Examination

It feels wrong to have the entirety of my wellbeing focused on some tiny pull no bigger than a grain of rice. It's that pill, however, that girdles my freedom and responsibility as a contributing member of society. It cures the Tourette's, but not the FND, it makes my ADD worse, and there's a small measure of uncomfortable peace of mind in knowing I haven't been faking at all. 

It seems odd that I'd be uncomfortable getting better, but it's really quite simple. I don't want to doubt my sanity. As it stands, sometimes I forget I was even sick. I wonder why I'm not doing more, and then I remember that I'm not completely well and I'm still recovering from one of the worst experiences of my life. I beat myself up that I'm not working, that I'm not cleaning house, that I'm exhausted nearly all the time.

The pill makes me hungry all of the time, even when I'm full I'm still hungry. I've always been a bit of a glutton, but this is unreal to me. I've always been in control of my hunger. But I find myself inhaling food at an alarming rate.

What am I going to do about it? I'm going to struggle to cut out sugar and fast food. That should minimize the damage. I'm still using weight watchers, but not doing well with it. I need to work hard to stay in control.

I'm having trouble staying up on housework. I'm so exhausted all the time, and I've become a little hydrophobic. Water sets off an uneasy discomfort deep inside me. It makes it difficult to shower, do dishes, and hose anything off. I do my best to ignore both the exhaustion and the fear of water, but it really effects how I maintain the house. I don't know what to do about it, really.

Maybe I can make it automatic by scheduling it. Maybe water is a phycological symbol for emotions I've been avoiding and I need to face them. Both are things I can easily do.

The real contender is the exhaustion I deal with. I push through it for things like the gym, but I enjoy the gym. It's a much harder task to grit through things I don't enjoy. What's more my ADD leaves me scatterbrained without a designated course.

My new mantra is "how do I fix this?" I have so much to fix. My finances , my weight, my house, and a job. 

Speaking of finances, I'm probably going to have to borrow money from my parents this month. My credit cards are asking more money of me than I can handle. I'm doing blue apron more, and I really like not having to ask to go to the grocery store. Still, I canceled all meals for this month exempt this week's.

I'm working to overcome my shortcomings.