In it to win it?

Every day this week has been for therapy of some kind. What time I haven't spent at the doctors has been spent sleeping, or doing reserch on this thing. I've spent so much time with my disorder this week it hurts...literally. 

Even though I'm tired, I hurt, and I really just want it all to end, I've made a lot of discoveries this week.

The most poiniant one is a question Joe asked me. Do I really believe I can get cured? I've put some thought into this, as it's a hard question for me. Hope battles with abject realism inside. And to wrap it all up in a messy package, I don't know what I should believe. If I put too much hope into being completely cured there will (statistically) come a time when I'm not, and because I fell short of my goal I'll fail to see that better is an acceptable alternative. But, if I put my goal at a realistic level, let's say able to simply  work and take care of my household with minimal symptoms, and put my goal in improvement rather than an end all-be all goal of being completely cured, no matter what the result, I'll be happy...because getting better is realistic whereas being cured is not.

 Sure, it's easy to say "I believe I'll be completely cured" but cured may not be realistic with current medical treatments.

To quote dr. Mark Edwards, one of the leading researchers into FND "The short answer is yes. We know from our current understanding of how the brain malfunctions in FND that the basic structure of the brain is normal. This is a good start, as it means that recovery is in theory possible.

There is of course the question: “what does ‘better’ mean?” Some of you in your questions asked whether people with FND can get 100% back to normal. For other people “getting better” may mean something a bit different, like being able to do more of the things they want to do, but not being completely symptom free. I have certainly seen people with FND get 100% better. I think it is 

perhaps more common for people who “get better” to experience significant improvement in symptoms so that symptoms, most of the time, fade into the background and do not interfere too much with what people want to do day to day. This is not quite the same as being 100% symptom free, but it is clearly a big change which in a real way affects quality of life."

So what should I believe? What should be my goal? Should I be realistic, or should I get in it to win it?

My heart tells me that improvement should be my constant goal, no matter where that goal lands me. At the same time, there is a lot of power in positive thinking, and setting goals beyond your reach.

I want to be back to normal. If I could cure myself 100% I would do it in a heartbeat, but is it realistic?

Ultimately I think that I've come to the conclusion that having an end game goal is more detrimental to me than not. I think I should believe that I have the ability to continually improve and find ways to adapt my world to make it better. 

I believe that if I could get rid of the tremor, the chronic fatigue, and the reading comprehension issues I could lead a comfortable and functional life as a homemaker and homesteader. I think if I could get over those symptoms, the others wouldn't feel so bad. I would be able to live a comfortable life. It wouldn't be my dream job, but it would still be an enjoyable life.

Anyway, I've had a doctors appointment every day this week. I'm finished with thinking about my disability. I'm craving red meat, fried onions, a crispy salad, and an apple pie with tons of ice cream.