Cody Time

I got Cody Time yesterday! We made mead together and watched TV! I'm so happy! It's been so long since I got to spend time with Cody!

I spent 2.5 hours yesterday working on disability stuff. The majority of the time was spent calling the social security administration trying to find out when disability will go through. I got the answer "No clue. We're working on it." It's frustrating. I've been disabled for over a year and unable to work for almost a year. I'm so frustrated.

Morning tasks have been done except weighing myself. I usually wait for my morning poop to weigh in, but it's not coming.

I've had a headache for the past few days and I'm wondering if it's the Chantix making me not absorb nicotine or something. It's hard to get things done with a headache.

I'll do laundry today. Cody has been taking care of dishes so that kills the indecision stalling. I can just focus on laundry and that will be that.

I think my first paycheck I'll take us out for a nice meal. I need something to look forward to. For a while it was hobbit day. Now it's going to be my first paycheck. All I need now is to get hired somewhere.

I got a phone call from Vocovision about a potential virtual teaching job. If the middle school job falls through that will be my alternative. I need something, anything, to make an income.

I haven't done exercises much this week. I'll start again Monday. Until then I stretch daily. Might even do 30 minute stretches these next 2 days.

It's time to get to work job hunting.

Back At It

I've had enough rest days. It's time to get back into the swing of things.

I got a job at Tutored by Teachers. Since it's a tutoring job I'm not hopeful. VIP Kid has jaded me to tutoring. I'm also waiting on a phone call to say I got the middle school job. 

Quitting cigarettes has been interesting. It's like I'm not even smoking them. I'm just not getting anything out of it anymore. However, my body is craving smoking. The result is I'm smoking more...which sucks cuz my accounts are overdrawn. I fucking need a job or disability like woah.

Today I had a hard time getting started. I'm behind on my morning tasks. I'm thinking I'm not ready for strength training just yet and I'm going to focus on couch to 5k for another couple weeks.

I'm going to call social security today to see where we are in my disability proceedings. Something has to give. 

Everything will be alright, though. I need to keep believing that. I need it.

Hope

I am having the hardest time getting anything in the afternoon done. My FND has been bad. And this morning I woke up with a headache.

Today again I'm taking it easy. I'm doing my morning tasks, then I'm just stretching. After that I'm going to try my hardest to get my laundry done.

I had an interview yesterday and I made the cut. Unfortunately it's a tutoring position so not full time money. It's something, though. I just need to fill out the forms now.

I've been waking up thinking I've chipped my teeth a lot lately. I think I'm going to get a mouth guard. I dream I bite down on a rock or something hard and the teeth near my cavity chip and break. It's an awful feeling. I check my teeth again and again after to make sure they're still there.

A hummingbird flew up to me and hovered in front of me while I was smoking yesterday. I was pondering the meaning behind it, and mom came out with the perfect explanation. Granny is watching over me. She's my disir and will always look after me. I think I'll hold a ritual to her as the veil between worlds thins. I need to buy some candles, though. I'm out of white chime candles.

Around that time, I got a call from the middle school job saying they were checking my references. They wouldn't do that if I wasn't a strong contender. I hope I get that job.

This headache won't quit. I might actually take some painkiller. I want to get stuff done. Until then, Cedar is cuddled in my lap and I can't move.

FND Day

Yesterday was a bust. During strength training I got a headache so I laid down. Then the FND symptoms hit.They didn't hit hard, but it was significant enough to put me under for the rest of the day.

So back to it today, but I take it easy.

I started Chantix yesterday, and I'm already seeing an uptick in not enjoying cigarettes. I both love and hate the feeling, but I have got to quit smoking. Once I quit I will never have one again. I am both sad and elated. I'm sad because a large chunk of my social group smokes. I'm elated because I'll have more money. 

I'm worried about Cody's employment. His boss called me yesterday because he's had several no call no shows and he was worried. He's totally going to get fired. He says he has it under control, but I wonder if he's lieing to me. We can't afford two people unemployed right now, and as hard as I'm working to gain employment, it takes time. I'm scared...like outright scared. I don't want to have to move. I just want to be financially secure, have my house, and live a decent life.

I'm so scared.

And if Cody is lieing to me we are going to have problems. I don't ask for much in my relationships. I deal with a lot, but I need honesty and communication to feel secure. I need it.

So afraid.

But I must soldier on. Keep on doing my best and everything will work out.

Maybe Cody and I need to have a sit down. Review expectations and lay out my fears.

Exhausted

I was exhausted yesterday. I slept for 4 hours in the afternoon. That means I didn't get any afternoon tasks done. Morning tasks, especially the exercise challenge, we're difficult. I was just so tired.

