No one knows how far it goes

I am so very tired. I got 8 hours sleep, but I'm still exhausted. I'm up, but I'm not sure about the day. My class has a field trip to the library today. Can I keep up with them? I mean I'm sure I'll make do, but how far back will it push me.

I've been doing well this week so far. I've got my class under control and I've been able to do my own lessons. The teacher didn't give me enough to do so I've been winging it. I love having my own classroom for a week. It's almost like I'm a real teacher! I can't wait for my own classroom even more now.

-—-—-—-—-—-—-—

Well I made it through the day. The library was stressful. And it turns out that was what I needed to get through it, not coffee...though the coffee helped.

And I'm most of the way packed for camping this weekend. Just need to pack my clothes, my pills, and my pillow.

One more day of work, I dye my hair, then I'm off to drink with my friends in the woods. I may dye my hair blond tonight and colors tomorrow after work. I want to be out there at a decent hour, and while I still have daylight to set up camp.

Actually, yes. I'll dye my hair blond now:

Renew

I sit in a food lion parking lot smoking a cigarette before work. It's my first day of redoing my diet. Joe said he'd get us something special if I hit my goal weight. I had two eggs for breakfast. I know I'll be hungry by 10.

I'm planning a solo road trip to Kentucky to see the eclipse. It's on my bucket list and I don't know where the next eclipse will be. So I have to go. I want to go with someone, but no one can take off work. Therefore I go alone. Even so, I have a lot of fun stuff planned. I'm visiting a friend in Chattanooga and seeing the Parthenon in Nashville. I'm going to a trail of tears memorial and the Kelly little green man festival. It should be loads of fun, and I'm really looking forward to it.

I've been bad with habitica lately. Today I start that back up again too. Hopefully I'll get in the swing of things despite me working 5 hours a day.

Speaking of working, I'm really excited to be doing summer school. Not only am I doing the job I love, but I believe I am paid 100 dollars a day! I could be wrong, but I hope I'm not. So I'm off to teach my students!

I hope I didn't leave the stove on.

Spending too much money

I have officially bought 3 enamel lapel pins. The brussel sprout one was 7 bucks. The "Welcome to Nightvale" pins I bought with $20 I forgot I had from when my brother paid me back for a Christmas present 3 years ago.

 Here's what they look like.:

This is in honor of being vegetarian for a month

I'm considering buying Witcher III. It's on sale for 50% off. That's $25 for the main game and all the expansions. But I really should save that money for food for the rest of the month. Especially as I am going camping next weekend. I need that money for beers. Or I could skip camping and just focus on Kiddy Pool-ozza (A yard full of kiddy pools and a fridge full of beer). Which is also happening that weekend. I think I'll buy it if I get all my chores done today...which includes dusting...How do I even dust?

Sweet Dreams Are Made of These

It's 5pm and I've only been up for 3 hours today. I keep going back to sleep because I'm super exhausted. I just got up from my most recent nap. I'm thinking of going back to sleep again, but my to-do list is unfinished. I need to get something done today, no matter how tired I am.

The dreams I've been having are vivid. They haven't been nightmares, but they have been vivid. This is all because I stopped taking my nightmare pill. I'm fairly certain that if I get the c-pap machine I'll be taking them again because my dreaming will increase and that includes nightmares.

I want to go back to sleep so badly. It doesn't help that it's stupid hot in my house. Looking at the thermostat it's 84 degrees inside! Our AC doesn't work cuz the house is poorly insulated. The coolest place in the house is the bed with the window open and the fan pointed at my side of the bed.

I think I might go back to bed anyway. Screw my to-do list. But I have so many dishes to be done from my Midsummer feast.

What I really want to do is curl up and play video games.

What I'm actually going ot do is play the guitar and dishes.

New obsession

so I might be obsessed with enamel lapel pins now. I want to collect all of them and put them on a jean jacket and wear it around like a punk. I want sassy pins too. Like ones that say "bitch" and "hentai" I'm thinking of starting a Girl Scouts like reward system to start earning pins.
Like one that says "far out Brussels sprout" for doing a month of vegetarianism. And a guitar for learning my first 5 songs. Maybe the pack of cigarettes that day "bitch" for quitting smoking.

