Confessions

I see a lot of hate on Facebook lately, and a lot of it is aimed at me, though I'll never admit it.

Firstly, I am non Christian. I don't honestly know what I am yet, but I lean towards Heathen beliefs. That's not atheism. I believe my ancestors are watching over me and helping me where they can. I believe in the soul of nature and natural things. I believe they have a form of sentience. I don't really believe or not believe in dieties. It's just something I don't care about. If I live a good and moral life I'll be rewarded for it. I don't like being told I'll go to hell for anything. I don't believe I've been a bad person, and I don't know if I believe in hell. 

Im not saved. I rescue myself, thank you.

And then there's politics!

There is so much political hatred."Trump or Hillary," Facebook cries. And if you have the nerve of voting for anyone else you might as well be voting for the other guy.

I vote Libritarian. It's the party whose ideals measure up to mine. I vote, not to win, but who I see the most fit for office. I'm not a monster for voting for a candidate I believe in. What's more, it's not just about the president, but who's in congress. That's more important, in my opinion.

But anyway, why are they saying I'm throwing away my vote? I'm not throwing it away. I may not be voting for the next president, but rather telling America who I want to be president.

I am bi. I'm awkward, but I do like women too. I don't actually see a lot of hate, but I know it's there.

Anyway. I purposefully don't respond on facebook. It would turn my mother's head. I guess I just needed a spot to vent.

Dream Home: The Back Yard, and Internal Workings of the House

So the most important part of the house is the back yard! And my dream backyard is the most epic of all.

First there is a pavilion with a jucuzi it is large enough for 4 people because winter jucuzi parties are the best! It doesn't matter to me if its in ground or not, but it has to be covered.


With all the water features of the yard, my inner weabu would find it amid if I didn't have one of those bamboo clacker things. I forgot what they're called.

Then I must have a large oak tree. I'm debating between live oak and burr oak, currently. But something that looks majestic, and can be climbed.

In a different tree nearby I want 5 or 6 wind chimes that compliment each other's sounds nicely. When there's a big wind storm I can sit on my swing and listen to the music.

Speaking of swing, there will be a wood and rope swing hanging from a tree, either the oak itself, or a nearby tree. Swinging is my favorite thing to do. It'll be nice to swing and read on most days of the year.


I want statues around the property. Here and there hidden by trees or foliage. I want every one to have a story and an air of mystery. It'll be like the secret garden.


Along with full sized statues, I want fairy sized displays. I want fairy homes and hidden fairy statues. Much like the full sized statues it should be whimsical yet mysterious.


The back yard is also where I have my raised bed vegetables. I want tomato, squash, peppers, cucumbers, and berries, along with herbs and magical flowers like rue and yarrow.


And should I spawn the kid will have an epic playground. It'll have monkey bars, a slide, rock climbing wall, a trapeze, and a play house. I also think a pull-up bar would be fun. I used to do tricks on pull-up bars.


Every kid needs a trampoline. So do adults who may or may not be drinking. So a trampoline goes in the play area, as do swings.


And a sandbox/chalkboard/climbing wall would be essential for a kid to play on too!

To make the kids area more fun, and safer, there would be a fence going around the yard. That fence would have glass marbles in it to make it more fun.


Inside the house,and the inner workings therein are wonderfully off the grid. Water is well water. The sun powers the house, and the only thing we pay for is the Internet.

Under one of the light switches is the story of the house and me, the one who built it...or if Joe builds it with me (<3 yes please <3) his and my story.


Solar panels on the roof are what I want. I think these roof shingle solar panels are the most adorable thing. If they're actually a thing that exsists then I have those on my roof gathering electricity.


Since living in poorly insulated houses for the past 4 years, I have to have well insulated house and Windows. There are no good pictures of a well insulated house, but that's what I want.

Dream House: Kitchen and Patio

Staying with my house design of my dreams, I bring everything to the heart of the house: the kitchen. My dream kitchen, like my bedroom, is full of natural light. It's easy to clean and doesn't have a lot of mess on the counters. It leads directly to the patio for entertaining. And my patio is a safe haven for everybody.

This picture is so pretty with the skylights. I want so many skylights in my kitchen.The natural wood above matches the bedroom, and I really want that style throughout the house. I hate how small the kitchen is and those red cabinets are not my style, but I love the ceiling!



This is the color scheme I want in my kitchen! The dark wood and the light counter-tops look amazing! I also really like how open it feels.



This stove and oven is amazing. I'd rather have a glass range because it's so much easier to clean, but having a separate griddle for pancakes (which I love) would be amazing!! Also, If I plan on entertaining a lot, I should also have a lot of oven space to make so much food for so many friends.



We must have a dishwasher! I hate the look of a drying rack on the counter! It doesn't need to be fancy. It just has to work.



The kitchen has to have a bar for casual dining. It's also good to have me be entertained by people as I cook for a party.



