Diagnosis?

I'm We still have some more tests to run, but the doctors in NOVA say that it's a hormone imbalance related to my anxiety and depression. 

It makes since. But we're still waiting on some blood work and my antidepressants to kick in. Even then I think I'm going to need anxiety meds too. Nightmares all over the place. I'm also told I need a psychiatrist and a therapist.

How badass am I? I need a bunch of meds and a team of doctors to keep me from dancing. Ha!

They're running more lupus tests too. So that's still on the table.

And all I can think is, how am I going to pay for all this? It would be more fiscally responsible to wipe myself from the gene pool for my weakness.

I think I have some really big demons to fight. My body is the first beast to overcome. My feelings would be the second. The huge amount of debt slowly accruing will be the he third. And the last is how to adapt my dreams to fit my new self after all these battles.

I have a strong support system. That's the one good thing about all this. I'm going to go to bed again and try dancing with ith my demons.

"What do we say to the God of death?"

"Not today!"

Diagnostic Hell

It's been months since I've first walked into a doctors office with tears in my eyes asking them to tell me I'm not crazy. Now, at 2:20, 3 or 4 hours after I went to sleep. I'm waking myself up flailing. The meds that work are addictive. And they told me to ween myself off them. I try. But they are the only reason I got and sleep at all.

Dad is back from visiting granny. Let me tell you. There is no one more badass than her. She's been diagnosed with a super rare cancer, but is still working it hard! God that woman is a badass.

Cat is purring on my lap teing me it's true to take advantage of the lulls in my dancing to sleep,

I just want to know what's wrong with me.

New Place. New Adventure.

 

My boy and I moved me to my parent house. They have the best doctors around. Joe helped me set up my room. Willow isn't peeing in her box. I need a wireless receiver to play games with him. He's gone. I'm alone.

I took him to my secret spot. It was hard getting there in my Walker. But we made a fairy house and swing. I

Stuffed Animal Army

Had a very bad seizure that woke me from a dead sleep. Joe, my boy, woke up in time to catch the second one on video.

I'm moving in with my parents till we get this settled. But who will keep video record of these things while I'm away? Who will hold me through the aftershocks? 

Looks like I'm going to have to set up a light and video camera system to capture these tremors and depend on my stuffed animal army for after spaz care. 

Since now I can't sleep I'm going to pack those stuffed animals.

I'm talking to people about helping me make an off roading walker for walking trails. Any ideas are appreciated. 

Losing control

Because of my problems  being forced to drop out of school for the semester, and move back in with my parents. That means I have to leave my friends and this amazing life I've built here. I have to give up all of my adult control to live under my parents roof and have them go back to treating me like s baby. I'm not. I'm nearly 30. Mom and dad expect me to be cool with this 

I'm not. Control is badass. Being pushed around like a baby is not. So I rebelled last night. I had my girl friends over and we diedy hair!

I also got a walker. My coming days will be spent tricking it out too!

Adventures in hospital

I went to the hospital and spent the night. Things are looking really bleak. They don't know what's wrong with me. But I can bearly walk anymore. I'm flailing like an electrocuted fish. I'm sure if it weren't so painful it would be entertaining. 

But that means I'm getting a walker. Mom is giving it to me so although things are bleak, I'm looking forward to pimping out my walker. I was looking online and apparently all the walker toys are for the old at heart. Sorry folks, I have the body of a 28 year old and the mind of a12 year old. My walker is gonna be fucking BEAST! 

I'll need a seat. Cup holder, cell holder, storage container, and a bike bell. I'm goingyosandit down, Do a base coat, andhave my friends overto help me decorate it. Im going to use nail polish and modeling paint. I'll give instructions for my friends who are faraway to contribute to the decor. I'm looking up other things tat would be cool. Perhaps a sun/rain cover that collapses ...any ideas ? 

Anyway, my boy just got his wisdom teeth removed. Granny has been in and out of the hospital for some problems. My kid brother hurt his back... Things Are pretty strained at our house. Prayers are welcomed. I'm providing pictures in the meantime.

Angry is Badass, Right?

