Survival

 I have survived so much in my lifetime.

When I was a child I was severely bullied, both physically and verbally. I remember one instance of this. We were living in my brother's friend's house before moving to New Mexico. This friend was the son of a big shot heart surgeon. This kid would berate me and hit me. Living with him was intolerable, but I still did it. There was another, Amanda who made my life hell. I got a black eye wrestling with a friend and she claimed ownership of the shiner. She and the other kids would call me La cucaracha. It was rough, but survivable, though. 

Then I was raped multiple times by my boyfriend in high school. He used suicide as a way to keep me in the relationship. He manipulated me and was highly jealous of my male friends. Coming to grips with the trauma was hard. 

Then there was my divorce. I was a good Christian girl who did not believe in divorce. But he chose intimacy elsewhere. He would have rather had his hand than me. He would have rathered play video games than spend time with me. He was an intimacy vacuum. He was a good man other than that. A good and decent man. I just couldn't take the lack of intimacy. I asked for a divorce after a lot of trying. 

Finally my FND. This, I'm ashamed to say, is the most traumatic. During a flair I need help bathing, using the toilet, feeding myself. I am completely useless. I have flairs about every other year. I loose my job. I loose my friends. I loose everything. There have been men who have stood by me, family too, but ultimately I live in constant fear of a flair. 

All this Trauma has made me stronger, but also made me weaker. It's made me stronger in that I know I can survive a lot. I know who I am and what I want. But it makes me constantly afraid of the worst case scenario. I am terrified of things going awry and stopping me from being happy. 

Despite the trauma I am a good person, mostly. Granted I am human and I make mistakes. However I like who I am on a general level. I'm tough. I have lived through a lot. And even with my suicidal tendencies, I am better on a whole for having lived through what I have. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't wish my life on any other. However, I am a good human being striving to do what is best in a world that is imperfect.