But then again they are awefully expensive I could better use my money for other things, like food, or stylish clothing, or wood for crafting. I don't know I like the idea of collecting enamel pins, but it's just so expensive...

So here are the events that can earn me a pin:
Vegetarian for a month
Quit smoking for 1 month
Quit smoking for a year
Lose 10 lbs (and each 10 lbs subsequent)
Play the guitar everyday for 1 month
Get a colposcopy
Get a sleep study
Get a mammogram
Get back into school
Attend a pub moot
Go to Kentucky for the solar eclipse

Ill talk it over with joe. He's good at helping me make hard choices.

I fail at lazy

I did stuff yesterday when I told myself I wouldn't. I actually did a lot, just none of my usual chores. I  worked on decorating my book of shadows, specifically the section on runes. I played the guitar because I enjoy playing the guitar. And most of all I went to a benefit concert. I wasn't going to go because I didn't have cash for the cover, but Joe, my hero, gave me some.

I went out to eat at Taco Bell for they have great vegetarian options and it was on my way out. I got a cheese quesadilla and nachos without meat. Now I've never liked refried beans, but this time I forced myself to eat them. I confess it was rather tasty.

Well then I drove down to Staunton to watch The Texin' Exes. They are really good. It was so much fun swaying to the beat. The bassist thrashed as he played the base, and the tight control of the drummer was accented by the guitarist dancing with his guitar. I highly recommend them. Like them on Facebook!

I saw so many fantabulous friends while I was there! We talked. We sang. We danced. It was an epic time. I even talked about possibly playing some D&D with a new GM.

There was even a rainbow!

And I won some art in a raffle! The title of this piece is "Lady." It reminds me of the Blue Meanies from "Yellow Submarine." But you know...Red. I spent $5 on tickets. The benefit was for mental health utilities in the area. And although I don't live in the range they support, I got to be a philanthropist and give back to the world at large. And I guess I got some art out of it too!

Today has been pretty good. I'm getting lots of stuff done. I added two new songs to my library: "Bad Moon Rising" and "Jolene" I'm still struggling with moving chords quickly and strumming. But that will come with practice. 

I said I wanted more music in my life, and I'm actively trying to include it in my life.

Lazy

I don't want to do anything today. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I have been so productive lately, and I'm tired. I'm going to lay around, play my guitar, and dick around on my phone.

And I guess I have to run to the landfill.

But mostly just laying around.

I am so tired. So very tired. Last night I had too much caffeine before bed. It made me restless, and I couldn't sleep. So what I did was print out a bunch of music. I couldn't play it since Joe was asleep, but I printed out a bunch of songs for the guitar. Apparently I know more songs than I thought I did.

But I ran out of ink before I could finish printing out all my songs.

I'm having trouble with strumming patterns with my music. I understand chords, notes, and everything else on the guitar. I know what to do to improve. But strumming is new to me. I don't know how to improve it. I don't even know where to begin learning how to improve. Should I even focus on that, or should I focus on the chords? I just don't know.

If I Won The Lottery...

If I won the lottery, say 100,000 dollars, I know exactly what I'd do with it. This is because I've thought about it a lot. The thought of having to not worry about money is appealing to me.

Let's pretend that taxes are paid for already so I have nice round numbers to work with. The general figure is 1/4 goes to debt, 1/4 to savings, 1/4 to charity, and 1/4 to whatever. That's $25,000 to each category.

I have 5800 in credit card debts that I'd wipe out first. This would give me more money to play with each month as I wouldn't be paying off my credit cards anymore. The rest would go to student loan debt. 25,000 would pay for a significant portion of my debts. I'd still have debt after, but it would be significantly less.

I want a Roth IRA. There is nothing sexier as I age than the concept of retirement. The problem is I've never made enough to put towards retirement. Having that cushion would be super nice. It would help me feel secure because in 30 years I plan on retiring. I mean I'll always work, but I never want to work for money. I want to work for job fulfillment. To be able to do that I need a nest egg...urngh!! So sexy.

