A Day

 Ah, today! Of all the days I've had it has been one of them! It hasn't been either bad or good.

I'm getting FND symptoms so that's fun, However I've done my studies, made breakfast, taken out the trash, and given the cats their flea treatment. 

I haven't taken my pills yet because Walmart is still filling some of them. 

Yesterday was good. I got my car back from the shop and cleaned out the pantry. Today I clean out the Tupperware. 

I also cat/chicken sit today. I do so Friday and Saturday too. Friday I go visit Patty and get some pool time in as well as make cookies with her. I look forward to seeing her. 

I don't know. I might have to lay down, though. I'm really not feeling well. Thank goodness it's only stretching today.

2 Days in a Row!

 Yesterday was a very productive day, despite my FND rearing its ugly head. I did my learning stuff, stretched for my exercise challenge, Did a full shower (a big deal usually I skip a step like brushing my teeth or washing my feet) I cleaned out under the kitchen sink and cleaned the Cleaning Cabinet. I went to the library to check out a book on Java,  I took my car into the shop. and had some much needed Rachel time, and I even put away 3 loads of laundry. All this before my FND kicked my ass for a while. Then I spent some time with Cody. 

I did  not stay under calorie yesterday. I think I will today, however. Straying under calories is hard. 

Today's exercise challenge in couch to 5k and stretching. The cleaning challenge is to clean out the pantry. 

I'm going to start a Pathfinder game I think. I'll work on that a bit today. It's going to be a level 1 campaign I think. I'm drawing a lot of inspiration from Dimension 20. I really like Mulligan's approach to DMing. He's engaging and really focused on player fun levels.

No VIP Kid lessons again today. Honestly, I'm kinda glad I haven't been getting them. Aside the major financial hurdle, I've had a lot of time for self improvement. I still can't wait to be healthy enough to work, and I'm dreading the day my FND takes me out for a day or more and really pushes back my progress...but

Riding on Yesterday's Successes

 I begin my day journaling because I cant seem to make my brain do enough to learn right now.

Yesterday went well mostly. I succeeded in cleaning out the fridge (Forgot before and after pictures) I exercises, doing the couch to 5k on the bike as well as stretching. I did a lot of learning stuff. I then crashed and took a 2 hour nap. When I awoke I had some minor FND symptoms. It took so long to get going again. However, I did put away a basket of laundry and hung out with Cody. I also stayed under calories for the day. Go me!

I forgot to go to the library. It was all too much. Perhaps today I can go. I need a learning Java book. I learned from Cody that Java and Javascript are two different programing languages. That's dumb, but it is what it is.

Today continues my Challenges. I clean under the kitchen sink and stretch for 15 minutes. I might sit on the bike for 10 minutes too. I don't know. We'll see where my energy levels are at. 

So the 3 main goals for today are: Cleaning Challenge, Exercise Challenge, and Library.

Until then: I updated my desktop:

Doing the Thing

 I got a lot done yesterday, though not as much as I had hoped. I baked bread, picked up some things at the grocery store, and did my learning stuff on Khan Academy and Duolingo. I cleaned a little and spent some time with Cody. We had Ravioli for dinner. It was amazing!

This morning I've done well in my learning, but the library was closed yesterday so I have to go in today for a book on programming. I've decided on Java after a discussion with Cody. It's going to be the most versatile language for me. 

TODAY STARTS THE CHALLENGES!!! I'm very excited about them. Today I start couch to 5k and do 15 minutes of stretching as well as clean out the fridge. I'll post before and after pictures tomorrow. 

Today I will also do a photo shoot for my VIPKid profile picture. I think maybe I look too stern in my picture and I need something lighter and happier. That means a full face of makeup. Bleh. I'm breaking out bad.

I'm going to start doing my full skin care routine today. Wash face, toner, and moisturize twice a day. I splurged a little and bought both AM and PM moisturizers. I've used them before with great success. With how I've been breaking out lately, I need it. 

I've also been cutting back on smoking. I'm down to 10 cigarettes' a day from a full pack of 20. The sooner I quit the better for all areas of my life. I'd like to start Chantix again, but insurance is an issue...because money. In the meantime I'll cut back little by little.

