Becoming a Badass: Explain!

The I had nightmares last night that I was paraplegic. I just couldn't move my legs no matter how much I tried.

Then I wake up and see this:

Yup. It turns out I had 20+ pounds of cats on my legs. That explains that.

Last night I had a bad case of illogical feelings. During the past few months I've fought with my best friend leading to a strained relationship, I've had one of my favorite uncles tell me that the only reason he hangs out with me is because my father is around when we hang out, and I thought I was passed over for a high honor in favor of someone else who was not even in line for the award. (Turns out that last one wasn't the case.) but I was majorly feeling like I was loosing my friends and family at a pretty steady rate. I was feeling aweful and worthless, and I stuffed my face with nachos and a greasy burger to cope (thanks to my amazing boyfriend.

So I finally get out of bed this morning and use the restroom, and my thighs are covered in blood. Started my period last night. That explains all the feelings.

Speaking of which, that also explains the flip flop bowel movements I've had as well as the severe lower back pain.

It also explains why I've wanted to have sex with every person I've ever thought was even slightly attractive. (Not that I acted on those urges, save for new spank-bank material.)

Being a woman is magical! Heating pads and painkillers are more magical!

Speaking of magic, I've been exploring my faith and what I believe philosophically as well as metaphysically. Here's what I've got:

There is a creator. I use the masculine pronoun, but he is in fact beyond gender.

He created the universe through the Big Bang, setting forth the laws of science and math prior to. Setting forth the tenant that energy can never be distroyed.

After a time our solar disk was formed. The earth and sky were made. Through their incredible energy in the primordial days they created amino acids, ran, then life itself.

Being part of this earth, our energy never leaves this earth. Evolution is as much a physical as a metaphysical phenomenon. Biologically we grow and adapt to the world around us, but as our energy never really leaves the planet so too is there a spiritual evolution as our energies combine with others and dis update into other phenomenon, both living and not.

This means that not only do all living creatures have a spirit, but so do non living things, as we all have energy. (Don't expect me to become a veggitarian based on this. I am an omnivore.) therefore all things should be given respect if not reverence.

Because our ancestors (both blood related and not) helped to shape us, both biologically and spiritually, they also deserve veneration and honor.

More so, the living kith and kin deserve honor as, pragmatically speaking, they more aware of the respect and more likely to return it. In that way they become a living interconnected being in itself, much like the cells of a body are all individually living, but create a larger organism. So to does a group of people become greater than the sum of its parts.

Now, I also believe that the minds of man is a symbolic and catigorical mind, so I also believe in the personification of all of these phenominon. I'm not sure what symbolism I will personally take, although I'm leaning heavily towards Slavic heathenism just because I have a blood tie with Czechoslovakia as the majority of my family history has its roots there. But that requires more research.

Currently I believe in God the creator, a Mother Earth figure, and a father sky figure. It amuses me that I have come to believe we are the creation of a creation.

For aid/prayer I believe in very pragmatic dogma. There are levels of influence and control that different aspects of my personal theology have over my life.

1. Self: I am the one most in control of my life

2. Kith and kin: the people around me have the next level of influence.

---------dogmatic stuff I'm not sure about--------

3. Those who have passed: the energies of those who loved you before they passed may keep a consciousness intact and be able to aid in times of need?

4. Nature and science itself: energy is in all things. Some of these things man has learned to harness, others are wild and free, both have influence and be called upon for aid. The distinction between science and nature is very fuzzy as they are deeply interconnected and almost the same exact thing.

5. The creator. He don't give a fuck about you, the individual. He's about the workings of the universe as a whole, not just one tiny blip.

Christ? I don't know about that guy. He might be important? He might not? He might be a symbol? I'm not saying I don't believe he existed/was the son of the creator. I just don't know. According to the bible he taught some good things, though...so take the good and leave the bad?

Fuck the bible. I'm lumping it in with the epic of Gilgamesh and Beowulf; Dogmatic fiction. It has some good stuff in it, but it also has a bunch of shit. Take the good and leave the bad.

I'm going to call this theology scientific heathenism... And I hope my parents never find out because it would only upset them.

As to my personal values, I'm still working them out. I'm trying to get them to 10. Courage, truth, respect and personal growth are defiantly going to be core tenants in some way, though.

I'm working on my alter. I feel like since I can't worship in a church, I need a private place I can worship on my own, and figure out my stuff:

It feels unbalanced and like it doesn't have weight, and not right yet, but it will get there.

I also started on my book of shadows/grimoir. It starts with my family tree on fancy calligraphy. It has last names so I'm not going to post it.

Inside is also going to be my list of personal virtues I aspire to, the dogma(when I figure out everything) quotes, prayers, and songs that I find spiritually benificial, recipes and "kitchen magic," lists of herbs, stones, etc that can be used for different things: symbolism, historical uses, and any science that is a available. (I have a feeling most of the stone section is going to be along the lines of "use this as a reminder that you already possess this trait.") and divination (as in using symbols and patterns as a tool to refine intuition, foreknowledge, and experiance into a cohesive analysis of a situation. Also the energies of the universe blah blah blah. But mostly it's an intellectual tool.)

So that's a thing I've been working on...

On a less woo-woo topic, In the past few weeks I've started with this thing called mpoints. It's this thing where I earn points using apps to eventually buy gift cards. So I have games that I enjoy playing, utilitarian apps like a weather app and something to help me quit smoking, and "______ of the day" apps.