I've always wanted to be a philanthropist. It's a way to help people without doing anything.  So I'd donate half of it to the local no kill cat shelter. That leaves $12500 that I'd spend on go fund me. There have been friends who've started go fund mes and I haven't been able to donate. If I had the money I could help others in the same predicament.

I have trouble paying for all the groceries that I want. I want good healthy eco friendly foods. And I have trouble paying for them. I also have a substantial book wishlist. I would love to have an unending supply of books. I also have an expensive hobby: woodworking. I could buy all the wood I needed to work my projects. I mean it's not like I'd be spending more than I usually do, just books as I finish reading them, about $40-$50 a month in wood and $100-$200 extra every month. That would last me a while. I'd spend half that of the money on school. That should be enough to finish my degree even!

I have no designs of a luxurious life. I just want a comfortable one.

Redo

I often wonder what my life had been like if I had taken a different path. There are four main things I would change if I could. They would have changed my life in drastic ways.

The first is I would have gotten better grades in school and gone into the Air Force academy on my path to become an astronaut. I wanted to be an astronaut so bad as a kid. I would gladly trade everything I have for 6 months in space. If I would have focused on grades I wouldn't have been raped. I would have been able to fly. To feel the freedom of flight would have been amazing. Plus I would have been following my father's footsteps which would have made him proud of me. I would be fit and healthy. I would have been financially stable from the get-go. Plus, space! And respect! And freedom!

The second thing is I would have never have dated Alex in high school. That was the worst experience of my life and that includes my FND. It was a toxic relationship and I have never cried so much or so often in my life, then and afterwards. I loved him, and he cut me deeper than anyone before or since. Him dumping me was the best thing he ever did for me.

The third thing is, barring becoming an astronaut, in college I would have gone into education right off. Nothing much would have changed except I would have known my path from the start. I would have been financially stable, and emotionally stable coming out of college. Maybe my marriage would have gone better with being financially independent.

The last is I would have never gotten married to begin with. Mark is a good man, but neither he nor I were ready for marriage. I knew marriage was forever, I just didn't realize what forever entailed. And coming out of that relationship was one of the best decisions I've ever made. However, if I could go back I would have never married him to begin with. I would have had the relationship with him, but let it end where it ended without the marriage involved. I had some amazing times with Mark. I had some shitty times too, but those amazing times outweigh the bad. And it was really bad in the end, but mostly because we were married.

Energy levels and religious musings

My energy levels have been fluctuating a lot lately, but I'm thankful for the days I have that I can complete my to do list. I think hope has played a large role into the success. Hope that I will have more energy has given me more energy. I mean I'm still tired, but I'm still doing things.

I'm playing my brand new guitar daily. My fingers hurt so much! I still need to build up my calluses. But I know 3 chords, e minor, a minor and c. The next two chords I'm going to learn are d and g. Then I will be able to play "Yellow Submarine" by The Beatles. I'm really enjoying playing so far, and I'm going to be playing more. A friend of mine plays the bass. He wants to jam. I imagine once a week I'll pop by his house and jam for a while. Maybe we'll even write songs together. I think that would be fun.

I need to get more plywood, but I've spent too much money this month. But I need the plywood to make more projects for around the house. I need to make another drawer for the above toilet storage and I need to make another shelf for my bathroom closet. It will make a storing toilet paper easier. I also want to make a pantry. Gods, do I want a pantry. I want more space in my dining room for dinner parties.

Speaking of dinner parties I need to clean off the back patio. It's full of dead leaves and gardening shit. I need to get it done before the 21st because that's when I'm having my midsummer party. I'll do that this week, maybe today...or tomorrow.

So I found out something interesting about the Gods of the Norse pantheon that echoed my current beliefs. Apparently the earth goddess (Nerthus) and the sea god (Njord) may have started as a hermaphroditidic deity. I have, for a long time believed in God as a hermaphrodite. And this translated into me thinking of the earth as the same. So it makes since to me. So I am one step closer to accepting the Norse pantheon. I still don't believe that the Gods are literal Gods, just powerful ancestors. We'll see if that changes as I read more.

