Songless but happy

Well, I had my first day of subbing. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't good either. I taught middle school math, specifically the 6th grade. The student were nousy and out of their seats all the time. They were mostly good kids, just not on task at all and super chatty.

I only had a half day but I was so exhausted afterwards it was rediculous. I took 3 naps and then still fell asleep quickly at bed time. Then I woke up 11 hours after I fell asleep. Im so glad I waited for a half day to come across my desk.

I also gamed last night. I couldn't tell you what we did, aside the fact I used all my spells to heal a mushroom man. I don't remember driving home either. That's pretty dangerous and looking back on it it probably wasn't a good move.

The good news is I felt welcomed into the group I've felt distance from since the election. That to me as worth the danger.

So the main sources of my depression have come and gone. Now I really need to clean my house. It is an absolute sty.

I want more music in my life. I've lost touch with music. It sounds strange and foreign now. I don't like a lot of the new music coming out though, and besides I have no real method of listening to it. What I miss is listening to music as a group or singing loudly in the car. I used to sing all the time and now I find my soul songless. I guess I cut it out of my life when I stopped watching tv too. I mean it happened around the same time. I think I need speaker for my computer so I can listen to music more.


Well, I'm on to clean my house!

Fun post

 I am sick. Like, I ate something bad. So to help me feel better I'm going to post a blog full of nothing but what my middle autocorrect button suggests.

"a good picture with my parents I am a good friend to my friend who is also my aunt aunt I am a good aunt a good aunt friend and a good friend friend who had been on a good friend today she said that I was a aunt aunt I am so happy"

And now the left button.

"Is I am so happy to be a good aunt aunt I love you so much I love you so happy I love you so much I love you so happy I love you so much I love you so happy I love you so much I love you so happy "

And since the right gets left out.

"of my life and she said I'm having fun at school and she just told her she needs a good job lol I'm sorry to be the way you do that she wants me too much but you can do anything with her."

Skip this. It's depressing.

I'm feeling pretty depressed and a little suicidal today. Depression is hard, let's be real for a moment. Depression is seriously hard. Pills help, but it's always there waiting for your weakness to show. It wants to kill you. It wants to kill me. I'm stronger than suicide.

I'm worthless. I can't work, as much as I'd love to, there hasn't been a day where I could have gotten through a full day of work without falling asleep. I give myself the illusion that I'm working, but let's face it. Since getting the subbing job I have taken zero gigs. I just haven't felt well enough.

I'm afraid of both rabid trump and Clinton supporters. I feel like I could lose friendships I treasure just because I didn't vote the right way. I really don't have many friends. I have lots of aquantances. Friends are something I have in short supply. After I got sick friends just stopped wanting to be a part of my life. Now I'm walking on eggshells to keep from upsetting the ones I have. I shouldn't have to, but there it is.

Even gaming, the thing I do to forget my world I suck at. I can't hold my own in it. Even bejeweled seems to be out to get me.

I'm cold.

I'm lonely.

And I don't see Any value in being this cold, lonely, and worthless.

At least I haven't had a ciggarette in 11 days.

Shopping feels good

I house sit for my parents and as result got paid some money. Because of this I went on a shopping spree. Now, most would think this meant I got a bunch of stuff I didn't need, but for me this meant fresh fruits and veggies, some deodorant and face wash, and as a splurge I got myself some hair dye. 

I made an epic salad with radish, kale, spinach, cucumber, peppers, mushrooms and craisens. I made 4 of them. One for today, and 3 for work this week. Starting tomorrow I go to work.

I got oranges and grapes. English muffins for breakfast as well as low fat microwave meals for lunches. I need to get a head start on losing weight.

And I got face soap. I seriously need it. The soap I have is way too gentle on my acne prone skin. As a result I've been dealing with some seriously painful acne.

Now I'm going to take a nap because I didn't sleep well last night. Elections and all.

Later tonight i will dye my hair and play some WoW

The end of the world has happened, and it's all my fault.

I voted Libertarian.

I should have voted for Clinton because Clinton lost without my vote.

It doesn't matter if I voted for what I believe.

It doesn't matter that I've always voted Libertarian.

It doesn't matter because my vote should have been someone else's to use.

I have no morals.

I am the worst.

It's my fault black people are going to die and Mary can't marry Susan.

Every social injustice is now on my hands.

There is now blood on my hands.

And I'm to blame because I don't care that my friends voted for Trump.

I'm to blame because I am still friends with Libertarians.

I'm to blame because I don't care if my friends were democrat.

I'm to blame because I think friendship goes beyond politics.

I'm a shame to the voter pool.

