I figured it out

I used to be a good singer. I mean, I'd never win American Idol, but I had enough talent to be pleasant to listen to. Since this Tourette's-FND-whatever the fuck I have, I just can't sing. I used to love singing too, I'm out of tune and what grace I could have gotten is eclipsed by this weird fucking accent. I'm a pain to hear.

How do I fix it? Practice. I have to practice my "th" as well as singing in tune. Practice! Practice! Practice!

So I ask my adoring fans: What is your favorite song to sing along to? Give me music to practice to!

I've been thinking about my goals for 2017:

1) Work full time
2) Lose 80 lbs
3) Publish
4) Register for classes
5) Volunteer weekly somewhere.
6) Start Sanctuary October 2017
7) Pay off $1000 dollars of debt
8) Have a well maintained flower garden.
9) Do 2 5ks
10) LARP 4x a year
11) Take the cats in for a yearly checkup.
12) Maintain Laundry, litterbox, and dishes.
13) Shower & Brush Teeth Daily. Use deodorant after every shower.
14) Send Christmas Cards
15) Finish Family Tree to Great Grandparents
16) Go on a cruise.
17) Get out Christmas Thank You cards by January 15th.
18) Post updates on the progress on my blog once a week.
19) Have Costumes Ready for Katsucon.
20) Play with Rowan 20 minutes a Day
21) Do Spanish and Japanese Language Programs every day by the end of the year.

Songless but happy

Well, I had my first day of subbing. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't good either. I taught middle school math, specifically the 6th grade. The student were nousy and out of their seats all the time. They were mostly good kids, just not on task at all and super chatty.

I only had a half day but I was so exhausted afterwards it was rediculous. I took 3 naps and then still fell asleep quickly at bed time. Then I woke up 11 hours after I fell asleep. Im so glad I waited for a half day to come across my desk.

I also gamed last night. I couldn't tell you what we did, aside the fact I used all my spells to heal a mushroom man. I don't remember driving home either. That's pretty dangerous and looking back on it it probably wasn't a good move.

The good news is I felt welcomed into the group I've felt distance from since the election. That to me as worth the danger.

So the main sources of my depression have come and gone. Now I really need to clean my house. It is an absolute sty.

I want more music in my life. I've lost touch with music. It sounds strange and foreign now. I don't like a lot of the new music coming out though, and besides I have no real method of listening to it. What I miss is listening to music as a group or singing loudly in the car. I used to sing all the time and now I find my soul songless. I guess I cut it out of my life when I stopped watching tv too. I mean it happened around the same time. I think I need speaker for my computer so I can listen to music more.


Well, I'm on to clean my house!

Fun post

 I am sick. Like, I ate something bad. So to help me feel better I'm going to post a blog full of nothing but what my middle autocorrect button suggests.

"a good picture with my parents I am a good friend to my friend who is also my aunt aunt I am a good aunt a good aunt friend and a good friend friend who had been on a good friend today she said that I was a aunt aunt I am so happy"

And now the left button.

"Is I am so happy to be a good aunt aunt I love you so much I love you so happy I love you so much I love you so happy I love you so much I love you so happy I love you so much I love you so happy "

And since the right gets left out.

"of my life and she said I'm having fun at school and she just told her she needs a good job lol I'm sorry to be the way you do that she wants me too much but you can do anything with her."

Skip this. It's depressing.

I'm feeling pretty depressed and a little suicidal today. Depression is hard, let's be real for a moment. Depression is seriously hard. Pills help, but it's always there waiting for your weakness to show. It wants to kill you. It wants to kill me. I'm stronger than suicide.

I'm worthless. I can't work, as much as I'd love to, there hasn't been a day where I could have gotten through a full day of work without falling asleep. I give myself the illusion that I'm working, but let's face it. Since getting the subbing job I have taken zero gigs. I just haven't felt well enough.

I'm afraid of both rabid trump and Clinton supporters. I feel like I could lose friendships I treasure just because I didn't vote the right way. I really don't have many friends. I have lots of aquantances. Friends are something I have in short supply. After I got sick friends just stopped wanting to be a part of my life. Now I'm walking on eggshells to keep from upsetting the ones I have. I shouldn't have to, but there it is.

Even gaming, the thing I do to forget my world I suck at. I can't hold my own in it. Even bejeweled seems to be out to get me.

I'm cold.

I'm lonely.

And I don't see Any value in being this cold, lonely, and worthless.

At least I haven't had a ciggarette in 11 days.

Shopping feels good

I house sit for my parents and as result got paid some money. Because of this I went on a shopping spree. Now, most would think this meant I got a bunch of stuff I didn't need, but for me this meant fresh fruits and veggies, some deodorant and face wash, and as a splurge I got myself some hair dye. 

I made an epic salad with radish, kale, spinach, cucumber, peppers, mushrooms and craisens. I made 4 of them. One for today, and 3 for work this week. Starting tomorrow I go to work.

I got oranges and grapes. English muffins for breakfast as well as low fat microwave meals for lunches. I need to get a head start on losing weight.

And I got face soap. I seriously need it. The soap I have is way too gentle on my acne prone skin. As a result I've been dealing with some seriously painful acne.

