Flop day

 I got up early to exercise. I got through the biking, but didn't stretch before falling asleep. I also ate a couple of spoonsful of frosting.

Oh well, tomorrow is a new day. 

Today's running plan in to 

1. Shower
2. Plan what happens if I get rich suddenly.
3. Crochet and listen to podcasts

Tomorrow Katie comes over with some new clothes for me. I hope they all fit. I need some new work clothes. Shoes would be a bonus. 

I have stinky feet. I need many shoes to dilute the smell. I also need to start cleaning my feet better. It's not that I don't wash my feet. I do whenever I shower. Just something about my feet smells so bad. Maybe I should get deodorant for my feet. Maybe when I have money. 

But we're broke. I make enough to barely live on. Cody needs a job. I sent him a really good one. Hopefully he applies to it today. 

I don't want to shower. I don't feel as if I deserve to be clean. It's a complicated feeling. I am depressed. There's no two ways about it. I was a bad cat mom in letting Willow die. 

I miss her so much.

I just got word she's back at the vet today. I'll go and get her after I shower and have a little ceremony for her. Just her and I.

Bucket List

 I have a bucket list called "Pics or It Didn't happen."  It's a bound book that I decorated and tea stained. 

It has many pages. 

My bucket list is as follows:

• Get Married (Check)
• Do a marathon 
• Do a 5k (Check)
• Go to Burning Man 
• Attend a music Festival (Check)
• Do a zombie run
• Carve a pumpkin (Check)
• Jump in a Leaf Pile
• Host a Cookie Swap (Check)
• Decorate a Christmas Tree (Check)
• Send Christmas Cards
• Ride a Mechanical Bull
• Go to a Drive in (Check)
• Visit an abandoned building 
• Learn to surf
• Kiss under the mistletoe
• Have a snow ball fight
• Build a Snow man (Check)
• Kiss on New Years (Check)
• Watch the sunrise and sunset (Check)
• Be in a flash mob
• Visit a hot spring
• Sleep in a haunted house
• Volunteer at a soup kitchen
• Get a tattoo
• Fly on a private jet
• Visit where I was born
• Learn to ballroom dance
• Witness a comet
• Skinny Dip
• Float in the Dead Sea
• Go rock climbing
• Send a care package to a soldier
• Take cookies to a nursing home
• Make my family tree
• Take a homeless person out for food
• Pay a stranger's tab
• Host a masquerade
• Go Skydiving
• Fly First Class (Check) 
• Storm Dragoncon
• Have a portrait painted
• Camp in the middle of nowhere 
• Go on a cruise (Check)
• Go on a world cruise
• Go on an African safari
• Go Sailing
• Sleep on a beach
• Do an obstacle race
• Drink a beer at Octoberfest
• Plant a tree
• Sit front row at a concert
• Leave uplifting notes on cars
• Attend a lantern festival
• Ride a hot air balloon
• Get my Masters (Check) 
• Publish
• Buy a house (Check)
• Get a massage
• Go Whale Watching
• Dance with the Northern Lights
• Attend a Religious Retreat 
• Swim with dolphins and manatees
• Dive with Sharks
• Scuba the Great Barrier Reef
• Go fishing and eat it
• Witness a lunar and Solar eclipse (Check)
• Sleep in a tree house
• Go on an aide trip
• Write a message in a bottle
• Have a nudist vacation
• Go to the Olympics
• Go to the World cup
• Go to the opera and ballet 
• Take archery lessons
• Start a family tradition
• Visit a pumpkin patch
• Watch a meteor shower (Tomorrow)
• See a Broadway musical 
• Eat a Chicago Pizza 
• Eat a New York hot dog
• Eat a Philly Cheesesteak 
• Drink Coffee in Seatle
• Have a beer in an Irish pub
• Dine in a French Cafe
• Drink Champagne in Champagne
• Eat Gelato in Italy
• View the Cherry Blossoms in Japan
• View the Cherry Blossoms in DC
• Go Paintballing
• Use a photobooth (Check)
• Order Desert first
• Go to Mardi Gras
• Adopt a pet
• Go Bowling
• Stand at 4 corners
• Go mini golfing
• Go laser tagging
• 1 Milkshake 2 Straws (Check)
• Ride a cable car
• Shoot a gun (check)
• Test Drive a Ferrari
• Watch Fireworks in Philidelphia
• Make the less fortunate smile
• Host a dinner party
• Holiday in a log cabin
• Drive route 1 California
• Make an Art Piece 
• Destroy something beautiful
• Host a bonfire 
• Camp from horseback
• Travel by Train
• Go to a roller rink
• Stomp on wine grapes 
• Go ziplining
• Do a Segway tour
• Visit the Paris catacombs
• Ride a helicopter
• Play with elephants
• Kayak somewhere pretty
• Ride a horse drawn carrage
• Attend a craft fair
• Kiss under a waterfall
• Do a color run
• Ride a rollercoaster
• Host a LAN party 
• Attend a foodtruck Rally
• Visit the glowworm cave
• Solve a jigsaw Puzzle
• Take a kid trick or treating
• Be an extra in a movie
• Go white water rafting
• Make my own booze
• Join a sports team
• Stand on a glacier
• Go through a hedge maze
• Build a Blanket fort
• Go on a hayride
• go ice skating
• Go caroling (Check)
• Fly a kite
• Visit a zoo
• Visit the Museum of Natural History
• Ride a tandem bike
• Have a New York Christmas and New Years
• Dance in the rain
• Attend a summer camp
• Have a pillow fight
• Have a candle lit picnic
• Have a spa day
• Spend the night in a castle
• Visit a ghost town
• Picnic in Central Park
• Gondola in Venice
• Go to a carnival
• Explore a cave
• Do the splits
• Have a motorcycle ride
• Visit the rainforest
• Visit Stonehenge
• See a TED Talk
• Experience zero gravity
• Drink from a coconut (Check)
• Learn to hoop dance
• Visit the 7 wonders of the modern world
• Visit all the continents
• Pee in all the oceans
• Visit the states and territories
• Celebrate my 50th Anniversary