I am so done with this sick. It's been more than a few weeks and it's getting in the way of my life in a substantial way. I am so angry about it tright now. I just want to know what I have so I can 1) go about fixing it, or 2) start making arrangements. This weekend I spent a lot of time out and about. Only a few hours here and there, but still a lot. I spent so much time being distracted by my twitching and hurts I couldn't focus enough on having fun. I mean, sure, I did have fun...the most fun I've had in a long time, but I was still sufficiently distracted.

Homework is like pulling teeth. I have no reading comprehension, and my writing skills have retired and moved to Cuba to start a brothel and didn't invite me. I have to resort to reading aloud to retain anything right now. I'm a novel-a-day kind of girl. This is infuriating. I want to rip pages out of my books then burn them. Because it's hard to read, it is also hard to edit my papers. I know the grammar and spelling mistakes are there, I just can't identify them! Typing is hard too! What it doesn't hurt, the spasms make me hit the wrong keys and I feel like flinging the keyboard across the room.

I am angry and frustrated more than depressed and scared right now. I just want answers so that I can move out of limbo and back into the real world.

Today I have to read 20 or so pages, write 2 pages about what I read, write a lesson plan, and post a picture journal entry.

Seriously though: humor is going to get me through this.

If I have mad-cow I want to start a mooing choir in downtown.
If I have Huntington's, I'm going to walk around with "musical music" and incorporate my spasms into a dance to the music.
If I have MS...well I don't have anything entertaining for MS, but you get the idea.

I'm sick of this. Hopefully I'll get an appointment soon.



(If there are any ideas for humorous responces to nurological disorders, please leave them in the comments)

Staring Down Pride

I went on a date today. I was having a good health day! My spasms had been low key, only a small headache, and after my nap I was solid on energy.

My boy took us to dinner. Greek food is the best! Then we went to Barnes and Nobles to read comics and drink barista drinks. I had a hot cocoa. It was probably a bad idea because my left side is non functional from the spasms, and my joints may be killing me.

I faced my daemons though. I took on my pride and told it to fuck off. I had my spasms in public and pretended like I didn't feel stupid as fuck. 

Had a hard time reading the comics too. ADD without adderal compounded by whatever issue I've been having dragged me back. I can normally eat a trade comic in an hour. I was only half finished by the time we left.

But, I have to say, I'm really liking the New 52 revamp of DC comics. The Teen Titans are especially entertaining for me. Also, I may have a new favorite character: Danny the Street. He's a sentient street that is a transvestite and wonders the world bringing happiness to those who need it. How badass is that!? 

Tomorrow I go to a beer festival. Another public outing. Wish me luck.

Life Inventions and Embarasment

My life has become a steady stream of adaptations. I wake up, and make myself some herbal tea. I used to drink coffee, but a few weeks ago my doctor said no more stimulants. My tea collection is now more impressive than it's ever been. 

And yes, that is a Wonder Woman mug. It's my favorite!

I then take my morning vitamins because aside from alieve I have no pain killers or anything for my symptoms. So, I've improvised! I take 7 vitamins and alieve. It cuts the pain for a bit.

If I got enough sleep, I might feel enough energy to do some chores, but it normally doesn't last more than an hour. No matter what, though I have to feed the cats.

I then lay down on the couch and watch tv. I might take a nap later. Hopefully at that point I'll have the energy to make myself lunch, take more vitamins  and do homework.

More laying around happens. And eventually I heat up some dinner and take more vitamins. When I'm ready for bed I'll take a melitonin and pray for a good night sleep.

I'm hoping that I'll get an apointment with the nurologist soon. 

My dear friends came over yesterday. I was having spasms. It was aweful! I don't want people to see me like this. It's one thing to hear it's happening. It's another to see it. It's the same reason I loathe going to class.

How do I turn this into a badass learning experiance?

I also find it amusing that until this point in my life, the running theme of my life had been man v man, or man v society. The current running theme is man against himself. So the conflict in my story is I have to fight my body to have a good life. Maybe that's the way to overcome this... Maybe I have to look at myself as though I'm writing a book about me. 

I hope this isn't a forever problem. 

Owning The Pain

So the pain and spasm/tremors/seizures are right pissing me off. Today I down loaded two apps to help me collect data for the doctor. I got a seizure recorder and a pain recorder. We'll see how it works. Trying to stay proactive. I am so tired.