Now I'm going to take a nap because I didn't sleep well last night. Elections and all.

Later tonight i will dye my hair and play some WoW

The end of the world has happened, and it's all my fault.

I voted Libertarian.

I should have voted for Clinton because Clinton lost without my vote.

It doesn't matter if I voted for what I believe.

It doesn't matter that I've always voted Libertarian.

It doesn't matter because my vote should have been someone else's to use.

I have no morals.

I am the worst.

It's my fault black people are going to die and Mary can't marry Susan.

Every social injustice is now on my hands.

There is now blood on my hands.

And I'm to blame because I don't care that my friends voted for Trump.

I'm to blame because I am still friends with Libertarians.

I'm to blame because I don't care if my friends were democrat.

I'm to blame because I think friendship goes beyond politics.

I'm a shame to the voter pool.

I should just give up my right to vote.

But now everyone is going to die and the world has ended.

We've never had a Republican president before.

We can't turn back now.

We will never be able to vote again.

I'm going to hell.

*facedesk*

Can we move to 3 weeks from now when I'm not the villan?

Sly as a fox

I have seen a fox almost every day since coming to my parent’s house. She’s a beautiful thing a black underbelly and a white mussed face. I don’t know if it’s male or female actually, i’m just putting a gender on it. It makes writing easier. She’s stared at me at least 3 times. It was wonderful! Nothing magical,  it just gives me a childish thrill when a wild animal aknowleges me.

While out doing my spell I heard owls too. There is so much wildlife in this area. I even think I heard a raven!

I’m on a diet for my cruise trip. It’s so hard. I’m constantly hungry. I also have to convence myself that I will eat again. Mom has been so good about keeping me on track. She reminds me that i need to keep my meals small and my snacks healthy.

I’ve been ciggarette free for 4 days!

I head to Boston tonight. I’m excited about flying. I love flying. Pulling Gs is thrilling in a way that nothing else is. I’d choose it above sex and food too. And then I love airports too. Seeing people running around in their own worlds makes me feel almost empathic.

Speaking of empathy, I’ve been having problems feeling all but the most intence emotions lately. Once when the cat got out and another time when the cubs won. Even then I didn’t feel the emotions so much as I recognized the physical effects of the emotions. I wonder if my antidepressents have something to do with it, or if it’s my disaccocitive disorder.  I wonder how I can start feeling emotions again. I mean aside visiting my therapist. I’m sure it would help if I had a friend who i trusted with my emotions. I’ve had a couple, but they stopped talking to me as much. Even Joe has been too busy. It’s kind of lonely not having a friend I can count on.

I’m doing better at not sleeping all day. I’m hoping this means I’ll be able to substitute starting Wednesday. Hopefully for a full day.

I got this!

Cruising

I’m going on a cruise! In early May my mother and I are going on a cruise to the Bahamas on Norwegian Cruiselines. It’s a 4 day cruise that mommy got for free for resisiting a sales pitch at the timeshare. I’m so excited.

So we start out in Miami. From there we have three stops. The first one is the Grand Bahama Island (The name sounds a bit pretentious.) While we’re there we’ll go kayaking somewhere pretty (And knock it off my bucket list). After that we hit Nassau where we’ll swim with dolphins (another thing off my bucket list) then we hit up the cruise’s private island called Great Stirrup Cay where we relax on the beach. Then we head back to Maimi.

Best of all the drinks on the cruise are free. It’s an open bar, yo! I’m going to get so drunk on pina coladas.

We’ll also take an extra few days and visit family in Florida. We have family in Orlando and Tampa. i love family so this sounds amazing to me! It’ll be the perfect trip!

Holy crap!!

The Cubs won the World Series! My whole family is stoked. Grandpa was the biggest Cubs fan I know of. We're talking about laying a Cubs pennant on his grave.

Oh my God we won!!

What I am not.

I went to a Wiccian Ritual tonight. It was nice. The people were nice. The ritual itself was nice. It wasn’t my thing I think. I mean there were certain elements that I liked and enjoyed, but there were things I definatly didn’t. Mostly the whole “Goddess” thing. It just didn’t ring true.

One thing I liked was a message. One of the group member’s passed this year. Aparently she had a list of things she wanted to do, but never did. The ritual leader spoke about how you never know when you’re going to die, and you have to live your life unabashedly. I also met a guy who said he had a spiritual death and rebirth recently. He was really annoying, but I understood that part of what he was talking about.

A part of me died when the past year. The whole being bedridden thing really did point out my own frail mortality. There were certain parts of me, mostly fear and pretentiousness, that died. I live my life saying yes as often as I can. I want to be an active part in my own life and not play a passive roll, not because of obligation, but because of a genuine thirst to experiance. Or at least that’s what I’d like to believe.

Something that rang true was calling the ancestors. I think I’m just really a family girl. Family is very important to me. I don’t think I’ll ever have a family that leads to me being an ancestor. I’d have to spawn for that. I’ve discovered I just don’t want that. I like my freedom a bit too much. Hopefully one of my kid brothers will spawn or adopt. Hell, maybe I’ll get married again and have it stick. I at least want a partner to go on adventures with, to learn with, to savor the amazing parts of life.

