Birfday!

I am 31 years old. I think this is the first birthday that I thought of it as a bad thing that I'm getting older. Normally I imagine it as another step towards wisdom, but this year I'm having some very bad body image problems. I mean I always feel fat and ugly. And most of the time I realize that I'm just having normal issues. But today I realize that my youth is not something I'll ever get back. So on top of feeling fat and ugly, I feel old too. I'm never going to be as beautiful as I once was. I'm never going to be desireable again. I'm lucky I have someone who can look past my old ugly fatness to see the person within.

I suppose it's all downhill from here. Joint pain, alshiemers, my body giving out on me. I've already dealt with it. I don't want to deal with my body going on me again. I don't want to get old because I've already felt with the worst parts of it. It sucked.

I wish I could go back to when I was 21. I lacked maturity, sure, but I was healthy and pretty, and skinny. I wish I could be that 21 year old body for joe. I wish I didn't have to face the decline of my youth.

Wisdom is the only reason that ageing is any fun. I'm not wise. Im too busy being lost in a sea of low self worth. I have more regrets than wisdom. Even so, I wish I could live my life more. Get rid of the trash in my life. Live more while I could. Get better grades. Never get raped, never get married. Go into teaching from the get-go.

I'm dieing.

I'm slowly dieing and I've past my prime. I still have so much I want to do, and so much I want to be. There's not enough time to do everything I want. And it's impossible to look the way I want.

I think there's something wrong with my antidepressants. I had a fantastic weekend. There is no good reason to be this depressed. I got Betrayal at House on the Hill. Joe treated me like when we first started dating. My friends came out to my birthday party. I should be extatic. Instead I'm mourning my lost youth like it hadn't morphed into wisdom.

I have a doctors appointment soon. I'll talk to her about my anti depressants

Tomorrow I need to get my passport. My cruise is now in April. There are so many adventures I'm planning on taking. My life isn't over even though I'm a year older.