The perfect date

My perfect date is simple, but I have it all planned out in my head.

It's after work and I don't feel tired at all. Joe comes downstairs and says he wants to go out. He tells me to dress warm. I grab my coat and we load up in his truck. We talk, that is I talk as well as him all the way to a clear spot with no light pollution. He puts the car in park and we move to the bed of his truck which I didn't notice is filled with blankets and pillows. He pulls out a bottle of wine, something I like, a sweet red or a dry white. We drink and eat a picnic dinner of pizza and wine. Then we look up. It's then I realize it's a meteor shower. And we drink and watch metors and cuddle.

So that's my perfect date.

Sarahah

Before I get started on content, I got this new app where people can send anonymous messages. If you read this blog I would appreciate you telling me why you read my blog here or via Sarahah. I feel as though this blog has strayed from its original intent and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

ThornSidhe's Sarahah

So I have my sleep study tomorrow, and I'm super nervous. I was talking with a friend of mine who has sleep apnea, and he says it took him 5 months to get his cpap machine. I've only been at this for 2 months. That's forever! Well not literally, but I need to be better sooner rather than later so I can teach come September. Waiting till October is going to kill my productivity.

And what if there's nothing they can do? Will I be able to work and go back to school? I need to get back to normal. What does it take to get back to normal? What will it take?

Maybe I need to just muscle through it? Can I do it? I don't think I can. I need this.

I'm scared. I shouldn't be but I am. There's a lot at stake. So much...

But that's something I have to wait for. In the meantime I am looking forward to the sleep study. It's science! I get hooked up to wires and those wires are going to figure things out about me. And that's super cool! I'm trying to be more excited about it, but I am scared.

I'll post pictures and stuff probably while waiting to fall asleep or something.

One

something is wrong with me. There's this feeling that I have. I can't discribe it. It's like the world is inflated. It's too big. And not in an overwhelming way...like it's pregnant. I can't figure out why, or why it's important.

I'm crying a lot. Not like sobbing, just tears will just come. They just come out. I can carry on with whatever I'm doing. It's not distracting...it's just tears. But it means something. I know it does.

Maybe I'm stressed, but about what? And why am I not stressed out like I should be. I'm not stressed like I usually am. I'm not physically stressed. My stomach is fine. My head is fine.  Just the pregnant feeling and the tears.

I need to talk to someone, but what do I say? I feel like the world is bloated and I keep crying? That's stupid and way too the point. What would they say. Nothing, that's what. And it wouldn't solve anything.

But what do I do? Am I even stressed? Is this some sort of mental breakdown again?

Reasons I might be stressed:
Sleep study
Colposcopy
Road trip
Finances
Politics, and my innate fear of judgement
Joe and my relationship
Going back to school

I'm going to sleep and hope I feel better when I wake up.

Health, mental and physical

So I'm just laying here, exhausted out of my mind for no reason. I want cookies. I want ice cream. I have no money to go out and get it. I've spent too much money this month.

Trump said yesterday he's not letting trans people in the military. That's dumb. I really wish he'd get a psych evaluation. There is something not right with that man. And on one hand I'm outraged. I want justice. I want trump out of office and have his lips sewn shut. On the other hand I think that man needs help. Either way I don't approve of what he's saying.

I had a rough day yesterday. Complete with my dinosaur walk. I don't really talk much about my bad days, but they happen. And they've been happening more and more, worse and worse recently. I'm worried. I don't want to be bed ridden again. It's an overwhelming fear. I don't want to go down again.

Busy Bee

I have been very busy lately. Between camping, parties, and the incessant need for sleep I haven't got the important things done. So starting today I'm back on habitica. I'm going to get shit done no matter    How tired I am.

I say as Rowan starts sleeping on my chest, as it is rare I just kinda want to stay like this a while, but I'm so super sleepy. I may fall asleep typing this. Now if the cat weren't on my chest I'd get up and do dishes or something, but as it stands I DO have an adorable cat on my chest. So I'm probably going to take a nap.

He thankfully got up and now I'm off to get chores done.

When I'm rich I'm going to hire someone to help clean my house. I'm not good at it. I'm just not, and although I have improved I'm still not an adult. I suck at cleaning. What I mean by when I'm rich I mean when I have my own classroom. I make about 12k a year. I have since I started working. Teachers get paid 35k a year. That's more than double what I make now.

Yes I'll have student loans. Yes I'll have medical bills, but overall my net income will drastically increase. I'll have money to not be in debt. I'll have money to buy things like curtains, towels, and trips to the vet. I'll have money to go on trips without having to worry about money.

Of course I won't have time, especially in my first few years. The first few years of teaching is when you spend time setting lesson plans, working on classroom management and stuff like that. My free time will be spent working on my classroom. It will be stressful but worth it.

Now if willow doesn't lay down with me I'm off to clean.