I’m wired on caffine. I want to dance around a fire. I want to drive to somewhere new and explore. I want to drink wine with my friends and live.

I think that’s the feeling I came back from the ritual with. I want to live.

Okay, so I have this feeling. I’ve scratched something off my bucketlist this week (Carve a pumpkin). I got news that I I get to cross off another one this year (Go on a cruise) What else can I do to facilitate this feeling in my life. I believe I do this by accomplishing goals.

2016 Goals:
1) Quit smoking (Starting Nov 1st no more ciggarettes.)
2) Lose weight (be 194 lbs by New Years. 1300 cal a day. Couch to 5k every other day. Weights every other day.)
3) Do 2 more 5k’s (I have one on my nightstand. Do it by December 1st. I need to register for one more by Jan 1st.)
4) Write Christmas Cards (By Thanksgiving. Start collecting addresses now.)
5) Finish my novel (By January 1st. 500 words a day starting November 8th)
6) Get a job (Work 2 days a week begining December 1st)
7) Alpha test Santuary again (Sometime before December 31st)
8) Find a new place to volunteer at. (Check into the Community Center as well as United Way.)
9) Improve hygine (Shower daily. Use deoderent every time. Brush teeth twice daily.)
10) Find a new LARP (Write a list to try in 2017.)
11) Meditate daily starting November 2nd.
12) Go to a Friends-giving party.
13) Finish making my shelf.

As to my wanderlust, Friday I go to Boston. Sunday I visit Salem and historical Boston. I will take lots of pictures.



PS: How about those Cubs!? Did they win? I don’t know. Bottom of the 8th and we’re 6-3. I hope we win. The umpire seems a bit biased though.

Housesitting

So I’m at myparents house, and I just got access to my blogger (by stealing my mom’s computer). Curse iOS for not having the blogger app anymore! I did bring my computer, but it has no WiFi so it’s useless for everything but playing minecraft and listening to audiobooks.

Speaking of audiobooks, I’m 4 books into the Dresdin Files as read by James Marsters. I’m super liking it so far! it’s been a while since I had a fictional narritive where I understood everything that was going on. I’ve been reading the Pern series by Ann McCaffery, and half the time I don’t understand wht’s going on. My reading comprehension isn’t as good as it once was. I still enjoy the novel and challenging myself is the only way to get my reading comprehension back up. So it’s nice to have a straight forward story that I understand. I mean, it’s not like I can watch TV either.

Anyway, I’m having a blast at my parents house. I’ve ligitimately gained 5 lbs since coming here. I’m not sure whether to blame Halloween candy, or the fact my parents have many good foods around the house. Either way, a strict diet is about to ensue. 60 lbs overweight is way too much.

As to my vices, i’ve given up ciggarettes. I still use my e-cig, but i just don’t crave ciggarettes anymore. I’m sure that will change once I get home and Joe starts smoking them around me. Let me tell you, it’s hard not smoking when people around you smoke. Lets just hope I don’t want ciggarettes anymore and I don’t have to deal with temptation.

I did my Halloween ritual. On 12:30 am on October 31st instead of my normal 12:00 November 1st. I figured that I should do it before all the trick or teaters ran amuck. So as Halloween rolled in I snuck into a local park that isn’t visited often. It was scary for me. I was so scared someone would call the cops on me, but they didn’t. I had a good ritual. I said a spell for prosperity for Joe, Rowan, Willow and I for the coming year. It was nice and fun.

I dressed up as Wednesday Adams for Halloween. It was  pretty easy costume, and more than a handful of people identified me correctly. I went to Boo at the Zoo with my friend’s kid and her lovely mommy.

I carved a pumpkin which is one of the things on my bucket list. I’m very excited about it. I got many compliments on it too. It was a brilliand pumpkin to begin with. It was warted and huge! 

I made pumpkin cookies too!

I did a lot of knitting while here too. I finished Granny’s pot holder 1 of 2, and knit a scarf for Aunt Doris. Rowan and Willow helped me a lot in the process. 

Also they are so super cute!

A lot of other things have happened. The most important is the news mom brought back with her. WE’RE going on a Mommy-Daughter cruise to the Bahamas!

The cruise has an open bar and visits Nassau as well as its own private island! I am stoked! We don’t have a solid date yet, but it’s giving me an excuse to lose weight. I want to look good in a swim suit. It’s time to diet and exercise hard.

The good news is I haven’t been as exhausted since my spell (Who cares if it’s magic or psycological. If it works it works.) I’m going to try for the gym as well as doing my substitute teaching.

I head to Boston to visit my friend Chewie on Friday. I get to party and drink with him. I get to visit with his wife too! It’s super exciting. What’s more Chewie is going to take me to local historical places. Some in Boston as well as Salem.

Good things are coming my way. I’m excited for the amazing things in my future!

Halloween Excitement

Halloween is coming up. It's my favorite holiday. It as always been my favorite holiday. Only recently has it gained a ritualistic significant. Starting last year I set out food for the ancestors as it's the time of year to honor them. I leave it out all night then bury it in the morning. I also do a rune reading for the coming year as this holiday marks the anniversary of me becoming pagan. 

I'm also thinking of doing a ritual to bring prosperity to my family too, but I have no idea where to start with any of it. 

