Guilty pleasures.

My ultimate guilty pleasure is dating games. This kills my inner feminist, not because it's girly (feminists can be girly too) it kills it because the girls are always sweet, feminine, and virginal to the point of flatness. Even the "tomboy" character is a farce. What's more the males have personalities of possessive masogonists.

Still...

It's nice to calculate decisions I make to effect an end goal. It's nice to be doted on by unrealistically pretty people (I play both male and female dating games). And honestly, it's nice to pretend to be someone else. 

My current dating game is Shall We Date: Niflheim. It's awful in all the usual ways, but I'm hooked on one character. He completely reminds me of me. I'm wooing myself! It's so amazing!

Look at him...LOOK AT HIM!

Sweet Jesus I'm pretty.

And to show how awesome my real life man is, and how much he dotes on me (He's my real life dating game that tickles my feminist buttons)

I'm sick right now. Coughing and stuff, but I got a lot of work done prepping the sunroom for my indoor garden.

I started researching slavic heathenism. It actually matches my beliefs pretty well. It parallels Norse mythology a lot, but it really makes more sense to me. We'll see as I look into it more.

I've starting looking into herbalism too. Not for magic, but to treat my FND as well as helping with colds and stuff like that. Not to replace medicine either, but the supplement it.

I'm all over the place in my brain. I blame my sick, but I have been doing things.

Also, no sign of my wheelchair yet. I'm starting to get irritated. 

New opportunities

Joe and his mom are letting me borrow their iPad. I'm really excited about this! To date 90% of my posts have been made on my tiny iPhone. It's been difficult, but I haven't really noticed because it's been the easiest option.

I'm excited because the I pad has a larger screen which means a much easier time typing (I can now use two hands) this is also beneficial for writing my novels. On my phone the keyboard takes up half the screen. The other half is divided between headers and scroll bars. It makes it where I only have a sentence or two of backlog.

It also means that I can read my kindle books more easily!!! This is the original reason they let me borrow it. Somehow, I lost my kindle so I've been reading on my phone, which is great for texting and phone calls, but it has such a tiny screen...

Anyway, I'm really excited for the opportunities this will bring me. It will increase both my reading and writing production!

Thanksgiving.

The night before thanksgiving I had an amazing dinner with my boyfriend's parents. Tatiana chicken, wild rice, caprice salad, and fried oysters! It was amazing! I love fried oysters!

After I went to bed, though I was sick to my stomach. I planned and budgeted for my wedding(that's about 5 weddings I have planned to distract myself), which since I haven't been proposed to, seems a little frivolous, but it distacts me with happy thoughts so I continue.

But I threw up at about 2 am and immediately felt better. Maybe I'm allergic to oysters? Maybe it was my FND? Who knows

I woke up and watched Good Morning America and the Macy's Parade, ate coffee cake and quiche, drank Mimosas, and had a great time with my boyfriend's mother! But I had to take frequent naps and time away from stimuli, and as time went on I only got worse and worse. Finally, about an hour or two before dinner I had to go home it got so bad. I ultimately had a seizure.

Luckily, everyone was super understanding, and Joe even brought me home a plate (as well as leftovers) right after the meal so I didn't miss out.

It's really hard to be thankful when bad things happen. I missed out on a lot of good times because of my own body... but then I remembered something Mr Rogers, one of my personal badass role models, said "When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." And although a seizure isn't newsworthy, I did look to the helpers. I looked at the people who understood and helped me through a bad experiance, and I was grateful.

On a day so marked by gratitude, I found myself so thankful for my boyfriend and his family. They are generous with their time, feelings, and even finances. I am so grateful to them.

At 10-11 I was good enough to call my own family. Sure it sounded like I had a mouth full of cotton, but I am so thankful for my own family and I wanted to tell them.

And with a heart full of gratitude for all my family, I did my "Black Friday" shopping in a way that didn't make anyone have to miss out on spending time with their own families: I.e. Online.

I probably spent too much, but I know everyone will get a gift that means something to them and comes from my heart. 

I am making a few gifts as well, and I got started on one of them and continued working on another. I have 2 kids that I have to figure out what I'm going to make for them, but I know they will be happy with the gifts, and so will their parents.

