Smoking

I'm quitting smoking, and damn it's hard. Seriously smoking is all I'm thinking about. Last night I couldn't sleep and I wanted to go out and smoke. But I didn't have anymore cigarettes so I spent 45 minutes trying to hunt down my boyfriends pack. Thank goodness I didn't find it. I ended up chewing on some nicotine gum instead. Then this morning I woke up and my routine is to drink coffee and smoke two cigarettes outside. I'm instead craving cigarettes wondering if I can quit more slowly, like ween myself off cigarettes slowly. But I know I can quit cold turkey.

All I can think about is smoking.

I remember buying my first pack of cigarettes. I was at a wake for a coworkers funeral and I was really feeling it. The death, the problems in my relationship, money problems.  I wanted a drink to chill me out, but my boss was there and she said no. So I went across the street to a 7-11 and bought myself a pack.

I want to walk over to the gas station and pick up a pack. I won't but I want to.

And I have to be careful about zombie laura walking over there and smoking. It's happened before. I'm cleaning or something then the next thing I know I'm walking to the gas station, or I'm out shopping and I ask for a pack at the checkout.

And the thing about smoking is no matter how gross and aweful you know it is, you still want it. I know it stinks, it yellows my teeth, it increases my risk of cancer significantly, and it makes it harder to breathe. Plus it's expensive. I want to quit for so many reasons, but I also want to smoke.