I'll be at my parent's house for the next 2 weeks to house sit. The problem is I'll have my Great Aunt and my little brother around the house. Although my little brother knows I'm not Christian, I don't think my Aunt Doris would take too kindly to the fact so I have to do all my rituals on the sly. 

I'm also going to the Zoo's Halloween trick-or-treating thing with a friend and her little girl. I'm going as Wednesday Adams. I have a wig, the dress, and the makeup all ready!

Then November 4th I head up to Boston to visit a friend for his birthday. He's being super generous and flying me up. I'm really looking forward to drinking with him all day Saturday and then having him take me somewhere historical on that Sunday.

Again to Halloween, it's too bad I have no relatives buried near me. I would set out offerings on their tombstone a'la Day of the Dead (really all cultures have a day honoring the dead by giving offerings. Modern day offerings are just flowers and not food. Pre-Christian Europe honored the dead with offerings of food and stuff as well so it's not really cultural appropriation, or so I tell myself.)

Prepping for the journey is proving to be more challenging than I thought. I have a huge backlog of laundry. Packing is going to be difficult as I only have a duffel bag to pack my ritual gear and my clothes. 

I suppose that I will have a lot of time to blog in coming weeks. With luck I'll actually follow through.

12 Day Japan Trip

As a sample of what I've been doing lately, I introduce to you a sample trip I have planned. A 12 day Japanese Holiday during Sakura Matsuri (Cherry Blossom Festival). This holiday knocks out several bucket list items including kiss under Tokyo Tower and See the Cherry Blossoms in Japan. The total for this trip is surprisingly inexpensive, or rather less expensive than I thought it would be. The Total for a 12 day trip touring my favorite places in Japan is only $7500 for 2 people. It's about the same price as a 3 day in Rome. For the sake of the itenerary I'm going to assume that Joe is the person who goes with me. (Non of these pictures are mine. I post a website where I got them)

So we fly into Tokyo late on Saturday night and crash in a Coffin Hotel. This is mainly for convenience. Also, It's kind of cool.

https://shikibook.wordpress.com/travel/hotels/

In the morning we get up and hit a convenience store for breakfast. We'll say Onigiri because it is delicious! Also Convenience stores in Japan have quality food from all the blogs I've read.

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2010/03/japanese-rice-balls-have-them-your-way/37447/

Then we head to Harajuku bridge. On Sunday all the fashionistas and cosplayers hang out on that bridge. So Joe and I would wander around taking pictures of crazy Japanese fashions.

After that we head to Tokyo Tower. This is one of my "Must Do" stops. It is featured in a lot of animes that I love. Plus I hear it's good luck to kiss under Tokyo tower. Whats more it provides a fantastic view of Mt. Fuji. So Joe and I get a picture together of us kissing under the tower, and get a couple picture with Mt. Fuji.

By No machine-readable author provided. Fg2 assumed (based on copyright claims). - No machine-readable source provided. Own work assumed (based on copyright claims)., Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=1684317

After a few hours at Tokyo Tower we head to Shibuya Crossing and start our shopping experience. Eventually we'll head to Akihabara street. That's where all the Anime stuff is. I will also need a photo booth picture. Purikura photo booths are The Snapchat of photo booths. The amount of filters and stickers you can use to decorate the pictures are incredible. We'll eat lunch at a Maid Cafe in Akihabara. Thats a place where the waitresses are dressed as the most adorable maids. It kinda sets off my feminist buttons, but damnit I want an adorable maid to serve me an esspresso!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Photo_booth#/media/File:Purikura_Booth_2.JPG

Then for dinner we head in for the night life in Shinjuku. We play some pachinko, eat at a street vendor, and go for drinks, and if we meet some interesting locals we'll go out for karaoke. After a night of drinking and gambling we head towards our Air BNB to crash.


airbnb.com

After we wake up and grab some convenience store food for both breakfast and lunch, we head to rent a Kimono and a Yukata, traditional Japanese garb. It's a bit pricey, but I want the full Cherry Blossom viewing experience. Speaking of which, after we rent our outfits we head down to Shinjuku Gyoen. One of the better parks to view cherry blossoms.


We eat lunch there and mill around looking at cherry blossoms. Then we return our outfits and head to a sushi restaurant for dinner. Why? Because Shushi is delicious and getting it straight from Japan is a keen thing to do!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sushi#/media/File:Norwegia_Roll_Salmon_Sushi.jpg

Then we head to our Air BNB for some quiet time and uploading of pictures/blogging.

Day 3 in Japan and we hit two museums: National Museum of Emerging Science and Innovation and the Studio Gibli Museum. I have no idea what's in either of them, but I have a feeling they will be interesting. Breakfast and Lunch are street food, and dinner is at a sit down restaurant.