No word on jobs yet. Though I did have an interview yesterday. It didn't go as well as I had hoped. I probably won't get that job. Which is fine. It's a sales job. I hate sales, though the benefits are greatly appealing. I'd rather have a teaching job any day of the week. I hope I get that 6th grade position. I really do. Or I hope disability comes in. 

I think I decided on public speaking for my free class. It's an easy class to do because it's mostly speaking games. Plus it is such a valuable skill to have.

I hope I get the 6th grade position so bad.

Today my FND is prevalent, but not alarmingly so. Just some tremors and some convolutions. It's because I'm stressed and have been pressing too hard I think.

I've done most of my morning tasks. Today I will do laundry because I didn't do it yesterday. My cleaning challenge will be to start on getting stuff into the crawlspace.

I might even retry screwing in the TV. I've had enough time away from it. Time usually helps. But I have energy today. I have spoons. I'm going to use them.

Parent Visit

I love my parents, but they live far away in Florida. However, they came to visit me yesterday.We had lunch and I showed them around downtown. Then I took a nap. After that we went to a local brewery where we socialized. Then they took me shopping where I got fresh fruits and veggies for lunches and snacks. This morning we hit up Sheetz and I saw them off. It was so good to see them. I miss my parents greatly. They've been a major support throughout my life. 

However, it also means I didn't get much done yesterday. I mean, I got my morning tasks done, but afternoon tasks were not. Since this weekend was shot for afternoon tasks, I really need to redouble my efforts to get stuff done today.

I pick up my Chantix prescription today. In 3 weeks I'll have stopped smoking!!!! I'm excited about that. I'm even more excited that insurance completely covered it! So excited to not smoke... especially because winter is coming up. Smoking outside in winter is almost as bad as smoking in the rain.

Cody is doing better too. Of that I'm relieved. I don't know what clicked, but he's been to the doctor and now he has prescription meds to help him. I'm so happy!

I'm hoping I get a callback today on the middle school ELA job. I want it so bad I can taste it. It will be hard, but I know if I can swing it it will be a very good job. 

In the meantime, I need to finish my morning tasks. Doing laundry will be my cleaning challenge today. I have a large backlog of laundry that really needs to get done. And it will be. 

I need to work on staying awake through the entire day. There are no naps at work. I've put some more thought into morning schedule once I start working. I'm going to of course cut out job hunting and probably TPT...but I'll still clean out the litter boxes in the morning. That's for certain. That's a habit I definitely want to keep.

Teachers need to be in the building at 8:00 at the middle school. That gives me 2.5 hours to get stuff done. I'll probably do coffee and Duolingo for the first 15 minutes. Litter and mail the next 15. Then I'll do the exercise challenge, shower, and have breakfast before I go in. When I get home I'll do my afternoon tasks and my lessons. That way I have my lessons in my schedule still.

Hobbit Day!

I had hobbit day yesterday. It was a chore and a privilege. By the end of the day I was so full I thought I might die. However, the food was amazing! 

I only captured 4 of the 7 meals. Cody's sister came over and we hung out. However, the internet was down all day so I had to watch Lord of the rings from my phone when people weren't around.

We also had some drama trying to get the universal remote to work. Neither Katie nor I could figure it out in our intoxicated state. I'll try again today. Which I did. Now everything is good.

Today is going to be hanging out with my parents! I'm so excited to see them and show them my progress! The house is messier than I'd like, but it's also cleaner than they're used to.

I've done my morning tasks. I'm going to finish up, exercise, and clean a little before the folks get here.

Holy Cow

Holy cow, yesterday was busy. After my morning tasks I went to the interview. It went well, but I wasn't sure if I would get the job. Then I stop by the middle school to talk with the principal there. She wasn't available so I came home and laid down for a nap. Then the principal called me, so I went over there and talked with her for a while. That informal interview went really well. I'd be surprised if I didn't get the job. Then Patty came over. We went to lunch and got the TV up. It's not fully up, but it works. After that I took Cody to his doctor's appointment and went to Walmart while he was in the doctor's appointment. Came home. We had dinner and watched a few episodes of Lower Decks. Then I made blueberry mini pies.

But the internet is down. So that means that I can't really watch my movies. But what I can do is eat my food. I made a lot of food.

I'm struggling to get to my morning tasks done. I almost threw up my pills when I took them. And since then it's been kind of blah. But I at least got my lessons done. I'll do the litter and the mail after I'm done journaling.

I need to start the Hungarian mushroom soup. I'll do that. Anyway, onwards to Hobbit day!

