorts.

Alice isn't Dead - A trucker looking for her lost wife and running into monsters and secret organizations while philosophizing.

Kakos Industries - The CEO of an evil corporation shares the goings on of the company with its shareholders.

Welcome to Nightvale -  A community podcast of a Lovecraftian like town and all the weird stuff that happens there. This is my favorite. The characters are off but likable and feel real, despite their oddities. The world is fun and I'm always looking forward to the next story.

The Thrilling Adventure Hour - A serial podcast set in the tone of old time radio. There are a couple different segments. My favorite is Beyond Belief. It is about two alcoholic debutantes solving supernatural mysteries with a martini in hand.

Stories: A History of Appalachia - A series of historical stories about and set in Appalachia.

Legends, Myth, and Whiskey Podcast - Two guys share myths from around the world and rate a whiskey.

Stuff You Missed in History Class - An in depth look at History's most interesting stories

Myths and Legends - Myths and Legends from around the world

Self improvement 

The Art of Charm - A podcast that interviews people and distills information to help you be a better you in a logical and relatable way.

The Art of Manliness - A podcast that interviews people who are Badasses. It seeks to humanize an complex topic of what it is to be the best.

Permaculture Voices - I skip most of them in favor of the section called "Do the Work" This is a well edited journal of someone who tries and sometimes fails to do the work. It is a real look into the world of self improvement. It's very well edited, and Diego (The Host) has a wonderfully soothing voice.

The Clark Howard Show - A finances podcast. I prefer The Clark Howard Show over The Dave Ramsey Show. Clark Howard is nicer, and the message is roughly the same.

The School of Greatness - A show that interviews amazing people. You can apply their success in your life. The message is always inspiring.

Socio-political/news

Inside Appalachia - A news podcast about West Virginia's Appalachia.

Stuff Mom Never Told You - A feminist look at issues facing the modern woman.

With Good Reason - The sociopolitics of many different subjects

Virginia Public Radio - News clips about Virginia

Popaganda - A feminist podcast about pop culture.

Penn's Sunday School - You know what, Penn's Sunday School is mostly the musings of Penn Gellett, half of the Penn and Teller magic duo. He's a libertarian so all of his musings have a libertarian bent.

Science

Brain Stuff - This one goes through the science of everything in short 5 minute or so sound bites.

Stuff you Should Know - A long format look at the science behind normal everyday things that you really hadn't thought about.

Science Friday - A Science News Radio show that updates you on the current events in science.

Radio Lab - The history, politics, and science behind some fascinating topics

The Stuff of Life - This podcast goes over their subjects with a science and socio-political implications bent

Star Talk - Neil De Grass Tyson interviews pop culture icons. He answers astrophysics questions. It's fun and funny.

Freakanomics - The hosts economically dissects political and sociological issues relevant to today.

Religion

Heathentalk- An Asatru podcast about the philosophy of my religon

Witch School - A Pagan podcast that is mostly Wiccan, but has other Pagan influances. Mostly it's a verity show. I like learning about how others view paganism and I will occasionally pick things up for my own beliefs such as the importance of community service.

Why Shamanism Now - A Shamanistic podcast about the beliefs and issues surrounding Shamanism.

Druidcast - A Druidism podcast about the beliefs, issues, and stories surrounding Druidism. It's hosted by a musician so there's lots of music.

HiPPiE WiTCH - "Where Magick with a K meets the Law of Attraction" Its a generally pagan Woo-Woo podcast. I enjoy it because it's upbeat and applies magic to every day stuff.

On Being - Kristin Tippit interviews religious people of note from around the globe. She does so in a non-judgemental and understanding way. She distills their religious views in an accessible way.

Education

Every Classroom Matters - A podcast featuring different tools and tricks for assessment and classroom management.

Early Childhood Research Podcast - Much like Every Classroom Matters it features different tools and tricks for assessment and classroom management.

Zen Parenting Radio - A show that deals with how to deal with children from a zen point of view. It's always from a parent's perspective, but the philosophies can be distilled to the education system.