The next morning we get on the train and head to Kyoto. It's only a few hours so Well have plenty of time to walk the Arashiyama Bamboo grove.

https://www.lonelyplanet.com/a/japan/kyoto/arashiyama-bamboo-grove/pois/sights/1364517/places/1323332

Then we head over to our hotel at Togetsutei Onsen/Ryokan. Onsen means hotspring and Ryokan is a traditional guesthouse that has a traditional breakfast and dinner included. It's not an outdoor hotspring, but I imagine it'll be relaxing anyway.

https://japaneseguesthouses.com/ryokan-single/?ryokan=Togetsutei

On Thursday, day 5, we have a tea ceremony at Koto Tea Garden and those take an hour or so. After the tea ceremony we head over to the Kinkaku-ji, or Golden Pavilion. This is an ancient Buddhist temple with lots of architectural interest. There is also a garden surrounding it. After we are done viewing we pop on back to our hotel for dinner and blogging time.


By Jaycangel - Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=33554210

The next day we head over to an outdoor onsen at Kurama Onsen. There we experiance outdoor hot springs, eat lunch there, then explore the city. Then we'll eat dinner downtown. After dinner we head out and explore the city proper some more. When we are good and tired we'll head to our Air BnB (Ryokans are silly expensive.)

After we wake up on the 7th day, we will bemoan the fact the trip is more than half over. Then we'll head to the Fushimi Inari Shrine to explore the beauty and perhaps leave an offering.

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Torii_gates%E2%80%94Fushimi_Inari_Shrine_(9977683204).jpg

Then we head to Nijo-jo castle which, like the Golden Pavilion is a castle with a beutiful garden. This one was supposed to be silver, but it never was painted.


After all that we hop on a train heading to Nara, My most anticipated place. We'll check into our hotel at Shojoshin-in which is an active Buddhist monastery. Like a Ryokan, it serves breakfast and dinner. However, since they are Buddhist the meals are all vegetarian.

Thje next day we'll visit Nara park where lots of wild deer roam free. We'll pet deer, take pictures of deer, and hold hands commenting on how cute the deer are. Then we visit Todaiji Temple. This is an incredible Buddhist temple that has many works of art and a deep history. After we go to Wakakusayama. It is a park on a mountain. It'll take a bit of climbing, but I hear the view is fabulous.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Q8BvqvxD08

We'll head back to the temple for dinner. The next day,we'll pop by Horyoji Temple which is the world's oldest wooden building. It's another temple that is historically relevant. After we visit the temple we take the train to Hiroshima. We'll sign into our Air BnB and rest as well as blog.

The next morning we'll visit the Hiroshima Peace Park and Hiroshima castle.

http://aichaobang.blogspot.com/2012/01/hiroshima-price-of-peace.html

After we're done we'll hop on a train to Tokyo and fly home.

WTF iOS

So I've been using Blogger for a while now, and most of the time I use it from my phone. However, I went through a long period where my phone was broken. I thought I could manage to not post for a little while. But when I finally get a new phone, and the iOS doesn't have the Blogger app anymore! I can't post from my phone anymore. That means I can't just run around and type from my bed, from the workshop, from the kitchen table. I actually have to stay still and type from my computer. This post took me two days.

As an update:

I finally got a job. I am officially a substitute teacher. Unfortunately, there have been no jobs available since I was hired. So I'm stuck not working. Not that it's necessarily a bad thing as I have to take frequent naps throughout the day. I'm not really sure I'm ready to work yet just because I have this exhaustion factor running rampant in my life. Still, I am going to fight for my income. As much as it makes since to just let disability carry me till I get myself 100%, I really just want to be normal again. That means a normal big girl job. Also, there's a part of me that can't respect myself as a person unless I have a job.

It is frigid in my house. I've shut of the AC and heat and opened the windows. Currently it's 61 degrees in my house. This may not be the smartest moves. But I'm super into saving money at the moment. Having my house heated takes oil (Which I currently can't afford) and AC costs money too. So I wear hats and gloves to bed.

The reason I've been so into saving money this year is I want to go on a cruise next year or the year after. That means I need to save up $2000. This will be difficult considering how much I'm paid, and my total expenses. But I really want to go on a cruise.

Speaking of trips, I've taken to planning lavish vacations lately. I enjoy it. It's similar to planning weddings which I used to do a lot of, but this time it doesn't creep anyone out. I mean, Joe said we'd get married one day. I don't need to pressure him. I just need to relax and trust he knows what's best for the both of us. Plus, when I have my wedding, I want the one I'm getting married to helping me plan it.

So anyway, So far I've planned a couple cruises, a 7 day trip to Rome and a 10 day to Japan (Tokyo, Kyoto, Nara, and Hiroshima). Well, I'm still not done with the Japan trip. I still have to research some of the excursion expenses. After that I'll probably do a 2 week US road trip or a solo trip to New Mexico or maybe plan an all inclusive Bahama or Mexico journey. I don't know, but I find this type of thing super fun.

Bucket List

So I've been working on a couple projects. One of which is my bucket list scrapbook, I got an old artist sketchbook, tea stained and burned the pages to make it look old, and wrote one bucket list item per page. The intent is to paste a picture of me doing the item on each page. Some of wich I've already done, I just need to get a picture and paste it in. I also left about 6 pages blank in case I think of more fun things to do.