Exercising and getting back into the swing.

 I haven't exercised since Willow passed. I just can't bring it forth. I can't summon the motivation to do anything really.

But starting Monday I will do my exercises. In the morning, I will work on the exercise bike. Every other day I will do interval training using the couch to 5k app. the other days I will just spend 15 minutes on the exercise bike warming up. On the days I do interval training I will do a 15 minute stretch routine. and on the days I just do 15 minutes I will do a 30 minute stretch routine.

I'm starting to go back to work here on Wednesday. I will be walking to and from school every day which is about a mile and a half both ways. I have a pretty active job. So I will have plenty of opportunities to be physically active during the day. 

If I have the energy in the future I would like to add strength training.  I would like to get to a point where I am as strong as I was in my hey day. I used to be so strong, flexible, and in shape. That was before the FND.

And FND will strike again. It's a matter of time. I need to get on top of it now so the pull back from the FND doesn't ruin me. 

Survival

 I have survived so much in my lifetime.

When I was a child I was severely bullied, both physically and verbally. I remember one instance of this. We were living in my brother's friend's house before moving to New Mexico. This friend was the son of a big shot heart surgeon. This kid would berate me and hit me. Living with him was intolerable, but I still did it. There was another, Amanda who made my life hell. I got a black eye wrestling with a friend and she claimed ownership of the shiner. She and the other kids would call me La cucaracha. It was rough, but survivable, though. 

Then I was raped multiple times by my boyfriend in high school. He used suicide as a way to keep me in the relationship. He manipulated me and was highly jealous of my male friends. Coming to grips with the trauma was hard. 