We Turned Out Okay - A show that deals with how to deal with children from a classic point of view. This goes through parenting perspectives as well as educational perspectives.

My Happiest Memory

As a change of pace I'm going to talk about my happiest memory. I have a lot of happy memories. It's been a good life so far. But my best memories are playing Earth Quest.

When I was a kid, 6th grade on, my friends and I used to have this game that centered around this entire world we created. There was an obsessive government, a rebellion, evil and good magic users, interdimentional travel, and a single ship called The Angel.

I was one of a pair of twins, cranky mechanics with a penchant for smoking and drinking. They were rough around the edges, but had hearts of gold. There was also a teenage hacker, a magestic magic user, a ninja, and so many other characters.

So one day this group of friends goes to a place called City of Rocks. It's this amazing place where boulders the size of houses reach up from the ground. We spent a whole day there getting chased by government forces, planting bombs, hiding in the terrain, and generally running until our legs wouldn't carry us. It was a simpler time with simpler pleasures, and although the memory is hazy from the years between then and now, the feeling of wild excitement and reckless abandon has not Waimea's.

What I am Passionate About

My passions have fallen by the wayside recently. I'm just too exhausted to be passionate about anything. I mean, I used to LARP, make things, write, read, go do things with my friends. Now I'm just too drained to do anything.

I used to have a lot of passions, and I'm certain that I'll gain my passions back. I'm the meantime there are small things that I enjoy. I enjoy my job. I enjoy making paper cranes and watching tv. I enjoy planning weddings. Soon though, I'll gain my passion back. I just need to get my energy up.

Improve thyself

I downloaded a new app on my phone called habitica. It's a game style to do list. It has a section for good/bad habits. Good habits give exp and money. Bad habits take away health when you do them. For good habits I have "go to work" and "don't spend any money" for bad habits I have "smoking" and "eating out". So every time I smoke or eat out I click a button and it takes away health, and every time I go to work and don't spend money it gives me exp and money.

It also has a daily to do section that's really working for me. Every time I do something on my daily to do list it gives me exp and money. At the end of the day it takes away health for the things I haven't done.

My daily to dos:
Dishes
Laundry
Clean litterbox
Brush teeth
Weed garden
Craft
Walk 30 minutes
1300 calories or under
Meditate (using another app called headspace)
Write
Exercise (strength)
Duolingo

I'm on a 4 day streak with most of the things on my to do list. It's really encouraging me.

There's also a section for one time items like "take stuff to goodwill" and "clean out the basement" they aren't on a time crunch, but you get exp and money for doing them.

You can also set the difficulty of the activity to give more exp/money or less. Right now everything is set to easy. None of my to do list is particularly hard...at least the daily to do. I'll go back and edit my free time to do list to account for difficulty later.

I've decided joe and I are going to Seattle. I originally had it slated for 2020, but joe says a year and a half is plenty of time to save. So come September/October 2018 we're going to Seattle. I'll see if we can steal my parents time share for a long weekend and we'll rent a car (it's cheaper than Uber's everywhere) I want to visit my friend Barry, visit Mt Rainer, and drink coffee somewhere. It'll be fun.

Hopefully planning the trip will get me off this wedding planning kick I've been on.

So despite low energy I'm still trying to improve.

And I'm off to bed so I can hopefully work tomorrow.

Am I an Introvert or Extrovert

I am an introvert. I need my alone time to recharge. That isn't to say I don't love a large group of friends out and about with me. I just need that alone time to recharge.

So I guess I'm not cripplingly introverted, I guess.

I don't like crowds of strangers. I'm not cripplingly adverse to them. I don't suffer social anxiety. I just prefer to know the people around me, and I'm normally quiet until I do. I don't enjoy introducing myself. Honestly I wish that you could skip the normal small talk: "How do you know X?" "What do you do for a living" etc. I'd rather get to the fun stuff like: "do you want to go on an adventure?" Or "what's something you want to do before you die?"

I love people, but there are certain people who don't drain me. Joe, small children...actually most people I think of as super cool and I struggle to be just as cool. That struggle is draining. I mean, I'm always myself, but I feel the need to be on my a-game. I know people don't expect it of me, but the self expectation is real.

