Between being alive and living

There is a difference between being alive and living. As a person who has been through rape, abuse, neglect, I've been isolated and alone, and finally bound to a bed I know a lot about living to survive. Loving is something you do when there's no other option.

I lived every day of my life because that was what had to be done. 

I was alive once. I left my husband and started a new amazing life. I was poor, lived in a squatter. I worked till I would hate myself. But I was living. I was happy and alive. I'd honestly never been happier than when I lived off the sweat of my brow and a great deal of cunning. That's when Joe came into my life. It was a bright point in a bad life. I don't have many good years. New Mexico during 5th to 6th grade, my last year of high school, and when I left my husband.

They aren't many bright points like that. But leaving my husband I took off the mantle and I gained freedom 

I died once. Not literally, but sometime when I was alone durring the worst of my sickness, I gave up my life to live. I quit and let the disease take my body. I said goodbye to the person I was and the life I knew. I let the person I was die so I could figure out how to be the person with the disability. It's hard to explain, but I gave in.

I wanted to die. I even tried. I had the pills in my hand. I almost popped them. I guess it doesn't count if you think about it because I didn't swallow. But at the time there was nothing but me and those pills and the end of my pain. But some part of me, a small part of me got control and got help. I still think I overreacted a bit, but I knew if I didn't get help there was nothing keeping me from ending it. 

That's all behind me now. I am not the wife, the person with the pills. I am not the victim or the trapped daughter. I am something different and new. I am a woman trying to find happiness with a disability.

Now I want to be alive again, but what is the difference between being alive and living?

I have always felt the most alive when I'm happy. I feel balanced and in touch with the world. I felt the best when I could leave my house and see people that make me feel like I meant something to them, like I was irreplaceable. I felt alive when I had control to go where I wanted and do what pleases me. I felt alive taking risks and making choices I might regret.

I need to start doing that again. So starting when I'm paid, I'm going to start walking places. There's a park nearby that I haven't fully explored, and I love reading books in nature. I'm going to take the bus on my own and go to a bar on my own. I'm going to do what makes me feel alive.

Yes, that means getting a job too. I'll print out some resumes and go around downtown looking for jobs that I can do: back office work, maybe a night stocker or something. I hear that Librarians need help stocking books, and I do love me some Books.

And when I can develop, I'll drive to my friends house on a whim because I'm lonely. I'll drive into the mountains because I want to be alone. Hell I'll go camping on my own! I'll go fishing and think deep thoughts.

I think that's the difference between living and being alive: control.