And I have been reading a chapter a day. I want to know all of the things about my chosen religion. I want to believe there is more to the world than science can explain. I need that much in my life. I need to attend a blot. I need to do that this year. But you need to be willing to tie your wyrd (fate) with the group you blot with. So it gets complicated.

Piercing and Tattoo Plans

I wasn't an Orion tattooed on my forearm

I want a bunch of flowers on my left hip, one for each member of my immediate family. Noah gets a poppy, Robert gets a snap dragon, Mom gets lavender, Dad gets forget-me-nots, and I get buttercup.

Thorn tattooed in runic branches tied together.

An Elephant from behind with his trunk raised tattooed on my ankle for Mema

A humming bird on my right ankle for Granny.

A Czech patterned bracelet, anklet, or arm cuff tattoo. Specifically the bottom portion. Bonus points if I can get it to look cross-stitched


The horse head nebula on my upper arm or sholder

Not this exactly, but a feather on fire on my right ribs

Spider bite piercings.

A second and maybe third hole in my earlobe

A simple helix on my right side

Productivity

I am having a productive day today. It's super exciting. You see, I went out late last night, chilling with some friends who watched Wonder Woman. I had a fabulous conversation with someone I don't get a lot of one on one time with. Then I came home. That's when the productivity bug. It me.

I got home around 11:30pm and I immediately brought my new shelf into my closet. Setting it up took no time, but then I realized my closet was a sty, so I reorganized it. I got rid of a bunch of clothes too.

Then I was still not sleepy exhausted, but not sleepy so I continued. I made plans for medicine drawers for the over toilet storage. Then I read a chapter from the volva stav manual to learn how to play the stav for religous reasons. I ended up going to bed around 1:30 am.

I woke up at 5:30 bright as an orange. Still a little exhausted, but I must have slept well because I didn't wake up sleepy. But anyway, I got up and made macarons. I improvised a little, and you can tell. They are lemon lavender macaroons, and something is off about the icing. I used lavender simple syrup instead of milk.

They aren't the prettiest in the world, but they taste damn good, if not a bit too sweet.

So then I got stared making those drawers I designed last night. I realized I only had enough plywood for one so I ran to lowes only to discover 1) the plywood is too big for my car, and 2) it's 30-40 dollars for a sheet! So I walked through the store, mostly the garden section, to leave empty handed. 

I then came back home to saw out the drawer pieces. But I'm new with the table saw. The damn thing kicked back a chunk of plywood into my stomach. It's now bruised and scanned over, but the wood hit me so hard that it drew blood.

So I mananged all that before 10 am.

Then I went to a pawn shop and bought a guitar. Her name is apparently Siren. I have no idea how I came up with the name, as I'm not a mermaid gal, but there you have it. So I brought her home and learned my first chord: E minor. My fingers still hurt.

Then I painted a shelf for the bathroom. I'm planning on moving my rubber duck Cole toon to make more room for medicines on the above toilet storage shelf. That's the current home of my rubber duckies. But anyway I painted it grey and blue.

In between paint coats I walked about a mile. I found it mostly enjoyable. Being fat made chub-rub a thing, but it didn't get too bad.

So then I went to a guitar center to pick up some picks. I also went to Ace to pick up screws and drywall anchors for the shelf.

I came home, and played siren some more, and now I'm laying in bed, blogging. I plan to clean out the fridge today, get laundry and dishes done, drop some macarons at a friends house and hang that shelf all before joe gets home.

But for now, willow says it's nap time. I'm inclined to agree with her.

Whining about how tired I am

I am frustrated to tears with this always being tired thing. I was literally awake for 8 hours yesterday. That's it. 8 hours. And all during those 8 hours all I could think about was sleeping. I did none of my to do list. Except duolingo. Today I've done more, but I'm still friggin exhausted. I'm pushing myself to do more than I did yesterday, but I already know I'm not going to get it all done.