Thanksgiving: growth and harvest

GI'm just going to post pictures of some of my non-cleaning projects.

Bulbs from my blood red lilies that I'm going to replant sometime soon

Some of the many plants that will be housed in the sunroom when I get it insulated and cleaned out. I'm also thinking about purchasing a small aquaponics system to get me in the habit of looking after an aquaponics system.

My kitchen garden. When I get the sunroom in order, this will be my area of new growth. Little sprouts will make their start here.

A painting I'm working on, ands paint chip curtain I'm also working on.

Yesterday I had all sorts of friends contacting me. I even hung out with one of my best friends.

I started planning a new angle for my homestead, as well as current plans of starting to make herbal tinctures.

Wheelchair may be in next week? I'm starting to get impatient 

Tomorrow is thanksgiving. I think im going to do a post on gratitude in relation to badassitude. Or maybe I'll just post on what I'm thankful for. In the mean time I'm going to enjoy my life. Because despite its problems, I am very thankful for it.

Good news!

So I'm on disability. It sucks. I hate being a burden on society. It's nessicary, but I still hate it. I can't work because my brain leaves me a lot of the time, I have trouble reading, and even writing sometimes. I physically am useless, and I have trouble speaking sometimes. I have no marketable job skills at the moment. What's more, even if I did get a job, being out around people makes my condition worse. And even family and friend interactions can cause seizures (as well as loud noises, too much movement, multiple conversations happening at once, and so many others). These seizures have effects that last days. who would want to employ someone who had to take 2-3 days off several times a month? I know I wouldn't!

I also don't have health insurance, well I do, but it only covers birth control and a yearly Pap smear. As someone who needs actual medical care to get better and function, I've been paying out of pocket as well as Jerry-rigging a medical plan.

So I go to the mailbox today and there's a letter from social security (the people who handle my disability benefits) and I pouted a bit. Let's face it, any letter from the government is kind of a monicker of more and unpleasant work.

I was surprised to find that the letter was chock full of amazing and good news!

Not only might I be able to get health insurance,but it gave me options for employment! 

I litterally just got the letter, and it bears more investigation (as I had a seizure yesterday, I might not get to it till Sunday) but this is happy and hopeful news!

Long term Money goals

As of today, Joe and I both bring in an income of $23,000 a year. We live pretty comfortably off this. Yes, we still have wants, and I have debt (mostly medical), but for the most part, we live comfortably.

After both Joe and I graduate, we stand to make 6 figures in money and benefits. I don't think I could deal with having that much money. It seems way too... Excessive after living most of my adult life on less than 12k a year. I have friends who would live off more, but honestly, I don't need it. I'm a pretty simple person.

Now I haven't talked with Joe about this. This is mostly musing.

So, in my time on Pinterest, I've looked at several pins that say stuff like "live off 30k a year" and "How live off 20k a year." And I like it. The federal poverty level is 22k for a family without kids. So I think we could live a lavish lifestyle for $35k a year, and if we spawn or adopt we can add an additional 5k a year.

All the rest of the money would be split into 2 groups, I think: saving/investment (including saving for the spawn's education) so that we can expand our wealth and not have to worry about future financial problems, and charity because Joe and I both firmly believe that aiding the community is what matters in life. 

I want to host 2 fundraisers a year: 1 medical (lupus, FND, st. Baldricks), and 1 

Community fundraiser, and I'm currently leaning towards United way. I want to eventually sponcer a low income public boarding high school in the area based on the Seed School in Washington DC. We have a high homeless population in the area, and investing in the education of an area is investing in the future profitability of an area. I also really want a scholarship fund as well, perhaps for women or minorities in the construction industry, or men or minorities going into education to satisfy my feminist agenda. Who knows, I might be able to do both! I also want to make 1 aid trip a year. Go build an orphanage in China, build a school in Nepal, help eradicate guinea worm in Africa...you know, helping people abroad.

But anyway, I feel like living off of 35k a year, and budgeting well will be easy enough. That's an additional 12k from what we have now. That is so much money I'm still having trouble figuring out what we'd do with it all.

I guess I'm just day dreaming. Graduation for both of us is years away, and it's nice to think about being rich. Also it's nice to feed my philanthropy boner.

Hair!

