Nature hike pictures

I went on a nature hike with my mom the other day. It was exhausting, but both mom and I got really good pictures. The first one is westeria. If you know what any others are, please comment.

I  named this tree Baba Yaga's Claw. It looks like a chicken leg.

Shigata ga nai

Roughly translated shikata ga nai means "it can't be helped" in Japanese. Now, I'm not up on the deeper cultural meaning, but I think it parallels the Asatru philosophy of everything being planed by the Norns so there's no use fussing.

I dropped my phone in the parking lot at the aquarium. The screen is all shattered and cracked now. The thing is...

Shikata ga nai.

It can't be helped I can't change it. I'm not going to fuss.

Just have to save up for a new phone now. I have trade in value so I'll just need to save $100 or 2 I guess.

Triple chins: on why I make pictures goofy

I've been taking a lot of selfies lately because I know no one else is taking pictures of me. That's not me feeling sorry for myself. I just literally notice everyone taking selfies and no pictures of me so I fill the void. Yet I always make the goofiest pictures I can muster. Case and point from Girl's night a few nights ago (part of my ongoing expression of my need to get out more)

And even when someone else is taking a picture of me, I can't just smile. I tend to make faces in those pictures too. 

Joe pointed this out to me without realizing it, and it really got me thinking. Why can't I take a serious picture?

I think what it comes down to is a deep fear that I'm not pretty/badass/or otherwise worthy of having a picture taken of me. If I can't be worthy to take the best picture possible, I feel like taking the goofiest and most obnoxious picture possible is the only resort.

It's been a hot minute since I felt pretty or badass; both of which I deeply desire. And no matter what the actual facts are, I feel awkward, silly, weird, ugly, hulking, and have I mentioned awkward? I think my goofy pictures are a subconscious attempt to play to my strengths, even if others don't view them as strengths. It's all I feel I have. 

I suppose now that I've noticed the pattern I'll try and remember that I'm a human worthy enough to be pictured as I normally am. 

I learned computers

So Joe is redoing his gaming computer and he used the extra parts from his old rig and various other computers laying around to build me a better gaming computer. This is an amazing gift. It's not mine for keeps, but as long as Joe is dating me I can use it ( I have my own portable harddrive if things go south for us)

What's a more amazing gift is Joe let me help build my machine and I learned so much! I learned about the power supply, the video card and how they are plugged into the motherboard. I harvested my own harddrive but Joe plugged it in. But after he explained everything. 

We've yet to plug it in because the monitor needs an adapter but I can play on another computer till then.

Between being alive and living

There is a difference between being alive and living. As a person who has been through rape, abuse, neglect, I've been isolated and alone, and finally bound to a bed I know a lot about living to survive. Loving is something you do when there's no other option.

I lived every day of my life because that was what had to be done. 

I was alive once. I left my husband and started a new amazing life. I was poor, lived in a squatter. I worked till I would hate myself. But I was living. I was happy and alive. I'd honestly never been happier than when I lived off the sweat of my brow and a great deal of cunning. That's when Joe came into my life. It was a bright point in a bad life. I don't have many good years. New Mexico during 5th to 6th grade, my last year of high school, and when I left my husband.

They aren't many bright points like that. But leaving my husband I took off the mantle and I gained freedom 

I died once. Not literally, but sometime when I was alone durring the worst of my sickness, I gave up my life to live. I quit and let the disease take my body. I said goodbye to the person I was and the life I knew. I let the person I was die so I could figure out how to be the person with the disability. It's hard to explain, but I gave in.

I wanted to die. I even tried. I had the pills in my hand. I almost popped them. I guess it doesn't count if you think about it because I didn't swallow. But at the time there was nothing but me and those pills and the end of my pain. But some part of me, a small part of me got control and got help. I still think I overreacted a bit, but I knew if I didn't get help there was nothing keeping me from ending it. 

That's all behind me now. I am not the wife, the person with the pills. I am not the victim or the trapped daughter. I am something different and new. I am a woman trying to find happiness with a disability.

Now I want to be alive again, but what is the difference between being alive and living?

I have always felt the most alive when I'm happy. I feel balanced and in touch with the world. I felt the best when I could leave my house and see people that make me feel like I meant something to them, like I was irreplaceable. I felt alive when I had control to go where I wanted and do what pleases me. I felt alive taking risks and making choices I might regret.

I need to start doing that again. So starting when I'm paid, I'm going to start walking places. There's a park nearby that I haven't fully explored, and I love reading books in nature. I'm going to take the bus on my own and go to a bar on my own. I'm going to do what makes me feel alive.

Yes, that means getting a job too. I'll print out some resumes and go around downtown looking for jobs that I can do: back office work, maybe a night stocker or something. I hear that Librarians need help stocking books, and I do love me some Books.

