One day I'm going to stop pretending that I'm okay with not being able to go out and do what I want to do. One day I promise I won't smile through tears and joke around that my heart doesn't ache every time I see someone doing something I can't.
One day I'll be okay with my disability.
Today is not that day.
I was going to go to the cvs that's less than a mile away today. I spent today in pain and unable to walk much at all, much less make myself more than cereal.
Joe is having fun in Canada. Jess is with her husband 3 hours away enjoying a oyster festival. Mom got to travel around with my great aunt, see one of my best friends.
I struggled to make it outside for a much needed cigarette (I've started smoking again, and I have zero fucks to give about it)
I guess I got to travel to Kentucky to see my grandmother and my dads side of the family. I guess it's not all bad, even though I kept my family from doing awesome things making me feel guilty. I hold people back when I do things with them. They pretend I don't...but the lies hurt worse than the truth. The truth is I'm a burden.
I smile. I pretend. I act excited, but really I'm just jealous. My pride is wounded. And my face is rubbed more and more to the fact I'm unable to do the things I used to. I joke to cover up my pain.
It's okay though. One day I'll travel again. I'll have a garden. I'll have animals. I'll teach. One way or another I will work through this.
One day I'll be okay. It's just not going to be today.
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