I spent some time yesterday working on meal planning worksheets. It includes calories as well as cost per item. (Food is expensive, yo) 

Schedule for today is:

5:00 AM - Wakeup and Morning Routine

Coffee, Cigarette, Breakfast, Take Pills Relaxing and Waking up

6:00 AM - VIP Kid

Or Learning

9:00 AM - Exercise Challenge

10:00 AM - Shower Routine

11:00 AM - Cleaning Challenge

12:00 PM - Lunch

1:00 PM - Daily Chores

Clean Litter Boxes, Laundry, Dishes, Take out Trash, Tidy Office

3:00 PM - Free Time

Focus on Wedding Stuff

5:00 PM - Make Dinner

6:00 PM - Cody Time

8:00 PM - Bedtime Routine

Rinse in Shower, Brush Teeth, Wash Face, Read

9:00 PM - Bedtime

Busy Bee

 So I got really into Khan Academy. Like super into it. Something about getting a percentage really gets me going. I mastered Early Math and Second Grade Math. I'll start in on 3rd Grade later today or tomorrow. I'm also working on Grammar, Middle School Bio, and Native American History. My English Lessons take the form of reading a bit of Les Mis currently. I am also still doing Duolingo. I'm currently on the prowl for a good spelling and coding program. Needs to be free, but it doesn't have to be geared towards adults. Any ideas?

I thought I was almost done with the sleeve of the sweater I've been working on. Turns out I was accidentally decreasing a stitch on every line. I didn't realize it till I was most of the way through. That's what I get for making up the pattern as I go. Anyway, I tore out the mistake (2 days worth of work) and I fixed the error for coming stitches. 

Still nothing on the VIP Kid front. I'll redo my intro video today and see if that's the reason I'm not getting booked. I'll also update the profile picture.

I also want to BOTH exercise and clean today. I want to get the laundry DONE...well at least all the laundry put away. I'll leave Rachel to actually DO the laundry. It's not that I can't do it. Stairs are just the devil. Also, I have a lot of laundry to put away and it's going to take it out of me. 

Cody and I had a GREAT conversation about intimacy yesterday that really enlightened me as to my own failings. He needs to feel sexy and desirable. I haven't been doing that. I've built it up in my head that men just automatically feel good about themselves. It's completely untrue and when I actually thought about it, the old way of thinking just didn't make sense in the context of my world view. 

I might hit the library later today to pick up some learning books. Not novels. I have more than enough of those. I just need something to broaden my mind. Maybe pick up a beginning coding book? A friend suggested that. It's been a hot minute since I've been to a library. I have such good memories in them. I'm rather excited. 

Maybe later on (Not today) I'll start reading some books for Youtube in an effort to make some money. I probably wont make much, if at all, but it's a fun thing to do.

Tomorrow starts into the CHALLENGE schedule. Monday is:

EXERCISE CHALLENGE: 15 minutes stretch and couch to 5k on the bike. 
CLEANING CHALLENGE: Clean out the fridge.

I'm kinda stoked for the cleaning challenge, but not the exercise challenge. Exercising is hard as I am VERY out of shape. However, I need to get better and this is how I do it. I get very winded just going up the stairs. It's ridiculous! I used to bike 10 miles to and from work on the regular. This is just silly.

Also I'm sitting at 316 lbs. It's so much weight. I need to eat better, but I need money to be able to do that. Once I get a job or disability comes in I can focus on that. For now it's on the back burner. It's hard to diet when all you have in the house are high calorie low density foods. Bleh! Breakfast today was a hand full of nuts. Lunch will probably be canned pasta or microwave mac n cheese. Dinner will be Ravioli (Cody is cooking.

Oh! I wanted to make bread today so I can start doing PB and Js. That way I don't have to spend money on bread. I mean, I have all the ingredients. Why not, right?

Wow, Today is going to be busy. I hope I have the stamina to do as I plan. 

I've Been Thinking

I've been thinking. I have spent so long trying to achieve goals that I've forgotten to celebrate my successes, not just recently, but throughout my life. 

I got my master's degree. I didn't think I could. I almost quit in the end, but I did it! Was it worth it? Yes. I would have done some things differently, but it was so worth it.