And when I can develop, I'll drive to my friends house on a whim because I'm lonely. I'll drive into the mountains because I want to be alone. Hell I'll go camping on my own! I'll go fishing and think deep thoughts.

I think that's the difference between living and being alive: control.

St Baldrick's Day 2017

I've decided for my birthday next year I'm going to shave my head again for children's cancer research! That's right, I'm going to participate in St Baldricks Day!

Now, for the past year or so I've been planning hundreds of weddings that will never happen because I'm bored. This is a thing that can actually happen and actually help people. I can't believe that I hadn't thought of it myself. Joe had to think up the idea for me.

So I'm going to host a dinner fundraiser where I shave my head. I'd love for others to join me in shaving. Then we could have additional fun doing a shave design contest for the people shaving us. More fun, you know?

So far I've got to find an indoor venue, I've got to write letters to see if I can get food donations, I've got to write for donations for the cause to local businesses.  It's going to be a big thing I plan. I want to raise $5,000 as my goal.

I probably won't do the party part, but the fundraising I will be doing!

Trying for a Job

I'm trying to apply for a job once I can drive. It's a big girl job that will be a major challenge for me as it involves a lot of reading and writing. I'm hoping with all of my adaptations that I'll be able to do it easily. I've been all bluster and confidence with my friends, but I'm really not sure I'm ready.

They're always hiring so the date doesn't really matter as long as my skill se6t is there, and even though it may not be, I'll be damned if I don't try.

My friend is going to be trying for the job soon, and I already have 2 friends who work there, so it would be neat to work there. The one problem I forsee is I have no technical degree or experiance. I'm going to try anyway because I know I can do the job well if given the patience to figure out how to work with my disability.

Honestly, even though I'd like to get the job, the terror of not getting it and feeling useless may be a more powerful force. I'm hoping that working with the Disability and their Ticket to Work program will help.

Iron Maiden and Lipstick

Wrongness, thats the only way I can describe my feelings as of late. I feel out of place with my friends, like there's a shell sitting where I should be, and they don't even notice the corn husk doll that's replaced me. When I'm alone there is nothing but my to-do list and sometimes not even that.

The only time I feel complete lately is when I'm singing loudly off key to anything I know the words to. I've been working on learning metal lyrics, but I actually need to read what they are most of the time because the singers sound like they're vomiting into the microphone. I think that's part of the appeal...just screaming. I totally get that right now.

Cody said we're going to start a Black Metal band where I just Tourett's scream into a microphone. I thought it was funny.

I'm wearing some new lipstick right now. I guess it makes me feel more human. Joe hates lipstick cuz he can't kiss me. But it really makes me feel something. It's a powerful sensation of self control, but I feel something.

When the man comes around

I've been thinking a lot about life, death, and the meaning of it all. Am I really Pagan? I know I'm not Christian. What do I want out of life? What do I want my life to mean? What do I want out of death?

I only know one thing for certain, and that's how I want my body treated after death. I don't care what happens to my stuff. As far as I care it can be sold to pay for my funeral. My pets need a good home. At the moment Willow would probably go to Joe. Rowan to my parents, and Balsa to ether Fish or my cousin Cora. My body I want it stripped naked and buried in a Natural Cemetery. (hats a cemetary that doesn't do coffins and headstones. There's one almost in town) I have nothing of value that I want buried with me.

Currently I guess I may be leaning more towards Atheistic Pagan with Asatru philosophy. The only poem I want read is:

"Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep"

 Mary Elizabeth Frye

Do not stand at my grave and weep.

I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft star that shines at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there; I did not die.

Blue hair

I was in the pharmacy after an awful day of trying to get my meds squared away and the stress of having to ask my parents for money to cover the $700 medicine. So I told Joe to pick me out some hair dye. It didn't matter what color. I was feeling self destructive and hair dye was the least problematic option.

Joe got me a delightful dark blue. It's so dark blue that it's black. In the sun you can see it, but in normal light it just looks black. I have included for your entertainment the process pictures.

Birthday

My boyfriend's birthday is today. I just wanted to take a moment and tell the world, even if it's my small blogger world that no one really reads, how happy I am he was born. He is an amazing man who is one of the more authentic and kind people I've ever met. Every day I look to him for inspiration on how to become a better person.

Happy Birthday, Joe!

Putting in the Seed

A friend gave m back my book of Robert Frost Poetry. For funsies I opened to a random page and I hit a poem and this is the sexiest poem I have ever read I think. I don't remember it being sexy before, but damn son! This poem is straight sex made through nature and spring metaphor. and since Spring is here, and I just planted one of 2 plant beds, I thought I'd share.

