What I am ashamed of

I loved my ex husband once, though it's hard to remember why, or what that love even felt like. No, I do remember. It felt warm, not comfortably warm, much more like a bathtub that's starting to get too cool. I did like his eyes. He had such pretty eyes.

He was a good man. He was kind and always willing to help someone out. He once gave a man $20 for gas, and he never locked his car saying "if they take it they must need it more than me." He was a bit foolish, but with an amazing heart.

I asked him to marry me. I also asked him for a divorce, and I'm not sure which I'm more ashamed of. You see, even though I knew there were big problems in our relationship, I still asked him to marry me. He wasn't ready, and to be honest, neither was I. I ignored the problems. I ignored everything because marriage was the next step. Marriage is what you're supposed to do when you live with someone. I ignored the warning signs to my great shame.

But I also took his heart in my hand. I took his trust and happiness onto myself, and I gave up when it got to hard. I did try. There was therapy, self help books, and long conversations trying to figure things out. But in the end I couldn't keep my promise to love and keep him. I gave up.

This is my greatest shame.

I blame it on him a lot. His addictions did betray my trust and kill our intimacy, and I'm still angry about his part in it all, but I am ashamed that I hurt him. I'm ashamed I couldn't keep my promise. I will probably never truest forgive myself for it either.