Today, after a comment from my boyfriend to remind me I haven't shaved in months (upwards of 4) I decided to try sugar waxing as I've heard good things about it. I've been meaning to try it for a while.

Waxing has never really worked on me. I suppose that my hair has always been too smooth or something. But I found an easy recipe and hoped it would work this time around.

http://m.wikihow.com/Make-Sugar-Wax

I followed the instructions, and I got a pretty good waxy consistency. But, essentially it was a flop. Almost no hair was removed every time I tried. I was disappointed, but not surprised.

I fell back on my fail safe. I mix sugar and coconut oil, scrub the area that I'm going to shave, shave it, then use the sugar scrub again. It always works with amazing results. However, because I get so tired so easily, I don't do it often.

And I am exhausted. So I'm probably stuck in bed for the rest of the day and I'll clean out the tub tomorrow. I feel nice and clean and smooth, but I'm also hungry. Im wondering if I can get my boy to pick up a little ceases pizza to tide me through the rest of the day.

Handicap

Today has been rough. My tremors have been bad. My pain and fatigue: bad. And I burned out the motor on our nice food processor trying to recycle paper. Plus Joe is out having a good time.

Normally the Joe part wouldn't bother me so much. I'd call a girlfriend and go out for beers, head over to someone's house and harass them.

But I'm stuck by my own body. Even if I could drive, I physically can hardly stand today, and it hurts to move. 

I don't care what the pc term is for handicap, but I don't like it. It doesn't encircle the wholeness of lacking control.

I'm not wholly bad off,though. I've gotten plenty of kitty cuddles. Mom sent me goofy pictures of her dog, and I had a good dream last night. Plus, Joe looked so handsome when he left, and he was so loving!

I guess today is just a down day.

So how can I rectify this into a badass track? Well, I'm going to pop a pain pill, smoke a cigarette, and maybe listen to more podcasts. Nothing like expanding knowledge and wisdom to uplift the spirits. I might sing obnoxiously too.

My wheelchair is a week late coming in. I'm so excited! I've got so many plans! I'm going to get my life back.

Surprises

I just got off the phone with my dad, and I do believe it was the first non-contentious serious conversation we've ever had.

I've never really got on well with my father. Sure we love each other, and we would readily die to keep each other safe and all that, but as a person...I guess we're both just too stubborn to see each other's point of view. I'm super sensitive to his criticism in reaction to him being very hyper critical. I'm very socially liberal, and he's a staunch conservative in all respects. I love him. He's just a major source of arguments for me.

Well he calls me out of the blue just to get updated on how I'm doing. There was no judgement in his tone the whole time we were talking about therapy and my disorder. I was baffled. He seemed so neutral and almost passive. I'd never thought dad could take that tone.

I mentioned that I was both raped and sexually assaulted, and his voice did get angry. He almost asked me how I got myself into those situations, but he cut himself off. I want everyone to know that this has never happened before. He stopped saying something offensive because he knew it would bother me. This is huge! 

Sure, he still has a pretty conservative mentality, and I'm sure victim blaming would have come up, but he stopped himself. I didn't have to butt heads with him because he purposely avoided a conversation he knew would take an angry path!

I am so fucking proud of my dad right now! I can't tell you how pleased I am with him! He's not perfect, no one is. But this is solid evidence that he is trying to put his ego aside to forge a closer relationship with me!

Squee!

Also I had some friends from group therapy over this afternoon. I made some damn good chilli and I helped a friend in need out by giving her the leftovers and some canned food I was going to donate to the food bank. Seeing her smile made me feel so happy. She's in a rough spot. I've been in rough spots before too. I recognize that and I am so glad I could give her smiles.

My favorite couple came over tonight too! It wasn't anything fancy, we just sat around talking and playing games, and crafting. It's just perfect.

I am so exhausted right now though. I may fall asleep before I get the chance to take my pills.

Ballance

So, I've been on a journey of self discovery. When I'm not exploring what I believe, I've been spending my time creating.

Along the way, I've forgotten to be goal oriented. I have been lost in my own mind. This isn't very badass.

I've also dropped certain habits that I've really started to enjoy. Part of that has been due to me not feeling well the past week, and the other part is laziness. 

