First night with the cpap machine

So tonight marks the first night with my cpap machine. I have named her Rosamund. She is a high tech marvel. She has a humidifier and buttons. She even has wifi...

The wifi is so the medical company can make sure I'm using her. I need to use her 2/3 of the time or my insurance doesn't cover her. Also they are making sure I'm using her correctly. If I don't they'll call and correct how I'm using her. Also they can see if it's working or not, you know see if it fixed my sleep apnea.

It's kind of creepy, but I need it so it's worth it. Well worth it.

I look like an elephant with it on.

We'll see how I feel tomorrow for my road trip!

good news and some rants

I'm at my parents house getting my car ready for the road trip Thursday; oil change and all that. And I'm starting to get excited! Then dad pays me for looking after the dog and my aunt Doris. He gives me a check for $1000! Not only do I not have to worry about being paid next month, or worry about money on my trip, but also I can afford the cpap machine on my own!!

Speaking of the cpap machine, I get it on Wednesday before my trip!! It costs $80 upfront then $9 a month for 10 months! I was so worried that it would be $1500 right off, but my insurance covers it.

I'm going to miss insurance when I go back to school. This whole, "not having to pay full price" thing is making getting medical care awesome. Next up on my medical list is getting a mammogram. Though I don't have to worry about it for a while yet. Maybe in October? I want to get this cpap thing done and over with first. Not to mention I still have to get my results in from my colposcopy.

So this whole quitting smoking thing is super hard. Cutting back is a bear, and being at my parents house, where I don't want to remind mom I smoke, or fight with dad about how hard quitting is, makes it that much harder. It's especially hard when I'm bored. And I'm bored a lot at my parents house. I need to get a laptop that runs some sort of game on it just for the parents house (and school. Don't forget school) maybe I can ask for help buying one for Christmas.

**politics**

So I'm still upset about Charlottesville. I don't think that will go away. My current issue with it revolves around Facebook. A lot of my friends are posting things like "if you don't think killing nazis is a good thing, you're a racist." Well I don't think that killing anyone is a good response.  killing, no. And as much as I'd like to punch a nazi till I feel bones break, I also firmly believe that if we do we stoop to their level. Plus it just furthers their feelings of riotous alienation. I believe that re education and preventitive education are the only ways to curb white nationalism.

The problem is I'm not smart enough to debate topics I'm knowledgeable in and obsess over. Seriously, ask me to defend my stance on the benefits of comics in eduction. Even though I've researched it to high hell, I still couldn't debate it in person. Maybe I could via email, but def not in person.

And since I'm on controversial topics

**religion**

Mom told me to pack Sunday clothes for my trip so I could go to church with granny. Now, I'll go to church but I don't like it. I hate it in fact. I hate praying to a god I don't want to worship. I don't believe the Christian god is omniciant, omnipotent, or omnipresent. So I choose not to worship him. I honestly choose not to worship any diety and instead go to the afterlife on my own merits. Now getting my mom used to the idea is going to be a slow process. I still pray at dinner because she's not used to the idea that I'm not Christian yet. Slowly I'm stopping going to church with her, then I'll stop praying, then I'll actually feel good about debating theology with her.

But anyway, mom basically told me I need to go to church with granny. But I'm bringing a friend who doesn't do church. I'm pretty sure she's an atheist. It wouldn't be right to force her to go to church. It would be more hypocritical since I'm not Christian to begin with.

Mom seems disappointed that I don't have many Christian friends. She probably thinks the atheists are the reason behind my lack of faith. And while it's true I don't have many Christian friends, I shed the burden of my Christianity because I started reading the Bible more.

And now I get ready to have breakfast with my brother, and spend the day with my mommy.

Good day

I was depressed this morning. I didn't want to leave the house, but I did because I made plans and sulking wasn't going to help anyone.

So I went shooting at the firing range. I shot an ak-74. That was pretty fun. Mostly it was the company that I needed though.

