Time to Saddle Up

“In my acting, I have to indentify with something in the character. The big tough boy on the side of right – that’s me. Simple themes. Same me from the nuances. All I do is sell sincerity and I’ve been selling the hell out of that ever since I started.”  — Time Magazine, June 1967

“Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway.”

John Wayne is heavy in my thoughts at the moment. It's late, and I can't sleep. Needless to say he was a "man's man." but he (and his characters) had some profound things to say on the subject of strength and bravery. They are words I desperately need to hear.

My friend is in a prolonged legal battle with her abusive husband. She is scared of him, and she has every right to be. He made a habit of building her up and breaking her down. He hurt her physically, and scared her soul for life.

I've been there. I've been raped and abused. I know the confusion and terror. I know the self doubt and blame. For 12 years those ghosts have haunted me just as they will haunt her. It's just part of being a survivor...dealing with the past.

I'm terrified of her husband. He doesn't work on any logical principals that I can define. He lets anger rule his actions. Because he is stubborn he wont let that anger go. He is capable of anything, I believe this includes murder. He has dealt death before. He's capable of killing.

I'm going to preface this by saying I have a deep and fervent respect for our soldiers. They take wounds of mind and body for our country. I love our soldiers. I wanted to be one. I tried to enlist in the Air Force a few years back (that's another story for another day).  I havemany friends who've come back scarred. I've held friends who've come back heavier for their burdens. I've seen them crawl into a bathrooms to cry. I've heard their stories. It's awful. I love them for their sacrifice, and despite it. These men and women are human beings forever changed by war.

The man who my friend is fighting is a former Soldier. He has killed. I hold no delusions about that. I also harbor no disillusion that he could kill me quite easily. Despite an "Order of Protection" forbidding him from having firearms except while on duty, he still owns them. He still uses them in competitions. What's more he knows how to use them. He's used them before. Even with firearms out of the picture, I'm not the most fit person on the best of days. He is not only fit, but he is trained. He is a trained killer with no self control. I am terrified of him. It's not the killer part, either. It's that he's proven he cant reign in the violence.

Despite this, I want to do everything within my power to keep my friend and her child safe. I offered today to testify against him in court. It probably wont happen. She has a lot of evidence, and a damn fine lawyer. Anything I have will be a single sprinkle in an ice cream sundae. If I'm called to it, however, I will go. I want to keep them safe.

I helped her escape from him the final time. I jokingly called it "Operation Rescue the Princess." Humor is how I deal with fear. To be frank, however. I was scared he would find out. I was scared he would try and kill us. I was scared he would pull a gun. I was scared he would kill me. I was more scared he'd try and kill my friend. I laughed and joked. I dismissed that I was scared because fear is useless in environments like that.

I would have taken that bullet for her, though. Going into it, I imagined I would have to. I still imagine him freaking out because something doesn't go his way in court and him trying to kill us. He's already threatened my life. He literally said "I would have killed you."

His lawyer asked for my address. I wish I was strong enough to protect what I love without the shield of anonymity. I wish I could say that if he came at me with a gun I could defend myself. The fact of the matter is, however, I can't. I know my limitations. I am weak. What's more I am a safe unknown location in which my friend can bolt to if he comes after her. I need that protection. She needs that protection.

But what is bravery? Despite the terror clenching in the pit of your stomach. It is taking care of what needs to be done because it needs doing, because it's right.  I need to look beyond my fear, and beyond my own outrage to do what is right and what is needed. I need to take John Waynes advice and own it.

All I really want is peace. Peace for her, and peace for me. I wish he would just go away and leave her alone. He's a threat to her and the baby. I want to protect them. I will continue being brave, but I wish I was in a place where I didn't have to be. I wish he was reasonable. I wish he would step beyond his anger and become a good father.

It's time to saddle up, though. I will fight for her. I will fight for her kid because it is right and it needs to be done. I love that kid. I love being an "auntie." I love my friend. She is level headed when I'm blowing up, and encourages me to do the responsible thing. She encourages me to overcome my faults and be the best person I can be. I can't live without her. I am not whole without her and her kid. I will protect them with my life.

I don't know if this is bravery, of a stubborn unwillingness to look facts in the face. I hope it's bravery. If it is, I hope I continue being brave.

118 Miles Per Hour

The other day I was in  my math class. The professor, a happy and contented man who must be a wizard with the complexity of the equations he computes in his head, had us starting on statistics. For data he asked us "What is the fastest you've driven in a car?"

"90" says the first girl.
"85" says the second.
It is my turn after that.

In a flash I am driving down I-95. It's about 1 am and the roads are clear. It's only the trees bending mournfully over the shoulder of the interstate, and me. It was a dark time in my life, death seemed sweet and I was wistful, longing for its embrace. I didn't want to go home to my piece of crap job, and the husband who ignored me. I didn't want to move toward the future, because however dark my past and present were, my future looked worse.