Another Interview

I have another interview this morning. I'm hoping I get this job. It's teaching English in a 4th grade classroom. 

I did adjust my schedule to account for exercise and a shower afterwards, but my hair is perfect. I'm not going to do either till after the interview.

The Internet is down so I have to do my morning tasks from my phone, which is fine. I'm nothing if not adaptable.

Today I make lambus bread and mini blueberry pies. I'm excited for tomorrow. 

Patty comes over today to help me hang the TV. We will then go to lunch. I love that woman. I really lucked out with a future mother in law.

The interview yesterday wasn't my best work. I spent so much time being casual and confident I really don't see me getting either job (it was 2 interviews in one)

Katt suggested I sell party plans. It's something I could easily do. I think I may after I'm done with teachers pay teachers. Heck, I may just start today since I can't do teachers pay teachers because of the Internet being down.

I want a job. I'm not ready, but I'm excited to have something. I want to have that fulfilment. I'm totally not ready yet. I'm tired and napping all the time, I still have bad FND episodes, and I need to quit smoking. I'm working on all of it, but I need to get better.

Clipped all but Willow's nails so far. It's a new task I'm going to do once a month. Willow especially gets stuck on fabric. This should make it better. I'll eventually move it to every 2 week, then every one, but for right now, once a month is doable.

Cody is doing better. I'm so glad. I'm wondering how much he's lieing and masking, but I have to take him at his word. At least he's trying to get better. Fake it till you make it and such.

I'm thinking I'm going to do Khan academy for another 30 minutes, duolingo for 30 minutes on top of that, then I'll get ready for the interview.

Long Day Will Be Long

Yesterday I got a lot done. I baked bread. I cleaned up the kitchen a bit. I did my morning tasks. Today will be much the same plus an interview.

I have an interview today that is a double interview. Both the middle school and high school sped program is going to sit in on the interview. I'm looking forward to the interview. At the very least it will prove that I can still do it. At most I will get a job out of it.

I'm scared I won't be able to do a job. My FND comes with stress. Teaching is very stressful. Sped is very stressful on top of that. I don't want to have to quit my job in the middle of the year because of my FND. 

I had a teaching dream last night. I was teaching a combination of two of my students how to do touch multiplication. The kid had an outgoing personality like one student, and the mental capacities of the other. And for some reason the parents objected to having touch multiplication taught to their student. Although it was a challenging dream, it was still so nice to be able to teach again even if it was only a dream.

My friend Katt, who has been really encouraging lately taught me a thing or two about Duolingo settings that are really going to boost my learning a lot.

I've been giving some thought to my schedule once I get a job. Obviously I want to keep doing what I've been doing. I'm just going to have to devote less time to the tasks. Plus add tasks based on the job I get. I'll probably still get up at 5:00. Go to bed at 7:00. That's to make sure I have enough energy to teach. I think I'll exercise in the morning. That way I have the rest of the day laid out before me. I don't end up being too exhausted to work out. We'll see what my schedule looks like when I get the job.

In the meantime, it's off to doing teachers pay teachers work. I post my first lesson on teachers pay teachers today. I'm very excited. Onward!

Friendship night

I stopped caring about getting things done yesterday after my morning tasks. The interview went well, but I grew resentful that I had to have the interview in the first place. Then I had to run errands for Rachel. Then Cody's depression got to me...so I said fuck it and went to hang out with Rachelle and Brandon. Brandon made a lovely dinner of beef tips and mashed potatoes. Then we had ice cream sundaes and watched the live action One Piece.

Because of it I'm feeling refreshed and recharged enough to take on this new challenge. 

So today I will be getting my shit DONE. I'm tired because I didn't get much sleep, but I have a nap scheduled into my day.

LETS DO THIS!!

Interview

I have a phone interview today and I have mixed feelings. On the one hand it's a decent company with great benefits. On the other hand it's a job I will despise. To job selling math IXL. I hate sales. What's more it's cold calling. But I need money, and the benefits are great. Although the company does have a reputation for laying off their workforce, I don't think that'll affect me. I plan on getting a teaching job next year. Another benefit is it's a hybrid job schedule. I would only have to go in the office 3 days a week. I've used Math IXL in my classrooms before. It's a good program, so I know I can sell it. I would much rather be teaching, but beggers can't be choosers. I hope I get the job. I also hope I don't get the job. I suppose I'm walking into the interview with manageable expectations. 

I'm feeling a bit more motivated to get things done today. It's been a bit of a struggle lately to find that motivation. I haven't been getting motivation from Cody since he's been dealing with...whatever is bothering him.getting that extrinsic motivation has been a big push in getting things done. Instead, I joined a party in Habitica. We are questing and it's really getting me the power I need to follow through.