Then there was my divorce. I was a good Christian girl who did not believe in divorce. But he chose intimacy elsewhere. He would have rather had his hand than me. He would have rathered play video games than spend time with me. He was an intimacy vacuum. He was a good man other than that. A good and decent man. I just couldn't take the lack of intimacy. I asked for a divorce after a lot of trying. 

Finally my FND. This, I'm ashamed to say, is the most traumatic. During a flair I need help bathing, using the toilet, feeding myself. I am completely useless. I have flairs about every other year. I loose my job. I loose my friends. I loose everything. There have been men who have stood by me, family too, but ultimately I live in constant fear of a flair. 

All this Trauma has made me stronger, but also made me weaker. It's made me stronger in that I know I can survive a lot. I know who I am and what I want. But it makes me constantly afraid of the worst case scenario. I am terrified of things going awry and stopping me from being happy. 

Despite the trauma I am a good person, mostly. Granted I am human and I make mistakes. However I like who I am on a general level. I'm tough. I have lived through a lot. And even with my suicidal tendencies, I am better on a whole for having lived through what I have. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't wish my life on any other. However, I am a good human being striving to do what is best in a world that is imperfect. 

Honeymoon

 Since I got married in May I've planned a honeymoon for next year around our anniversary. It's not the greatest adventure, but it should prove very fun. For our honeymoon we will be doing a Civil War trail and tour that I have all planned.

It starts Saturday at 9 am. This is when we wake up, and leave to Antietam. It's about a 2 hour drive from us. So we explore Antietam and have lunch on the battlefield via a picnic we brought from home. After we have explored the grounds and museum, we will head to a German restaurant called the Bavarian Inn and Brewery where we will eat Bavarian food and drink beer. Then we'll go to our hotel in Harper's Ferry. 

The next morning we will wake up and go to Harper's Ferry. We'll explore the grounds and museum and have lunch on the historic town wherever we want. Then we'll shop the town. I'm looking forward to seeing all the little shops. We'll head to Kelly's Farm Kitchen for dinner. It's vegan fare, but has amazing reviews. I like Vegan food because it's food. We'll go back to our hotel for a bit or hit up a bar. Whatever is more fun.

On Monday we'll leave Harper's Ferry at 9 and head up to Gettysburg. We will have a horseback tour at 10 that lasts 2 hours. I love that that is an option. It's expensive, but it will be so worth it. We'll have lunch at the Dobbin House Tavern. It's a pub fare situation. Soups and sandwiches are mostly served. Then we'll go back to Gettysburg to explore in our car with the app. We will have dinner at a restaurant called Sign of the Buck. It's an upscale restaurant that serves seafood and meat dishes. We'll then do a ghost tour of Gettysburg. Finally we'll head to the hotel and check in for the night. 

Tuesday we'll drive to DC. We'll spend some time on The Mall, and then eat lunch at a street vendor. Then it's off to Ford's Theater. Some more exploring is in order at that point. Finally, we'll cap our night at Karma Modern Indian for their tasting menu. It's a Indian fusion restaurant so that should be fun. We'll then go to our hotel which we've stayed at before. It will be good memories.

The next morning, Wednesday, we'll drive to Manassas, and take in the battlefield and museum. Lunch is at Taste of Old Country. It's a place that sells oils and vinegars, but has a restaurant too. We'll go back to the battlefield and look around, and finally end up at Crossroads Tabletop Tavern where dinner will be served with board games and beer.

On Thursday it's off to Richmond. The White House of the Confederacy will be our first stop. Then we'll be off to a Segway tour of the Hollywood Cemetery. Lunch will be wherever we wish, but dinner will be at L'Opossum. It's a French fusion restaurant. We'll be in for an upscale treat. 

Friday morning we'll drive to Appomattox. I want to see where the South surrendered. I have nothign for eating at Appomattox, but I'm sure we'll find something. 

The next day, Saturday, we will drive up the 151 corridor and stop at wineries, breweries, and distilleries before coming home. 