The Bucket List:

• Get Married ...again
• Do a Marathon
• Do a 5k
• Go to Burning Man
• Attend a Music Festival
• Do a Zombie Run
• Carve a Pumpkin
• Jump in a Leaf Pile
• Host a Cookie Swap
• Decorate a Christmas Tree
• Send Christmas Cards
• Ride a Mechanical Bull
• Go to a Drive-in
• Visit an Abandoned Building
• Learn to Surf
• Kiss Under the Mistletoe
• Have a Snowball Fight
• Build a Snowman
• Kiss on New Years
• Watch the Sunrise and Sunset
• Be in a Flash Mob
• Visit a Hot-spring
• Sleep in a Haunted House
• Volunteer at a Soup Kitchen
• Get a Tattoo
• Fly on a Private Jet
• Visit Where I Was Born
• Learn to Ballroom Dance
• Witness a Comet
• Skinny Dip
• Float in the Dead Sea
• Go Rock Climbing
• Send a Care Package to a Soldier
• Take Cookies to a Nursing Home
• Make My Family Tree
• Take a Homeless Person Out for Food
• Pay a Stranger's Tab
• Host a Masquerade
• Go Skydiving
• Fly First Class
• Storm Dragoncon
• Have a Portrait Painted
• Camp in the Middle of Nowhere
• Go on a Cruise
• Go on a World Cruise
• Go on an African Safari
• Go Sailing
• Sleep on a Beach
• Do an Obstacle Race
• Drink a Beer at Oktoberfest
• Plant a Tree
• Sit Front Row at a Concert
• Leave Uplifting Notes on Cars
• Attend a Lantern Festival
• Ride a Hot Air Balloon
• Get My Masters
• Publish
• Buy a House
• Get a Massage
• Go Whale Watching
• Dance With the Northern Lights
• Attend a Religious Retreat
• Swim with Dolphins and Manatees
• Dive with Sharks
• Scuba the Great Barrier Reef
• Go Fishing and Eat It
• Witness a Lunar and Solar Eclipse
• Sleep in a Tree House
• Go on an Aid Trip
• Write a Message in a Bottle
• Have a Nudist Vacation
• Go to the Olympics
• Go to the World Cup
• Go to the Opera and Ballet
• Take Archery Lessons
• Start a Family Tradition
• Visit a Pumpkin Patch
• Watch a Meteor Shower
• See a Broadway Musical
• Eat a Chicago Pizza
• Eat a New York Hot Dog
• Eat a Philly Cheese Steak
• Drink Coffee in Seattle
• Have a Beer at an Irish Pub
• Dine in a French Cafe
• Drink Champagne in Champagne
• Eat Gelato in Italy
• View the Cherry Blossoms in Japan
• View the Cherry Blossoms in D.C.
• Go Paint-balling
• Use a Photo-booth
• Order Dessert First
• Go to Mardi Gras
• Adopt a Pet
• Go Bowling
• Stand at Four Corners
• Go Mini-golfing
• Go Laser-tagging
• 1 Milkshake 2 Straws
• Ride a Cable Car
• Shoot a Gun
• Test Drive a Ferrari
• Watch Fireworks in Philadelphia
• Make the Less Fortunate Smile
• Host a Dinner Party
• Holiday in a Log Cabin
• Drive Rt. 1 California
• Make an Art Piece
• Destroy Something
• Host a Bonfire
• Camp from Horseback
• Travel by Train
• Go to a Roller Rink
• Stomp on Wine Grapes
• Go Zip-lining
• Do a Segway Tour
• Visit the Paris Catacombs
• Ride a Helicopter
• Play with Elephants
• Kayak Somewhere Pretty
• Ride a Horse-drawn Carriage
• Attend a Craft Fair
• Kiss Under a Waterfall
• Do a Color Run
• Ride a Roller Coaster
• Host a LAN Party
• Attend a Food-truck Rally
• Visit the Glowworm Cave
• Solve a Jigsaw Puzzle
• Take a Kid Trick-or-Treating
• Be an Extra in a Movie
• Go Whitewater Rafting
• Make My Own Booze
• Join a Sports Team
• Stand on a Glacier
• Go Through a Hedge-maze
• Build a Blanket Fort
• Go on a Hayride
• Go Ice Skating
• Go Caroling
• Fly a Kite
• Visit a Zoo
• Visit the Museum of Natural History
• Ride a Tandem Bike
• Have a New York Christmas and New Years
• Dance in the Rain
• Attend a Summer Camp
• Have a Pillow Fight
• Have a Candle-lit Picnic
• Have a Spa Day
• Spend the Night in a Castle
• Visit a Ghost Town
• Picnic in Central Park
• Gondola in Venice
• Go to a Carnival
• Explore a Cave
• Do the Splits
• Have a Motorcycle Ride
• Visit the Rain Forest
• Visit Stonehenge
• See a Ted Talk
• Experience Zero Gravity
• Drink from a Coconut
• Learn to Hoop Dance
• Visit the 7 Wonders

1. Christ The Redeemer
2. Chichen Itza
3. The Great Wall of China
4. The Roman Colosseum
5. Machu Picchu
6. The Taj Mahal
7. Petra

• Visit The Contenents
• Pee in Every Ocean
• Visit The US States and Territories
• Celebrate my 50th Anniversary

Writers holiday: chapter 6

I find myself with some free time after my I pad ran out of batteries. My days are really bleeding together. All my days are like the others. 