I like being alone. I've really gotten used to it recently. I used to go out with my friends whenever I wished. Now I feel trapped by...I don't even know. My energy levels maybe. There have been a couple weekends where I wanted nothing more than to invite my friends over for a party. I just didn't have the energy to clean, call, hang out, and clean afterwards.

My favorite introverted things to do are netflix while I make paper cranes and reading. I also prefer to clean alone, not that I do it, but I do prefer it. Walking alone is nice too.

I'm defiantly an introvert. I just like to look at myself as a social introvert.

What is My Self Care

I am really big on self care, but I haven't been into it lately. Not that I need it. I haven't been stressed or really even depressed. But when I am in need of self care I love a big glass of chocolate milk, a good book, and a hot bath. Sometimes I'll throw in a moisturizing mask. Since my bathtub really sucks for soaking, I also do coconut oil hair masks.

If I'm really depressed I paint my nails or dye my hair. It makes me feel in control.

I get pedicures a lot too. I enjoy them all right . I wouldn't call it self care though. I get them mostly to hang out with my friend Katie.

Camping is self care for me. Being in nature and drinking with friends centers me. It makes me feel like a part of the world as well as my social circle.

I'm just not feeling like I need self care recently. I'm not bad off. I'm not great, but I'm not bad. For the past month I've been feeling pretty neutral. Just blah.

Welcome to My Inner Critic

I am not a good mother. My cats constantly have an unclean litterbox. I forget to feed them sometimes (luckily joe backs me up) and my snake has been without heat for a few days because I am too lazy to go out and buy the lightbulbs I need.

I am not a good roommate. I'm loud during quit times, banging around getting ready for work. I snore loudly enough to rattle floors. I don't clean up after myself or my cats. Dishes stay in the sink for a week before I do them. I haven't swept since moving in. I'm shit at chores.

I lack the self discipline to lose weight. I hate being hungry. I don't brush my teeth so my breath stinks. Well, I sometimes brush my teeth, but not enough. I lack discipline to go to work everyday, and I make excuses for it.

I'm lazy, no really lazy. Just today I had a full day off. Everything feels great except my energy levels, and all I did was a load of laundry and put away dishes. I could have gone to work, but I slept in instead. My day was centered around my cats cuddling, watching "The Flash" and folding paper cranes.

I spend too much time planning a wedding that will probably never happen. I've planned 12 ish weddings complete with budget. It consumes me.

I am horrible with my money. I should be scrimping to pay off my credit cards, but instead I just spent 30 bucks on hair dye because I want funky hair this summer.

I'm fat and ugly. A zitted freak with a double chin.

I'm uninteresting. Even my cruise, which any normal person would have had amazing stories from, I just draw a blank, like it didn't even matter. I mean I had the time of my life, but I'm unable to say exactly why. My conversations are purely me asking questions about others. I can't hold a conversation about myself to save my life.

I lay around too much. I should do stuff, but I just feel drained all the time. I'm uninterested in all of my usual loves, reading, gardening, even my religious practice has fallen by the wayside. I might as well be dead.

Likes and Dislikes About My Job

As a substitute:

Likes:

• It keeps me on my toes
• Kids say the most amazing things
• Kids are awesome
• I love a schedule
• Students have the biggest hearts
• I can help them be better
• I see so many different students
• Have I mentioned kids are awesome

Dislikes:

• It's low pay
• No benefits
• It's not my own classroom 

Night Owl or Early Bird

In the past, I've been a night owl. I was most alive when the stars came out. It was like electricity surged through my arms and legs giving me energy to do everything I wanted. Creativity was also at its peak at night. I could write anything and everything. Words flowed easily.

Now I'm neither night owl or morning bird. I'm too tired all the time. I imagine that if I wasn't so tired all the time I'd be a night owl again, but I'm not. There's no energy to be awake at night.

The good news is I'm going to be doing a sleep study soon and they will tell me why I'm so tired all the time. Maybe one day I can be a night owl again.