Then I went out for food with my friends. I had some pretty damn good Korean ramen, whatever that means. It was on the menu as Korean ramen, but I didn't know Korea had ramen. Unless it's like American Chinese food in that it was invented in the US for US palates.

Anyway then I went to a chili cook off. I hung out with more friends, ate more delicious foods, and even had a beer.

Then finally I watched Game of Thrones with my man and his family.

All in all s good day .

.

Today I did housework! I did both dishes and laundry! I'm wondering if it's because I've been depressed. Because as soon as I posted that I'm a bad person on Facebook I get into the swing of cleaning. It's too much to be coincidence.

So there was a rally of white supremacists today, and I guess last night. Some asshole mowed down pedestrians in his car. A 32 year old woman died. She was a year older than me. She died peacefully protesting white supremacy. I'm going to be honest here, because I feel I can't be honest elsewhere.

I am livid.

This is my state. That happened just an hour away from me. A woman lost her life because some asshole couldn't use his goddamn words like a grown up. Yes I know murders happen all the time and for sillier reasons...but this was a statement on the moral health of Virginia. I thought we were doing okay. I thought we were making progress. And then some group ruins everything. They killed a woman. They. Ended. Her. Life. I say they because even though one man perpetrated the action, there were still people who are silently applauding his actions.

Now I was okay with a protest to keep a dumb statue of some war looser. It's going to be taken down, but let them protest, right? Then it turned into some scary white power parade. I was not cool with that. They were threatening, domineering, and generally scary carrying fire, not candles, but full on torches. Things were starting to get out of hand. Then a car runs over people!

I'm all for the first amendment, now. But your opinions stop at my door. And nothing is further in my door than fearing being mowed down on the streets. That's fucking terrorism.

And I realize all my opinions come from a setting of white privlage. Everyone having a right to their opinion is scary when that opinion is the speaker wants you dead for the consequences of birth. It's dumb to think that I have the right to say anything about it. So I have the option of staying quiet or saying my opinion.

My opinion is that white supremacists are stupid and need to learn the value of love.

Terrorism will not be tolerated.

And what the fuck am I saying. I'm stupid and should shut up and let someone else worry about this. I'm too drunk and far away. I have no money to donate. I'm essentially getting worked up over something I have no power in, nor do I deserve a voice since I'm white and middle class. Sure I'm probably bi, but I can't prove it, sure I'm female, but that means squat in this case. Sure I'm pagan, but I'm not really open about it.

There isn't enough wine in the house to deal with my emotions.

Fail

quitting smoking was a fail. I picked up a pack of cigarettes at the gas station while picking myself my lunch.

Diet was a fail I went to cicis for a fundraiser for cats.

Things I wanted to do today:
Test my costume for the larp
Dishes
Laundry
Go for a run

Instead I lay around exhausted.

In unrelated news, I miss having a best friend to talk about these things with. I mean, I have a lot of friends, but no one really close. I miss sharing everything with a person. Everything from poop stories to small victories and back to trials and tribulations. I look at my phone constantly. There's nothing really better to do when you're laying in bed. I see people bantering back and forth, and I just feel like I'm missing out on something. In real life it's much the same.

I'm just whining, but it's the way I feel today.

I think larping will satisfy my needs. Having more of a since of community in my life will help this lonely feeling.

Smoking

I'm quitting smoking, and damn it's hard. Seriously smoking is all I'm thinking about. Last night I couldn't sleep and I wanted to go out and smoke. But I didn't have anymore cigarettes so I spent 45 minutes trying to hunt down my boyfriends pack. Thank goodness I didn't find it. I ended up chewing on some nicotine gum instead. Then this morning I woke up and my routine is to drink coffee and smoke two cigarettes outside. I'm instead craving cigarettes wondering if I can quit more slowly, like ween myself off cigarettes slowly. But I know I can quit cold turkey.

All I can think about is smoking.