Things I must do daily to feel good:

1) straighten my room before I leave it. 

2) take my vitamins(and eat breakfast so it won't upset my stomach)

3) do a load of laundry

4) do any dishes in the sink

5) clean the litterboxes

6) shower

7) brush my teeth

8) make dinner for Joe and I

9) keep track of what I eat

10) weigh myself daily

If I can do these things I can shift my mentality from useless leach on society to a homemaker. (Which even though it's a noble profession, it's not my goal in life.)

Things that I'd like to start doing to achieve long term goals:

1) write for an hour or more every day.

2) start training for a 5k roll.

3) spend some time on crafting every day.

4) look into teaching jobs I can do online, or some other work from home job.

Thinks that are idealistic and not very likely for me to do at this current stage.

1) make lunches for Joe. (Bento is super cool!)

2) take Brazilian jujitsu classes.

3) go back to school full time.

4) publish books.

I just need to keep reminding myself that goals are the best form to put you in a functional direction. I need to keep my current goals realistic. So I'm going to go back to doing the first list daily.

Tomorrow I have the girls from my therapy group coming over for chilli. I'm hoping it'll be fun! I also baked two pies and some banana bread. (Which Joe said was really good)

I'm hoping I don't get too burned out. I'm already so exhausted. I've got so many things to do yet.

I honestly feel like I'm falling apart physically. The tremors are getting better, but my bad periods are really bad still. I really hope that I can get to a functional level soon.

I may try to implement a schedule again. 

I need about 10-12 hours of sleep to retain any function. So we'll see how that goes.

Intellecualizing spirituality in the context of badassitude (with a side of humorous misadventure)

Spirituality is an ongoing journey to rationalize a spiritual exsistance in terms of a human experience. It may involve dirties. It may not. It may involve our own power to control and influence the world around us or our own bodies and actions. It may not. Morality may also be defined by spirituality.

Religion is spirituality predefined by someone else. Finding the ability to go along this pre formed path is the mainstay of religion.

It is my belief that spirituality is a deeply personal thing. Not everyone does it the same, and that's okay. It is through a collection of independent philosophical thoughts that we become more defined as spiritual beings delving into the whys and hows of exsistance.

Shedding the trappings of religion is, as you know, something that I have done. It is a concious decision I've done in reaction to an unwillingness to conform myself to a spirituality that I disagreed with to the fundamental core.

Finding who you are in relation to what you believe is a very big fundamental in a journey to badassitude. It is through self discovery that we grow confidence and intelligence. 

Because of this notion I've taken it upon myself to explore religion and philosophy in my spare time. I am doing this by listening to various religious, scientific, and philosophical podcasts, exploring books, websites, and even Pinterest. (I have a lot of trouble reading still and graphic based presentations are particularly helpful to me.)

As I seek other people's thoughts on their own human condition, I'm writing in a book. I'm documenting my spiritual growth in a book. It's an artistic endevour as well as an exploratory one.

I've taken a black leather bond sketch book. So far I have two pages. The first is a family tree. Family is important to me. They have contribeted genes as well as family philosophy down along the lines. They are influential, both positively and negitivity in who I am through both natural means and by basic human interaction.

The second page I'm using as a snapshot as before and after. It has a short quote summarizing my beliefs before an in depth exploration. When I finish the book it will have a second quote.

We'll see where it goes from here. I may or may not update my blog based on what I discover.

While this is a very intellectual topic, I wanted to share some funny things that have happened so far:

While searching for a few witchcraft podcasts I searched a generic "witch" and "witchcraft" and sure enough, Bill O'Riely's podcast came up multiple times. This had me in stitches. I hate him as a person in the public sphere, not because of his beliefs or intelligence (or maybe lack there of...), but because he's condescending, arrogant, and rude. Finding his podcast in among witchcraft is gala rips because he is a witch in the non metaphysical sence of the word.

I also downloaded a book about Slavic Religons, as that is where the majority of my bloodline comes from. As I was reading it I became more and more confused. I know some of the prominent dirties and basic creation story as well as some basic philosophy. Instead of mokosh, perun, and velas, I got an interstellar war, inter dimensional beings, and philosophy on ethnic superiority of whites. That's right, I read Scientology texts that said it was the Slavic faith. It hurt my brain so badly.

