Weight watchers

I spent money on it. I have to use it. I am officially doing weight watchers.I have 30 points daily and 42 bonus points to play with. I'm 200lbs and my goal is to be 135 by my birthday. I'm not feeling good about spending money on weight watchers, but I obviously need help keeping my control. This is the first step in helping me to get helthier.

The next step is actually getting to the gym 3 times a week.

Then I'll figure out my money situation...

One step at a time!

Wistful Spring Looking to Midsummer

My plants are short and stunted, as if they're feeding off my energy lately. I can't seem to get up the motivation to do anything. I've gained all the weight I'd lost back and then some (Though some of it must be water weight from my lady-times. I can't have gained 10lbs in a week) I can't seem to keep my house clean, and I have no idea what my money looks like, and I'm too scared to look. I got denied for 3 out of 10 jobs I applied for without interview. I'm having a hell of a time getting moving this spring.

But Midsummer is around the corner, and beyond that my license on the 1st of July. Maybe, just maybe I can start up some momentum by then. I just need to get disciplined.

Things I want to be better at:

1) cleaning
2) writing
3) eating/dieting
4) getting to the gym
5) sticking to a budget

Nastalgia

Nostalgia is nasty, hence the title.

I started reading all my old books, getting rid of the hard copies and replacing them with kindle versions. Through reading them I've discovered some of my favorite books as a young adult are actually horribly written. I still paw at them with an almost religous fervor, but every plot hole and poor discription wounds me.

I go to my parent house occasionally. It's the house I grew up in, but it is no longer my home. My room has been gutted and is now my youngest brother's room. The house has been through so many decorations it's no longer the house I knew as a child. The only place I have is a toothbrush in the guest toothbrush drawer.

I'm a different person than I was. Every trial I face changes me for good or ill and I can never go back to what I was before. Sometimes I forget where I came from. I shed the past like a snake. Honestly the person I was a year ago seems like a character I read in a story. Who was I? I was many people leading up to this person now. I am the echo of the Laura's before me.

When a snake sheds it's skin, right before there is a darkening of the skin and the snakes eyes glaze over. It is blind and lashes out at anything that may be a threat. I feel like that snake these days. I'm scared of myself and who I'll become as well as the world around me. 

When I get my license and a job I'll have shed my skin. Who will I be? I hope I'm industrious and moral, not like I have been lately. I want to look back through nostalgic eyes and not recognize the person I've been and love the person I am, being happy, but never satisfied with the person I am.

Nature friends

I have a Robin and a groundhog that live on my property. They have come to be A stable comfort in my every day life. The Robin has little baby chicks that sit around with her mouth wide open waiting for mom to feed them. Sometime she doesn't fly off when I come and visit. She eyes me was a nervous glance but stays put.

The groundhog I rarely see. His name is Rufus. He's fuzzy in reclusive. I watch him at my window sometimes. He scratches out some food from the lawn. At least I think it's food I don't know what groundhog eat.

I've come to view them as neighbors friendly neighbors who just live lives like everyone else. With the loss of my best friend, they and my ancestors have become my best friends. The people I talk to the most.

I mean I have Joe but he's not the same. He lives with me.

In a primitive way I think my robin friend understands that I'm a friendly neighbor. She tolerates my need for company with a begrudging humor that most exhausted mothers have for friends who come over.

And I thank her for the consistency she provides in my life. I can even tell her apart from other robins. She has a line of grey feathers just under her dull red breast. It curves slightly like dunes in a desert. I think she's old, older than other robins, and therefore is less wary of me.

I talk to her as she watches me look over her best to check on her two little chicks.

Nothing is impossible

I see a lot of posts these days about how nothing is impossible with faith and willpower. To an extent I believe in it. Adaptability, grit, and creativity goes a long way to making things happen. Luck as well plays a major part. But there can be a lot of damage done by telling people that anything is possible. 

I encourage those people to try flying off their roof. Some things are just unrealistic.

In my worst state, people told me I could be better if I just tried harder and had faith in whatever pleased them. No, what got me worse was hard work. It put me out longer than I was well. What got me better was luck getting me to the right Doctor, and pills that push back my symptoms. Pushing too hard still puts me out. Faith has nothing to do with it. I know my limits because I've explored them. I've adapted my life around them. To the people who say there are no limits, they just haven't discovered theirs, and they are lucky.

A man with celiac disease can't eat gluten. Their are ways to get the flavored similar, but fact is they can't eat gluten.

People who have broken spines don't just get up and walk around. And they certainly shouldn't go bungee jumping.

Four year olds with towels on their shoulders can't fly.

Liver transplants shouldn't drink.

Sometimes that person you love will never be with you.

Surviving Mt Everest without a guide or provisions is suicide.

People can not make flames in their hand with their mind.

I should never be alone with a group of students in case I have a seizure.

Not everything is possible and that's okay. Yes, you should push to become better. Yes, amazing and wonderful things are possible for those who try hard, but there are hard limits on what a person can do. 

At 30 without a proper degree, poor eyesight, and a bad case of FND and Tourette's...I'm never going to be an astronaut. I can become an astronomer, and charter a flight into space one day, but I'll never pilot a shuttle or do experiments aboard. There are limits set by my body, age, and society. 

Being a badass is not finding what you can't do and overcoming it. It's finding what you can do and overcoming the challenges you face until you master the challenges.

There are so many things that are possible, just not everything is possible.

I'm not an optimist, nor a pessimist. I'm a realist.

Dieting...again.

I fail at dieting. It's not that I don't want to. It's that the will to eat pervades my thoughts. If I'm bored, I eat. If I'm hungry, I eat. If I'm thirsty I eat.

Sometimes I drink my calories. Mostly it's coffee with a lot of milk.

I have a goal. To be 135 lbs by my birthday. That way I can rock the bald look on my terms. I haven't lost much weight. in 2 weeks I've lost 3-4 ish lbs. But with Joe getting out of school, we're going to go to the gym almost every day. I now have a strict eggs for breakfast and veggies for lunch. Well see how that goes.

I hope I don't boredom eat. I might start boredom smoking instead and then buy myself a vape pen. (Not out of want, but because it's a thing to do) It's not the best option, but I need something to kill my time and I'm so sick of housework it's not even funny. I am weak.

I mean, It's not like I'm not applying to jobs and using free weights and walking to places...It's just there's so much time in the day, and only a few hours of it goes to working out and walking and cleaning. You'd be surprised how much time you get after you loose the ability to watch TV and you can only play video-games for an hour or so.

When you think your over your divorce

When you think you're over your divorce, go to a wedding. There is nothing as heart wrenching in seeing the beginning of something that is so beautiful, and reminds you that it could all end tragically.

It reminds you of your own beautiful beginning. It traps you in that day and your happiness. All the while knowing it ended.

The surest sign you're over you're divorce is when you can go to a wedding and not feel heartbroken once. 

It takes a lot of weddings but eventually weddings become happy events again. You know that not everyone divorces. Yours was a fluke and happiness can find you again, even if you're alone.