Lazy

So I'm bundled up in bed in my dinosaur kigarumi. I should be doing dishes or laundry. I should be writing my novel. I should go for a walk or garden. Instead I'm just lying here like I do every day after work, tired and uninspired.

I'd hate myself, but honestly even that requires too much energy. I should meditate or something while I lay here, but I just can't find it in me.

I miss the old me. The me before FND ruined my life. I was on my way to greatness.

So I'm folding 1000 paper cranes. Legend has it that if you fold 1000 of them you either get health and longevity or a wish. If I get health I can make my own wish happen. If I get a wish I'll skip the middle man and wish for "a lifetime of adventures with the one I love." Hopefully it's not a genie type wish in which I have to get super specific. I just want to love someone, have them love me and us go on adventures together.

I think I found him, but I'm not sure. I'm committed to him, and I know we'd go on adventures...but I'm not sure if he wants a lifetime with me.

I'm working on a workout refining for the summer. My job, as it will, will be to get back in shape, and maybe complete my novel. Here's my schedule for weekdays:

9:00 am - wake up, breakfast, and brush teeth
10:00am - stretch then walk for 30 minutes slowly building up to running
11:00am - squats, sit ups, and push ups. Alternated with jump rope/ hula hoop
12:00pm - shower, lunch, then nap
1:00pm - clean, 3 items a day (some days writing comes first)
2:00pm - write
5:00pm - shop/ make dinner
7:00pm - eat dinner
8:00pm - free block
11:00pm - bedtime

I talked with joe to refine this schedule so I can build habits not just do a schedule.

I read some blogs and they are works of art. They are beautifully written pseudo poems. Mine has a clumsy, matter-of-fact feel to it. Sometimes I wonder if it's an enjoyable style to read. Especially posts like this that lack a cohesive theme.

This is my third post today. I wanted to write one more, but I spent my time setting up a Habitica account. It's a gamified to do list where you earn gold and experience from habits, daily to dos and a generalized to do list. I'm interested to see how it works on me. I need to be healthier and cleaner.

Daily chores:
Weeding garden
Crafting
Walk 30 minutes
Clean litterbox
1300 calories
Meditate
Write
Exercise (10 min jump rope or squats, calf raises, sit-ups, and pushups.)
Duolingo
Laundry
Dishes

My Biggest Failure

I shouldn't bore you with the details...again...but my biggest failure was my marriage.

You know I was just reading a note I wrote on Facebook about me proposing to Mark. It was so happy. I was happy. I mean it wasn't all bad. He is a good man. I can't underscore that enough. I was charmed by him. I liked his giving spirit and even his opinionatedness. I have a hard time remembering why I loved him sometimes, but the truth of the matter is I did, and in a way still do.

I hope he's well. There is nothing that would please me more (save my own happiness) than seeing him in love again with a woman stronger than I was. I want him in a good career, eating healthy and truly happy. I want him to open up to someone. I want them to be everything for each other. I want them to have what I couldn't have with Mark. I want him to be the man I know he can be. I want his anger to disappear and only happiness to replace it.

I want my anger at him to disappear. I want my guilt over it to disappear.

I am so angry with him that he wouldn't let me be his best friend. I wanted that so badly. I wanted a lifetime of adventures with him. I wanted to share my life with him, I wanted him to be my everything. But he put up walls that I couldn't scale. He locked his doors and didn't let me in. I'm so angry about that. I'm angry that he didn't want me. I may have been the one who asked for the divorce, but our marriage was over long before I asked for it.

I hate myself for hurting him. That is my greatest failure.

Thought exercise

1) I'm going to pretend I have $1000 to spend on myself and not on debt or charity. I usually put 1/3 each into debt and charity, but I'm going to be selfish. I'm going on an amazon shopping spree.
Kindle paper white $99
Philips Norelco Electric Shaver $190
Cat sweater $12
Multi USB port charger $20
Gaia lawn ornament $50
Philips Sonicare Electric toothbrush $175
Viking runes metal stamps $194
Laundry sorter $26
Cat litter trap mat $35
Camping chair with cooler and table $75
Fitbit $120
Total $996

2) If i could have any super power it would be the ability to make clones of myself with a collective conscience. I mean think about it. Think about all the things I could get done if I was more than one person. I could go to work, do dishes, exercise , watch tv, and write my novel all at the same time. I could go camping with my friends, LARP, and visit my parent at the same time. There would be no choosing what I should do. I could do everything. Hell, I could work and go to school, or even work more than one job without having to worry about scheduling. I've wanted this super power since college.