It's the first one star review I've ever left.

I'm sure there will be many more misadventures in days to come. I'll share the most humorous ones, I'm sure.

Who let me adult?!

I got a little done today. I worked on my paint chip curtain, my brother's Christmas scarf, did a load of laundry, and dishes.

Mostly however, I spent my day updating my podcast que. I'm a firm believer that if you are the smartest person in the room, then you're in the wrong room. Podcasts allow me to have many people with different knowledge bases come into my house to discuss things. 

Speaking of having people over, I have some friends from group therapy coming over for chilli on Wednesday. I'm looking forward to it, but I've been really shaky, and not really good around people lately, and that makes me nervous. I've already had to cancel hanging out with Another friend. Curse my body!

Speaking of, I was on a diet. But then a party happened and I've been having a hard time getting back to it. A lot of it has to do with the fact I've been so drained lately. Another size able chuncj had to do with a cheeSe craving. Joe got me Taco Bell for sinner.

Then the midnight snack.

More on actual adultinf later.

My drugs have kicked in and I'm going to sleep. Doctors orders.

(Edit: I don't remember writing this at all. In going to leave it as is with a note saying that trazadone is powerful stuff)

Oh god! The feels!

I've been having a lot of feelings recently, and I don't like it. It's all the stupid emotions: jealousy, insecurity, guilt, flashbacks, and sadness. In a way it's a good thing. Feeling something is the goal of my therapy group. 

It's bad because I'm fighting these emotions alone. Joe is working himself ragged to provide a good future for us. My former best friend and I are in an awkward place where we talk, but it's all superficial. All my other friends have jobs and are busy, and even if they weren't, my health is a shit show and having guests over makes it worse.

I'm jealous of healthy people. I can't drive. I get exhausted easily. I'm wracked by seizures and tremors...I rarely leave my house. I want a job, school, parties, go out with friends, anything really to break up my life and make it more interesting. Yes, I'm working on it. I'm working really hard on it, but I'm not even close to there. It leaves me frustrated and jealous.

I'm insecure right now. I've gained 50 lbs since this began. I'm fat, disabled, and I feel ugly and undesirable. I can no longer be charismatic and charming like I used to. Mostly I feel as though I just get a lot of pitty. I can't have sex anymore, I've all but given up on it. I've never been good with being sexy and seductive. Now I feel like I'm just a guilt hole that's not even worth plugging. I haven't felt this gross and ugly since I was in my sexless marriage, except this time it's my own damn fault.

I feel guilty over everything wrong I've ever done. I feel guilty that I'm not pulling my weight in the relationship, in society,in any form. Im just a giant ball of guilt. Im ashamed because I'm not half the person I was, and I have to cancel seeing people, going out, and being a good friend all the time. I feel guilt over stupid things too, like having a spiritual crisis. Seriously, if my parents ever found out they would be so ashamed. Even if I was a good person, they would be ashamed of me. What kind of daughter am I if I can't keep my parents happy?

Forgetting about being guilty because I'm not a contributing member of society...I'm not even a contributing member of my household. I make more messes than I clean, and i can't clean much. I'm getting better about cleaning, but I'm not even to the irresposible preteen level of cleanliness. If I can find the energy to do laundry AND dishes, I find myself proud and impressed.

I'm having a lot of flashbacks recently. Flashbacks of my bad marriage, rape, and stuff like that. I have my weekly group sessions where I'm learning ways to help keep them at bay, but sometimes I just lock up for minutes to an hour at a time and it goes over and over in my head like self flagellation except when I'm done, no one can see how much pain I'm in. 

In general I'm just sad, lonely, and awful. I keep trying, and I'm trying to find better coping skills, but it is what it is.

Though, I am trying really hard to not be sad. I'm crafting more. I'm trying very hard to earn the title of home maker. 

My wheelchair comes in next week so I'll be hopefully be getting some exercise, if my boyfriend and his mother will let me. They want me to practice somewhere safe first m like a suburban neighborhood...but I live on the corner of two busy streets. How the hell am I going to practice every day like I want to while keeping them happy?