When my FND was at its worst, I fought back. I taught myself how to read again. I taught myself how to walk again. I did it with minimal medical guidance. I did that. Me!

I crawled out of poverty to a point where I could live comfortably. And although at this point that isn't the case, I have done it before and I can do it again.

I have done so many hard things in my life and I've come out victorious. I can do hard things!

Monday Starts the Challenges

Monday begins the Daily Challenges for both Cleaning and Exercising. I've included them below for funsies in case anyone wants to try them with me. Or alternatively I could use encouragement for the days that are going to be hard. Mondays are going to be hard for exerciusing. They start a new thing every week. 

Cleaning

Clean out the fridge	Clean out under kitchen sink	Organize the pantry	Organize Tupperware	Clean counters and cabinets	Organize coffee stand and kitchen pantry	Sweep and mop
Tidy living room	Mount tv	Set up bookshelves	Take down Christmas tree	Clean bar and table	Set up cat fountain and organize corner boxes	Sweep and mop
Take stuff to the crawlspace	Clean bird bath	Sweep, mop and vacuum include office	Take care of laundry	Tidy bedroom	Change sheets in bedroom lay rug	Clean and organize bookshelves
Clean and organize dresser	Clean and organize nightstands	Hang second curtain	Clean master bathroom	Declutter under the sink and above the toilet	Clean trash in Cody's office	Organize Cody's desk
Set up exercise area	Sweep and mop	Organize Cody's bookshelf	Hang pictures	Hang guitars	Take guitar cases to crawlspace	Clean coffee pot and dishwasher

Exercise 

15 minute stretch Couch to 5k	15 minute stretch	15 minute stretch  Couch to 5k	15 minute stretch	15 minute stretch  Couch to 5k	15 minute stretch	15 minute stretch
15 minute stretch Couch to 5k	15 minute stretch 30 minutes weights	15 minute stretch Couch to 5k	15 minute stretch boxing interval	15 minute stretch Couch to 5k	15 minute stretch 30 minutes weights	15 minute stretch boxing interval
30 minute stretch couch to 5k	30 minute stretch 30 minutes weights	30 minutes stretch couch to 5k	30 minutes stretch boxing interval	30 minutes stretch couch to 5k	30 minutes stretch 30 minutes weights	30 minutes stretch boxing interval
30 minute stretch couch to 5k 30 minutes weights	30 minutes stretch boxing interval legs	30 minutes stretch couch to 5k 30 minutes weights	30 minutes stretch boxing interval legs	30 minutes stretch couch to 5k 30 minutes weights	30 minutes stretch boxing interval legs	30 minutes stretch weights and legs
30 minute stretch couch to 5k 30 minutes weights	30 minutes stretch boxing interval legs	30 minutes stretch couch to 5k 30 minutes weights	30 minutes stretch boxing interval legs	30 minutes stretch couch to 5k 30 minutes weights	30 minutes stretch boxing interval legs	30 minutes stretch weights and legs
30 minute stretch couch to 5k 30 minutes weights	30 minutes stretch boxing interval legs	30 minutes stretch couch to 5k 30 minutes weights	30 minutes stretch boxing interval legs	30 minutes stretch couch to 5k 30 minutes weights	30 minutes stretch boxing interval legs	30 minutes stretch weights and legs
30 minute stretch couch to 5k 30 minutes weights	30 minutes stretch boxing interval legs	30 minutes stretch couch to 5k 30 minutes weights	30 minutes stretch boxing interval legs	30 minutes stretch couch to 5k 30 minutes weights	30 minutes stretch boxing interval legs	30 minutes stretch weights and legs

Duolingo and a Day Off

 I took the day off today. Stayed up late with Cody getting intoxicated and doing Star Trek things. It was nice.

A thing I've been very into lately has been Duolingo. I've been brushing up on my Japanese. It's been fun, and I've been doing a lot of lessons every day. It's not because I have some super big end goal, either. I just enjoy it. 

I still need to stretch today. I did it yesterday and I found that I was able to move a lot better. 

The point of the post is that 'm improving. It's slow, but I'm improving. 

Now If I could just get VIPKid to be lucrative. 

