The Talk of Shame

Yesterday I called my dad to prep him for the potential of needing more money next month. As I thought would happen he gave me a lecture. Unlike usual, though this lecture hit home. He said two things that got to me:

1) I can't always depend on other people for money.

2) I need to try harder to get better

Both got me angry at myself. So I overworked at my exercises and I applied to jobs I can't really do. Both things exhausted and frustrated me.

So starting today I've worked job hunting into my schedule. It's less time for my lessons, but those aren't as important. They are mostly to keep my mind sharp and to learn how to teach better. 

Today I go to a wedding so I won't have as much time to clean or rest. Luckily I did a lot yesterday so that's fine.

I'm still going to exercise by way of stretching, but I'm also going to record a YouTube exercise routine I can actually do for strength. That will start Tuesday. Next week I'll also be doing couch to 5K week 2 again. The FND episode this week meant I basically skipped a day. That's not cool.

Next week I'll also be scheduling my morning tasks. That means I can't lazily do them at my whims. I actually need to focus and speed through some of them. Like taking my pills. I now have a scheduled time to do that.

I need to do laundry badly. I'll make time today to at least get one load put away. I also need to do dishes. 

Last night I tried my hand at making spring rolls. They exploded. It was funny and sad. Tonight dinner will be provided so I don't need to worry about dinner. Tomorrow we'll have chicken Cesar salads.

I'm feeling very bad about myself but I'm in good spirits anyway. I have new techniques to try harder. I also opened up pet sitting and tutoring for some pizza money. I use The term pizza money, but what I really mean is anything to add to our house fund. 

I need disability. I need a job. I need something. Something's got to give.

In the meantime I'll keep trying. There's not much more I can do.