Lazy

So I'm bundled up in bed in my dinosaur kigarumi. I should be doing dishes or laundry. I should be writing my novel. I should go for a walk or garden. Instead I'm just lying here like I do every day after work, tired and uninspired.

I'd hate myself, but honestly even that requires too much energy. I should meditate or something while I lay here, but I just can't find it in me.

I miss the old me. The me before FND ruined my life. I was on my way to greatness.

So I'm folding 1000 paper cranes. Legend has it that if you fold 1000 of them you either get health and longevity or a wish. If I get health I can make my own wish happen. If I get a wish I'll skip the middle man and wish for "a lifetime of adventures with the one I love." Hopefully it's not a genie type wish in which I have to get super specific. I just want to love someone, have them love me and us go on adventures together.

I think I found him, but I'm not sure. I'm committed to him, and I know we'd go on adventures...but I'm not sure if he wants a lifetime with me.

I'm working on a workout refining for the summer. My job, as it will, will be to get back in shape, and maybe complete my novel. Here's my schedule for weekdays:

9:00 am - wake up, breakfast, and brush teeth
10:00am - stretch then walk for 30 minutes slowly building up to running
11:00am - squats, sit ups, and push ups. Alternated with jump rope/ hula hoop
12:00pm - shower, lunch, then nap
1:00pm - clean, 3 items a day (some days writing comes first)
2:00pm - write
5:00pm - shop/ make dinner
7:00pm - eat dinner
8:00pm - free block
11:00pm - bedtime

I talked with joe to refine this schedule so I can build habits not just do a schedule.

I read some blogs and they are works of art. They are beautifully written pseudo poems. Mine has a clumsy, matter-of-fact feel to it. Sometimes I wonder if it's an enjoyable style to read. Especially posts like this that lack a cohesive theme.

This is my third post today. I wanted to write one more, but I spent my time setting up a Habitica account. It's a gamified to do list where you earn gold and experience from habits, daily to dos and a generalized to do list. I'm interested to see how it works on me. I need to be healthier and cleaner.

Daily chores:
Weeding garden
Crafting
Walk 30 minutes
Clean litterbox
1300 calories
Meditate
Write
Exercise (10 min jump rope or squats, calf raises, sit-ups, and pushups.)
Duolingo
Laundry
Dishes

My Biggest Failure

I shouldn't bore you with the details...again...but my biggest failure was my marriage.

You know I was just reading a note I wrote on Facebook about me proposing to Mark. It was so happy. I was happy. I mean it wasn't all bad. He is a good man. I can't underscore that enough. I was charmed by him. I liked his giving spirit and even his opinionatedness. I have a hard time remembering why I loved him sometimes, but the truth of the matter is I did, and in a way still do.

I hope he's well. There is nothing that would please me more (save my own happiness) than seeing him in love again with a woman stronger than I was. I want him in a good career, eating healthy and truly happy. I want him to open up to someone. I want them to be everything for each other. I want them to have what I couldn't have with Mark. I want him to be the man I know he can be. I want his anger to disappear and only happiness to replace it.

I want my anger at him to disappear. I want my guilt over it to disappear.

I am so angry with him that he wouldn't let me be his best friend. I wanted that so badly. I wanted a lifetime of adventures with him. I wanted to share my life with him, I wanted him to be my everything. But he put up walls that I couldn't scale. He locked his doors and didn't let me in. I'm so angry about that. I'm angry that he didn't want me. I may have been the one who asked for the divorce, but our marriage was over long before I asked for it.

I hate myself for hurting him. That is my greatest failure.