As you can see, I have a lot planned for our honeymoon. I'm excited about it. We'll do it in May of next year. I'll post pictures when I actually do it. 

Badass Goals Revisted

 Badasses are badass, in my opinion, because they strive to be better. I want to be a badass so I will strive to be better. I'm going to make SMART goals for each of my original badass definition.

• They are fit, healthy, and strong

1. By August 1st, 2025 I will be able to walk a mile without being winded. 
2. By August 1st, 2025 I will be able to do a pigeon pose unaided. 

• They have their own personal style

1. By August 1st, 2025 I will have a wardrobe that includes 1 month of work outfits (I'm realistic about my ability to do laundry regularly) and 2 weeks of casual outfits. 

• They know how to fight

1. By August 1st, 2025 I will register at my local Karate dojo

• They work with any physical impairments

1. By August 1st 2025 I will be compassionate with my disability by taking needed rest days.

• They are clean, and hygienic 

1. By August 1st, 2025 I will shower daily, wash my hair every other day, and brush my teeth twice a day. I will also floss.

Intellectual:

• They have varied knowledge

1. By August 1st 2025 I will finish Khan Academy Math content for all grade school levels.

• They know of other badasses

1. By August 1st, 2025 I will read 3 biographies of 3 badasses

• They are well read

1. By August 1st, 2025 I will read 52 books...even if they are trash.

• They know a verity of etiquette and protocol and the time and place to use each

1. By August 1st 2025 I will go to a Toast Masters meetup.

• They have an adventurous spirit

1. By August 1st 2025 I will complete 3 objectives from my Bucket List.

• They listen more or as much as they speak

1. By August 1st, 2025 I will listen to conversations more often than I speak with 80% accuracy.

• They are creative spirits

1. By August 1st, 2025 I will learn to play 5 songs on the guitar.

Social:

• They are leaders

1. By August 1st, 2025 I will take a position of leadership at my job. Even if it's only a team leadership position.

• They are independent

1. By August 1st, 2025 I will pay back the money I borrowed from Dad 
2. By August 1st, 2025 I will meet with a financial planner about my finances.

• They have an unusual hobby

1. By August 1st, 2025 I will go to 1 convention and 3 LARPs. 

• They are keenly aware of the plight of their fellow man.

1. By August 1st, 2025 I will begin volunteering at a local homeless shelter. 

• They are humanitarians

1. By August 1st, 2025 I will sign up to volunteer politically.

• They have a willingness (not an outright desire) to defy conventions to stand up for those who cannot.

1. By August 1st, 2025 I will stand up to my parents when they are being racist or sexist.

• They actually DO things and don't just talk about them.

1. By August 1st, 2025 I will have written in this blog 52 times to keep track of my progress.

Personal:

• They have their own moral code, which they strictly abide by.

1. By August 1st, 2025 I will have reflected on each part of my moral code through this blog. 

• They stand up for themselves as they do others.

1. By August 1st, 2025 I will go to therapy every other week.

• They know their limits and attempt to overcome them.

1. By August 1st, 2025 I will challenge myself to do all of the proceeding and following things.

• They have a mindfulness and inner-peace.

1. By August 1st, 2025 I will join a weekly Yoga class.

• They listen to their inner voice.

1. By August 1st, 2025 I will meditate once a week on Mondays.

• They are okay with being alone.

1. By August 1st, 2025 I will go camping alone for a week.

• They are organized with their time and space

1. By August 1st, 2025 I will clean and maintain my space as if people are coming to stay with me.

• They normally have a vice that may negate one or two of the above.

1. By August 1st, 2025 I will quit smoking and vaping. 

Change

 I legally changed my last name today. I got married in May and it's about time.

I also tried to donate plasma for money. It turns out I have to get approved because of my FND. Either way, at least I'll know whether I can donate or not. and I didn't /desperately/ need the money...though I do need it. 