My foot tensed and I pressed the gas as far as it would go. The trees started blurring together into a wall. I went faster and faster: 85mph, 90mph, 95mph, 100mph. I didn't want to die, really. That's not why I wanted speed. I wanted to move faster than the darkness. I wanted to move past the future and into something better. I was terrified that the darkness was all that was there, and I just wanted proof that there was a reason to keep hoping: 105mph, 110mph. I felt sick. The fire of rage filled my gut, crawled over my shoulders and pushed me back in my seat: 115mph. If I flipped the car. If I ran into the guard rail and it impaled me, leaving me to gurgle my last breaths it would be okay. I at least died trying: 116mph. Mom would cry though, and no one would be there to protect my kid brothers: 117mph. And my cat couldn't take care of himself, I needed to be there to clean and make sure she ate well. My husband wasn't going to do it: 118mph. Responsibility punched me in the face. I took my foot off the gas and coast back to the speed limit ignoring the fact I outran nothing; ignoring the hard coal in my stomach as the fire went out, and ignoring the drops of salt water tickling my chin.

The professor called on me again. "118" I responded.
The girl next to me leaned over, "You aren't lieing are you."

I grin and shake my head. I feel glorious then and there. I feel like I have wings of fire and arms of pure light. I am a badass! It's not because I hit one of the fastest speeds in the class (beat out by a wonderful lady with a big mouth and a Mustang going 120mph). It's because there was happiness in my future after all. I made it through hell with my own strength. My classmates see a number and think "daredevil" I see a dark night on the interstate and think "triumph."

Because Snakes Are Badass!

Snake Ownership can be pretty badass. It makes me feel unique and proud that I can be knowledgeable enough about something out of the norm to own one. On top of that it gives me a certain deep seated pleasure to know that Iwillingly, and without reservations, love something others find abhorrent or gross for no other reason than the social stigma.

What's more, Balsa is a surprisingly affectionate and loving snake. It's not that I make a habit of anthropomorphising animals. I really don't. I understand that to a snake I am a warm moving tree in which to climb. Snakes aren't all that bright and mostly predatory. Balsa, however, enjoys sleeves and pockets. She almost never bites. I say almost never because I got lax in my habits because she doesn't bite. I reached into her tank and towards her hiding spot directly after handling food. Needless to say, she figured things out quickly, and didn't even break skin. My rats bit me more often. So it's not that she gives kisses like a dog, or curls in my lap like a cat. She exists, and allows you the opportunity to exist near her. As far as snakes go, that's super affectionate.

Feeding her is amazing every time. I love the way her scales stretch and show the pale skin underneath. I love the way either side of her mouth moves independently. I love how her mouth opens too big.

Owning a snake is a badass thing. I love it!

Ingress

Today, I wanted adventure. I demanded adventure. The pressure inside to go out and move, do, and explore proved too much. So I gathered some friends.

C- My main man with the gorgeous hair.
T- My trusty sidekick and ever optimistic Sith Alchemist.

Then we went out down town to try this new game I downloaded called Ingress. Basically it's an Augmented Reality game where you visit landmarks and claim them for one of two sides: The Enlightened, who seeks to move humanity to a higher state of exsistance, and The Resistance, who are a bunch of hippies that no one cares about...

I'll give you 3 guesses to decide which I chose.

We spent about an hour downtown messing around with the game. Along the way we discovered several dark alleys (did I mention it was late evening when we went? From 10:15p till 11:30p) 2 new pizza places and several new beer dispensaries. I am tickled.

My first woodworking project

A bit ago I showed an interest in learning wood working. Now, this happens to be something that my boyfriend enjoys.He was happy to oblige me by helping me make my second piece. (my first woodworking piece is an abomination....we don't talk about it...)

I was hesitant to post this at first because it was a failure and my boy had to save it in the end, but it's mine, I learned things. It is through our failures that we grow into better people.

I now introduce to you....our recent kitchen addition....my K-cup holder.

Be Excellent to Each Other

I used to be so good at this. I was quiet and reserved my judgement. I treated everyone with care and respect. Even the people I hated I gave them the understanding they needed...

I don't know what happened...

I hate people without understanding them now. I don't reserve judgement. I think "Oh, he's right," and "Oh, he must be dumb because he's wrong!" I back these movements and policies without understanding both sides with impartiality.

It needs to stop.

I shouldn't be saying "You are right because I agree with you," or anything like that. What my words and deeds should reflect is not one of anger, hate, or ego. It should be peace and kindness.

I was thinking about all the fantastic movies and books I've seen where badasses say that we should treat others with dignity and respect. I went everywhere from the bible to the grocery store. Finally, though I found a quote that will hopefully inspire me to be a better person....


"Be excellent to each other."
~Wild Stallions *air guitar*

Garden of badassdom

I know its not much an update, but here's my garden.