I remember buying my first pack of cigarettes. I was at a wake for a coworkers funeral and I was really feeling it. The death, the problems in my relationship, money problems.  I wanted a drink to chill me out, but my boss was there and she said no. So I went across the street to a 7-11 and bought myself a pack.

I want to walk over to the gas station and pick up a pack. I won't but I want to.

And I have to be careful about zombie laura walking over there and smoking. It's happened before. I'm cleaning or something then the next thing I know I'm walking to the gas station, or I'm out shopping and I ask for a pack at the checkout.

And the thing about smoking is no matter how gross and aweful you know it is, you still want it. I know it stinks, it yellows my teeth, it increases my risk of cancer significantly, and it makes it harder to breathe. Plus it's expensive. I want to quit for so many reasons, but I also want to smoke.

sleep study verdict

After days of being too tired to work I finally went into my sleep study follow up appointment. And the verdict after all of the suffering is that I do in fact have sleep apnea. I have a moderate case. Insurance will not be paying for the cpap machine. My parents will. (I'm lucky)

So now I just wait for the cpap company to call me to get my cpap machine. I was hoping to get it before I left on my road trip, but it's not looking like the case.

Another thing I need to do is loose weight. So starting tomorrow I count my calories. I'd start today but I'm probably already over.

After I get the cpap machine I'm going to start the couch to 5k app. I'll wake up run then have breakfast. I'll also alternate that with some muscle training. I'm going to be tired, but not as tired as I have been.

I'll also need to work on the house. It's turned into a total sty. So habitica will need to become a thing again. I've been way too tired lately. I'm looking forward to having more hours in my day!

Another exhausted day

I'm tired. Not news (I'm always tired), but today is pretty bad. I want to do laundry and play my guitar, but I'm still trying to get awake. Get awake is a funny phrase, but being awake seems like a tangible object just out of reach.

I wanna fix my bike and go for a ride.

I want to go hunt Pokémon downtown.

I want to clean my house.

I want to do anything but lay here.

But there's a weight on my chest and arms. It crawls down my legs. It says, "lay down, and sleep." My eyes are heavy, and I can't stop yawning.

The sleep tech said that my oxygen levels were normal. Does that mean I don't have sleep apnea? Is it just a problem with my dreams?

Adventures in Sarahah part I

I don't talk about Joe much on here or anywhere really. This is out of respect for my relationship. But I love Joe, and we have a healthy fulfilling relationship. So imagine my surprise when I get a message on sarahah telling me I need to dump joe.

Speaking of joe, he got me some new enamel pins for no reason...just to make me happy. They are cute Wonder Woman pins. I think I will wear one on Friday to the party I'm going to. I'll show them off tomorrow because I'm curled up next to my man right now.

Im not dumping Joe. Not because I fear life without him, but because I'm honestly the happiest I've ever been with anyone. Someone read my relationship wrong.

Sleep study part II

It was a rough night. Those wires they hooked up to me were just not comfortable. And they hooked up this nose thing that kept poking me. I tossed and turned, but I still managed not to detach any wires.

When I woke up, the tech took off my wires and we chatted. Apparently I don't dream as much as I'm supposed to. That's bad, not aweful I guess but it seems to be why I'm so tired all the time. I'll find out more at my follow up appointment on the ninth.

I wonder what it means that I'm not dreaming, and I wonder what causes it. My research buddy, Google, is not turning up answers. I wonder if I'm not dreaming, or if I'm not getting into R.E.M. Sleep at all. She said I'm only getting 1/4 the amount of dreaming I need so I wonder.

At least I know now that there is actually something wrong with me...that makes me feel validated. Now that I know something is wrong all I have to do is fix it. And then I can get back to a normal, healthy, productive life. That's exciting!

Unless they can't do anything about it...then I'm in trouble. But I'm going to hope that my doctor can fix my broken mind.

Sleep study

Today is my sleep study and I'm already half asleep. To entertain you until tomorrow here is a pic of me wired up.