I called Disability Services yesterday. They said it could take 3 months to get approved. I put in my paperwork on August 4th. I just need money. It would be better to have disability and move slowly into a part time job. This is both speaking for my health and financially. I just hope they get my paperwork pushed through quickly so that I can really focus on getting better and not on getting money. 

I'm starting a cleaning and exercise daily challe4nge starting Monday. Things that need to be done around the house like clean out the fridge and lay the rug in the bedroom for the cleaning challenge and the exercise challenge is to get me exercising with something every day and building up to an hour of daily exercise. This should help my energy levels. 

I have it posted on my calendar along with a daily schedule that I have yet to stick to. The only thing I'm, sticking to is I'm around my computer for VIP Kid time in the morning. It's better than nothing, though. I'm working hard at being a fully functioning human being. 

VIP Kid Flop and Flail

I got up early. I set my class time to peak hours. Still I have nothing to show for it other than 3 hours of gaming. I cleaned the litter boxers too. VIP Kid may be a time and money sink for me. I can only hope that disability comes in or a job is floated my way. I'm feeling hopeless. Not completely, but I am scared. 

I'm going to do some laundry today, and I may start in on the living room. I'll straighten up my office before that, though. 

I might cast some origami flowers too...I don't know. I'm going to try to be awake the whole day and then go to bed at 6pm so I can get up at 2am. 

Also, My contacts are not doing their job. I really have to lean in and squint at the screen to make sure I'm typing correctly. 

I might do a Hecate ritual to give me an outcome that will not lead me to losing the house. Yeah. She is the Goddess of the crossroads. Maybe she can help. I know no one else is.

Struggling

 I'm struggling to move to China time. My sleep schedule is all sorts of messed up. I'm going to start tutoring Monday whether I'm ready or not. 

I'm really nervous however, How will it effect disability? I need disability right now. I need money.

If I had money, I would take the cats to the vet and pay for the wedding. The rest would be given to Cody to put into savings for the future. I would love to have money for security. It would be so nice to not worry about money. 

So nice.

But I am trying so hard to make sure we are financially stable despite my inability to work regularly. I'm trying so flipping hard. I wish I could work/I want to be able to work a full time stressful job, but I can't yet. I want it so bad! I miss teaching so much!!

It's just so stressful that it triggers my FND so bad. I want this FND to leave me SO BAD!

New Schedule FOR NOW:

2:00 AM - Wake up and get ready
3:00 AM - VIP Kid
9:00 AM - Sleep
5:00 PM - Wake up Get ready
6:00 PM - Make Dinner
7:00 PM - Eat
8:00 PM - Cody Time 
10:00 PM - Get Ready for Bed
1!:00 PM - Sleep

Hopefully it works out.

Begrudging VIP Kid

 I signed up again for VIP Kid. I get to teach English to children from China. That will be fun. I'll do that until I get a teaching position at least. Until then, I'm going to become nocturnal. I flipped my schedule on its head. We'll see how it works out.

12:00 AM	VIPKID
12:30 AM	VIPKID
1:00 AM	VIPKID
1:30 AM	VIPKID
2:00 AM	VIPKID
2:30 AM	VIPKID
3:00 AM	VIPKID
3:30 AM	VIPKID
4:00 AM	VIPKID
4:30 AM	VIPKID
5:00 AM	VIPKID
5:30 AM	VIPKID
6:00 AM	VIPKID
6:30 AM	VIPKID
7:00 AM	VIPKID
7:30 AM	VIPKID
8:00 AM	VIPKID
8:30 AM	Sleep Routine
9:00 AM	Sleep
9:30 AM	Sleep
10:00 AM	Sleep
10:30 AM	Sleep
11:00 AM	Sleep
11:30 AM	Sleep
12:00 PM	Sleep
12:30 PM	Sleep
1:00 PM	Sleep
1:30 PM	Sleep
2:00 PM	Sleep
2:30 PM	Sleep
3:00 PM	Sleep
3:30 PM	Sleep
4:00 PM	Sleep
4:30 PM	Sleep
5:00 PM	Wake up Routine
5:30 PM	Wake up Routine
6:00 PM	Cody Time
6:30 PM	Cody Time
7:00 PM	Cody Time
7:30 PM	Cody Time
8:00 PM	Cody Time
8:30 PM	Cody Time
9:00 PM	VIPKID
9:30 PM	VIPKID
10:00 PM	VIPKID
10:30 PM	VIPKID
11:00 PM	VIPKID
11:30 PM	VIPKID

Whining

 I didn't follow the schedule today much either. I just don't feel well. I'm stressed. I did ride on the bike for 10 minutes, and I took my pills. I have done literally nothing else save for job hunting. It's consumed me.

