I found a box of red hair dye and dyed it...again.
Because taking my emotions out on my hair is healthy, right?
I talked to my friend. The one who hasn't researched my condition. The one who thinks this is all in my head.
Apparently I'm too lonely to loose a friend to this. I'm going to join amway because fuck it, I'm sick of fighting. Who knows maybe some good will come of it. Maybe she'll see me, the true me, and not her vision of me.
I told dad I tried to kill myself. I told him I spent some time in the hospital because of it. He felt betrayed. I felt bed. I might have dumped it on him because his words were hurting me.
Fuck everyone. I'm tired of being a shut in from this. I'm trying my fucking hardest to get my house in order.
I just want a pill that magically makes this go away so I can punch everyone in the face. People who are healthy and smug and have never had their life turned upside down by their own body turning against them.
I don't even know what to fight for any more. Why am I fighting? Am I fighting this condition? Am I fighting for respect? Am I fighting the medical bills? Am I fighting people?
I shit blood today, and my stomach feels like it's being torn apart. My joints feel like I have rail road spikes in them. My head feels like it's gonna come out my eye.
I walk like I'm falling, and I feel like I'm falling when I walk.
I need to stop fraternizing, grow a pair, and get my shit together.
Shake it off Laura!
*deep breath*
Okay, here's the game plan. I'm going to rest as long as I need to, change over the laundry, then finish cleaning the bathroom. That's it. That's all I'm allowed to do today.
Tomorrow I will finish the laundry, and the dishes. That's it. I don't want to put myself back to being bed bound.
Sunday I fix the living room and scrub the kitchen.
Monday I'm going to brave public transportation for the first time with my walker. I'm going to go to the social security office, social services office, and the dmv if I can manage.
I'll probably need Tuesday to recover so Tuesday I will set in order my finances, and make an appointment to get sized for my wheelchair.
Life would be easier if I could drive, but I have to play the cards I've been delt.
Fuck everyone! Im a mother fucking dinosaur!
I know you don't want to hear this or get unwarranted medical advice, but take it from someone who has LOTS of experience with shitting blood: if it's not normal for you, that is ER-worthy stuff. It's normal for me. But basically any time I tell a non-gastroenterologist that I've got blood in my stool, they shove me to the front of the line at the ER (a handy trick for someone with my condition, but really important for people without it). I don't know if there's any relation to your CD and that sort of thing. But seriously, fuck this bullshit! I am so frustrated for you.
ReplyDeleteI'll always default to you on most gi things. But it happens from time to time with my CD. Stress causes it, and I've been mega stressed lately. If it happens for more than 24 hours, or if there's a lot of blood I'll go to the er... But as if it's not more than that I know it's just my body eating itself. I have a feeling this go around also had something to do with my eating pain pills like candy.
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