I want a pantry. More than anything in the house I must have a pantry.  A place that holds my food and doesn't look cluttered would be amazing! It doesn't need to be huge, but this one in particular is pretty. I love the shelving on the outside with the plants. If I'm going to have a lot of natural light in my kitchen I might as well have pretty plants.




I want my pantry to be uniform and organized with lots of glass.


Cans will be visible and organized so I can see what we have at a glance.


I have a coffee nook in my house right now, and I love it! I want one in my dream house. It's a place to keep all the coffee making supplies we have and display our mugs. I drink a lot of coffee so having this is convenient and lovely.



Now we get to the patio, which is an outdoor extension of the kitchen into an outdoor dining and entertainment area. The windows in the kitchen open up to the outdoor bar. This is where drinks are served from the ease of the kitchen.



I also must have a table outside. There's something magical about eating outside during 3 seasons of the year (Winter non so much)



The outside is a magical place. It's made of stone and has both fire and water features. I'd rather have a fire pit than a fire place, but otherwise it's a relaxing place to both write and entertain.




The drain off from the rain feeds into a




KOI POND!!! Which drains into my natural pool, of course.

Dream house- master bedroom, catio, and pool

I have been designing my dream home for a while now, and It's time I share some photo inspiration. As to the master bedroom of my dream house, I want an open and airy floor-plan with blue-greys, browns, and natural wood. I want lots of windows and natural light in the room, and that means no neighbors that can creep on me when I'm naked. There will be no vanities or dressers, just the bed and the nightstands.

The bed itself I don't want to be fancy. A simple low to the floor bed is nice, but maybe something a little higher up to save my joints. What is important about this picture is the mural. I would love to have a mural instead of a headboard. I'd like something that takes the bed and incorporates it into the rest of the bedroom instead of setting it apart. Not this exact mural, but maybe an abstract woodland scene? A carpet would be easiest to clean, I think. It'll also be good for my joints, so something plush and inviting.

I love nightstands. It's a place to keep my medicines out of the way (speaking of which I need to take mine). It's also the powerhouse and charging station in my room. A nightstand like this would be nice Something neat and tidy to keep my electronics charged, and still hide all the medicines I take.

This is an example of the style of natural wood incorporation into the room. It's pretty and neat. I also want a sunlight and a wall of windows leading to the catio/balcony that I'd watch sunsets on. Also...bear rug? Yes. Bear rug.

The catio is a fenced in area for the cats to go when they hate the AC. There will be lots of non toxic plants, cat trees, and maybe a water feature with fishies. There will also be cat-grass for them to eat and lay in.

And most importantly, the rocking chairs that I'll sit in to watch the sun set and read, and just generally enjoy the outdoors.

There will be a little door from the catio down some stairs into the natural pool. It has to be a natural pool. None of those chemicals and stuff. They are easier to care for without the constant chemical balance. The plants take care of the filtering naturally. I'll use this pool every morning to swim laps so it has to be about 25 meters long. A fountain in it is unnecessary, but still pretty cool.

What is important are the statues. I want a handfull of nymphs playing in the water.

Only like 3 statues though, and have them grouped together. I don't want to overdo it.

Also a moss ball, because it's cool. Not that I want a moss-ball...I just wanted to share its coolness.

Oh, I almost forgot the master bedroom closet!

It would look something like this, but with more dresser drawers. My partner and I would share this space. So left half would be my staging area and the right half would be his. The lighting, since it would be towards the inside of the house would have to be warm toned and bright. There would also have to be a body mirror on the inside of the door.

Maybe that mirror could open up into my jewelry box...

To Become a Badass Start at the Basics.

I am not where I want to be in life, and I'm certainly not where the world expects me to be. I'm 30, jobless, failed marriage, no children...If I died right now all I'd be is a debt to whoever had to foot thebill, because Gods know I don't have life insurance.

So where do I want to be? And where am I now

Have a fulfilling job........................................................................I do dishes sometimes.
Making 27k+ a year........................................................................I get disability at 11k a year.
Have the energy to keep my house clean........................................I do laundry occasionally.
Have an athletic body......................................................................I play Pokemon Go sometime.
Be healthy again.............................................................................My pills make me functional.
Have nice clothes............................................................................I don't fit into my stained and worn clothes.
Not feel awkward in social situations.............................................I feel like my friends are only around because they don't want to be the douche who wasn't friends with someone after they got a disability.
Get out of debt.................................................................................Swimming in debt, not drowning...yet.


Everything else is secondary. When I hit where I want to in life, Then I can try to master scroll work, become a good cellist, write a publishable novel, or speak another language. I'm not saying I'm not going to practice in the meantime, it's just not going to be my focus.

Well, I want to get married again one day too, but I'm not going to rush that. That's one of those things that needs to happen authentically. Though, it would be nice to have a good and healthy marriage. One based on communication, trust, and respect. It would have to be a healthy marriage, though. I want a healthy marriage eventually.

