Vices

I am allowed my first vice again! I feel almost human! I get to do something that doesn't involve my disability!

Today I have my first cup of coffee in 6 whole months! And sure, it's decaf to be on the safe side, and sure I only get one, but it's mine! It's no longer controlled by my body!

This feels like a hopeful symbol of the good things to come! I'm going to get better, become a teacher! I am elated. There's still hope for my badassitude!

I'm also going to start swimming again! Well, as soon as I get some gear from mom. I decided that is the best total body workout for me.

I'm elated...and it all starts with this cup of coffee:

Here Comes the Sun

Not going to be a long post today. I'm exhausted.

I went to the shrink today. He said he's confident I can return to a normal life. I have so many factors in my favor!

I'm excited! It means I can become a teacher!!!

Also, at the end of the session the shrink saw my parents. Mom asked him if I could have coffee again. HE SAID YES!

I can fucking drink coffee again!!!! I busted out crying. I mean, I'd been crying off and on up until that point, but these tears were happy ones!

I'm looking forward to a small cuppa decaf in the morning! 

Down Day

 Yesterday was amazing! Despite the aweful metro ride, it was absolutely amazing.

I'm paying for it today. I hurt to tears. The tremors are bad. And my joints are killing me...it was worth it though. I touched Cecil, and talked with Carlos. Croch the Tracker is under a small onus to me... It was a magical night.

All of this made me think I should share my favorite podcasts with all of you so that you can share my joy! These aren't the only podcasts I listen to, but these are my favorite.

Fiction:

Welcome to Nightvale: (https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/welcome-to-night-vale/id536258179?mt=2)

It's the radio station based in a Lovecraftian town. The crazy supernatural town's events are narrated by a radio host with a soothing sultry voice.

The Thrilling Adventure Hour: (https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/thrilling-adventure-hour/id408691897?mt=2)

This is a collection of a couple really good series. My favorite is Beyond Belief. It's about two married mediums who are in love with alcohol and each other, and supernatural creatures keep inturupting their bliss.

Self Improvement:

The Mental Mastery Moment:

(https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/mental-mastery-moment-productivity/id827546458?mt=2) This is a show that has a a lot of good tools and techniques to get your life in order and become a better you.

The Art of Charm: (https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/art-charm-confidence-relationship/id212382281?mt=2) This show is a series of interviews to give insight on skills of self improvement. It's a podcast directed to men, but the information is helpful for everyone.

The Art of Manliness: (https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-art-of-manliness/id332516054?mt=2) This is a podcast along the same line of The Art of Charm. I love the host, though. He's sweet and softspoken yet still clear and wonderful. Another podcast directed at men, but super helpful for everyone.

Non-Fiction:

Mycolonic Jerk:(https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/myoclonic-jerk/id396382953?mt=2) I found this one by complete accident. It's a humor podcast that explores philosophical ideals through the lense of inquisition. Even when I don't agree with what's being said, I still find it thoughtful and interesting. It draws me into thought and makes me examine my own philosophy.

Freakanomics Radio:(https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/freakonomics-radio/id354668519?mt=2) This is a podcast that explores social issues from an economic view. It may be a little bias, but it's bias is along my slant so it doesn't matter.

Radiolab:

Just listen to this. You won't regret it

(https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/radiolab-from-wnyc/id152249110?mt=2)

Goodnight, Nightvale. Goodnight

Tonight my friends took me to see Nightvale live. I dressed as Old Woman Josie. My friends dressed as Erikas. If you haven't listened to the Welcome to Nightvale podcast, please do! It's totally worth it!

The dc metro was my only complaint. Completely not disable friendly. I had to use my Walker and a friend to make it up the stairs cuz the elevators were down and the escalator up was temporarily stairs. Then the disabled exit was out of order. They really did not want me to get to the show ontime. It was frustrating. However, silver lining, I met a lovely lady named Theresa who was a math and science teacher in the Philippines before moving state side working in he medical industry. She was a sweet lady who needed help as much as me.

Here are some pis of me being a badas and taking the stairs in my Walker.