I skipped reading homework today. I can't focus and I'm tired beyond all reason. I have to go to class to tonight though. My teacher is anal. I only get one absence. If I need hospitalization at any point I need to save it. That means explaining it to the teacher. Ugh. In my mind, the fewer people who know about this, the better.

Good news though. I have a cat in my lap, and a cat on my chest! So warm and snugly.

It's Never Lupus

Good News!

I went to the doctor today, and I got the word! I'm free and clear on the Lupus front!

Unfortunatly my muscle spasms/ tremors/ seizures are getting worse, and the pain is hard to take on the best of days. They are referring me to a neurologist where I will undergo all sorts of tests to figure out why this is happening. That's honestly not what bothers me. I can deal with tests. I can even deal with the results. Seriously, though...this is really effecting my life. I can't work. I'm having a hard time in school. Driving places is scary so I'm stuck at home. All this and I have to wait a week to even talk to a doctor to schedule an appointment. I just want them to put me in a room, run a whole bunch of tests, figure out whats wrong, and treat it.

The doctor said to use Alieve for the pain. I have to say, it did a lot better job than all my other pain killers! Unfortunately it only dulled the pain making it tolerable and not teeth grinding, and didn't last 12 hours. It lasted 6-7. All well...Best pain killer so far.

So I've decided if I can't get the doctors to help in a timely manor...I'll do my best at self medication

Symptoms                                                                     Treatment
Joint/muscle pain                                                           Alieve every 8 hours.
Chronic Fatigue                                                             Vitamin cocktail (Ginko, Ginsing, and Vit D)
Nausea                                                                           Ginger gum/tea
Migraines                                                BC powder Backache (basically Excedrin minus the caffeine)
Lack of sleep                                                                   Sleeping pills
Lack of concentration/focus                                           Vitamin cocktail


That's all I've got. But seriously, I'm sick of being passive. I have to do something or it'll kill me. I need to work. I need to be able to do school. My house is a sty and I need to clean! I can't let this shit keep me down. I need to keep going in a direction, any direction, or I'll stagnate. I'll become a blob not worthy of life!

Pro-activeness is a sign of badassitude. Lets get going, then!

Because Colors

After a particularly bad emotional state, I decided my world needed more colors. This is what I made!

Facing Illness: An Exercise in Fear

I've been sick recently. I'm not dieing, I don't think, but it's painful and awful none-the-less. My mother has a chronic disease called Lupus. After more than a few months of dealing with Lupus like symptoms, I went in for a blood test. I find out in a few weeks if I have it.

Honestly, I'm scared. I would rather it be cancer than Lupus. With cancer you either die painfully or live painfully for a couple years before getting better. Lupus isn't like that. You live the entire span of your life taking pills in the double digits, and still you deal with constant pain, fatigue, and ass tons of other scary symptoms. And then there are the side effects the pills give. I've seen my mother fight against loosing herself to the disease. It's a constant struggle for her.

I didn't sleep well last night. My legs ached so badly, and I couldn't find a position to make the pain abate the slightest. This is a common thing for me now-a-days. It's been months since I had a full restful night sleep.

Today, I'm finding it painful to type. My hand hurts with every stroke of the keys, and my shoulder is constantly in pain. My knee has a sharp achy pain.

I know that around 2 I'm going to hit my limit of what I can do today. I'm going to become so exhausted my body just wont work.

I'm very scared because I might have lupus. I don't know for certain, yet, but the possibility is there.

There aren't many who know what's going on. I can count on one hand. I'm afraid I'll lose friendships. I'm afraid I'll lose my boyfriend. I'm afraid I'll lose my job before I even get it.

I have a friend. She is very "Mind over matter." I'm afraid she'll not understand and tell me to toughen up when I'm doing the best I can. The thing is...she's my best friend. I don't think I could live with her constantly telling me to suck it up.

My boyfriend is so understanding. I love him, and he loves me, but how much of this can he really put up with? Could he really take the changes that this would bring to our relationship?

If I have Lupus, I don't think I'll be able to teach. This hurts REALLY bad. I've been working so hard, but people don't care about effort. They want results. Teaching is hard enough for a healthy person. The first few years are especially hard. With Lupus, I'd have less energy, and more pain than a healthy teacher by a LONG shot. In short, I would not survive my first year teaching. I'd probably have to give up that dream.

Then there would be the constant doctors appointments...the strain on financial resources...