I want to start training for a 5k in January. My friend val said she'd run with me. <3 

Today's goals, finish laundry, do dishes, finish the board game I've been making, and clean out the litterboxes. I'll also try to make dinner. Jerk chicken. Yum!

Explicit content/ not safe for work-Gender and sexual identity

This post contains explicit material and is not safe for work or prudes.

I've always known I was different. I've never felt fully girl or fully boy. There are days where I felt the maximum amount of both femininity and masculinity. There was even a period in my life where I wished I had a penis. (I still often do). But for the most part, I've always felt my sex (female) wasn't telling the whole story of who I was. I've always felt that I was different than how people viewed me. 

As I researched the construction of gender and placed it in context of my own identity I've been able to find a label that best suits my gender identity. And even though I dislike putting myself into a tidy category, it basically fits.

I am gender fluid. And, from what I can gather, that means sometimes I feel like a man, sometimes I feel like a woman, sometimes I feel neither, and sometimes I feel both. That's as close to what I feel as I can explain. I still conform to feminine societal rules. I use the woman's restroom. I use the feminine pronouns. Because how I view my gender is a personal thing to me. No one else needs to know. It would probably just confuse them and make life in general difficult for everyone.

I don't believe in a gender binary, or even regards to sex, I don't believe in a binary. There is no black and white, even on a biological level. there are intersex people. Hermaphroditism, chromosomal mutations, and other people that defy the binary system most people believe in. To make room roe those people in my worldview, I've stopped thinking about man and woman in a traditional sence, but rather as a multidimensional spectrum.

Because of this belief in a spectrum, and rather than a binary, I am pan sexual, although I call it bisexual just because people need too much explanation on what pansexual is. I am sexually attracted to men, women, intersex, inter gender, or whatever people want to be called. My first kiss was a girl who I kissed while she was sleeping (I'm guilty of sexual assault, and I'm sorry for it). I've only dated men because that's who situations have led me to, but that doesn't mean I would dicount anyone as a sexual partner based on what lays between their legs.

I'm also coming to realize that I may be polyamorous. My current relationship may not be, as Joe is not keen on sharing, but I am coming to believe that if there is enough room in my life for it, and my partner was onboard, I wouldn't mind having an aditional partner in my life. I feel as though I would like to Able to share my sex and love in a relationship of 3 people would be the most ideal. I like the idea of three people living together and contributing into one relationship. It could be more, perhaps an entire community built on romantic love, and sex, but that seems highly unpragmatic and unrealistic as far as the human condition goes.

As to my current relationship, I know I am monogomous. Sex and romantic love both I give and receive only from my boyfriend. I've given him permission to have sexual relationships with other women as long as he doesn't hide them from me. The hiding part is the cheering part in my eyes. Sex is sex, and as long as we still love each other at the end of the day, and our obligations to each other are being met, and our relationship is healthy, and stds aren't involved, I am not a jealous person.

I love sex. It's an amazing self validating experiance for me. It's an act that the more pleasure you give, the more pleasure you get. You have the control and power to make an experiance more than just a relieving of urges. It's empowering.

The problem comes with my functional neurological disorder. Sex is hard. Physically I just can't do the things I want to do (that used to come so easily). I lack the stamina to go as hard as I want, and the antidepressants make it hard to cum in general as well as decreasing my libido. And I find I still have tremor attacks after. It's disheartening. But I'm thankful for it because it makes monogamy so much easier. I don't have to constantly think about what my partner is going to be okay with me doing when I'm not doing anything anyway. 

I don't know where I'm even going with this. My brain is all over the place today. 

I guess in summary: I'm an oddball. I have all these ideas about love and sex,  but I love my partner and boyfriend Joe.  I respect him and his ideologies. I do what he is comfortable with because of my vast love for him. So in the end, I pragmatically define our relationship as he is comfortable with, because even though I am comfortable with a lot more, he doesn't ask me to confine myself with less to the point I am uncomfortable. And that's why I love him. He lets me be me even while setting his boundaries within the confines of our relationship.

Explain!

The I had nightmares last night that I was paraplegic. I just couldn't move my legs no matter how much I tried.

Then I wake up and see this:

Yup. It turns out I had 20+ pounds of cats on my legs. That explains that.

