Explicit content/ not safe for work-Gender and sexual identity

This post contains explicit material and is not safe for work or prudes.

I've always known I was different. I've never felt fully girl or fully boy. There are days where I felt the maximum amount of both femininity and masculinity. There was even a period in my life where I wished I had a penis. (I still often do). But for the most part, I've always felt my sex (female) wasn't telling the whole story of who I was. I've always felt that I was different than how people viewed me. 

As I researched the construction of gender and placed it in context of my own identity I've been able to find a label that best suits my gender identity. And even though I dislike putting myself into a tidy category, it basically fits.

I am gender fluid. And, from what I can gather, that means sometimes I feel like a man, sometimes I feel like a woman, sometimes I feel neither, and sometimes I feel both. That's as close to what I feel as I can explain. I still conform to feminine societal rules. I use the woman's restroom. I use the feminine pronouns. Because how I view my gender is a personal thing to me. No one else needs to know. It would probably just confuse them and make life in general difficult for everyone.

I don't believe in a gender binary, or even regards to sex, I don't believe in a binary. There is no black and white, even on a biological level. there are intersex people. Hermaphroditism, chromosomal mutations, and other people that defy the binary system most people believe in. To make room roe those people in my worldview, I've stopped thinking about man and woman in a traditional sence, but rather as a multidimensional spectrum.

Because of this belief in a spectrum, and rather than a binary, I am pan sexual, although I call it bisexual just because people need too much explanation on what pansexual is. I am sexually attracted to men, women, intersex, inter gender, or whatever people want to be called. My first kiss was a girl who I kissed while she was sleeping (I'm guilty of sexual assault, and I'm sorry for it). I've only dated men because that's who situations have led me to, but that doesn't mean I would dicount anyone as a sexual partner based on what lays between their legs.

I'm also coming to realize that I may be polyamorous. My current relationship may not be, as Joe is not keen on sharing, but I am coming to believe that if there is enough room in my life for it, and my partner was onboard, I wouldn't mind having an aditional partner in my life. I feel as though I would like to Able to share my sex and love in a relationship of 3 people would be the most ideal. I like the idea of three people living together and contributing into one relationship. It could be more, perhaps an entire community built on romantic love, and sex, but that seems highly unpragmatic and unrealistic as far as the human condition goes.

As to my current relationship, I know I am monogomous. Sex and romantic love both I give and receive only from my boyfriend. I've given him permission to have sexual relationships with other women as long as he doesn't hide them from me. The hiding part is the cheering part in my eyes. Sex is sex, and as long as we still love each other at the end of the day, and our obligations to each other are being met, and our relationship is healthy, and stds aren't involved, I am not a jealous person.

I love sex. It's an amazing self validating experiance for me. It's an act that the more pleasure you give, the more pleasure you get. You have the control and power to make an experiance more than just a relieving of urges. It's empowering.

The problem comes with my functional neurological disorder. Sex is hard. Physically I just can't do the things I want to do (that used to come so easily). I lack the stamina to go as hard as I want, and the antidepressants make it hard to cum in general as well as decreasing my libido. And I find I still have tremor attacks after. It's disheartening. But I'm thankful for it because it makes monogamy so much easier. I don't have to constantly think about what my partner is going to be okay with me doing when I'm not doing anything anyway. 

I don't know where I'm even going with this. My brain is all over the place today. 

I guess in summary: I'm an oddball. I have all these ideas about love and sex,  but I love my partner and boyfriend Joe.  I respect him and his ideologies. I do what he is comfortable with because of my vast love for him. So in the end, I pragmatically define our relationship as he is comfortable with, because even though I am comfortable with a lot more, he doesn't ask me to confine myself with less to the point I am uncomfortable. And that's why I love him. He lets me be me even while setting his boundaries within the confines of our relationship.