I was invited to see Wonder Woman today. And it killed me to say no. I don't want to risk a seizure. I did volunteer to go get drinks with them after, but I'm not sure I'll be able to. I'm just so tired.

Joe goes to this beer, bourbon, and BBQ thing this weekend and I'm jealous. I like beer. I like bourbon. I like BBQ. I like hanging out with folks. But I wasn't invited...it's for the best. I'm too exhausted to go out and have fun...

Old Photo of Me

This is a picture of me at my target weight. Although I take better care of myself and the world around me (It's hard to believe I was worse) I am not as skinny as I once was. At one point you could see the ribs on my chest. That's not to say I was anorexic. Far from it. I ate (and still eat) a hell of a lot, and not the healthiest. I was just so skinny and fit as well that my ribs shown through on my chest. I had a defined collarbone. My face was an oval instead of a circle. I have a double chin!

Weight loss is not going well. I'm sticking at a solid 210 lbs. I need to eat less junk to lose weight. But I've already given up meat. It's hard to give up sugar, and harder to give up my beloved dairy. Still, starting tomorrow I'm going to start recording and staying under 1300 calories a day. Maybe today too, who knows. Either way I'm going to get more serious about losing weight.

I hate being hungry. But I think that's what it takes to lose weight. Lots of vegetables and being hungry. We'll see.

E-cigarettes and coffee musings

i got up early this morning because Rowan was being a douche nozzle, and demanding attention at 5am. He had plenty of food. He just wanted cuddles, and the bed is willows domain. He prefers the recliner. I couldn't get back to sleep in the recliner.

I got a package from amazon yesterday. I got 3 things. The first is a metric butt ton of lavender that I'm going to make lavender simple syrup for lavender lemonade to drink at midsummer. I have no idea what to use the rest for. I also got some new highlighters. I use them to highlight my religous books, but my old ones were out of ink. I just got done with my chapter on Thor, and my next chapter is on baulder. The last thing I got was a book on Appalachian hoodoo, or granny folk magic. I have no idea what I'll find in it, but it's going to be read after I read "Taking Up the Runes" and both volumes of "Our Troth". I figure since I'm in Appalachia I should learn about how they did magic. I'm also going to learn about the native people in my area and how they honored the land, but that is much research later. It's hard to find out what tribe lived in your area back in the day.

Joe left a video game running upstairs. The house is filled with what I assume is the Witcher III soundtrack. It is lovely and peaceful.

Last night I stayed up till midnight planning woodworking projects. I now have so many I'm not sure I can complete them all this summer. This is a good thing.

Currently I'm working on a shelf for my boots and drawers in it for my scarfs. Apparently, the design is challenging. And I'm using plywood which furthers the challenge. I don't know how good it's going to be, but I can at least say that I made it myself.

Here are my other projects:

Boot and scarf organizer

Balsa tank stand

Cello stand

Laundry sorter

Bathroom closet organizer 

Litterbox container

Cat planter for grass and catnip

New coffee organizer 

Toaster oven stand?

Gun safe

Patio storage

Cover for oil tank

Under sink storage

Plant table

Herb wall/cabinet

Sock/underwater drawer dividers

Filing cabinet

Bee house

Floating shelves

Bat house

Tiered planter stands indoors

Raised beds

Compost bin

Trash can covers

Bad days and good days

Habitica is really helping me do what I need to do. It's an incredible transformation. I brush my teeth twice a day now, clean the litterbox, practice duolingo, and even floss!

The problem is I'm still so exhausted that sometimes I don't do everything on my list. It's disheartening. I mean I what I have on my to do list amours to about 3 hours of work. A lot of which is sitting down. Still, yesterday the dishes didn't get done, I didn't read my chapter. I didn't even exercise at the end of the day like I wanted.

This exhausted thing is so frustrating. I want to complete my to do list, but instead I just nap all the time.

Last night I had the worst fnd/ torettes thing I've had in a while. Uncontrollable shaking, loud noises, and this static pressure throughout my body marked my evening. I'm pretty sure my incomplete to do list was one of the factors leading to it.