I had my shrink appointment yesterday. We're upping one of the dosages for one of my pills. But also, I'm getting chantix! That means I quit smoking here soon! That would be nice. It's a completely unessicary expense. Plus it's getting into fall and eventually winter. Smoking in winter sucks. Also there's the health bit. But that's less impactful than the financial piece right now.

Today I focus hot and heavy on laundry. It absolutely needs to be done. I'm also going to bake bread. I hope Cody goes to work today. Having him in bed discourages me from doing stuff in the bedroom. Also, he needs to go to work because money.

All and all I'm hoping today will be productive.

Hot and Heavy

Yesterday with the 3 hour nap I had, was a bust in the afternoon.it was much needed after the wedding.

Today I get hot and heavy into my schedule. So far everything is going to plan.instead of resting I may need a nap, though. I only got 6 hours. I got a bit intoxicated and lost myself in a game.

It's couch to 5k today. I'm kinda looking forward to it. Ive been working on my strength training PowerPoint the past 2 days instead of stretching. Well. It started as a video. The cats kept interrupting it. I moved to power point.

Cleaning challenge today is cleaning the bird bathroom. It should be pretty easy. I've been cleaning it here and there for a bit now. I'm also going to organize the stuff in there.

This Saturday is Hobbit party day! It is mostly for me, but I invited the housemates and Cody's sister. We're going to have 7 meals and watch Lord of the Rings (as well as the animated Hobbit movie) all day long. I shouldn't have spent money on it, but I needed it! I need to prove to myself I can keep a date sacred. Plus amazing food! Next year I'll invite more people.

I'll be doing most of the prep during the week. I'll make bread, cakes, and quiches leading up to the event. That way it's easier on the day of.

I'm so excited.

Wedding and Good Feelings

Yesterday I did my morning tasks. In addition I put on makeup and got ready for the wedding.

And the wedding was a blast! I wish I would have been able to stay longer, but FND and an hour drive combined with it being past my bedtime made it impossible.

Cody caught the garter and although I didn't catch the bouquet he still put the garter on me. He made a grand show of it too. Mental note, no matter how long the dress, always wear bike shorts to weddings. Don't need anyone peeping.

Today has been a normal day, and although I only got 6 hours of sleep, I am powering through my tasks. I'm going to clean the counters in the kitchen today as my cleaning challenge. I also really need to straighten up my office. It's gotten very messy. So I'm planning on doing a lot of cleaning today.

I will also probably need a nap after I exercise. Luckily it's incorporated into the schedule so I don't need to shuffle anything around.

So I have a full schedule today as the kitchen is torn apart. Cody hasn't been feeling well so he hasn't been keeping up with it.

Habitica was down yesterday. It made it harder to get things done. I didn't get my dopamine hit with every task completed. Also, I didn't water the cats because I didn't have the reminder. It's back up, and I am thankful.

I'm feeling pretty good about myself right now. Life is a shit-show and it's all burning around me, but I'm fine. Those pills are working super well.

The Talk of Shame

Yesterday I called my dad to prep him for the potential of needing more money next month. As I thought would happen he gave me a lecture. Unlike usual, though this lecture hit home. He said two things that got to me:

1) I can't always depend on other people for money.

2) I need to try harder to get better

Both got me angry at myself. So I overworked at my exercises and I applied to jobs I can't really do. Both things exhausted and frustrated me.

So starting today I've worked job hunting into my schedule. It's less time for my lessons, but those aren't as important. They are mostly to keep my mind sharp and to learn how to teach better. 

Today I go to a wedding so I won't have as much time to clean or rest. Luckily I did a lot yesterday so that's fine.

I'm still going to exercise by way of stretching, but I'm also going to record a YouTube exercise routine I can actually do for strength. That will start Tuesday. Next week I'll also be doing couch to 5K week 2 again. The FND episode this week meant I basically skipped a day. That's not cool.

Next week I'll also be scheduling my morning tasks. That means I can't lazily do them at my whims. I actually need to focus and speed through some of them. Like taking my pills. I now have a scheduled time to do that.

I need to do laundry badly. I'll make time today to at least get one load put away. I also need to do dishes. 

Last night I tried my hand at making spring rolls. They exploded. It was funny and sad. Tonight dinner will be provided so I don't need to worry about dinner. Tomorrow we'll have chicken Cesar salads.

I'm feeling very bad about myself but I'm in good spirits anyway. I have new techniques to try harder. I also opened up pet sitting and tutoring for some pizza money. I use The term pizza money, but what I really mean is anything to add to our house fund. 