So what am I going to do to reach my goals.

A lot of it hinges on me getting my license back, so I guess waiting is in order on the job front and going to the gym. But as soon as I get my license I'll job hunt to the fullest. I'll get on the Ticket to Work program. I'll also be frequenting the Gym. I'm excited about taking classes there. They have a Pilates/Yoga class I've been dying to take. Once I get a job, the debt will resolve. Once I hit the gym 4-5 times a week my clothes should start fitting. I'll have a better body, too.

I guess that leaves me to work on my social etiquite and cleaning the house...Well it's something to work on.Starting tomorrow I'm going to clean my house top to bottom. I'd say I'd do it today, but I am really feeling my symptoms badly.

Tomorrow:
Laundry
Clean the sun room
    *Take down and store my greenhouse,
    * Water my plants
    * Wipe tables down
    *Sweep and mop.
Clean the kitchen.
     * Do dishes
     *Wipe down counters
     *Clean out fridge
     *Clean coffee table
      *Clean stove
      *sweep
      *mop

I guess that will do me for now. It'll have to.

Poke-venture and update

Well, Pokemon Go has taken me out of the house again. I am currently in the coffees  shop down the street chilling, writing, and taking a poke gym. It's not that far, just a couple blocks,  I enjoy the walk, though. 

I've been failing a lot at my goals recently. It's both sad and pathetic. That's the main reason I haven't been updating my blog. I've been failing way too much. 

 I can't keep my weight under control because food is too tempting for me. I'd like to blame it on my meds (Which do make me hungry all the time, even when I'm full, I feel famished) but I used to be able to deal with hunger. I could fast for days and be alright. Now if I miss a meal I will be eating at the next meal like I haven't in days. 

I think the main problem is psychological. I am constantly afraid I'm not going to be able to eat for a while. I seem to have the philosophy ingrained in my psyche "When will I be able to eat again?" It's an actual fear that I will not eat again. I don't know where this fear came from. I suspect it started when I was bed ridden and I couldn't really make food for myself well. It took so much out of me just to make a simple sandwich.

I really don't know how to fix this. The psychological problem paired with my meds is killing me. I'm over 200 lbs now. It's getting rediculous. I canceled weight watchers because it wasn't helping. I really don't know how to deal with this. My weight is certainly an issue as well. It's killing my self confidence. I feel like I'm carrying another person around so it's killing my health as well. I'm so angry that I can't take care of this. I'm angry that I can't rise above this. It's rediculous.

I'm also angry at things beyond my control. I was supposed to get my license back on July 1st. Two weeks later, and I have been denied a really great job because I don't have my license. I can't go out. I can't do my own thing. I'm stuck within a mile of my house. 

I want to do a 5k at a local park, but I can't. Well I guess I could, but I'd have to walk the 1.5 miles there and the 1.5 miles back. At that point it becomes a 10k which I could do, but I would be a mess for several days after. 

We need milk and I want guacamole. I can't go to the grocery. I need pet supplies for Balsa, but I can't go to the pet store. I suppose I should focus on cleaning, but I am sick of cleaning. I am so fucking sick of it! Every day whenever I'm up it's always dishes and laundry. It's never ending. I have no break from it. I can't go to work and come home and straighten. It's like I'm trying to wash in a shower of slime. I have no reprieve from it. 

I'm so full of anger and depression right now. I lost my e-cig so I can't get nicotine that way. I'm stuck debating weather I want to start up cigarettes again to get rid of this anger and depression. I always feel better after a cigarette, at least for a little while.

5k- July 4

On July 4th I ran a 5k with my brother. 

I got my best time 

54:14

Pokemon Go

I've been walking a lot recently. It's nice to get out and walk with and without people. The reason behind all the walking is a new game called Pokemon Go. It's a game that feeds my nostalgia, and gaming habit. 

Essentially you run around clicking on Pokemon, and throwing poke balls at them. You can't find Pokemon unless you walk around. You can get items from poke stops, which are places of cultural significance. At level 5 you choose one of 3 teams. These teams battle for dominance at poke gyms.

I'm on the red team; team valor. I wanted to be yellow team because it's my favorite color. But I also kinda wanted to be red. I gave Joe the final decision.

Val and I went to the beach so I got so many unique Pokemon.

Here are my stats so far:

Food dreaming:

Breakfast:

Easy over eggs topped with avocado and tomato, a hot coffee as well

Second breakfast:

Oatmeal with ripe nectarines and a maple drizzle and a glass of mango orange juice

Elevensies:

Potato onion soup with sour cream and chives

Lunch:

Roast beef and horseradish with peppered broccoli and an iced tea

Afternoon tea:

Cold brew coffee with sweet cream, strawberries, and an iced scone

Dinner:

Roast duck wings with a balsamic reduction and goat cheese polenta

Supper:

A crab cake with a dolop of tarter sauce, Lemon butter quinoa and asparagus.