I wake up, drink coffee, have a ciggarette, eat breakfast, walk to the waterfront, catch Pokemon, write, come back to the hotel, write, do an activity hosted by the timeshare if it's interesting, take a billion showers, eat food, write loads more, then sleep.

I've come to the realization that I need a job, I need to quit smoking, and I need to diet. It's not just a want anymore. It's a need. When I get home I'm going cold turkey from ciggarettes. I'm calling ticket to work, and I'm majorly watching what I eat. I need to for my health and sanity.

I've also discovered that I dislike people. They just talk and talk about themselves and don't ask about the other people in the conversation. Am I guilty of this? I try to ask people about themselves...I don't know.

I think I'm going to take my pills and go to bed early. I'll hopefully wake up early to write more.

I can't wait to get home. I miss my babies. I miss their noise and chaos. I kinda miss cleaning my house too. I miss laundry and dishes. I miss my Joseph. I miss not worrying about my barking tic bothering other people.

I should finish my nineth chapter by Monday. I go home Tuesday, and I have doctors appointments Wednesday. I won't have a full novel done, but I can continue working on it after I get home hopefully. 

I need a job though. Any job will do at this point. I want a big girl professional job, but I keep getting rejected from them. Sometimes I wonder why I even try. I feel like I'm doomed to permanently work jobs a trained monkey could do. It's depressing. Maybe if I become a writer I'll have a big girl job. It's not that I want to write anymore. I used to love it, but now it's just the opportunity to maybe do something with my life instead of fading into obscurity.

Sometimes I think that the only thing keeping me from becoming a crazy cat lady in a trailer somewhere is a few little thin strings. I want a rope, a job, a marriage, anything solid, but I have strings that could break any minute. I want to stop being a useless leach on society and those around me.

Can I even work? Most days I have to take a nap at noon. My intelligence and social skills have decreased since FND ruined my life. And it did ruin it. I'll never be a teacher like I wanted, or even at all. I  was working so hard to do something with my life, then I'm knocked on my back. I keep trying to..,

Oh Jesus, listen to me talking as if my life is over! This is what I get for being alone for days at a time. I start getting mopey. 

Well I'm not going to tolerate it. My life isn't over and I'm going to try hard to get my shit together! And I'm going to start with this damned novel! 

I wrote 2000 words today, and the goal is 3000 tomorrow!

Writers holiday: still chapter 5

385 words today. 

Writers Holiday: Chapter 5

I'm starting to loose track of days. I know it's Wednesday. I know I got here on Tuesday I know there were some days before that, but now I'm measuring the days in chapters. I'm on chapter 5.

I wrote a long post with pictures, but my phone deleted it. Here's the summary

My room:

The bed is huge!!

I saw pretty places

I saw some ducks

 

I decorated a wine glass

I've discovered that the people who go to time share social events like to talk about themselves. I met a lady named Mango. She's rich. She likes to talk about all her trips. I met a couple who like food. They were nice, just talkative. 

I'm nervous about getting sued by the friends who made Earthquest with me because that's the book I'm writing.

I wrote over 2000 words today.

Now it's bedtime

Writers Holiday: Day 3

1914 words written today which is good considering that I spent most of today out with my mother. I've written. I've gone shopping, and now I am exhausted. It's time to sleep. I will post about my room and such tomorrow.

Writers Holiday: Day 2

1196 words written today.

Most of my day was running errands with mom and napping. I didn't feel well today.

But I got tippy' tacos for dinner which was a treat. It's a hole in the wall Mexican reaturant that makes a mean taco.

I'm going to sleep early. I'm looking forward to tomorrow when I check into the timeshare and can focus on my work without distractions.

I edited my outline so it's now a full 60000 word novel (estimation). That means it won't get done by the end of the trip, but I can get a lot done.

And so it begins...

I have officially started my writers holiday. I am taking a week away from distractions and I'm going to pump out the rough draft of a novel!

Since I don't have a license, my week started with dad driving two hours to come pick me up. The drive was smooth and my dad and I discussed politics civilly and without raised voices. It was a pleasant conversation, and although we have vastly different opinions we still managed to reach an understanding. I wish I could have been better at debating, but I was suffering from a fuzzy brain. 

We got home and mom made dinner despite the fact she was hurting from a pulled back and a headache. We had shrimp scampi with tomato and spinich, and it was tasty.

But I was tired so I decided to sleep. But my bed had been taken over by the dog.

The demon dog!

Eventually I got my bed back and went to sleep.

I wasn't planning on going to church the next morning, but my brother decided to sleep in and I wanted my mom to be happy so I went.

The sermon was how if you don't follow Catholic dogma you're going to hell. I patiently waded through consoled by the fact mom isn't Catholic either.

I've been dealing with my crisis of faith for a year now. And I've decided that I believe in the a abrahamic God, I just don't believe he is the god, and sometimes I don't believe in him at all. Sometimes I believe the only divine power is nature (including science). What I don't believe is in other dieties. Or do I? I don't know... I guess I'm still having a crisis of faith.

Anyway,

Brunch was productive. I sat next to a guy who kept coming up with job sites for me to apply to. He thought of a bunch I hadn't thought of yet! So when I get home I have a bunch to apply to.