I should just give up my right to vote.

But now everyone is going to die and the world has ended.

We've never had a Republican president before.

We can't turn back now.

We will never be able to vote again.

I'm going to hell.

*facedesk*

Can we move to 3 weeks from now when I'm not the villan?

Sly as a fox

I have seen a fox almost every day since coming to my parent’s house. She’s a beautiful thing a black underbelly and a white mussed face. I don’t know if it’s male or female actually, i’m just putting a gender on it. It makes writing easier. She’s stared at me at least 3 times. It was wonderful! Nothing magical,  it just gives me a childish thrill when a wild animal aknowleges me.

While out doing my spell I heard owls too. There is so much wildlife in this area. I even think I heard a raven!

I’m on a diet for my cruise trip. It’s so hard. I’m constantly hungry. I also have to convence myself that I will eat again. Mom has been so good about keeping me on track. She reminds me that i need to keep my meals small and my snacks healthy.

I’ve been ciggarette free for 4 days!

I head to Boston tonight. I’m excited about flying. I love flying. Pulling Gs is thrilling in a way that nothing else is. I’d choose it above sex and food too. And then I love airports too. Seeing people running around in their own worlds makes me feel almost empathic.

Speaking of empathy, I’ve been having problems feeling all but the most intence emotions lately. Once when the cat got out and another time when the cubs won. Even then I didn’t feel the emotions so much as I recognized the physical effects of the emotions. I wonder if my antidepressents have something to do with it, or if it’s my disaccocitive disorder.  I wonder how I can start feeling emotions again. I mean aside visiting my therapist. I’m sure it would help if I had a friend who i trusted with my emotions. I’ve had a couple, but they stopped talking to me as much. Even Joe has been too busy. It’s kind of lonely not having a friend I can count on.

I’m doing better at not sleeping all day. I’m hoping this means I’ll be able to substitute starting Wednesday. Hopefully for a full day.

I got this!

Cruising

I’m going on a cruise! In early May my mother and I are going on a cruise to the Bahamas on Norwegian Cruiselines. It’s a 4 day cruise that mommy got for free for resisiting a sales pitch at the timeshare. I’m so excited.

So we start out in Miami. From there we have three stops. The first one is the Grand Bahama Island (The name sounds a bit pretentious.) While we’re there we’ll go kayaking somewhere pretty (And knock it off my bucket list). After that we hit Nassau where we’ll swim with dolphins (another thing off my bucket list) then we hit up the cruise’s private island called Great Stirrup Cay where we relax on the beach. Then we head back to Maimi.

Best of all the drinks on the cruise are free. It’s an open bar, yo! I’m going to get so drunk on pina coladas.

We’ll also take an extra few days and visit family in Florida. We have family in Orlando and Tampa. i love family so this sounds amazing to me! It’ll be the perfect trip!

Holy crap!!

The Cubs won the World Series! My whole family is stoked. Grandpa was the biggest Cubs fan I know of. We're talking about laying a Cubs pennant on his grave.

Oh my God we won!!

What I am not.

I went to a Wiccian Ritual tonight. It was nice. The people were nice. The ritual itself was nice. It wasn’t my thing I think. I mean there were certain elements that I liked and enjoyed, but there were things I definatly didn’t. Mostly the whole “Goddess” thing. It just didn’t ring true.

One thing I liked was a message. One of the group member’s passed this year. Aparently she had a list of things she wanted to do, but never did. The ritual leader spoke about how you never know when you’re going to die, and you have to live your life unabashedly. I also met a guy who said he had a spiritual death and rebirth recently. He was really annoying, but I understood that part of what he was talking about.

A part of me died when the past year. The whole being bedridden thing really did point out my own frail mortality. There were certain parts of me, mostly fear and pretentiousness, that died. I live my life saying yes as often as I can. I want to be an active part in my own life and not play a passive roll, not because of obligation, but because of a genuine thirst to experiance. Or at least that’s what I’d like to believe.

Something that rang true was calling the ancestors. I think I’m just really a family girl. Family is very important to me. I don’t think I’ll ever have a family that leads to me being an ancestor. I’d have to spawn for that. I’ve discovered I just don’t want that. I like my freedom a bit too much. Hopefully one of my kid brothers will spawn or adopt. Hell, maybe I’ll get married again and have it stick. I at least want a partner to go on adventures with, to learn with, to savor the amazing parts of life.

I’m wired on caffine. I want to dance around a fire. I want to drive to somewhere new and explore. I want to drink wine with my friends and live.

I think that’s the feeling I came back from the ritual with. I want to live.