Honestly, there's no point in living at that point. I'd constantly be in pain. I'd constantly be exhausted. I'd have lost friends and lovers. Most of all I'd have lost my future. I don't thing I could bear that kind of heart ache.

The diagnosis isn't in. It could be Lyme disease. It could be a vitamin deficiency. It could be anything...but my worst fear is that it's lupus. I would rather have cancer than lupus.

I keep trying to figure out a way that I could flip this into something good and positive. The only thing I can really do is wait, and be strong. Even if I'm afraid I need to soldier on because life isn't gonna hand me a free pass because I got sick. Come what may, I'll carry on because that's all there is.

Time to Saddle Up

“In my acting, I have to indentify with something in the character. The big tough boy on the side of right – that’s me. Simple themes. Same me from the nuances. All I do is sell sincerity and I’ve been selling the hell out of that ever since I started.”  — Time Magazine, June 1967

“Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway.”

John Wayne is heavy in my thoughts at the moment. It's late, and I can't sleep. Needless to say he was a "man's man." but he (and his characters) had some profound things to say on the subject of strength and bravery. They are words I desperately need to hear.

My friend is in a prolonged legal battle with her abusive husband. She is scared of him, and she has every right to be. He made a habit of building her up and breaking her down. He hurt her physically, and scared her soul for life.

I've been there. I've been raped and abused. I know the confusion and terror. I know the self doubt and blame. For 12 years those ghosts have haunted me just as they will haunt her. It's just part of being a survivor...dealing with the past.

I'm terrified of her husband. He doesn't work on any logical principals that I can define. He lets anger rule his actions. Because he is stubborn he wont let that anger go. He is capable of anything, I believe this includes murder. He has dealt death before. He's capable of killing.

I'm going to preface this by saying I have a deep and fervent respect for our soldiers. They take wounds of mind and body for our country. I love our soldiers. I wanted to be one. I tried to enlist in the Air Force a few years back (that's another story for another day).  I havemany friends who've come back scarred. I've held friends who've come back heavier for their burdens. I've seen them crawl into a bathrooms to cry. I've heard their stories. It's awful. I love them for their sacrifice, and despite it. These men and women are human beings forever changed by war.

The man who my friend is fighting is a former Soldier. He has killed. I hold no delusions about that. I also harbor no disillusion that he could kill me quite easily. Despite an "Order of Protection" forbidding him from having firearms except while on duty, he still owns them. He still uses them in competitions. What's more he knows how to use them. He's used them before. Even with firearms out of the picture, I'm not the most fit person on the best of days. He is not only fit, but he is trained. He is a trained killer with no self control. I am terrified of him. It's not the killer part, either. It's that he's proven he cant reign in the violence.

Despite this, I want to do everything within my power to keep my friend and her child safe. I offered today to testify against him in court. It probably wont happen. She has a lot of evidence, and a damn fine lawyer. Anything I have will be a single sprinkle in an ice cream sundae. If I'm called to it, however, I will go. I want to keep them safe.

I helped her escape from him the final time. I jokingly called it "Operation Rescue the Princess." Humor is how I deal with fear. To be frank, however. I was scared he would find out. I was scared he would try and kill us. I was scared he would pull a gun. I was scared he would kill me. I was more scared he'd try and kill my friend. I laughed and joked. I dismissed that I was scared because fear is useless in environments like that.

I would have taken that bullet for her, though. Going into it, I imagined I would have to. I still imagine him freaking out because something doesn't go his way in court and him trying to kill us. He's already threatened my life. He literally said "I would have killed you."

His lawyer asked for my address. I wish I was strong enough to protect what I love without the shield of anonymity. I wish I could say that if he came at me with a gun I could defend myself. The fact of the matter is, however, I can't. I know my limitations. I am weak. What's more I am a safe unknown location in which my friend can bolt to if he comes after her. I need that protection. She needs that protection.

But what is bravery? Despite the terror clenching in the pit of your stomach. It is taking care of what needs to be done because it needs doing, because it's right.  I need to look beyond my fear, and beyond my own outrage to do what is right and what is needed. I need to take John Waynes advice and own it.

All I really want is peace. Peace for her, and peace for me. I wish he would just go away and leave her alone. He's a threat to her and the baby. I want to protect them. I will continue being brave, but I wish I was in a place where I didn't have to be. I wish he was reasonable. I wish he would step beyond his anger and become a good father.