Alternatively, I wouldn't mind having the ability to control my body's internal chemistry. I could take care of my depression, FND, and Tourette's with ease just by adjusting my brain chemistry. I could also up my metabolism and make it easier to exercise and lose weight. I could numb pain with endorphins, I could have recreational trips with safe DMT. I could regulate my periods and never have to pay for birth control again. It's not a super hero power. I couldn't save the world with it, but I could save myself.

3) A super power I already have is the ability to teach a class of kids at various learning levels and behaviors. This is a good superpower as I am a sub teacher and I want to have my own classroom. Dealing with kids in general is pretty taxing and challenging. Not everyone can do it with patience and passion, but I can. It's actually pretty cool. I feel like I leave myself at the door and become a new person who's only drive is to teach. It's automatic. I don't swear, I don't make crude jokes, and I certainly don't have any desire to play on my phone. I'm introverted and quiet. It's like as soon as I enter the school I become this incredible teaching machine. Oh yeah, I'm not perfect. I make mistakes, but it's always in context of teaching. There is no bleed over from my personal life into my work. I support and facilitate learning. And I think that's really cool.

4) my favorite season has always been autumn. I love the smells of pumpkins, candles, and falling leaves. I love the flame like colors of the leaves. I love outdoor fires, hearing the crackle of wood as the warmth of the fire cuts the chill from the air. I love sweatshirts and sharing blankets. I adore Halloween: the dressing up, the community, and the candy. I love the fruits and vegetables that come in season during fall. Most of all I love the stars.

During fall the air is cool enough to offer a clean and clear view of the stars. The air is cooler and dryer providing an unobstructed view. Yes the air is just as cool and dry during winter, but unlike winter you aren't fighting off bitter cold that friezes your eyeballs in their sockets. Plus the hours of night are starting to get longer. There's more and more night to see the stars.

Autumn is def my favorite time of tear.

5) one of my favorite songs of all times is "Weapon" by Mathew Good Band. The slow build up combined with lyrics that beg an imaginative introspection into the people that bring out the violence in you. It's mellow tones seem to counterpoint the strong message of potential violence. Also, Mathew Goods voice is unique like a Japanese lute compared to the average singers guitar.

6) Mostly I look up to my friends. Most people look up to politicians or celebrities. I prefer to look up to my friends. They aren't perfect, and they aren't trying to be. They are simply trying to be the best versions of themselves. Each friend has something I look up to. They are kind and thoughtful. They are wild, free and irrationally intelligent. They are poets, crafters, and builders of hearth and home. They drink and party, but do the work that needs to be done. They are funny too. In the laugh until your sides ache sense of the word. I strive to be all those things. I love my friends

7) I used to be most afraid of ticks. To be quite frank I still am. The way they burrow their whole head inside you to gorge on your essential life essence caring disease that debilitates you... simply put its revolting and its horrible. I'm terrified of them.

But that's not my biggest fear. Bigger than ticks is the fear that I'll never be the person I want to be. I want to be a good person who constantly tries to better herself. I want to be a good house-wife, teacher, crafter, and friend. Lately though I just lack inspiration and energy to be those things. Even powered over with coffee its all I can do to get a few chores done. I can't keep up with my students. I'm just so drained all the goddamn time. After a good night sleep I still need naps. I don't draw or write. I feel aweful about myself. I don't know if it's laziness or something wrong with my brain chemistry but either way I'm afraid this period in my life will last forever. I mean I even have trouble writing in my blog these days.