I need disability. I need a job. I need something. Something's got to give.

In the meantime I'll keep trying. There's not much more I can do.

Doing Better

Today I woke up feeling mostly normal. I have the odd tremor here and there, but I can get things done.

Yesterday was a recovery day. I got next to nothing done. I stayed in bed doing Duolingo. My brain was working, but my body was not.

Today I've done most of my morning tasks. Journaling comprises my last task. I'm going to do teachers pay teachers. I've written my first course. Now I need to edit, publish, and illustrate. If I keep this up, I should be able to finish the entire course load by the end of the month.

Willow is shaking. It means she's probably in pain. I don't have the money to take her to the vet. That really bothers me. I have some gabapentin that I'll probably give her. I just need disability to come through.

I am going to apply to jobs today. There aren't many out there, but I'm still going to try. I need some sort of income to help with household funds. I'm not yet ready to do in class teaching. Hell I'm not even ready to do virtual, but I need to try. I just need something to help out around the house without borrowing money.

I'm going to do my cleaning challenge today too, as well as other cleaning tasks. While I do so I'm going to let the cats watch TV.

FND Day

Yesterday was an FND day. I was so bad I couldn't even get food throughout most of the day. It was disheartening and very annoying. I'm feeling the twinges of it today too. I think I'm going to bring my computer into the bedroom and do computer work today...if I can get Cody out of the bedroom. He's not going to work and I am worried. Like very worried.

I would work if I could. In a heartbeat I would. And I'm trying so hard to get to the point where I can...but Cody is just depressed and won't leave the bed room. I have no idea what to do.

No exercise for me today. I'm not okay yet. I did do some dishes. They needed to be done and I'm the only one to do them. 

I'm so tired and twitchy. I need disability. Im so tired...not sleepy...just tired.

My Needs

 I am exhausted. I have been pushing myself so hard for the past month. I've done a lot and I am proud of myself, but it's still a lot and I am tired. I can't wait for my Friday day off. To sleep in would be grand. 

But yesterday was a bit stressful. I had to make Cody's mac n cheese for the party because he wasn't feeling up to it. It's great mac n cheese, it's just very labor intensive. I counted that as my cleaning challenge. 

Today I clean the dining room table and do the couch to 5k. I tried to start strength training yesterday and only got 6 minutes into the routine before I felt like my heart was about to explode. So I got a list of exercises from my friend Katt and I'm going to add 3 of them at a time starting next week. 

I took down all of my VIP Kid stuff. I just wasn't getting bookings. I would rather focus on TPT stuff at the moment. I'll do that until they change my profile picture at the very least. In the meantime I'll apply to jobs and work on TPT. I really wish I was healthy enough to work in a classroom right now. There are so many good teacher jobs out there. I just want to teach. I miss kids. I miss teaching. 

Today I am going to stick to my schedule with a little more fervor. I've been slacking on the free time aspects of the schedule and I think I really need that down time. I think today I'm going to stream some crafting or video games. Or maybe I'll work on my Book of Shadows. I don't know. Whatever happens it will not be work or cleaning. 

I'm feeling pretty good about most things. finances is the only area I'm not feeling good about. I NEED DISABILITY TO COME THROUGH!! I need it! I need it! I need it! It will give me time to heal more before getting back to work. I'm still not good enough to work, but I'm trying so hard. I just want to survive. I just want to do the things I love. 

Today Begins Adventures in Writing

Today begins the days were instead of focusing on my lessons, I write a science textbook for Teachers Pay Teachers. So many students are reading at a third grade level and are in the sixth grade. They deserve to have decent science content even though they can't read as well. Students with dyslexia, learning disabilities, and even students who are in the younger grades who are advanced in science need science textbooks.

So I am going to write one.

I'm still doing my lessons and my daily tasks, I'm just also going to write for TPT. I may even eventually publish it on Amazon. Till then I do everything on my usual list plus the writing. 

I talked with Cody yesterday and we are now on he same page with where we need to be. That stress is over. I took time out of my schedule to talk with him and it is the best time I spend in the world. He is my world. 

This morning so far I've only done work at the computer and taken my pills. After I journal I'll clean the litterbox. check mail, feed the fish and clean out their tank and other such things. Today I\m going to start weight training. I found a YouTube video that I can do and I'm going to do it.  I'm also going to set up the last cat fountain and clean off the kitchen table as the cleaning challenge. 

Then for the afternoon I'm going to help Cody make food and apply to jobs. I may write some more while I do that. 

Today is Cody's sister's party. I'm looking forward to seeing his family.