It's time to saddle up, though. I will fight for her. I will fight for her kid because it is right and it needs to be done. I love that kid. I love being an "auntie." I love my friend. She is level headed when I'm blowing up, and encourages me to do the responsible thing. She encourages me to overcome my faults and be the best person I can be. I can't live without her. I am not whole without her and her kid. I will protect them with my life.

I don't know if this is bravery, of a stubborn unwillingness to look facts in the face. I hope it's bravery. If it is, I hope I continue being brave.

118 Miles Per Hour

The other day I was in  my math class. The professor, a happy and contented man who must be a wizard with the complexity of the equations he computes in his head, had us starting on statistics. For data he asked us "What is the fastest you've driven in a car?"

"90" says the first girl.
"85" says the second.
It is my turn after that.

In a flash I am driving down I-95. It's about 1 am and the roads are clear. It's only the trees bending mournfully over the shoulder of the interstate, and me. It was a dark time in my life, death seemed sweet and I was wistful, longing for its embrace. I didn't want to go home to my piece of crap job, and the husband who ignored me. I didn't want to move toward the future, because however dark my past and present were, my future looked worse.

My foot tensed and I pressed the gas as far as it would go. The trees started blurring together into a wall. I went faster and faster: 85mph, 90mph, 95mph, 100mph. I didn't want to die, really. That's not why I wanted speed. I wanted to move faster than the darkness. I wanted to move past the future and into something better. I was terrified that the darkness was all that was there, and I just wanted proof that there was a reason to keep hoping: 105mph, 110mph. I felt sick. The fire of rage filled my gut, crawled over my shoulders and pushed me back in my seat: 115mph. If I flipped the car. If I ran into the guard rail and it impaled me, leaving me to gurgle my last breaths it would be okay. I at least died trying: 116mph. Mom would cry though, and no one would be there to protect my kid brothers: 117mph. And my cat couldn't take care of himself, I needed to be there to clean and make sure she ate well. My husband wasn't going to do it: 118mph. Responsibility punched me in the face. I took my foot off the gas and coast back to the speed limit ignoring the fact I outran nothing; ignoring the hard coal in my stomach as the fire went out, and ignoring the drops of salt water tickling my chin.

The professor called on me again. "118" I responded.
The girl next to me leaned over, "You aren't lieing are you."

I grin and shake my head. I feel glorious then and there. I feel like I have wings of fire and arms of pure light. I am a badass! It's not because I hit one of the fastest speeds in the class (beat out by a wonderful lady with a big mouth and a Mustang going 120mph). It's because there was happiness in my future after all. I made it through hell with my own strength. My classmates see a number and think "daredevil" I see a dark night on the interstate and think "triumph."

Because Snakes Are Badass!

Snake Ownership can be pretty badass. It makes me feel unique and proud that I can be knowledgeable enough about something out of the norm to own one. On top of that it gives me a certain deep seated pleasure to know that Iwillingly, and without reservations, love something others find abhorrent or gross for no other reason than the social stigma.

What's more, Balsa is a surprisingly affectionate and loving snake. It's not that I make a habit of anthropomorphising animals. I really don't. I understand that to a snake I am a warm moving tree in which to climb. Snakes aren't all that bright and mostly predatory. Balsa, however, enjoys sleeves and pockets. She almost never bites. I say almost never because I got lax in my habits because she doesn't bite. I reached into her tank and towards her hiding spot directly after handling food. Needless to say, she figured things out quickly, and didn't even break skin. My rats bit me more often. So it's not that she gives kisses like a dog, or curls in my lap like a cat. She exists, and allows you the opportunity to exist near her. As far as snakes go, that's super affectionate.

Feeding her is amazing every time. I love the way her scales stretch and show the pale skin underneath. I love the way either side of her mouth moves independently. I love how her mouth opens too big.

Owning a snake is a badass thing. I love it!

Ingress

Today, I wanted adventure. I demanded adventure. The pressure inside to go out and move, do, and explore proved too much. So I gathered some friends.

C- My main man with the gorgeous hair.
T- My trusty sidekick and ever optimistic Sith Alchemist.