We weren't too late. We only missed the first song. It was wonderful. I saw Cecil and Carlos!  It went by so quickly and I was tremoring bad the whole time. But after I bought a poster and a shirt and got the entire cast to sign my poster! 

Icing on the cake... People from another amazing podcast (The Thrilling Adventure Hour) were a part of the Nightvale cast! Mark Gagliarti said he was under onus to me! We all squeed, and I think it surprised him. The whole cast were sweet beyond measure!

Making Money

So one of the major setbacks of not having a job is not having money. It's annoying and really stressful which is not good for my condition. In response to this I've started several methods of earning a modest income.

1) I've added add-space to my blog. I know I really don't have a huge audience now, but I'm planning on building it once I hit 100 posts.

2) I've started writing again. I've got a bunch of stuff in progress. Mostly today I've been transferring ideas from paper to computer. I have a goal of writing 1 hour a day. Since I put it all on google drives, even if I['m in bed I can still write. It's another long term goal, but one worth mentioning.

3) I've signed up for disability. I don't know if I'll get accepted of if I'll get enough to live on, but I'll make do.

I may have found a work from home website. I have to explore if it's reputable. I'm not even sure if I can work yet (even if it's online) because the seizures are so frequent, and the effects linger for days after making it hard to work. But, as a last resort I can try for an online job and hope I don't get fired for calling out so often. I might use this once my seizures are more manageable. It would be a good step for getting back in the swing of school and work again. I'm hoping this will happen by June or July.

If there are any more ideas, I'm open to suggestions.

In the meantime, I'm going to be trying different things to make money from home despite my condition.

Painsomnia

Who knew that pain could keep you from sleep? Despite only taking one nap today from noon to 3 because I was exhausted. Despite being exhausted when I crawled into bed at 10. Despite taking 3 different pills that are supposed to knock me out, and as pain killer, I still woke up at 1 am tears rolling down my face and my joints aching. It didn't help that I had another nightmare. (About a library of all things)

Still, I got a lot done yesterday despite a lingering brai fog. And I'll be getting more work done today. I'm going to be setting up my daily goals sheet which I'll share tomorrow, probably durring the early am when I seem to hurt the worst.

I see Welcome to Nightvale live on Saturday with my favorite couple ever! I'm excited and nervous. I hope my vocal tics stay under control. I need to keep zen about the experiance and not be excited. I'll share pics if I get any because ADVENTURE!

My shrink appointment is on Monday, and I'm nervous. I've emailed the doctor and he seems nice. It's also the first step on my road to recovery. I'm hoping things go well.

I'll make it through. But I need to stay calm to avoid seizures. Plus it makes me seem like a stone cold badass...perhaps I'll meditate more than normal to keep myself feeling zen. That seems like a good idea.

The Power of Choice

I lay in bed and think to myself, "I want 30 seconds of not moving at all." So I take a deep breath. I let it out slowly. I take stock of my spazzing leg. I note the muscles that are moving. I recognize the pain. I take another deep breath and will those muscles still. It works, but I feel the tension start to build. I imagine it evaporating into the air. 15 seconds in. I can see the finish line. My focus is still on my leg.

Suddenly I start doing crunches. It comes as a complete surprise, though it really shouldn't. I groan and sigh. They are quicker and stronger than the knee was for a little while, as if making up for the fact I was still for 15 while seconds. I turn over and resign to let my body do whatever it wants. There's no controlling it.

I will never again take stillness for granted.

Bad days, Good thoughts.

The past few days I have had at least one seizure a day, and the tremors have been bad. My shrink appointment was moved to Monday so on top of the seizures I've been fighting panic attacks. 

Something people don't understand about seizures is that they don't stop when the shaking stops. For hours if not a full day after your brain just doesn't work right. It's like there's a part of your brain that just turned off. A lot of people discribe it like your trying to do stuff in a heavy fog, but instead of on the outside, it's on the inside of your head.

I'm fighting against my own brain to even communicate through writing.

Things will get better though. I'm certain. Monday is my first appointment with the neuro psyciatrist. It's the first step in my journey to healing.