I am having some FND symptoms today, but I can power through them If they get too bad I can always lie down. I need a lot in reserve for the party. 

Back to it!

 I had my day of rest. It was very relaxing. I ended up skipping exercise in favor of getting my Walmart order in the house. I did my studies too, but mostly I laid around and messed around on my phone. 

However, today is back to business as usual. I've done my studies and my morning tasks. Even spending an hour chilling with Rachel outside I'm still on track to get what I need to done.

I'm worried about Cody, though. He's been staying home from work a lot lately. He needs a new job bad, but I don't know how to encourage him to look. 

I'm going to try to get more dishes and laundry done today. I'm almost caught up. I also want to straighten the office and the living room today. Instead of mounting the TV I'll work on the Livingroom where I can. I also rearranged my cleaning challenges a bit to account for the TV. Today I set up the cat fountains and organize the corner bokes in the dining room to prep them to be taken to the crawlspace. Most of it is teacher stuff, but I think i have some food and clothes in there too.

Tomorrow is a surprise party for Cody's sister. I'm looking forward to seeing the family. I really do enjoy Cody's family. They are kind people with good hearts. They are also fun and interesting. 

Pushed too Hard

I pushed way too hard yesterday. I needed to steal the guest room at the hot sauce party. I'm still feeling it. I wanted to have fun with my friends, but I couldn't. I feel bad about leaving early.

So it doesn't look like I'm taking things to the crawl space today. My schedule will be whack. I just want to be normal. I'm still going to try though.

I'm still going to do as many chores as I can. I'm going to do my lessons. I'm going to just do as much as I can.

I'm thankful today the exercise challenges just stretching. I definitely can't work in a classroom yet. I spent 30 minutes playing with a kid. 30 minutes and I'm in a shit place.

I'm so tired of this. It'd be one thing if I was just out of shape. But I'm not, I'm disabled. And that hurts. 

But fall down seven times stand up eight. I will listen to my body today. I will get things done in my own time. I will do my morning tasks. I'll clean the litter box take my pills all of it. But after that, it's up to my body. What I can and can't do is not in my control. Not right now.

Since My workout today is just stretching I won't skip it. I'll try and do some laundry. I'll try and do some dishes. But I'm not going to push myself. I have to listen to my body. I don't want to end up as bad as I was. I want to be able to go to the bathroom on my own. That is my goal throughout all of this. To do as much as I can without reverting to being helpless.

We have the wedding next weekend. I'm really hoping that I can make it through that. I really want to be there for my friends.

The weekend after that is Hobbit day. Going to have a huge menu and watch Lord of the rings. I'm very excited about it. It'll be low stress and lots of fun.

In the meantime I've given up on VIP kid. I just can't seem to get bookings. It's been almost a month. Nothing. I'm not going to open any more slots not until they finish fixing my profile at least.

Feeling Better

 I'm feeling better, but not quite well. Man, FND really takes it out of you. I slept 11 hours yesterday in total, and it really messed up my sleep schedule.

Yesterday I did do some things, simple things. I did dishes and laundry. Mostly, though I just played Duolingo and wondered aimlessly throughout the house. It was a rough, but not a bad day.

Today I've done my lessons. I've taken out the trash. I've done all my morning tasks. In an hour or so I'll be doing couch to 5k then showering. After that I'll be returning some amazon purchases and then going to a craft swap. After the craft swap I'll bebop over to the Hot Sauce party our friend The Italian is hosting. I'm hoping to get some laundry and dishes done in the downtime, but I'm not putting money on it. It's going to be a busy day. I might need to take a second dose of Ritalin. 

I think I figured out how I'm making my wedding dress (In January is when I start that project) I have a pale yellow skirt I bought from Amazon because I couldn't make a skirt that had no seams with the material I had. The problem is it's a pale yellow not a sunny yellow. So I will overlay tapered chiffon over the pale yellow so you only get flashes of that pale color, and mostly toward the bottom. I'll make a bodice with a sweetheart neckline in bright yellow, make some draping sleeves in chiffon, and make a train cape from my back. 

I'm really looking forward to getting married. I'm more excited about being married. I hope I get disability soon. That money is going to help fund my wedding. Not all of it, but some. I need to pay for equipment rentals and food supplies. The decorations are tertiary and not as important. I will have a nice wedding. It wont be high class or expensive, but it will be a nice wedding. 

I'll work on the flowers for the bouquets soon.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

One Step Back. Two Steps Forward.

 Well, I had a pretty bad FND attack last night. Because of it I got 10 hours of sleep and still woke up exhausted. I'm struggling to do my tasks today. A friend suggested I stretch instead of couch to 5k today. I'll do the couch to 5k stuff tomorrow and stretch today.