Last night I had a bad case of illogical feelings. During the past few months I've fought with my best friend leading to a strained relationship, I've had one of my favorite uncles tell me that the only reason he hangs out with me is because my father is around when we hang out, and I thought I was passed over for a high honor in favor of someone else who was not even in line for the award. (Turns out that last one wasn't the case.) but I was majorly feeling like I was loosing my friends and family at a pretty steady rate. I was feeling aweful and worthless, and I stuffed my face with nachos and a greasy burger to cope (thanks to my amazing boyfriend.

So I finally get out of bed this morning and use the restroom, and my thighs are covered in blood. Started my period last night. That explains all the feelings.

Speaking of which, that also explains the flip flop bowel movements I've had as well as the severe lower back pain.

It also explains why I've wanted to have sex with every person I've ever thought was even slightly attractive. (Not that I acted on those urges, save for new spank-bank material.)

Being a woman is magical! Heating pads and painkillers are more magical!

Speaking of magic, I've been exploring my faith and what I believe philosophically as well as metaphysically. Here's what I've got:

There is a creator. I use the masculine pronoun, but he is in fact beyond gender. 

He created the universe through the Big Bang, setting forth the laws of science and math prior to. Setting forth the tenant that energy can never be distroyed.

After a time our solar disk was formed. The earth and sky were made. Through their incredible energy in the primordial days they created amino acids, ran, then life itself. 

Being part of this earth, our energy never leaves this earth. Evolution is as much a physical as a metaphysical phenomenon. Biologically we grow and adapt to the world around us, but as our energy never really leaves the planet so too is there a spiritual evolution as our energies combine with others and dis update into other phenomenon, both living and not.

This means that not only do all living creatures have a spirit, but so do non living things, as we all have energy. (Don't expect me to become a veggitarian based on this. I am an omnivore.) therefore all things should be given respect if not reverence.

Because our ancestors (both blood related and not) helped to shape us, both biologically and spiritually, they also deserve veneration and honor.

More so, the living kith and kin deserve honor as, pragmatically speaking, they more aware of the respect and more likely to return it. In that way they become a living interconnected being in itself, much like the cells of a body are all individually living, but create a larger organism. So to does a group of people become greater than the sum of its parts. 

Now, I also believe that the minds of man is a symbolic and catigorical mind, so I also believe in the personification of all of these phenominon. I'm not sure what symbolism I will personally take, although I'm leaning heavily towards Slavic heathenism just because I have a blood tie with Czechoslovakia as the majority of my family history has its roots there. But that requires more research.

Currently I believe in God the creator, a Mother Earth figure, and a father sky figure. It amuses me that I have come to believe we are the creation of a creation.

For aid/prayer I believe in very pragmatic dogma. There are levels of influence and control that different aspects of my personal theology have over my life. 

1. Self: I am the one most in control of my life

2. Kith and kin: the people around me have the next level of influence.

---------dogmatic stuff I'm not sure about--------

3. Those who have passed: the energies of those who loved you before they passed may keep a consciousness intact and be able to aid in times of need?

4. Nature and science itself: energy is in all things. Some of these things man has learned to harness, others are wild and free, both have influence and be called upon for aid. The distinction between science and nature is very fuzzy as they are deeply interconnected and almost the same exact thing.

5. The creator. He don't give a fuck about you, the individual. He's about the workings of the universe as a whole, not just one tiny blip.

Christ? I don't know about that guy. He might be important? He might not? He might be a symbol? I'm not saying I don't believe he existed/was the son of the creator. I just don't know. According to the bible he taught some good things, though...so take the good and leave the bad? 

Fuck the bible. I'm lumping it in with the epic of Gilgamesh and Beowulf; Dogmatic fiction. It has some good stuff in it, but it also has a bunch of shit. Take the good and leave the bad.

I'm going to call this theology scientific heathenism... And I hope my parents never find out because it would only upset them. 

As to my personal values, I'm still working them out. I'm trying to get them to 10. Courage, truth, respect and personal growth are defiantly going to be core tenants in some way, though.

I'm working on my alter. I feel like since I can't worship in a church, I need a private place I can worship on my own, and figure out my stuff:

It feels unbalanced and like it doesn't have weight, and not right yet, but it will get there. 

I also started on my book of shadows/grimoir. It starts with my family tree on fancy calligraphy. It has last names so I'm not going to post it.