Till then I'm going to dream about my future. I'm going to have an off the grid homestead with chickens, bees, goats, and alpacas...and maybe ducks. I'm going to get more cats. Some for barn mousing and some for house mousing. And I'm going to have a dog, and a teacup piggy named Hildisvin.

I'll have a veggie and herb garden, an orchard, some berry bushes, and maybe a natural pool.

My brain isn't good on details right now, but I'm happily thinking of all the warm hugs and cuddles I'll be getting. Much like the cuddles I'm getting right now...

Doing nice things! It makes you happy!

The day isn't yet over, but Willow and I lay in our guest room listening to the kids across the street sing into a megaphone. Some of those songs are for me.

I hear them singing a lot. I always love it. They have nice voices and really get into the music! It gives me good feelings. Today, however I got up the courage to write a thank you note and leave my house. I left my hose on my own to deliver it. It was seriously only across the street, but I did it on my own. They sang me a song as they walked me home. They are sweet kids.

I bought a homeless lady an a&w meal. She smiled.

I gave the mail man brownies. He left a note to thank me.

I want to make everyone smile. That's all I want. I want everyone to be happy.

Rediculous

I was still living at The Duck. Things were simple, but the house was uncharicteristicly dirty. I was hungry, but the only clean dish was an ashtray. This was also very uncharicaristic as everyone smoked in that house. There was still a bit of ash in the bowl, but I was hungry and it didn't matter.

I returned to my bedroom. My mattress was on the floor, and dirty laundry was piled everywhere,but Joe lay playing on his phone on my bed. It made me smile so I crawl into bed with him, my ashtray full of food.

Suddenly a bee comes through the window. I didn't even realize it was open. I'm going into full on panic attack with tears streaming down my face begging Joe to get it. He gets up calmly and starts trying, but it always gets away. 

I wake up in a full blown panic attack in my house now to realize it was a dream. I feel tears on my face. My pulse races. My heart throbs achingly in my chest. I'm having a hard time breathing. And I have to calm myself down, because I actually love bees and it was all just a nightmare. Joe is snoring softly beside me and all is right with the world. I just need to convince my body.

It takes a while.

Moral of the story: I hate nightmares. I always have nightmares. Every single night. Sleep is badass. I need more of it.

Dreams

I wanted to be Han Solo when I was younger. Fly around places with my best friend in my ship,always playing the reluctant hero. I kept a bag packed in case by some miracle I could escape this hell-hole, and become a hero like Han Solo. I wanted aliens to save me and just give me the chance.

Now I dream of escaping my bed. Leaving my house, and making a difference. No ones going to rescue me. I'm on my own with this. I've got to fight for it. I just need help figuring which way to shoot.

I had 2 seizures before 10am. Who do I fire my blaster at to stop this? 

I'm very depressed today. I'm trying not to be. I'm trying very hard. I'm just tired. I just need to get more sleep. Maybe the nightmares are a product of sleepiness and I can sleep and have happy dreams.

I don't feel like a badass today, but I have tomorrow. I'll try again tomorrow.

I'm back!

I've been gone for a while. Life pulled a stunt and made this blog, a font of strength, trigger my seizures. I had to stop my blog, and cancel my facebook (something that won't be coming back)

A lot, and not much has happened in the time since closing. I have gotten worse. I have a lot of seizures. I have a lot of tremors. I've gotten new symptoms and lost old ones.

The most interesting one is I am mostly mute. I can't speak most times. I make grunts and make awkward sounds "bur and zuh" are frequent sounds. When I can speak, it sounds like I have Down's syndrome. It's because of that, even when I can talk, I choose not to.

Because of this, I've begun learning ASL. It's interesting, and although learning too much, or thinking too much, causes seizures, I find it's worth it. I can communicate with friends and family.

I've been using Bill Vickers lessons on you tube. They are so funny and fun. I learn a lot from them.

My brain is not sharp. These blogposts are not going to be artistic. But I'm going to keep trying because I have to. I need to keep going and keep improving. Even during hard times, I have to try to be the best me I can be.

Because that is what a badass is.