I've gotten my morning tasks partly done, however, That is I've done drastically less than I usually do. But I still did them so, progress has been made. 

Today I'm going to finish cleaning out the freezer. It's not a challenge, but it's something I can do. I'll try to do dishes and laundry today since I didn't do much of it yesterday. I also might work on Cody's office if I can. I'm playing it fast and loose today. If I can do it, I'll do it. If I can't I'm not sweating it. I had an awful evening and not the greatest day yesterday. I need to listen to my body and just do what I can. 

I was so scared last night. I mean, I've been doing so well lately. I got scared that I'd go back to not making any progress. I feel like I'm almost ready to try substitute teaching. It was a huge blow to that confidence. I'm scared. I don't want to be disabled. It's so hard being disabled. Like I needed a diaper last night. I didn't use one. Cody helped me get to the bathroom in time, but what if Cody wasn't there. I would have peed the bed. 

But today is a new day. My FND symptoms are minimal. Even though I slept in I'm still getting stuff done. One step back. Two steps forward. Listen to your body. You can do this. Nothing is fucked. You're being un-dude. 

No Good Brain Morning

Yesterday was really good! I got most of the stuff I wanted to do done. I'm still working on mounting the TV, but it's a 2 man job and Rachel is having trouble with it. I have to wait for Cody to get better before I can finish. That means I can't do the bookshelves yet (the TV is in the way). So I'm kinda stuck with the cleaning challenges. I think today I will instead work on laundry and dishes, or see if I can get someone to come over and help. 

I also went out to steal the pint night with Rachel. I had a beer and a water but I got two mugs. Rachel got 2 beers so I have 4 mugs. 2 for me. Two for Cody's sister and her husband. (Rachel didn't want her mugs)

This morning I'm having some FND symptoms, and I'm having a hard time getting started. My tummy is a little squeezy too. Still, I've done most of my daily tasks with the exception of feeding the fish. I'll do that after blogging. I'm then going to do Duolingo until exercise time.

I also need to finish cleaning out the fishtank. All I need to do is add water to the tank.

Instead of cleaning challenge I'm going to do dishes and laundry.

I don't feel good

Revving to go!

A friend suggested that yesterday's flop might be due to lack of sleep. So last night I took the initiative and got a full 8 hours of sleep. It seems to have done the trick. Although I'm not sticking to the schedule as religiously, I am doing things that need to get done.

So far today I have gone shopping for the supplies I need for setting up the bookshelves. Setting up the bookshelves is my cleaning challenge today. I also need to finish mounting the TV. I finally figured out what I was doing wrong. I don't need an additional screw. I was not using the spacers like they would needing to be used. 

I've done Duolingo. I've done Khan academy. I'm going to do some Java. Today's exercise challenge is going to be stretching and the couch to 5K. I was doing too much exercising. It took up too much time, and it was too much stress on my body. I'll start working with weights next week or the week after. I need to listen to my body not the schedule.

I'm still a little tired. I may start going to sleep earlier so that I can get 9 hours of sleep instead of 8 or 6 like I have been. 

So today I mount the TV and set up bookshelves. I exercise. I also need to do dishes and laundry as well as tidy up my office. It's getting a bit messy.

This weekend if Cody is feeling better I'm going to move stuff into the crawlspace. It will free up a lot of room. 

Until then, I have many things to do.

A Bust

Today has been a bust. I tried. I really did. I just couldn't do the things that needed to be done.

I started today in the usual way. I got to studying. There were zero VIP kid bookings. But I just couldn't stay focused.

I ended up getting Rachel some food at McDonald's instead of journaling when I was supposed to.

I tried weight training and I couldn't get through the first exercise. Instead I just stretched and vowed to switch around my workout challenges.

I tried mounting the TV, but there were some screws that didn't work right so I had to go to ace to get some...except those didn't work either. Now I have to return those. I ordered some on Amazon, but those won't be in till Thursday.

I took a nap to reset, but I had teaching nightmares which underscored the fact I don't have a job, and even if I did I couldn't do it.

Today has just been bad.

Lazy and Unmotivated

 Yesterday was a clusterfuck. I decided to get intoxicated halfway through the day and because of it I didn't do any of my evening tasks. I also ate a cake I made in the microwave that included half a stick of butter. Lesson learned, do not get intoxicated if you wanna get stuff done. 

Today begins the intensity of the challenges increasing. Today I add pushups and sit-ups to my Monday, Wednesday, Friday plan. I also am tidying up the Livingroom and perhaps more. Although I wasn't really feeling learning Java today I did read a little of my book. 