I may be better with my chronic illness, but it's still there. I take my pills religiously. I eat better. I even try to exercise...but it still lurks waiting for when I'm vulnerable to show itself.

On a positive note, I'm excited about midsummer. My brothers graduation is the day before so I can't go pick strawberries like I wanted, but thanks to the supermarkets I can still have them. I'm making salmon for dinner and a lemon cake for desert. I'm having some friends over to celebrate the longest day of the year. And although I don't have a vegetable garden this year to celebrate my first harvest, I can celebrate with people instead.

My Guilty Pleasures

I love Romance Novels! The smuttier the better. I love the formula. There isn't much that's unexpected. It's sappy and happy. Even the "challenges" are easy to overcome. I especially like sci-fi, fantasy, and supernatural romances. Vampires, zombies, interdimentional travel, and swords are my forte. I know that it's trashy, and I know there is no literary value. It's honestly a waste of my time. However, I enjoy it.

There is no music genera that I don't enjoy in some fashion. I don't know why I don't like something about music. I just like every genera. That includes trashy pop music. I realize that it's unintelligent and far from complex, but the music makes me want to dance.

Children's movies are the best. They aren't complex. They are predictable. And I love them.

Earliest Childhood Memory

I was seven, with thin cornhusking hair and large inquisitive brown eyes. My knees were cut up from running and falling out in the woods near my house. And I did run free and wild in those woods. I knew those woods, and the babbling creek that tumbled over rocks and branches. I knew where the thorns were and where every tree grew its roots. It was my playground.

My parents invited over some friends one day. Their kids came with them, a girl a little younger than me and the most handsome boy I had seen in my seven short years. He was tall dark and swarthy, with shaggy black hair and chocolate eyes. I wanted to give him everything I had to gain his affection. It was only natural I show him my land, the only thing I felt I had.

I showed them the magic and magisty. I brought them to the creek and showed them my trees, my flowers. And they were mine for I spent more time with them than anyone. I showed them the beauty of my world, but the boy would not give me the affection I so desperately desired. I wanted him to fall madly in love with me through the land that I was so fond of. As he threw stones in the creek, I imagined him as a prince, and I a princess.

My prepubescent mind searched the only knowledge I had of love: Disney movies. And in every single one of them the prince had to rescue the princess before they could have their happily ever after. So I got it in my mind that the boy had to save me. But what could he possibly save me from?

Snakes? No snakes around.

A maddening storm? The sun was shining.

A frothing demon? Fresh out of those.

That's when my gaze fell upon an old rickety tree that hung over the creek. I would climb that tree and my prince would surely rescue me! He had to, because at this point he was no longer a mere boy, but every brace hero I had read about or watched. I hardly knew him, but in my mind he was fierce, bold, and plucky. He would save me because his good heart would not see otherwise.

So up the tree I went.

"Oh, help me. Save me. I can't get down from this tree." I called,

My plaintif pleas were met with stark reality. The boy I had built up was just that, a boy. Confused, he asked me why I didn't just climb down.

"I'm stuck." I started to get upset. The plan was not working out.

That's when the branch under me snapped and plunged me into the creek. Covered in water and mud, with a bruised body and ego I returned to the loving arms of my mom. Through sobbed words I conveyed the basics of what happened.

"Why didn't you climb down?" She asked me.

All my reasons came out as an embarrassed "I don't know"

I never wanted a man to save me again. I vowed later, as the memory became epic in my mind, that I would always try to rescue myself. If I got myself into a mess, I could damn well climb back down the tree and get myself out.

Why I Don't Cherish Things

Things are replaceable. They need to be with how well I treat my things. I destroy things. And it's all because things are replaceable. When you look at it objectively all things are transient. They will never last as long as you want them to. You might as well use them until they break.

There are some things I have that are expensive that I treat better, but still use. However I treat them with kid gloves. Actually, only one thing I can think of do I treat with kid gloves. That's a crystal vase that joe got for me at an auction. And even though I really like it, and respect it's fragility , I still don't care if it's gone.

Things can be replaced. Even things with emotional value can be replaced. I have things from dead relatives, but I have them to spark memories. It's the memories that are important, not the things themselves.