Then we went out down town to try this new game I downloaded called Ingress. Basically it's an Augmented Reality game where you visit landmarks and claim them for one of two sides: The Enlightened, who seeks to move humanity to a higher state of exsistance, and The Resistance, who are a bunch of hippies that no one cares about...

I'll give you 3 guesses to decide which I chose.

We spent about an hour downtown messing around with the game. Along the way we discovered several dark alleys (did I mention it was late evening when we went? From 10:15p till 11:30p) 2 new pizza places and several new beer dispensaries. I am tickled.

My first woodworking project

A bit ago I showed an interest in learning wood working. Now, this happens to be something that my boyfriend enjoys.He was happy to oblige me by helping me make my second piece. (my first woodworking piece is an abomination....we don't talk about it...)

I was hesitant to post this at first because it was a failure and my boy had to save it in the end, but it's mine, I learned things. It is through our failures that we grow into better people.

I now introduce to you....our recent kitchen addition....my K-cup holder.

Be Excellent to Each Other

I used to be so good at this. I was quiet and reserved my judgement. I treated everyone with care and respect. Even the people I hated I gave them the understanding they needed...

I don't know what happened...

I hate people without understanding them now. I don't reserve judgement. I think "Oh, he's right," and "Oh, he must be dumb because he's wrong!" I back these movements and policies without understanding both sides with impartiality.

It needs to stop.

I shouldn't be saying "You are right because I agree with you," or anything like that. What my words and deeds should reflect is not one of anger, hate, or ego. It should be peace and kindness.

I was thinking about all the fantastic movies and books I've seen where badasses say that we should treat others with dignity and respect. I went everywhere from the bible to the grocery store. Finally, though I found a quote that will hopefully inspire me to be a better person....


"Be excellent to each other."
~Wild Stallions *air guitar*

Garden of badassdom

I know its not much an update, but here's my garden.

Obtaining a Firearm

I have always wanted to fire a gun. It sounds really neat in action, and must take a lot of skill to complete correctly. And although I do want to go hunting, I also want to gain the skill for skeet shooting, and target shooting as well. I have wanted to be a gun owner for years and years and years. Actually, since my grandfather passed and my family cleaned his old guns out of my grandmother's house. To top it off, I want a firearm for protection.

I have some enemies. These enemies have access for firearms. No matter what my martial arts skills and how many knives I have on me, I don't stand a chance. I want a gun, and I want to become proficient in the care, maintenance, and firing of one.

I'm too messy for a concealed carry. I know that much about myself. I'm constantly shoving things and digging around in my purse. Whats more, even with a concealed carry, I would not want to take my firearm to work. That's 90% I leave my house anyway. Maybe one day I'll get one, but for now, this will do.

Anyway, I talked to my roommate, who happens to be my boyfriend, about getting a gun for the house. He's completely cool with it. He even suggested a shotgun as well, which would be neat! Maybe at a later point I can get one of those. First, though, I'm getting a handgun.

I talked to my parents about getting one of theirs. I'm actually hoping to get one of Grandpas. My brother and I have been fighting over them for years.  They don't use them and I would. Mom said yes. Still waiting on Dad. We'll see how that goes...

Diet: Day 3

So, I'm not big on the whole "Fat is bad" thing. I don't rightly care about how much a person weighs compared to some arbitrary ideal. It's dumb to me, the obsession with appearance. What I do believe, however is that I am out of shape. I have bad knees, I eat too much, and I don't eat right. This is not a badass thing, so it needs to change.

I really like the Weight Watchers program. It encourages a well balanced food group selection, It doesn't say "You can't have!" (This makes me want more) It also teaches me moderation. However, since I don't have a lot in the way of spending money, I've come up with a better plan for this

Self sufficancy

I recently started gardening on my quest for self-sufficiency badassitude. It takes a sizable chunk of my time, but it's very gratifying. I thought I might give a virtual tour...

This fist picture is a small plot of land. It's the first time I've not used potters. What's more it's the first time I've planted root veggies. Here i have some Gladiolous, a bleading heart plant (that never came in), beets, and carrots. It's a bit of an experiment. We'll see how it does.

The next picture is a picture of the porch swing that my boyfriend got for us. That's my Wonder Woman mug. He and I love spending time here. I think it needs to move into the garden proper instead of being under the car-port, but he has a point in that if it's raining we can still use it.