8) I am quite happy in my small town. Everyone is friendly, there is nature everywhere, and I see mountains every day. I wouldn't mind living in a new house though. My house currently is old and worn. It needs new windows, insulation, a new paint job, a new roof, power washing, a dishwasher, a pantry, and about a thousand other updates...electrical...plumbing...I mean, all and all it's a good house, I just want something a little more up to date.

I'd like a house with a more open floor plan. I'd like water to be clean when it's turned on. I'd like to not be worried about house fires because of the out of date electricity. I'd like somewhere with similar square footage, maybe a bit bigger. I want the walls to be painted in happy or neutral colors. I'd prefer carpet to hardwood. I want a well laid out bathroom and a larger kitchen. Most of all, I want land.

I want room enough where neighbors are far away. I want land to have parties. I want to host a LARP. I want a garden and a workshop on site. I want trees and statues and a huge oak tree with a bench swing under it as a pretty escape to read. I want chickens. I want a creek. I want land so that if society does collapse I can farm and support my family. I may even have horses one day. (I'm set to inherent my mom and dads horses when they pass. I'd want to keep them on site.) Hell, I even want goats and cows


9) I just finished reading "The Ducks in the Bathroom are Not Mine" by David Thorne. Honestly, I love all of the books David comes out with. This one in particular is a compilation of his best stories. His stories are humor pieces that appeal to the darker tinges of my nature. For instance, my favorite story involves an email back and forth between a neighbor and the author. You know those garage lights that are motion activated? Well, David's neighbor installed a very bright one that shined into his bedroom at night. The back and forth featured David's unique brand of self deprecating humor in a way that disparaged the neighbor. It was hilarious. If you've never read David Thorne's work I highly recommend it!

I just started "Levathan Wakes" by James A. Corey. It's slow moving so far, but I'm only 25 pages into the 550 page novel. It's supposed to be really good. I got it for my birthday from a friend. The book is set in a realistic nearish future in space where we've colonized the solar system, but barely. I mean, it's not poorly written or anything. It's just a slow build up. Actually it feels a lot like "War and Peace" in that there are a lot of characters to keep track of and it's really slow going. I'll probably read more tonight.

10) If I were a character in a book I would be the worst protagonist ever. I think I'd be better suited to be the protagonist's best friend. I mean I think about how my knees look as I sit on the toilet, and how many onion rings I could fit into my mouth when I'm cooking dinner. No one wants to read that shit. I am however a stalwart companion that is always willing to help a friend in need. I don't know. I just don't feel like I'm main character material.

My life isn't particularly funny, exciting, or engaging either. Mostly its just naps. Although my dreams are pretty entertaining I guess if I were in a book the book would be just about my weird dreams. It would be read by my mother and begrudgingly by my friends. My dreams do have plot setting and character development so I suppose it wouldn't be too bad. Just weird.


11) If you were a character in a book I would name you George and have you be a flying hippo. Because seriously, what kind of question is this?

12) If I could have lunch with anyone in the world I'd choose my brother Robert. I never see him and his life is super interesting. Plus I love the raging asshole. He's just always so busy. But we'd drink fruity cocktails and complain about life together.

Although lunch is all it could be. If we spend too long together we fight.

13) Favorite Joke:

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho Cheese!

HOHOHOHOHOHO!!

My proudest accomplishment

I've been waiting on this one for a while now. Waiting and hoping that I could come up with something that I can write about and enthrall my audience, but the truth of the matter is I have done nothing in my life that I'm proud of. That isn't to say that I haven't done things. I mean I've graduated high school and college. I know I should be proud of that. A lot of people haven't . I'm just not proud of those. I did nothing to benefit anyone, including myself. Yes I worked, though not as hard as I could. But ultimately it did nothing to benefit anyone.

I very much feel that my proudest accomplishment is yet to come. When I graduate with my masters and get my own classroom. That will be my proudest accomplishment. At that point I'll be changing lives. I'll be doing something I can be proud of. Some people might think that it's another day at work, but there are kids where school is the only place that encourages them to improve themselves. I want to be the teacher that build students up to be better than they think they can be. I want to make a difference in someone's life. That is my proudest accomplishment, something that hasn't happened yet, but will