I think the thing I treasure the most is my Wonder Woman mug. I use it whenever it's clean. Sometimes I'll clean it just to use it. However, even if it broke I wouldn't be upset. It's just a mug.

The things that truly matter in life are friends, family, health, and memories.. those are not replaceable.

Also, I have cats who destroy things. I'd rather have cats than things.

My internet tabs

I slept through a job offer today. I'm kicking myself over it. I mean I woke up for my alarm clock at 5:30. I checked for jobs and there were none. Then I went back to sleep. Fifteen minutes later I got a call for a job, and I slept through it. Ugh! I wanted to work today. Curse my sleep problems!

The vegetarian thing has been going well so far except for one thing. Buying fresh veggies is expensive. Making dinner last night was 25 bucks for 4 servings. I can't imagine continuing this habit because it's just so expensive. I'm used to food being 2 bucks per serving. I might have to tap joe to continue purchasing fresh veggies.

I've been researching a lot lately. Things I want to do are filling up my browser tabs. The first is Arbor Day. Org. You see I want to plant a tree, specifically an oak tree. The problem is I don't know where I can plant it. I don't own land. There's no group in the area that has a tree planting program. I just want to plant a tree. If they didn't grow so quickly, I would plant it in a large potter till I got land. But young trees grow fast.

Then I have a tab open for blue ridge Beltane. I missed it this year, but I'd love to go to it next year. I want to go to a religous retreat. It's on my bucket list. And it's supposed to be a decent sized event. And although it's not asatru, it's generally pagan.  I would like to go next year.

There's a local river clean up that happens every your. I missed it by a week this year. Next year I will be doing it. I'm put off by litter. It makes a place look bad, and it's bad for the wildlife. I shall clean it up!

The local berry farm. Because I want to pick my own berries for midsummer. I'm planning on having some friends over for lemon fill salmon, herbed potatoes, a lemon cake, and fresh strawberries.

The Blackbeard pirate festival takes place in Hampton, va. I used to live down there and I loved it. I used to go every year. I promised myself one day I'd go to their pirates ball. And one day I shall, just not this year. Joe doesn't want to go, and I don't want to go alone.

The farmers market hours are simple. But I need the reminder or I will forget to go, and I need to get local meats for meals for joe.

I'm thinking hard about the Adopt a soldier program. It's a way to volunteer without too much time. Every week you write a letter to your adopted soldier. And occasionally you send a care package. It doesn't seem too hard, but I'm not the most responsible person in the world. I'm not good at writing letters. I'm still debating it. We'll see if I actually do it.

And on an unrelated note, Duolingo finally has their Japanese language out. So I'm going to be doing twice the duolingo everyday! Spanish because of my profession and Japanese because of my passion.

In the meantime I have a lot of chores I need to get done. I'm off to have a productive day despite not working!

That's a scrubbed mission.

I spent hours on a post....HOURS. In total about 7 hours on a post. All that work wasn't saved. I am so pissed. It was really good, too. I had a lot of positive introspection and realizations. It was awesome, and so was my day yesterday.

I was super productive! I spent 4 hours writing, scrubbed the litterbox, made a wooden box, went shopping, made the meal prep for the week, made dinner, and did all of the dishes. I also stalked my rapist, my ex husband, and myself.

Come to find out my rapist may be married and is making a lot more than I am. Big surprise there. I'd like to think he's a better man now. Adolescence is a time of powerful hormones. It doesn't make what he did right, but as long as it was a one time thing I feel better.

Though sometimes I still wish I could gut him for all the pain he put me through. It's a very small part of me that hasn't fully forgiven him yet. The majority of me has though.

You'd be surprised how much information you can find on the internet. Just by knowing someone's full name and a few basic facts about them, you can research a lot, even if they don't have facebook, which my rapist doesn't. Though his brother does.

I am such a creeper. I just want to know they've changed without actually contacting them. I'm obsessed with the people who wronged me realizing they were wrong and changing for the better. That to me is the ultimate justice.

This is the song that's been stuck in my head lately: