Confidance

I may seem confident, but I'm not. I recognize that I've gotten both fat, dependant, and dull of mind after my condition reared it head. I always put on a mask of confidance, but inside I'm disgusted with myself, and I don't see a reason for other people to want to be around me.

This is especially the case with my boyfriend. He's honest, and tells me all the things that are on his mind, he says he's good with being with me and he loves me even when I'm a burden, but the disgust with myself trumps his words. I'm so scared he'll leave me that I have a back up plan if he does decide to move out. I have noticed me building walls around my emotions. I don't know how to deal with them. And because I'm distancing myself from my emotions, im getting periods of disaccociation again. This isn't good.

I mean, I'm doing all I can to improve myself, to make me a person I'd be willing to be with, but progress is slow, and I'm really seeing no improvement, and that's feeding my self esteem issues. I've been dieting, but I hate being hungry so progress is slow. It's witer, so exercise isn't frequent. Im awkward, but I started getting out for more socialization, but that's rare too. I've been making an effort to be cleaner, but I keep getting all scater brained and cleaning the wrong things in the wrong way. I'm trying to get a job, but these things take time, especially when I have such inconvieniant limitations.

I don't know. I guess when it comes down to it I can only deal with the present. I'm working on my issues. Well deal with it if Joe decides to leave me. Until then I need to do thinks that make me proud of myself. If I do that, Joe will be proud too.