Putting in the Seed

Robert Frost

YOU come to fetch me from my work to-night
When supper’s on the table, and we’ll see
If I can leave off burying the white
Soft petals fallen from the apple tree.
(Soft petals, yes, but not so barren quite,	5
Mingled with these, smooth bean and wrinkled pea;)
And go along with you ere you lose sight
Of what you came for and become like me,
Slave to a springtime passion for the earth.
How Love burns through the Putting in the Seed	10
On through the watching for that early birth
When, just as the soil tarnishes with weed,
The sturdy seedling with arched body comes
Shouldering its way and shedding the earth crumbs.

Friend camp April 2016

Getting ready for camp went smoothly. I packed my stuff into a little blue bag 3 days before camping happened (I was excited) And we went grocery shopping the day before where I spent way too much on food I didn't particularly want to begin with. I haven't been craving sweets lately and I got cereal bars, apples, and dried fruit. What was I thinking. All I wanted all the time was meat, nuts, and protein.

But Joe let me wear his hat and Fish let me wear his sunglasses so I was good despite the amazingly bright and sunny day. I was actually active in us packing up the pick up truck and trailer thanks to my new pills not making my brain weirdness and my body spasums go completely away. I felt normal! Which was delightful save for the fact that almost 2 years of being bed ridden has left me weak and frail (despite my 200 lb bulk)

But the point is I actually was helpful!

We met my friend Jess at her house and drove down to camp. It's a really nice back woods setup that is free to camp. Jess found out about it by being charming as she always is and making friends so easily. Jess also dressed up in this amazing outfit that made her look completely badass. With Joe dressed up too I found my lazy camping outfit sorry and lacking. But I was too comfortable and excited to care too much. There's always next campout.

We parked the trailer and got to work setting up camp. I was actually helpful in setting up Megatent (a 30x15 ft ^2 tent we crowded 8 people into 6 with huge ass cots.

We started drinking as SOON as we made it to camp. I only really drank beer/mead/cider the whole time I was there save for the bottle of water I had before bed each night with my pills. Still I was completely fine. No hangover at all, although I never got proper drunk either. I was drinking for flavor not to get drunk.

Joeseph made a war banner for when we go camping. He refused apicture with it so I'm going to let his artwork speak for itself. It's this mondo tiki torch that he spent hours making into a post-apocoliptic banner. 

After we got things mostly set up, Jess the Princess of History and Nature took me on a nature hike. 

This is Bloodroot. It is a protected species native to the Virginia area because it only grows in untouched areas. It grows in early spring when not much is blooming to tide over the pollinators till it gets more flowery. The American Indians would make red dye from the roots to paint themselves with. Also LOOK AT THAT PRETTY DAMN FLOWER! 

Jess found an ass ton of salamander eggs! This cluster we spent cooing over for a while. Look at all the baby salamanders! They were so cute and one of them was about to hatch! Don't worry, we put it back.

Look at all those baby salamanders! We dicided to call the camp Salamadastron! Because Redwall? and salamanders!

They were all over the creek that bordered our camp on 2 sides. It was magical!

Jess found a mama! She could tell because the yellow little belly had little spots and not big spots.

And then she found one of our evening musicians, the Spring Peeper. They lulled us to bed every night we were out there. We chased most of them away by being loud, but they were excellent company.

It was about this time that my phone got its first crack in it.

Then I found some pretty flowers that Jess said were called Blueit. They looked like big forget me nots!

That was Fish (Who is 6'5") with our fancy Megatent.

And as I was peeing I found some pretty frond! This is my favorite native species of plant!

The unfortunate part is peeing did not go well. I bought myself a standing peeing female device...but it didn't fit...so I peed all over myself. This is a picture of me air drying because wetwipes can only do so much after your Go-Girl overflowes all over your pants. 

Oh, and Jess decorated camp as always, and it looked so amazingly OMG pretty like usual. She also found some feathers and wafted sage around our vulgar selves to purify us.

The next morning (No evening pictures because I wanted to focus on having a good time) Travis got up early and made us 6 lbs of bacon and 5 dozen eggs. 10 of us in total polished off that mess easily. For lunch Justin made us italian sausage, peppers and onions, and then for dinner we got the double punch of Jess's amazing chili and Cody's salt brine chicken legs. I did not go hungry Saturday.

This was my peeing tree. I wanted to point out that I walked the 100 meters from camp to this tree, both day and night, on my own without help. I was so elated!

This is a picture of food fire.

OH! And we went on another nature walk. 

While I was out there I made a small alter to the land spirits and offered a full cigarette of tobacco to them.

This is one of many penis candles around camp.

Fatty making a fat face

Travis brought his boat but forgot the oars...so he and a couple other camp members spent the day making an oar...as in they cut down a tree with a chainsaw and carves a mother fucking oar. It was done when we left so it never got used.

We had a marine with us so we had an american flag out too! 'MERICA!

My boys spent a full 30 minutes trying to get the trailer outside of  camp. But when everyone jumped into help when they were having the most trouble things clicked.

On our way out one of our buddies had a flat. Joe immediately stopped to help fix it! My Joe is so thoughtful that way.