Inside is also going to be my list of personal virtues I aspire to, the dogma(when I figure out everything) quotes, prayers, and songs that I find spiritually benificial, recipes and "kitchen magic," lists of herbs, stones, etc that can be used for different things: symbolism, historical uses, and any science that is a available. (I have a feeling most of the stone section is going to be along the lines of "use this as a reminder that you already possess this trait.") and divination (as in using symbols and patterns as a tool to refine intuition,  foreknowledge, and experiance into a cohesive analysis of a situation. Also the energies of the universe blah blah blah. But mostly it's an intellectual tool.)

So that's a thing I've been working on...

On a less woo-woo topic, In the past few weeks I've started with this thing called mpoints. It's this thing where I earn points using apps to eventually buy gift cards. So I have games that I enjoy playing, utilitarian apps like a weather app and something to help me quit smoking, and "______ of the day" apps.

My Latin phrase of the day

My self affirmation of the day.

My thankfulness of the day.

I've been at it for just over a week and I'm 1/5 of the way to a $25 gift card to Walmart or Amazon.

Exhaustion

Days are getting shorter. I feel the cold weather seep into my bones. My tremors have been bad this week, and I've been exhausted and in pain. But that doesn't mean I'm not getting stuff done!

I've been showering and brushing my teeth more regularly. I even started flossing! I'm still not at the level of hygiene is like to be, but that will come as I learn how to better adapt my life.

I started on a quest to loose 50-60 lbs. I sat down for 2hours and made a food plan. It has 5 servings of veggies and protein and 3 servings of carbs and fruit. All of which is between 1200 and 1400 calories. I've been having problems keeping too the schedule, but I've still managed to be under 1400 cal a day. I keep reminding myself to strive for progress not perfection.

My wheelchair will be in around the 16th and I can hardly wait! I'm planning on going for a roll everyday, and Joe said he wants to join me! I'm going to start easy. There's a square route that is 4ish blocks in the neighborhood around my house. A lot of it is up hill. I'm going to do that until my arms are strong enough to do more.

I've also started exploring my options as far as employment. I'm thinking a work at home thing where I can do customer support via text chat. It wouldn't be anything fancy, just something to kill time in my off hours and still make a little money. Something where I don't have to talk...at all. Talking is hard.

I did apply to a job as an inventory person. It was a part timer, but someone else got hired. 

All in all I need a job that is simple, straightforward, and doesn't involve a lot of talking. Ideas welcome.

I think I'm going to sell my car. It's so much paperwork to keep, I can't drive it, and won't be able to for a year or more, and that extra money can be put to better use paying bills. I'm still on the fence about it. I'll need to talk to my dad.

IVe also decided that there are two chores I need to do daily; clean the cat litter and dishes. We'll see how that goes.

National novel writing month has begun! I'm planning on having 1 novel complete by December! The one I'm working on is about 3 high school students who fight the paranormal. It's simple, and not a well thought out piece, but it's something. And who knows. I could put it up on kindle marketplace and make a few bucks in royalties. If "Black Eyed Kids" can make a buck on kindle being very poorly written, perhaps I can make a bit on my crap writing. Plus, I always wanted to be a published writer. Maybe if I actually finish, I'll pop out a book a month in this series. I may even do a few more of my stories besides. 

Maybe that's what I'll do with my life; become a writer like I always wanted. There's no better time to start.

On a side note, I'm having a really big crisis of faith. I went to bible study with my neighbor and aunt Doris. They were going over the book of Joshua. You know, when god commanded the genocide at Jericho. Then I realized that that's not the first genocide in the bible...I always had problems with it as s feminist, but with the genicides...I just can't worship and believe in such a bloodthirsty and oppressive diety. I know in my heart that there's a creator, a master planner for the universe. I know he is the embodiment of love and beauty, if he's a he at all, but beyond that, I'm at a loss.

My loyalty to God also kept me in a marriage that should have ended a lot sooner. I guess I have that as a personal grudge too. So there's that.

We'll see how this crisis of faith progresses. I'll be doing research and seeing what strikes a chord. Who knows, maybe I'll reconcile myself as a Christian and not have to disappoint my parents too much.