Okay, so I have this feeling. I’ve scratched something off my bucketlist this week (Carve a pumpkin). I got news that I I get to cross off another one this year (Go on a cruise) What else can I do to facilitate this feeling in my life. I believe I do this by accomplishing goals.

2016 Goals:
1) Quit smoking (Starting Nov 1st no more ciggarettes.)
2) Lose weight (be 194 lbs by New Years. 1300 cal a day. Couch to 5k every other day. Weights every other day.)
3) Do 2 more 5k’s (I have one on my nightstand. Do it by December 1st. I need to register for one more by Jan 1st.)
4) Write Christmas Cards (By Thanksgiving. Start collecting addresses now.)
5) Finish my novel (By January 1st. 500 words a day starting November 8th)
6) Get a job (Work 2 days a week begining December 1st)
7) Alpha test Santuary again (Sometime before December 31st)
8) Find a new place to volunteer at. (Check into the Community Center as well as United Way.)
9) Improve hygine (Shower daily. Use deoderent every time. Brush teeth twice daily.)
10) Find a new LARP (Write a list to try in 2017.)
11) Meditate daily starting November 2nd.
12) Go to a Friends-giving party.
13) Finish making my shelf.

As to my wanderlust, Friday I go to Boston. Sunday I visit Salem and historical Boston. I will take lots of pictures.



PS: How about those Cubs!? Did they win? I don’t know. Bottom of the 8th and we’re 6-3. I hope we win. The umpire seems a bit biased though.

Housesitting

So I’m at myparents house, and I just got access to my blogger (by stealing my mom’s computer). Curse iOS for not having the blogger app anymore! I did bring my computer, but it has no WiFi so it’s useless for everything but playing minecraft and listening to audiobooks.

Speaking of audiobooks, I’m 4 books into the Dresdin Files as read by James Marsters. I’m super liking it so far! it’s been a while since I had a fictional narritive where I understood everything that was going on. I’ve been reading the Pern series by Ann McCaffery, and half the time I don’t understand wht’s going on. My reading comprehension isn’t as good as it once was. I still enjoy the novel and challenging myself is the only way to get my reading comprehension back up. So it’s nice to have a straight forward story that I understand. I mean, it’s not like I can watch TV either.

Anyway, I’m having a blast at my parents house. I’ve ligitimately gained 5 lbs since coming here. I’m not sure whether to blame Halloween candy, or the fact my parents have many good foods around the house. Either way, a strict diet is about to ensue. 60 lbs overweight is way too much.

As to my vices, i’ve given up ciggarettes. I still use my e-cig, but i just don’t crave ciggarettes anymore. I’m sure that will change once I get home and Joe starts smoking them around me. Let me tell you, it’s hard not smoking when people around you smoke. Lets just hope I don’t want ciggarettes anymore and I don’t have to deal with temptation.

I did my Halloween ritual. On 12:30 am on October 31st instead of my normal 12:00 November 1st. I figured that I should do it before all the trick or teaters ran amuck. So as Halloween rolled in I snuck into a local park that isn’t visited often. It was scary for me. I was so scared someone would call the cops on me, but they didn’t. I had a good ritual. I said a spell for prosperity for Joe, Rowan, Willow and I for the coming year. It was nice and fun.

I dressed up as Wednesday Adams for Halloween. It was  pretty easy costume, and more than a handful of people identified me correctly. I went to Boo at the Zoo with my friend’s kid and her lovely mommy.

I carved a pumpkin which is one of the things on my bucket list. I’m very excited about it. I got many compliments on it too. It was a brilliand pumpkin to begin with. It was warted and huge! 

I made pumpkin cookies too!

I did a lot of knitting while here too. I finished Granny’s pot holder 1 of 2, and knit a scarf for Aunt Doris. Rowan and Willow helped me a lot in the process. 

Also they are so super cute!

A lot of other things have happened. The most important is the news mom brought back with her. WE’RE going on a Mommy-Daughter cruise to the Bahamas!

The cruise has an open bar and visits Nassau as well as its own private island! I am stoked! We don’t have a solid date yet, but it’s giving me an excuse to lose weight. I want to look good in a swim suit. It’s time to diet and exercise hard.

The good news is I haven’t been as exhausted since my spell (Who cares if it’s magic or psycological. If it works it works.) I’m going to try for the gym as well as doing my substitute teaching.

I head to Boston to visit my friend Chewie on Friday. I get to party and drink with him. I get to visit with his wife too! It’s super exciting. What’s more Chewie is going to take me to local historical places. Some in Boston as well as Salem.

Good things are coming my way. I’m excited for the amazing things in my future!