Thought exercise

1) I'm going to pretend I have $1000 to spend on myself and not on debt or charity. I usually put 1/3 each into debt and charity, but I'm going to be selfish. I'm going on an amazon shopping spree.
Kindle paper white $99
Philips Norelco Electric Shaver $190
Cat sweater $12
Multi USB port charger $20
Gaia lawn ornament $50
Philips Sonicare Electric toothbrush $175
Viking runes metal stamps $194
Laundry sorter $26
Cat litter trap mat $35
Camping chair with cooler and table $75
Fitbit $120
Total $996

2) If i could have any super power it would be the ability to make clones of myself with a collective conscience. I mean think about it. Think about all the things I could get done if I was more than one person. I could go to work, do dishes, exercise , watch tv, and write my novel all at the same time. I could go camping with my friends, LARP, and visit my parent at the same time. There would be no choosing what I should do. I could do everything. Hell, I could work and go to school, or even work more than one job without having to worry about scheduling. I've wanted this super power since college.

Alternatively, I wouldn't mind having the ability to control my body's internal chemistry. I could take care of my depression, FND, and Tourette's with ease just by adjusting my brain chemistry. I could also up my metabolism and make it easier to exercise and lose weight. I could numb pain with endorphins, I could have recreational trips with safe DMT. I could regulate my periods and never have to pay for birth control again. It's not a super hero power. I couldn't save the world with it, but I could save myself.

3) A super power I already have is the ability to teach a class of kids at various learning levels and behaviors. This is a good superpower as I am a sub teacher and I want to have my own classroom. Dealing with kids in general is pretty taxing and challenging. Not everyone can do it with patience and passion, but I can. It's actually pretty cool. I feel like I leave myself at the door and become a new person who's only drive is to teach. It's automatic. I don't swear, I don't make crude jokes, and I certainly don't have any desire to play on my phone. I'm introverted and quiet. It's like as soon as I enter the school I become this incredible teaching machine. Oh yeah, I'm not perfect. I make mistakes, but it's always in context of teaching. There is no bleed over from my personal life into my work. I support and facilitate learning. And I think that's really cool.

4) my favorite season has always been autumn. I love the smells of pumpkins, candles, and falling leaves. I love the flame like colors of the leaves. I love outdoor fires, hearing the crackle of wood as the warmth of the fire cuts the chill from the air. I love sweatshirts and sharing blankets. I adore Halloween: the dressing up, the community, and the candy. I love the fruits and vegetables that come in season during fall. Most of all I love the stars.

During fall the air is cool enough to offer a clean and clear view of the stars. The air is cooler and dryer providing an unobstructed view. Yes the air is just as cool and dry during winter, but unlike winter you aren't fighting off bitter cold that friezes your eyeballs in their sockets. Plus the hours of night are starting to get longer. There's more and more night to see the stars.

Autumn is def my favorite time of tear.

5) one of my favorite songs of all times is "Weapon" by Mathew Good Band. The slow build up combined with lyrics that beg an imaginative introspection into the people that bring out the violence in you. It's mellow tones seem to counterpoint the strong message of potential violence. Also, Mathew Goods voice is unique like a Japanese lute compared to the average singers guitar.

6) Mostly I look up to my friends. Most people look up to politicians or celebrities. I prefer to look up to my friends. They aren't perfect, and they aren't trying to be. They are simply trying to be the best versions of themselves. Each friend has something I look up to. They are kind and thoughtful. They are wild, free and irrationally intelligent. They are poets, crafters, and builders of hearth and home. They drink and party, but do the work that needs to be done. They are funny too. In the laugh until your sides ache sense of the word. I strive to be all those things. I love my friends

7) I used to be most afraid of ticks. To be quite frank I still am. The way they burrow their whole head inside you to gorge on your essential life essence caring disease that debilitates you... simply put its revolting and its horrible. I'm terrified of them.

But that's not my biggest fear. Bigger than ticks is the fear that I'll never be the person I want to be. I want to be a good person who constantly tries to better herself. I want to be a good house-wife, teacher, crafter, and friend. Lately though I just lack inspiration and energy to be those things. Even powered over with coffee its all I can do to get a few chores done. I can't keep up with my students. I'm just so drained all the goddamn time. After a good night sleep I still need naps. I don't draw or write. I feel aweful about myself. I don't know if it's laziness or something wrong with my brain chemistry but either way I'm afraid this period in my life will last forever. I mean I even have trouble writing in my blog these days.