Finances have been tight since Cody doesn't have a job. He's currently 'in training' for one, but not being paid yet. So he has an interview on the first for another job.

I've been slacking off since Willow passed. I finally showered yesterday, but I haven't been exercising like I should...or doing Khan Academy...or anything productive really. I'll start in hot and heavy into my schedule tomorrow. As of right now my schedule will be:

5:00am Wakeup, relax for 10 minutes and vape (Though I need to break that habit) Exercise bike, stretch. eat breakfast/take pills. 
7:00am Eventually will be when I leave for work, but for now I will do Khan Academy for an hour.
8:00am Clean the house.
12:00 Lunch time
1:00 Reading
2:00pm Writing
3:00pm Guitar and singing
4:00pm Cody Time.
8:00pm Get ready for bed
8:30 Go to bed

And I just found out Cody's 'job' was a scam. So now we have to deal with that. Great. But he has another interview coming up so...yey?

I need money for college. I might have to ask my dad for some. That will be an adventure. I'm pretty sure I bled that resource dry. Since Willow has passed I'm not worried about Vet bills. I am, however wondering if we'll be able to do our two trips I have planned. 

The first is down to visit my parents in Florida during Christmas. The second is a Civil War trek honeymoon where we visit Harper's Ferry, Antietam, Gettysburg, Washington DC, Richmond, and the Appomattox. It'll be a fun get-away but I won't go until May of next year. 

I'm excited about the school year starting. The co teacher I have is very interested in working as a team to educate the students. So I am going to start station teaching with her. That will be the third week into school. We're going to be whole class teaching the first 2 weeks of school. This is great because I love lesson planning. 

I finished 2 crochet projects: my sweater and a hat to match. I'm currently working on a matching scarf. If I have leftover yarn I may do gloves as well. Who knows. I'm mostly doing it to keep my hands busy. Next summer I'll pick up a summer job...maybe bartending, or maybe at the library or something. I don't want another job during the school year, especially this school year since I'll be taking classes too.

In political news, Biden dropped out after Trumps attempted assassination. Looks like Kamala Harris is to be our new Democratic presidential candidate. I'm fine with that. Anyone is better than Trump. He's a narcissistic felon who has no since of the gravatas required to lead. Not to mention he's a racist and has aims of taking gender constraints back to the 50s. I bet my bottom dollar he gets elected, anyway. I have very little hope that we aren't heading towards Nazi Germany. I'll probably be in a camp sometime in the future. Who knows.

I'm down today.

At least I'm surrounded by my babies. 

At least I'm planning a LARP in November. 

At least I have a roof over my head and food in my belly.

 

Willow is dead

 I keep smelling her. She was very stinky in the end. I keep seeing her. She's just out of the corner of my eye. I'm grieving in a way that is unfamiliar to me. A part of me is reeling. It misses her so much, but there's a bigger part of me that says, "Enough is enough! Everything dies. She lives on in you. Take care of that!"

I haven't showered since I lost her. I don't want to stop smelling her.

I can't get my act together. 

She's gone. 

I miss her.

She's gone.

Willow is Dying

 Willow, my cat, has cancer. She is such a precious baby, but her time on earth is coming to an end. I feel as though I've given her a good life. We grew together, and she's been my rock through many hard times. We've been through several serious boyfriends. She's seen me get married. She's been through my divorce. So many moves. She is a good girl, a bit particular, but a good girl. She has always communicated well with me. 

I'm going to miss her when she goes. The running plan is to have a vet come to the house and put her to sleep and then cremate her. She'll then join Balsa, my pet snake, in an urn. When I die, all my adulthood pets ashes will be mixed with mine so I'll be together with them forever.

I'm okay, sad, but okay. She's had an expensive operation to remove cancer before. I just couldn't afford another one. It wasn't her time before. I couldn't have handled it and she wasn't ready. She's almost ready now. She's being so sweet to me. I'm waiting for her to tell me that it's time.

I love her.