Time to Saddle Up

“In my acting, I have to indentify with something in the character. The big tough boy on the side of right – that’s me. Simple themes. Same me from the nuances. All I do is sell sincerity and I’ve been selling the hell out of that ever since I started.”  — Time Magazine, June 1967

“Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway.”

John Wayne is heavy in my thoughts at the moment. It's late, and I can't sleep. Needless to say he was a "man's man." but he (and his characters) had some profound things to say on the subject of strength and bravery. They are words I desperately need to hear.

My friend is in a prolonged legal battle with her abusive husband. She is scared of him, and she has every right to be. He made a habit of building her up and breaking her down. He hurt her physically, and scared her soul for life.

I've been there. I've been raped and abused. I know the confusion and terror. I know the self doubt and blame. For 12 years those ghosts have haunted me just as they will haunt her. It's just part of being a survivor...dealing with the past.

I'm terrified of her husband. He doesn't work on any logical principals that I can define. He lets anger rule his actions. Because he is stubborn he wont let that anger go. He is capable of anything, I believe this includes murder. He has dealt death before. He's capable of killing.

I'm going to preface this by saying I have a deep and fervent respect for our soldiers. They take wounds of mind and body for our country. I love our soldiers. I wanted to be one. I tried to enlist in the Air Force a few years back (that's another story for another day).  I havemany friends who've come back scarred. I've held friends who've come back heavier for their burdens. I've seen them crawl into a bathrooms to cry. I've heard their stories. It's awful. I love them for their sacrifice, and despite it. These men and women are human beings forever changed by war.

The man who my friend is fighting is a former Soldier. He has killed. I hold no delusions about that. I also harbor no disillusion that he could kill me quite easily. Despite an "Order of Protection" forbidding him from having firearms except while on duty, he still owns them. He still uses them in competitions. What's more he knows how to use them. He's used them before. Even with firearms out of the picture, I'm not the most fit person on the best of days. He is not only fit, but he is trained. He is a trained killer with no self control. I am terrified of him. It's not the killer part, either. It's that he's proven he cant reign in the violence.

Despite this, I want to do everything within my power to keep my friend and her child safe. I offered today to testify against him in court. It probably wont happen. She has a lot of evidence, and a damn fine lawyer. Anything I have will be a single sprinkle in an ice cream sundae. If I'm called to it, however, I will go. I want to keep them safe.

I helped her escape from him the final time. I jokingly called it "Operation Rescue the Princess." Humor is how I deal with fear. To be frank, however. I was scared he would find out. I was scared he would try and kill us. I was scared he would pull a gun. I was scared he would kill me. I was more scared he'd try and kill my friend. I laughed and joked. I dismissed that I was scared because fear is useless in environments like that.

I would have taken that bullet for her, though. Going into it, I imagined I would have to. I still imagine him freaking out because something doesn't go his way in court and him trying to kill us. He's already threatened my life. He literally said "I would have killed you."

His lawyer asked for my address. I wish I was strong enough to protect what I love without the shield of anonymity. I wish I could say that if he came at me with a gun I could defend myself. The fact of the matter is, however, I can't. I know my limitations. I am weak. What's more I am a safe unknown location in which my friend can bolt to if he comes after her. I need that protection. She needs that protection.

But what is bravery? Despite the terror clenching in the pit of your stomach. It is taking care of what needs to be done because it needs doing, because it's right.  I need to look beyond my fear, and beyond my own outrage to do what is right and what is needed. I need to take John Waynes advice and own it.

All I really want is peace. Peace for her, and peace for me. I wish he would just go away and leave her alone. He's a threat to her and the baby. I want to protect them. I will continue being brave, but I wish I was in a place where I didn't have to be. I wish he was reasonable. I wish he would step beyond his anger and become a good father.

It's time to saddle up, though. I will fight for her. I will fight for her kid because it is right and it needs to be done. I love that kid. I love being an "auntie." I love my friend. She is level headed when I'm blowing up, and encourages me to do the responsible thing. She encourages me to overcome my faults and be the best person I can be. I can't live without her. I am not whole without her and her kid. I will protect them with my life.

I don't know if this is bravery, of a stubborn unwillingness to look facts in the face. I hope it's bravery. If it is, I hope I continue being brave.