8) I am quite happy in my small town. Everyone is friendly, there is nature everywhere, and I see mountains every day. I wouldn't mind living in a new house though. My house currently is old and worn. It needs new windows, insulation, a new paint job, a new roof, power washing, a dishwasher, a pantry, and about a thousand other updates...electrical...plumbing...I mean, all and all it's a good house, I just want something a little more up to date.

I'd like a house with a more open floor plan. I'd like water to be clean when it's turned on. I'd like to not be worried about house fires because of the out of date electricity. I'd like somewhere with similar square footage, maybe a bit bigger. I want the walls to be painted in happy or neutral colors. I'd prefer carpet to hardwood. I want a well laid out bathroom and a larger kitchen. Most of all, I want land.

I want room enough where neighbors are far away. I want land to have parties. I want to host a LARP. I want a garden and a workshop on site. I want trees and statues and a huge oak tree with a bench swing under it as a pretty escape to read. I want chickens. I want a creek. I want land so that if society does collapse I can farm and support my family. I may even have horses one day. (I'm set to inherent my mom and dads horses when they pass. I'd want to keep them on site.) Hell, I even want goats and cows


9) I just finished reading "The Ducks in the Bathroom are Not Mine" by David Thorne. Honestly, I love all of the books David comes out with. This one in particular is a compilation of his best stories. His stories are humor pieces that appeal to the darker tinges of my nature. For instance, my favorite story involves an email back and forth between a neighbor and the author. You know those garage lights that are motion activated? Well, David's neighbor installed a very bright one that shined into his bedroom at night. The back and forth featured David's unique brand of self deprecating humor in a way that disparaged the neighbor. It was hilarious. If you've never read David Thorne's work I highly recommend it!

I just started "Levathan Wakes" by James A. Corey. It's slow moving so far, but I'm only 25 pages into the 550 page novel. It's supposed to be really good. I got it for my birthday from a friend. The book is set in a realistic nearish future in space where we've colonized the solar system, but barely. I mean, it's not poorly written or anything. It's just a slow build up. Actually it feels a lot like "War and Peace" in that there are a lot of characters to keep track of and it's really slow going. I'll probably read more tonight.

10) If I were a character in a book I would be the worst protagonist ever. I think I'd be better suited to be the protagonist's best friend. I mean I think about how my knees look as I sit on the toilet, and how many onion rings I could fit into my mouth when I'm cooking dinner. No one wants to read that shit. I am however a stalwart companion that is always willing to help a friend in need. I don't know. I just don't feel like I'm main character material.

My life isn't particularly funny, exciting, or engaging either. Mostly its just naps. Although my dreams are pretty entertaining I guess if I were in a book the book would be just about my weird dreams. It would be read by my mother and begrudgingly by my friends. My dreams do have plot setting and character development so I suppose it wouldn't be too bad. Just weird.


11) If you were a character in a book I would name you George and have you be a flying hippo. Because seriously, what kind of question is this?

12) If I could have lunch with anyone in the world I'd choose my brother Robert. I never see him and his life is super interesting. Plus I love the raging asshole. He's just always so busy. But we'd drink fruity cocktails and complain about life together.

Although lunch is all it could be. If we spend too long together we fight.

13) Favorite Joke:

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho Cheese!

HOHOHOHOHOHO!!

My proudest accomplishment

I've been waiting on this one for a while now. Waiting and hoping that I could come up with something that I can write about and enthrall my audience, but the truth of the matter is I have done nothing in my life that I'm proud of. That isn't to say that I haven't done things. I mean I've graduated high school and college. I know I should be proud of that. A lot of people haven't . I'm just not proud of those. I did nothing to benefit anyone, including myself. Yes I worked, though not as hard as I could. But ultimately it did nothing to benefit anyone.

I very much feel that my proudest accomplishment is yet to come. When I graduate with my masters and get my own classroom. That will be my proudest accomplishment. At that point I'll be changing lives. I'll be doing something I can be proud of. Some people might think that it's another day at work, but there are kids where school is the only place that encourages them to improve themselves. I want to be the teacher that build students up to be better than they think they can be. I want to make a difference in someone's life. That is my proudest accomplishment, something that hasn't happened yet, but will

Cruise prep and other stuff

I am so excited for my cruise! At a week out I had already packed all but my medicine and phone charger. We have our shore excursions planned. We're going to go to the dining room's "Chocoholic night."