What's in My Handbag

I have two purses. One is my everyday purse, and the other is the I mean business purse (Mainly used for traveling)

 This is my everyday purse. It's pretty simple. I carry a pen, snackage, my keys, my wallet, and more recently a hair thing. I also carry a lot of trash in my purse. This was a good excuse to clean it out.

 This is my "I mean business" purse. It is actually my favorite purse, but it is big so I don't use it much. I carry an agenda, which I don't use much anymore. I'll start using it again when school starts. Chap-stick, sunscreen, lotion, a lighter, a USB adapter for my car (and the charging cables to my phone) A first aid kit, a hair brush, a sewing kit. Altiods and tic tacs, a purse hanger for tables, a bloodstone for courage, and a Helm of Awe talisman for protection. I also have two mini bags in my big bag. One is for toiletries (which some of the freefloating stuff in my bag got moved to it) and my pride and joy: my pen organizer. Last but not least (but not shown) I have my pill container. I carry in it alieve and anti nausea pills.

 This is my toiletry bag. I put back the nail clippers after the photo was taken. But I carry toothbrush and toothpaste. A nail file, a glasses repair kit, and a wet-wipe. The rest of the stuff was free floating in my bag when I took the picture.

 Finally is my pride and joy: My pen case. I have a sharpie, highlighters, a pencil, 3 different black pens (A ball point, a thick nibed sharpie pen, and a thin nibed sharpie pen) and different colored sharpie pens.

I also carry 2 crayons for when I'm out with kids, a white out thingumee. Plastic divider tabs, a hole punch, and a stapler.

Let me know if there's anything I forgot in my "I mean business" bag in the comments below. I'm always adjusting my I mean business bag.

Rambling

Sometimes I think I don't have sleep apnea, but then there are nights like last night when I just know. I woke up 5 times in the middle of the night, my joints hurt this morning, and apparently my snores were heard through walls. I also woke up with a sore throats and a bloody nose.

I slept over my boyfriend's parents last night. It was nice sleeping in a functioning air conditioner. Ours is busted. It's so hot in the house it's hard to sleep. And it's so hot that it's hard not to want to curl up and escape the heat.

Today's goal is to do all of the dishes, and do laundry all day. Except a small portion which I will play my guitar.

sharing

I've been thinking a lot recently. It's easy to do when you're always laying down tired out of your mind.

I had a friend say some really nice things about me this weekend. It was really nice, but it also made me notice I don't get compliments on my appearance anymore. I mean it's part of being fat I guess, but noticing the void...it doesn't hurt, per se...I think it's just disappointing.

I've tried dieting the past few days. It hasn't worked. I eat very little (2 eggs and a banana) in the morning, then by late afternoon I'm cramming every little thing in my mouth. I'm so famished I can't stand it. I don't even realize I'm doing it till it's already half done. Zombie laura takes over and eats. I mean, I guess it's good that I have fruit around. Normally I go for that. Not veggies though. I wish I liked veggies more.

But anyway, the cooling in our house hasn't been working. I want to call the cooling people to take care of it, but I has literally no money to do so. I'm thinking of calling our landlords, or rather emailing thin, to see if they will pay, but I don't know how to ask.

Joe has understandably not been spending a lot of time at the house. It's hot and he doesn't do heat. But I miss him. My fatness makes me believe he doesn't want me anymore. I know it's not true, but I still think it, you know? And that's a personal demon I have to deal with. I should deal with it through diet and exercise. I know I should, but I like to eat. Maybe once I get a cpap machine I'll have the energy to exercise. Who knows though. I may be fat forever.

I see skinny girls and I wonder if I could do it. They can, shouldn't I be able to too? I mean, I see them trying to keep their shapes. Shouldn't I? I meant to try running this month, but I'm too lazy I guess.

Sloth is my new deadly sin. It used to be lust, but the antidepressant I'm on kills it for me. All I ever want to do is sleep, and I hate it. Even today when I have a little energy, I spend it doing chores instead of exercising.

If I don't get my life together soon it's all going to fall apart. I know it. I have a lot riding on this sleep study. I'm nervous it won't pan out. So very nervous.

I have a shit ton of dishes, more laundry than I know what to do with. I want to craft, but I have no energy. I want to play the guitar. I want to run. I want to do a push up, and a sit up. I want to make healthy balanced meals with few enough calories to get me to lose weight.

Maybe this cpap machine will make it better...

Plans

A week of teaching, 3 days of camping, and 3 days with my parents in town has thrown my cycles off. It has been incredibly fun, but also incredibly draining. Today all I want to do is sleep, and I have slept more than usual. But I need to get things done.

So the rest of this month is pretty mellow. I might be going out to Boston for a party, and I'm going to a gun show, but that's about it. So I'm going to use this month to get a handle on the household. Chores need to get done, and I'm way behind on them.

August is packed with business. Packed to the brim. I'm seeing a concert, I'm going to Kentucky, I'm keeping an eye on my aunt. I'm doing all sorts of things. The most important thing of all is that sleep study. I'm so tired of being tired.