I've been sick recently. I'm not dieing, I don't think, but it's painful and awful none-the-less. My mother has a chronic disease called Lupus. After more than a few months of dealing with Lupus like symptoms, I went in for a blood test. I find out in a few weeks if I have it.
Honestly, I'm scared. I would rather it be cancer than Lupus. With cancer you either die painfully or live painfully for a couple years before getting better. Lupus isn't like that. You live the entire span of your life taking pills in the double digits, and still you deal with constant pain, fatigue, and ass tons of other scary symptoms. And then there are the side effects the pills give. I've seen my mother fight against loosing herself to the disease. It's a constant struggle for her.
I didn't sleep well last night. My legs ached so badly, and I couldn't find a position to make the pain abate the slightest. This is a common thing for me now-a-days. It's been months since I had a full restful night sleep.
Today, I'm finding it painful to type. My hand hurts with every stroke of the keys, and my shoulder is constantly in pain. My knee has a sharp achy pain.
I know that around 2 I'm going to hit my limit of what I can do today. I'm going to become so exhausted my body just wont work.
I'm very scared because I might have lupus. I don't know for certain, yet, but the possibility is there.
There aren't many who know what's going on. I can count on one hand. I'm afraid I'll lose friendships. I'm afraid I'll lose my boyfriend. I'm afraid I'll lose my job before I even get it.
I have a friend. She is very "Mind over matter." I'm afraid she'll not understand and tell me to toughen up when I'm doing the best I can. The thing is...she's my best friend. I don't think I could live with her constantly telling me to suck it up.
My boyfriend is so understanding. I love him, and he loves me, but how much of this can he really put up with? Could he really take the changes that this would bring to our relationship?
If I have Lupus, I don't think I'll be able to teach. This hurts REALLY bad. I've been working so hard, but people don't care about effort. They want results. Teaching is hard enough for a healthy person. The first few years are especially hard. With Lupus, I'd have less energy, and more pain than a healthy teacher by a LONG shot. In short, I would not survive my first year teaching. I'd probably have to give up that dream.
Then there would be the constant doctors appointments...the strain on financial resources...
Honestly, there's no point in living at that point. I'd constantly be in pain. I'd constantly be exhausted. I'd have lost friends and lovers. Most of all I'd have lost my future. I don't thing I could bear that kind of heart ache.
The diagnosis isn't in. It could be Lyme disease. It could be a vitamin deficiency. It could be anything...but my worst fear is that it's lupus. I would rather have cancer than lupus.
I keep trying to figure out a way that I could flip this into something good and positive. The only thing I can really do is wait, and be strong. Even if I'm afraid I need to soldier on because life isn't gonna hand me a free pass because I got sick. Come what may, I'll carry on because that's all there is.
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