My boyfriend's parents got me a belated birthday present: cash to use on the cruise!! So with their contribution I'll have $250 in cash!! That's enough for souvenirs for family and friends! And the ubers, which I was not looking forward to paying. and maybe a dinner in Miami. I'm so relieved!

I didn't get any work calls that I liked so I spent yesterday working on my Book of Shadows and making a shelf for my nightstand. It was going to be for my alter, but it doesn't fit. Today I have a half day working with my beloved Special Education classes.

I planted my flowers indoors shortly after Ostara (Pagan Equinox Celebration) on the 20th and they are already coming in! I'll plant them outdoors when I get home from my cruise. In the meantime I lined the flower bed and aerated the soil. My goal is to have a beautiful flower bed. I'll also be planting pumpkins this year from hanging baskets, and some herbs to keep inside.

I think this year I'm going to clean off the back patio and make it feel more like a magical place to eat dinners. That means looking for patio furniture so we can eat outside. I have this friend who has all sorts of amazing meals and she and her husband eat outside or drink together casually. I'd like that for Joe and I.

UGH! I'm so excited about my cruise! I'm just imagining all the sun, drinks, and food I can handle! Adventures with one of my best friends. I'm not a huge fan of beaches, but We're going to be in the water most of the time snorkling. Plus I need to pee in the ocean for my bucket list.

I'm still afraid of loosing my passport, or having things stolen, but the excitement is overcoming the anxiety.

If I wasn't afraid I would...

If I wasn't afraid I'd go see a movie, I'd fire a gun, and I'd...well that's about it. And the only reason I'm afraid of those is because of my medical problems. I wouldn't fire a gun in case I twitch and hurt someone. Guns are not a toy or a joke. I take them very seriously. And movies I'm afraid of because I could have a seizure which puts my license on the line. Though honestly I'm working up to seeing a movie in theaters. I feel like it's only a few months off.

Other than when my or someone else's safety is on the line I tend to ignore my fear and do what needs to be done.

Catch up

I haven't posted much of substance in a while. It's mostly been because I've been feeling drained and not very motivated to do much. Some updates:

I won runner up in a cosplay contest with Joe for our post apocalyptic costumes. I'm a sheriff and hes a scavenger. We worked really hard on our costumes, but the guy who won first place did a full suit of Halo armor in EVA foam. He totally deserved the win.

I planted my flowers for this year. It's going to be nothing phenomenal, but I'm doing it. I have some moon flower, cypress vines, Rue, yarrow, texas blue bonnets, and a bunch more. I'm out of my spider flowers, which I really like. However, I'm determined not to buy any planting supplies this year after last year's over spending. 

So I'm going on a cruise in a few weeks and I'm very excited. The only problem lies in the fact that I have no money. Well I have enough to pay gratuities, and $100 in spending money. So I'm quite anxious. I'm also not talking about it on facebook because, honestly, I shouldn't be going. I don't have that kind of money. I don't know what I'm doing pretending. I'm not even working 3 days a week yet. I'm still on disability. I simply shouldn't be going. And I suppose that's the crux of my anxiety about the trip.

Still. Mom and dad bought my way onto the cruise and that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to cruise my little butt off.

So far the schedule is:
Visit my parent's on April 1st
Fly out on the 2nd

Leave port on the 3rd

Grand Bahama Island on the 4th where well do a catamaran and snorkle adventure

Nassau on the 5th which is a beach day and we'll probably do our 5k

Their private island on the 6th and we'll snorkle an underwater sculpture garden
Back in Miami on the 7th

Back home on the 8th. 

A friend told me she missed my writing so I picked up writing my novel again. It's taking a lot more effort than before, but I'm writing it. Who knows. I may even get the rough draft done this year.