I called one job that I have a connection to. They said that there might not be a job to fill after all. So that's pleasant news /s. I also talked with a recruiter for another company and she said that there are no jobs currently, but as soon as one becomes available she will push my application through. I've also applied to 2 other jobs today so far. I'm so tired of this. I just want a job I can physically do. We are seriously strapped for funding right now to the point where I'm not going to get more milk for my morning coffee. I also need to stop smoking for money as well as other reasons. I just lack discipline. 

I'm having such a hard time with life right now. FND is a bitch. I can't physically do things and mentally taxing tasks put me in a state. I'm just a useless lump because of the FND, and disability has yet to come through. I could really use that money right now. 

I should go clean. I think I'll take the day to focus on cleaning, even if I only get the trash out. I also will get some laundry done. 

I think I'd also like to do a money spell to get a job. 

I'm just so tired of being sick. I hate this disease and how it's wrecked my future. 

I should probably eat somethin too. 

Ugh.

Update

 I am dealing with an FND flair. It's rough. I'm coming out of it though. I'm applying to virtual jobs and trying very hard to come up with a job that pays the bills because money is an issue. Disability is taking forever to come through and I am le poor. I've applied to several jobs and have a recruiter looking for me. We'll see how that turns out.

In the meantime I'm trying to get back into doing a schedule. I'm being very adaptable in the schedule to start, but I really want to get working doing things instead of laying in bed reading or mindlessly scrolling tic-tok. 

7:00 - Exercise: stretching 10 minutes. Bike 20 minutes

7:30 - Morning Routine: Shower, Coffee, Breakfast (200 cal)Egg, Toast, Onions and Peppers, Job Hunt, Meds

8:30 - Chores: 20 minutes cleaning, 10 minutes rest
Daily: Litter, Dishes, Laundry 2 Rounds
Weekly: M: Kitchen, T: Living and Dining Room, W: Offices, Thursday: Bedroom, Friday: Bathrooms and Hallway 3 Rounds

11:00 - Lunch: (300 Cal) Ham/Turkey 3oz, Banana, and 1 c carrots

12:00 - Blog: Amazon Affiliate or Becoming a Badass

1:00 - Novel: Demon Hunter or Suicide Note

2:00 - Money Making Planning: Set up for Money making of the day.

2:30 - Money Making: M: Magic, T: Crafts, W: Reading, H: Gaming, F: Cooking

4:00 - Reading or Fun Crafts: Crochet, Wrap Pants tedious crafting.

5:30 - Wedding Crafts: Handfasting Cord or Flowers

6:00 - Dinner: (1000 Cal) Chicken, Veggies, and Rice

7:00 - TV Episode:

7:30 - Cody Time: M: Maker, T: Writing, W: Walk/Music, H:Game Night, F: Friend/Gaming

9:30 - Sexy Time

10:00 - Bedtime Routine: Rinse off (Brush teeth and Wash face), Night Tea, Reading 11:00 - Sleep

I haven't stuck with the schedule at all today.. I got up at 7:45 though my alarm went off at 7:00. I just had a hard time waking up. I had my coffee, but didn't eat. I did take my pills and apply for some jobs, though. I did zero cleaning, and I feel quite guilty about it. I skipped lunch in favor of getting right in on blogging.

Maybe I'll take some time and at least take out the trash. We desperately need the trash taken out. We have a swarm of flies and fruit flies living with us (and I hate it). My glasses are broken so I'm using my contacts which aren't good for close up. It's very hard to see the screen., Everything is blurry, but not as blurry as it is when I have no vision correction.

FND is hard, yo. I have trouble walking, bending down, I'm constantly fatigued. I know since this is my new normal I should power through it. I just can't seem to figure out how.

I am dog sitting all week this week. that's $20 a day for an hour of my time. The dogs are cute and well behaved, if a bit hyper, but money is money.