When I got home I immediately grabbed my iPad, went out into the woods and started writing. It wasn't my novel because I didn't have wifi in the woods, but I fiddled around with my autobiographical fairy tail. I also made a little alter to the land spirits.

All was going well then it started pouring down rain. So after an hour and a half of clear skies...I went home...walking...in the rain. It was hilarious.

Mom met me half way in the car to drive me home. I didn't even ask her. She just did it. My mom is thoughtful like that.

When I got home I hopped on the wifi and started writing. 2182 words so far. 

My goal is 25000 words by the end of the week long holiday (Tuesday the 30th) as it starts on Tuesday the 23rd. That's a short novel at 100 pages. It's short, but it'll be mine.

Frustrated to tears

This week has been aweful. I've been exhausted and in pain. Having a ciggarette is enough to make me need to lay down. I had so many things I wanted to do this week.

I have a new exercise regimine I got from a friend Chewie:

https://www.reddit.com/r/bodyweightfitness/wiki/kb/recommended_routine

It looks like a good starter regimine with steps for stepping it up as I get more fit.

I also have a list of chores a mile long. Dishes and laundry are the most pressing.

But I am so exhausted it makes me cry. I get 9-10 hours of sleep a night, but I still need a nap in spite of so much caffeine.

What do I do to fix this? What can I do? At the end of the month I'll be talking to my doctor about using a pill called modafinil. They use it to help people with chronic fatigue. I'm hoping it will give me the energy I need and maybe help with my ADD.

But what should I do in the meantime? I can only try to at least do a load of laundry and a load of dishes and be happy with that as productivity. And tomorrow I will try working out and walking.

Try hard to get shit done, no matter how hard.

Dream home: Workshop

The workshop is not my domain, but even if I'm on my own I intend to have one. Joseph is the keeper of the workshop. All I really know is that I have to have one. It will be separate from the house. Again, it will be well insulated and climate controlled.

Everything has its place and magically goes there after working with it. Joe already has something like this drill holder, and I love it.

There has to be a window letting in natural light. I think I may be obsessed with natural light.

One thing that the workshop will have is a sink It doesn't need to be fancy it just needs to be durable. I get really irritated when I'm painting to have to come inside to clean the brushes thoroughly. Or when I get stain on my hands there's nowhere to really clean them. A sink is necessary.

Dream Home: Office and Library

The office/ library of my dream house is actually connected to the master bedroom. It's smallish, but well organized.

I use the wall so much for my office currently. Having tools on the wall frees up desk space. Although I like desktops, I really like laptops more. All the room I'd need for my computer would be limited.


The other walls would be filled with books. I'd only want one window, however. A wall of books and a recliner to read them in under the window. The only thing that really matters for me is the built in shelves. I want them to be floor to ceiling shelves.

Dream home: The Upstairs

The upstairs of my dream house is rarely used unless I have an accidental spawn. The only time it's really used is when guests need to spend the night.

The stairs follows the pattern of the foyer: elegant but whimsical. A curved stairwell would be nice, but a boxed stairs would be good too because then I could build a slide to mount half the stairs


The upstairs hallway is a balcony overlooking the living room. The floors would be wooden and the walls an accenting cream.


The doors to both bedrooms would be half doors. This allows privacy while still hearing what happens down I. The living room. It also is good crowd control for children.


The first bedroom would have a classy outer space theme. It would have a navy blue and gold mural over the bed.



The ceiling would have that same navy and gold with exposed rafters.


The bathroom is a little childish. It's dinosaur and caveman themed. The shower has a dinosaur silhouette curtain


And a fossilized dinosaur shower head.


The sinks are stone basins, and the art on the walls is framed cave art. If we had spawn it would become more childish, but without them it is playful yet elegant.


The second bedroom is a woodland theme. The decor on the walls is an abstract watercolor and perhaps branch picture.


There are real wood accents all over the room.


Including a body mirror which reflects all the natural light.


That's all if accidents don't happen...
AND IF SPAWN HAPPEN:

The baby will sleep in our bedroom till it sleeps through the night. Then it will be moved to a Montessori style bedroom. The point of Montessori is all tools are made for kids. This means a kid sized closet that the kid can choose clothes from, a reading corner, and a few stuffed toys.


The bed itself is z small house. This is the kids house to make its bed and look at itself in the mirror beside it. I also like the dangly bits in this picture.


And then the second room becomes a lord of the rings themed playroom. I'd say it's for another kid, but I only need one accident before I learn my lesson.

The room would be sky blue with a white tree of gondor mural.


There would be a lot of natural light and a grass of different texture play rug.


On either side of the door there would be horse carvings


And on the wall opposite the door, above the shelves would be a map, or a poster from lord of the rings.


The kid wouldn't have many toys, but a stick horse would be one of them.


And this, because it's versitile.


The shelf would have the rest of the kids toys, as it got older it would also include Montessori bins that are similar to what it has at school. I imagine the shelf larger than this, holding 12 cubbies.


And the kid will have play silks instead of dress up clothes. Imagination is more important than accuracy at a young age.


This is how I imagine the other furniture to be. I'd love for the lofted area especially.


And because I always wanted one. The kid would have a ball pit. Maybe with a rock climbing wall in it.

Like this but smaller scale