Today I'm feeling lazy and therefore a bit discouraged. I'm not excited to do anything, but I'm going to do it anyway...and this time without getting intoxicated. 

Accomplishment

Yesterday I did every task that there was on my list complete with taking out the trash (one of the most difficult chores for me) I even put clean sheets on the bed (another difficult task due to the tie downs for the sheets)

I am so proud of myself right now. I'm really improving! 

Today I clean the coffee stand and organize the pantry in the kitchen. I also need to stretch.

Next week bumps up the challenge intensity by a long shot! The cleaning challenge remains the same intensity, but instead of having a schedule, I'm going to try a tear off list. Monday I tidy the living room and if I have time I'll do more. The exercise challenge gets way more intense on Monday. I move from daily stretch and Monday, Wednesday, Friday couch to adding interval trainer for pushups and situps Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I also will be adding strength training the days I'm not doing cardio, pushups and situps. However, the couch to 5k is still pretty difficult for me so I'm going back and redoing week 1.

I'm hoping today is productive. I want to clean the bedroom a bit since Cody is feeling better. The dirty laundry in there is intense. I also have a basket or two of laundry to put away. 

So I'm dog sitting, right? I came over at 6:00am and I'm now watching the sun rise. I really like getting up early and watching the sun rise. There's something almost primal about it. It's like...the earth is turning to face a hot ball of plasma or something. Ha.

Anyway. I'm going to do some Khan academy while I chill with the dogs for another 30 minutes. Then it's heading home where I do more of my lessons, exercise, shower, clean, and perhaps rest before cleaning some more.

I think I'm gonna work on wedding flower stuff today. I definitely want to crochet some. I'm making so much progress on the project!

Feeling Positive

 Yesterday was a great day off. I still did everything I wanted to do plus some. I did my studies minus Java. I cleaned the kitchen counters. I exercised. I went to hang out with Cody's mom. I also Dog sat. 

Today I have dog sat in the morning and done my studies. I will stretch and sweep and mop the kitchen. I really want to clean the bedroom, but Cody is still infirm so I'll let him rest. I'll focus on the living room and kitchen. 

Dog sitting has been lucrative. The dogs I dog sit for were denied boarding because of a cough. So I'm going out 3 times a day to let them out and feed them at night. I also have to take care of her cats and chickens. It's fun. I also made 160 for 3 days of work. I spent some of it already. I got some cigarettes and food last night and I got Cody a bunch of pain pills for his poor knee. I'll be using the rest of the money for groceries I think. I'm really trying to cut back on spending. 

I'm going to see about going to the dump today to get rid of the old vacuum and a bunch of boxes. 

I'm feeling very organized and inspired to do as much as I can.

Now if only I could get a job...

But I'm feeling very good about myself. I'm really working hard to improve my life and I'm succeeding. Success is thrilling. Soon I will have a great schedule and get a job and then I will work slowly back into being a contributing member of society again. Won't that be nice...

But, I've almost done a full week of challenges. I've cleaned the litterbox daily for 3 weeks. I've been brushing my teeth twice a day and washing my face. I'm so excited that I'm getting my life back on track. I hope that I can maintain for at least 3 months. 3 months, that's the goal. From there I can maintain my habits, I think. If not maintain them, then be able to adapt them when I get sick (as I inevitably will) I think after 3 months I'll try my hand at subbing. I should be able to have a full day at that point. I've been needing an FND nap in the middle of the day currently, so no subbing for me yet.

A Day Off

  Today is my day off from VIPKid and learning. I slept in and it was GLORIOUS! I'm still getting some stuff done, though.

This morning I made a spell jar for Cody. He hasn't been doing well lately and I want him to feel good/better. 

I'm going to still do my exercise and cleaning challenges. Today I clean the cabinets and counters in the kitchen. It's a big task as Cody hasn't ben feeling well enough to clean the kitchen. I'm also doing the couch to 5k and stretching today. 

At noon I have some cat/chicken sitting to do. It will be fun. I am also going to hang out with Cody's mom today: pool time and cookie making. I'm excited about that. 

Overall I expect my day to go in a relaxing way. I'm not focusing on any big tasks. Just the cleaning challenges and my pertinent daily tasks (Kitty litter, feeding creatures, etc.)

Yesterday I got TONS done. I even mopped up some rotten potato juice from the kitchen floor, did some dishes, and cleaned half the living room. The only thing I didn't do was laundry and that's cuz Cody is resting and I don't want to disturb him as much as possible. 

Cody probably didn't call his Grandma to get the money for our mortgage. So that's going to be a fun thing to deal with later.  Money is tight. I hate it.