It's bad because I'm fighting these emotions alone. Joe is working himself ragged to provide a good future for us. My former best friend and I are in an awkward place where we talk, but it's all superficial. All my other friends have jobs and are busy, and even if they weren't, my health is a shit show and having guests over makes it worse.
I'm jealous of healthy people. I can't drive. I get exhausted easily. I'm wracked by seizures and tremors...I rarely leave my house. I want a job, school, parties, go out with friends, anything really to break up my life and make it more interesting. Yes, I'm working on it. I'm working really hard on it, but I'm not even close to there. It leaves me frustrated and jealous.
I'm insecure right now. I've gained 50 lbs since this began. I'm fat, disabled, and I feel ugly and undesirable. I can no longer be charismatic and charming like I used to. Mostly I feel as though I just get a lot of pitty. I can't have sex anymore, I've all but given up on it. I've never been good with being sexy and seductive. Now I feel like I'm just a guilt hole that's not even worth plugging. I haven't felt this gross and ugly since I was in my sexless marriage, except this time it's my own damn fault.
I feel guilty over everything wrong I've ever done. I feel guilty that I'm not pulling my weight in the relationship, in society,in any form. Im just a giant ball of guilt. Im ashamed because I'm not half the person I was, and I have to cancel seeing people, going out, and being a good friend all the time. I feel guilt over stupid things too, like having a spiritual crisis. Seriously, if my parents ever found out they would be so ashamed. Even if I was a good person, they would be ashamed of me. What kind of daughter am I if I can't keep my parents happy?
Forgetting about being guilty because I'm not a contributing member of society...I'm not even a contributing member of my household. I make more messes than I clean, and i can't clean much. I'm getting better about cleaning, but I'm not even to the irresposible preteen level of cleanliness. If I can find the energy to do laundry AND dishes, I find myself proud and impressed.
I'm having a lot of flashbacks recently. Flashbacks of my bad marriage, rape, and stuff like that. I have my weekly group sessions where I'm learning ways to help keep them at bay, but sometimes I just lock up for minutes to an hour at a time and it goes over and over in my head like self flagellation except when I'm done, no one can see how much pain I'm in.
In general I'm just sad, lonely, and awful. I keep trying, and I'm trying to find better coping skills, but it is what it is.
Though, I am trying really hard to not be sad. I'm crafting more. I'm trying very hard to earn the title of home maker.
My wheelchair comes in next week so I'll be hopefully be getting some exercise, if my boyfriend and his mother will let me. They want me to practice somewhere safe first m like a suburban neighborhood...but I live on the corner of two busy streets. How the hell am I going to practice every day like I want to while keeping them happy?
I want to start training for a 5k in January. My friend val said she'd run with me. <3
Today's goals, finish laundry, do dishes, finish the board game I've been making, and clean out the litterboxes. I'll also try to make dinner. Jerk chicken. Yum!
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