You know I was just reading a note I wrote on Facebook about me proposing to Mark. It was so happy. I was happy. I mean it wasn't all bad. He is a good man. I can't underscore that enough. I was charmed by him. I liked his giving spirit and even his opinionatedness. I have a hard time remembering why I loved him sometimes, but the truth of the matter is I did, and in a way still do.
I hope he's well. There is nothing that would please me more (save my own happiness) than seeing him in love again with a woman stronger than I was. I want him in a good career, eating healthy and truly happy. I want him to open up to someone. I want them to be everything for each other. I want them to have what I couldn't have with Mark. I want him to be the man I know he can be. I want his anger to disappear and only happiness to replace it.
I want my anger at him to disappear. I want my guilt over it to disappear.
I am so angry with him that he wouldn't let me be his best friend. I wanted that so badly. I wanted a lifetime of adventures with him. I wanted to share my life with him, I wanted him to be my everything. But he put up walls that I couldn't scale. He locked his doors and didn't let me in. I'm so angry about that. I'm angry that he didn't want me. I may have been the one who asked for the divorce, but our marriage was over long before I asked for it.
I hate myself for hurting him. That is my greatest failure.
No comments:
Post a Comment