Still alive...

You know, I haven't really been able to access my feelings lately. I've been in a prolonged dissaccociative state. I've been struggling hard with my conversion disorder lately. I've even had to do an in patient program at the hospital.

The few times if actually felt like I've actually felt my emotions are when joe makes me laugh and when Jess told me something about the legends crew. (Wtf, guys?!?!) 

The hardest has been in regards to teaching. All of my teacher friends are ready for school and sharing their joy and excitement. But these are the people I was taking classes with. Most started after me. Although I am proud and beaming with happiness for them, it only serves as a cutting reminder of this aweful disorder.

I'm getting help. After my adventure with in patient psychiatric care, I got connected with a great behavioral health program in my town. I've had appointments all week this week and it's draining.

I now meet with a psychiatrist every 4 weeks to adjust my pills, a therepist every 2 weeks for cognitive behavioral therapy, and once a week I will be meeting with a trauma survivors group. I hope it works.

I've also improved my reading, I can now read two chapters in one sitting aloud. If I take a long break I can even do it twice in one day!

This weeks goal is to walk down to the thrift store, and get some pants that fit. I've gained 50 lbs since this started. Every time I zip up my paints ti only serves as a painful reminder, so out with the ill fitting pants and in with some new ones! 

I can still look stylish at 190lbs! And I'll be hopefully losing weight. It'll be a slow process since I can't really exercise, and shopping for foods that go bad quickly like veggies is hard being unable to drive, but I'm putting effort forward. That's what counts, right?