Poke-venture and update

Well, Pokemon Go has taken me out of the house again. I am currently in the coffees  shop down the street chilling, writing, and taking a poke gym. It's not that far, just a couple blocks,  I enjoy the walk, though. 

I've been failing a lot at my goals recently. It's both sad and pathetic. That's the main reason I haven't been updating my blog. I've been failing way too much. 

 I can't keep my weight under control because food is too tempting for me. I'd like to blame it on my meds (Which do make me hungry all the time, even when I'm full, I feel famished) but I used to be able to deal with hunger. I could fast for days and be alright. Now if I miss a meal I will be eating at the next meal like I haven't in days. 

I think the main problem is psychological. I am constantly afraid I'm not going to be able to eat for a while. I seem to have the philosophy ingrained in my psyche "When will I be able to eat again?" It's an actual fear that I will not eat again. I don't know where this fear came from. I suspect it started when I was bed ridden and I couldn't really make food for myself well. It took so much out of me just to make a simple sandwich.

I really don't know how to fix this. The psychological problem paired with my meds is killing me. I'm over 200 lbs now. It's getting rediculous. I canceled weight watchers because it wasn't helping. I really don't know how to deal with this. My weight is certainly an issue as well. It's killing my self confidence. I feel like I'm carrying another person around so it's killing my health as well. I'm so angry that I can't take care of this. I'm angry that I can't rise above this. It's rediculous.

I'm also angry at things beyond my control. I was supposed to get my license back on July 1st. Two weeks later, and I have been denied a really great job because I don't have my license. I can't go out. I can't do my own thing. I'm stuck within a mile of my house. 

I want to do a 5k at a local park, but I can't. Well I guess I could, but I'd have to walk the 1.5 miles there and the 1.5 miles back. At that point it becomes a 10k which I could do, but I would be a mess for several days after. 

We need milk and I want guacamole. I can't go to the grocery. I need pet supplies for Balsa, but I can't go to the pet store. I suppose I should focus on cleaning, but I am sick of cleaning. I am so fucking sick of it! Every day whenever I'm up it's always dishes and laundry. It's never ending. I have no break from it. I can't go to work and come home and straighten. It's like I'm trying to wash in a shower of slime. I have no reprieve from it. 

I'm so full of anger and depression right now. I lost my e-cig so I can't get nicotine that way. I'm stuck debating weather I want to start up cigarettes again to get rid of this anger and depression. I always feel better after a cigarette, at least for a little while.