Lost ranting

I have a lousy since of direction. I frequently got lost in my own high school. I got lost driving a straight road. So when I say I'm lost I know what I'm talking about.

And I am lost. Not in the physical since, but the metaphorical. It feels the same. It's this crazy disorienting feeling in your head and a sinking stomach feeling.

I'm so fucking lost. I'm 30 years old, jobless, no prospects, and little money (which is government assistance so...it's a fucking handout) I'm sick...and I'm sicker than I let on, of course some days I'm fine and I forget...but days like today when I can't even talk haunt me. I'm unsure how long my relationship will last. He has to be getting fed up with my health bull shit by now. I'm lost.

I really want to move back in with my folks and give up on adulting. I mean, I really want to move into a toddler state where all I have to do is read and go to school and have all my other needs met.

I couldn't have worked today. What do I do if I can't work? Aren't I no better than a toddler anyway?

School costs money. I have no money. I need a good job that I can work quietly alone. Retail doesn't do that. Factory work light labor would be best for me. Where I can sit down in my wheelchair and do a single task 8billion times a day and be paid a living wage.

What should I do? I can't even do basic home making. I'm useless. Why do I exsist. 

"Even the lame may ride a horse" where is my horse?

If I were a rich man:

 If I were rich I'd:

have a soft king size bed

Have a nutritionist cook my meals

Have a house keeper

Take areal silks, belly dance, martial arts, yoga, Pole dancing, and parkour classes

Have someone who picks out clothes for me.

Have bachelors degrees in asl, Spanish, philosophy, a masters in teaching and Counciling, and a doctorate in literature, and proto indo European history.

Work as a pagan minister during the summer performing wedding and funerals, and a 4th grade teacher during the school year.

Go on volunteer vacations where I go to places with the most need and help them.

Go on a cruise every other year or so.

Go to music festivals, larps, and cons that fit into my schedule.

Go on vacation with my boyfriend every year, even if it's only a weekend.

Have a 50 square foot raised bed garden full of beans, tomato, potato, corn, squash, peppers, and other veggies I eat.

Own a nice house where my boyfriend and I live with our fur-children.

Have chickens, a goat, and a mini jersey cow.

Own so many books that I never move again because Joe will not move all my books.

Have a successful blog based on my many adventures.

Publish a book series.

Open a new age shoppe, used bookstore/coffee shop, a 3D printing workshop, a private boarding school that specializes in high risk children, or a farm to plate reaturant.

Well fuck waiting for money to do these things. I'll do them without money! It won't be as fast, but I'll get them done!

I give up

I'm quitting smoking starting tomorrow. It's bad for me. I can't run. It turns my teeth yellow and it upsets my mother.

So starting tomorrow I quit.

In its place and with the money I save I will buy myself a wow subscription and teeth whitener. I'll replace one addiction with another.

I'll buy dum dums too for when I'm out with friends and they're smoking.

This will work. This time it will work.

At least that's what I tell myself.

Anger

I'm angry. Well, not infuriated or pissed off, just angry. My ex husband was employed by a huge crafting workshop. He did not take advantage of that amazing workshop to make good things. I acknowledge I shouldn't be angry, but I am. It was such a good job. Not only could he use all the tools, and have access to the professionals in those tools, but he didn't take advantage of the free education they provided.

It's done. He's gone from my life. But I would have loved that job. I wanted him to take advantage of it to get the amount of joy I feel making things. It is a joy to create.

Digging up old pain does nothing. I can still use that anger to make myself grateful that I have access to a workshop and a boyfriend who knows his craft.

I've been making a mug of wood. Joe was making one too, but it was ruined to no Fault of his own. I'm angry that the wood warped and cracked. I wanted to make something with him. I would have rathered have had both our mugs break, and I couldn't tell you why. I love my new mug, but I suppose making something together was sort of romantic.

I can use that anger to remind myself that he taught me a great skill and showed his love through teaching. He loves me and I know it.

I'm angry at myself for not being able to fast for more than 27 hours. I'm angry I can't give up ciggarettes, or even want to. I'm angry that I can't keep a clean house.

I can use this anger to spur me forward into helping me quit doing shit that doesn't need to be done and doing the stuff that does.

News

100 people, 50 dead so far,were gunned down by some extreemest fuckwad while they were dancing at a gay bar in Orlando, Florida. And although my heart aches for those affected, I can't help but think of the thousands of people also killed that day. How many people were diagnosed with cancer? How many people were raped? How many were sold as slaves? There is truly evil in the world, that is certain. It is not just those 50 victims, but the 50 thousand nameless who die each day that makes me hurt the most.

Why do people treat lives as expendable? It hurts. Why do people get cancer? It hurts. Why do people kill? It hurts. And it's not my pain that should be humored. It's theirs.

Before this some guy got off 6 months in prison for raping a girl. A such girl was found guilty of adultery in Qutiar for being raped. I found out a friend has a bad form of cancer.

The only comfort I can give myself in all this is the words of my grand father " Nothing's going to be alright. Not a damn thing." To me this means you have to take the good with the bad, enjoy your friends, eat some cheese fries,bake some cookies. Bad shit happens and it could be you tomorrow. It could be your brother, your friend, or even a valued coworker, but everyone dies. You're job is to enjoy as much as you can as often as you can. Don't take shit for granted. Take litterally nothing for granted. It could all vanish tomorrow.

Examination

It feels wrong to have the entirety of my wellbeing focused on some tiny pull no bigger than a grain of rice. It's that pill, however, that girdles my freedom and responsibility as a contributing member of society. It cures the Tourette's, but not the FND, it makes my ADD worse, and there's a small measure of uncomfortable peace of mind in knowing I haven't been faking at all. 

It seems odd that I'd be uncomfortable getting better, but it's really quite simple. I don't want to doubt my sanity. As it stands, sometimes I forget I was even sick. I wonder why I'm not doing more, and then I remember that I'm not completely well and I'm still recovering from one of the worst experiences of my life. I beat myself up that I'm not working, that I'm not cleaning house, that I'm exhausted nearly all the time.

The pill makes me hungry all of the time, even when I'm full I'm still hungry. I've always been a bit of a glutton, but this is unreal to me. I've always been in control of my hunger. But I find myself inhaling food at an alarming rate.

What am I going to do about it? I'm going to struggle to cut out sugar and fast food. That should minimize the damage. I'm still using weight watchers, but not doing well with it. I need to work hard to stay in control.

I'm having trouble staying up on housework. I'm so exhausted all the time, and I've become a little hydrophobic. Water sets off an uneasy discomfort deep inside me. It makes it difficult to shower, do dishes, and hose anything off. I do my best to ignore both the exhaustion and the fear of water, but it really effects how I maintain the house. I don't know what to do about it, really.

Maybe I can make it automatic by scheduling it. Maybe water is a phycological symbol for emotions I've been avoiding and I need to face them. Both are things I can easily do.

The real contender is the exhaustion I deal with. I push through it for things like the gym, but I enjoy the gym. It's a much harder task to grit through things I don't enjoy. What's more my ADD leaves me scatterbrained without a designated course.

My new mantra is "how do I fix this?" I have so much to fix. My finances , my weight, my house, and a job. 

Speaking of finances, I'm probably going to have to borrow money from my parents this month. My credit cards are asking more money of me than I can handle. I'm doing blue apron more, and I really like not having to ask to go to the grocery store. Still, I canceled all meals for this month exempt this week's.

I'm working to overcome my shortcomings.