"I care about authenticity because it’s the glue that makes great social dynamics work. Without it, social dynamics are just diagrams, words and body language. Empty theory.
And as you know from last week’s email, being real is a subtractive process. You become authentic by consciously removing everything that isn’t authentic, by not trying to be anything other than what you are."
I was thinking about it from the angle of my disability. I feel empty like I'm watching my life on TV. The moments that feel real are few and far between. Mostly I just find myself faking realness. And maybe that's the problem. Maybe this disaccociation is a product of me not being my authentic self, but rather doing what is expected of me.
So, if I think about what makes me feel authentic, what makes me feel real, and I strip everything else away, will I get better?
Who knows, but it's worth a shot.
What makes me feel real? Joking around with Joe. Being held by him. Physical pain. Talking about LARPing. Missing teaching. Fear that I can't hold it together. Laughing with my family. The rest is automatic. Even my most charming moments. Especially my most charming moments.
Maybe I need to make it an ongoing project to get rid of all the things that make me feel unreal. I think I need to become more humble about my situation. Strip myself of any automatic. I don't know how I'll do that, but bit by bit I think I need to turn all the "should bes" in my life into "as they are." We'll see how that goes...
As another note, I went grocery shopping with Katie the other day. I needed a wheelchair, but I hate the electric ones. They had a manual one, and I loved it! I could keep up with Katie. Sure I had problems reaching stuff, but I wasn't controlled by my staggered walking, or the feeling of exhaustion that goes with it. I also felt exhilarated because I was moving so fast under my own power. I had a hard time gripping the wheelchair only a hand full of times. But it was my own power! I've decided that I want a wheelchair to feel that way more often. I think it would be great to get some cardio and strength training even if it's in my arms.
It's also a feeling of confidance. When I'm walking with a walker or with support, or even when I'm shambling about on my own, I feel judgement and the pitty in the air is almost palatable. I fucking hate that. In the chair I could do anything. Hell, I feel like I could even go shopping on my own without fear if someone drove me.
It seems dumb, but I felt freer in that chair than I have in the year that I've been walking. I felt proud and independent. I know people will probably think that the chair is a step backwards, but it's not like I'd be using it inside the house or for going over to other people's houses. I'd be using it for things like shopping, or getting out of my house to go on "walks" perhaps I'll be able to "run" in the chair before my legs will allow me to run on my own.
MAybe I can wheel myself to the rec center and start a pt pool regemine for my legs. I could start subbing more quickly without having to worry about the exhaustion of standing. So many doors can open up if I can just sit down.
Also, think how big my arms will get! She-hulk cosplay from a wheelchair for katsucon? Maybe even oracle! Wouldn't that be amazing...me cosplaying at a con!
I could start subbing and going back to school sooner too! But who knows. A good wheelchair is expensive. And I'm having trouble even getting Medicare. I can't imagine the mind blowing amout of paperwork I'd have to do for a chair...
And then I fear everyone would discourage it, imagining I would use it as a crutch instead of a tool. Which is how a lot of people felt about my walker too if I remember correctly, which I'm probably not.
I don't know...
Anyway, score one for me. I narrowly avoided a seizure today thanks to joe. Still hurt from some very bad contortions, but my brain isn't mush, well not completely.
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