That feeling when...

Why can't I just be normal?

I don't want to be unable to walk more than a few blocks on my own.

I don't want to doubt my own sanity every day. I swear I'm not making this up. I'm not just trying to get attention. Right?

I want to go out and do things on my own.

Tell me the last two days of me crying in pain in my bed weren't just in my head.

I want to do dishes. I dream about doing laundry. I salivate about going back to school, finishing my masters and having my own classroom.

Why do people I love make me doubt myself? They say I'm not trying hard enough. They say it's all in my head. The only thing in my head right now is their negitivity telling me that it's all in my head and I need to try harder.

I wish I could end their voices. They stay with me far longer than the amazing support I'm getting from my friends. They cut away the good feelings till all I have left are the self doubt.

It's all in your head.

It's all in your head.

As if I'd choose this life...as if I'd choose to be this pathetic thing laying here taking charity....living off the government...struggling to feed myself..

If I were a dog I'd have me put down. Most people would.

Would I actively choose that life? 

Would anybody?

I'm not happy with my life. I'm setting forth to change it. I'm asking for help when I need it. I am trying hard. I am being as brave as I can be.

Why does it have to come from the people who mean the most?

If I had the choice between this and death, I'd choose death. The truth of the matter is I am not a fighter. I am not a badass. I'm just fighting because it's something to do. It fills the void where my life used to be. Because fighting is less boring than laying in bed. Because to actively seek death would hurt people, and I don't want to do that. At least hopeless and fighting is more effective than passive and hopeless.

Because I do not believe in my heart that I will ever become a contributing member of society again. It's been a year since I went into the hospital, and longer since this started.

I feel so alone in this. I have so many unanswered questions.

I didn't choose this. Why won't they believe me. I want to be better. I'm trying so hard. Why won't they believe me.

I'm going to sleep. I can't be with these thoughts any longer.