sharing

I've been thinking a lot recently. It's easy to do when you're always laying down tired out of your mind.

I had a friend say some really nice things about me this weekend. It was really nice, but it also made me notice I don't get compliments on my appearance anymore. I mean it's part of being fat I guess, but noticing the void...it doesn't hurt, per se...I think it's just disappointing.

I've tried dieting the past few days. It hasn't worked. I eat very little (2 eggs and a banana) in the morning, then by late afternoon I'm cramming every little thing in my mouth. I'm so famished I can't stand it. I don't even realize I'm doing it till it's already half done. Zombie laura takes over and eats. I mean, I guess it's good that I have fruit around. Normally I go for that. Not veggies though. I wish I liked veggies more.

But anyway, the cooling in our house hasn't been working. I want to call the cooling people to take care of it, but I has literally no money to do so. I'm thinking of calling our landlords, or rather emailing thin, to see if they will pay, but I don't know how to ask.

Joe has understandably not been spending a lot of time at the house. It's hot and he doesn't do heat. But I miss him. My fatness makes me believe he doesn't want me anymore. I know it's not true, but I still think it, you know? And that's a personal demon I have to deal with. I should deal with it through diet and exercise. I know I should, but I like to eat. Maybe once I get a cpap machine I'll have the energy to exercise. Who knows though. I may be fat forever.

I see skinny girls and I wonder if I could do it. They can, shouldn't I be able to too? I mean, I see them trying to keep their shapes. Shouldn't I? I meant to try running this month, but I'm too lazy I guess.

Sloth is my new deadly sin. It used to be lust, but the antidepressant I'm on kills it for me. All I ever want to do is sleep, and I hate it. Even today when I have a little energy, I spend it doing chores instead of exercising.

If I don't get my life together soon it's all going to fall apart. I know it. I have a lot riding on this sleep study. I'm nervous it won't pan out. So very nervous.

I have a shit ton of dishes, more laundry than I know what to do with. I want to craft, but I have no energy. I want to play the guitar. I want to run. I want to do a push up, and a sit up. I want to make healthy balanced meals with few enough calories to get me to lose weight.

Maybe this cpap machine will make it better...