Push Yourself Harder! Go! Go! Go!

A lot of people are under the assumption that I can do a lot despite my disability; that getting things accomplished is a matter of mind over matter. This is not the case by any stretch of the imagination.

It's something I'm confused about, and need professional help with, but the more "willful" I get when trying something I'm having trouble with, the greater the problem I have conducting that task.

Two examples immediately jump to mind. The first is when I'm walking upstairs during an episode. If I'm having a hard time from the get-go moving my feet, intence focus and willfulness results it decreased ability to walk. It normally follows with a bad episode later, most likely a seizure. Another example is during my vocal tremors and paralysis, the harder I try and communicate vocally, the worse I get. 

Many people have told me that I just need to exercise. Take walks, do yoga, stretch, and push myself hard because it's the only way to get better. Although I can agree in exercise being good, I think pushing my body is counterproductive. (It certainly doesn't help that I don't know how not to take my body and push its limits) there are a few examples of this.

Grocery shopping is a great example. Shopping is physically exhausting. I start out fine, but as the putting progresses, I get worse. I have trouble walking more and more, and the tremors start on esrnest. By the time I get home I'm bad enough to have a full on seizure.

Christmas I caved into the pressure and I stretched, and I walked, and then I went shopping. I  started seizing in the middle of the parking lot. I couldn't even make it to the car.

The harder I try to work my body, the worse the seizures and movements get. They, in themselves, could be considered an intense workout that lasts 30 minutes to an hour. Imagine sprinting for that long while lifting weights. That's what it feels like. They strain my joints and muscles. To top it off my brain feels disconnected, fuzzy, and hurts after. Focus flies out the window for the next 24-48 hours. 

It is for this reason I feel as though I need to wait for a professional experianced In my disability to exercise to help me find the balance between exercise and pushing myself.

It's for this reason I'm really tired of people telling me I need to push myself harder to exercise. I've always enjoyed exercise, and I do agree I need it. Telling me I need it is redundant and annoying. I know my body. I'm learning what makes me worse. People who aren't medical professionals, and not me. People who don't understand what I am going through telling me to push harder frustrate the hell out of me. "No excuses," one said to me "just get it done. Everyday, get it done." 

I'm so bored of my house, of my phone, of video games. People seem to think I don't want to get out and exercise. I would kill to ride my bike. If I could I would be out helping Joe woodwork or cleaning my house. If I could I'd be walking to the places close by. I love being outside. I love being productive and doing things. I'm not being lazy. I'm trying not to get worse.

On my good days, I do try. I stretch, and I try to do more around the house. I get out of my chair. I go out and walk. Those days aren't as frequent as people think.  

But ranting aside, I do need to figure out a way to exercise when going up and down stairs is enough to cause a seizure sometimes. It's not easy, but I have dedicated some time to finding a solution. Soon I will hopefully have a personal trainer to help me too.