This is seen from my front yard. I have red lilies and gladiolus. The lilies I've had for about 5 years and are the most durible plant I have ever had. They have trained me well in gardening by being so forgiving.

This is a closeup of my green bean plant. I have 2 different types, though I can't remember which ones. Aren't my little green beans cute?

And here's a closeup of my cute little Roma Tomatoes!

And my snap peas!

This is my garden mirror. I got it for free from a neighbor. It looks lovely in my garden! Below it are my 3 different tomatoes: Blak Cherry Tomato, Beefsteak, and Roma. There is also a Cypress Vine that I'm making crawl along the mirror stand. 

Here's a picture of Willow out in my garden. She loves to be outside! It's here I keep my jalapeno, and bell pepper plants, My pumpkin, squash, and cucumber, and my broccoli and cauliflower. Above that I have my bird feeder. Actually, it's my friend's birdfeeder that I'm borrowing till I see her again.

Then I have my snap pea, my green bean, and my pea plants. I love snap peas. the flowers are SO beautiful, and snap peas make THE BEST snack. There's also a little garden statue that I took from my boyfriend.

To the left of my peas and beans, I have my herbs. Cilantro and Thyme are in the green pot, I also have basil, sage, rosemary. green onion. dill, and oregano. The hanging potters have Columbines and my snap dragons.

To the left of those I have my leafy greens. I have my spinach and lettuces. In the hanging potters I have marigolds, poppies, cyprus vine and moonflower. I'm planning on winding the vine plants around the railings 

More closeups of my plants: both snap peas and my pumpkins. 

Busy Bee

So, it's been a while. I have been a busy, busy girl. It's been really hard to make a post proper-like. I guess the business makes me a badass, though not really. It really does make me busy however.

The past month or so I have spent prepping for weekend activities. All my time has been spent either maintaining my life, or working on the weekends.

I am a member of one of my favorite couple's wedding parties. I'm not the maid of honor, but I have a bit more experience (and an available location for parties) in maid of honor responsibilities. I've been playing the maid of honor's secritary on this one. A few weeks ago I planned and hosted the bridal shower at my house. It was a nice event, and the bride was ecstatic. There was good food and drink, interesting games with cute prizes, and lots of gifts.

Next weekend is the Batchelorette party. It is also being held at my house. It's going to be a spa theme. I've hired a massage therapist to give us all massages. There will be manicures, and face masks as well. The food will be low key. All of it is going to be freezer finger foods.

Also, I've spent a sizable chunk of my time half a day away in Nashville, TN. My best friend is currently in a messy custody battle with her abusive husband. In December I drove out there with my boyfriend and another best friend to move her out quickly in the middle of the night. He had been a real jerk to both her and the baby. Guns were involved. We got both of them out before anything too serious happened (If you don't include waving a loaded gun between a mother and her baby.) I called that mission "Operation save the Princess"

A few weeks ago I went out again to babysit the kid (an amazingly bright child who uses sign language to communicate despite the fact he's only 16 months.) while she was in court attempting to keep her and her baby safe. She is so brave! I called this mission "Operation Baby Bodyguard"

This week I go out and do the same thing. On top of the trial, we are also going to be dealing with her horse. It's a lot of driving, and a lot of babysitting, but it's fun. Also, it's kind of badass because I get to drive a manual SUV. It makes me feel manly. I miss driving manual a lot sometimes.

I don't think the father is resourceful to find the hotel we're staying in. I hope he's not, anyway. All I have to protect me is a slightly bent fillet knife, 6-7 years of martial arts experience (in an out of shape body) and a pocket knife. He's a retired soldier with a LOT of firearms at his disposal. I hope he doesn't do anything stupid. If he does, I'll give my life protecting that kid.

Also, one of my good friends is a Marine who was stationed in Africa. He came home recently and was wounded. I wanted to throw him a party to show him how much we appreciate his service as well as how glad we are to have him back. So a chunk of my time has been dedicated to that.

He is such a badass and I admire him greatly. He's just a kid, really. He just turned old enough to drink. He is still rolling his injury like a champ. He's saved lives. He's protected freedoms. Long story short, he's one of my favorite badasses of all time.

There's one more thing aside from the real everyday stuff that has kept me busy. 2 weekends since I had my last post I went LARPing. For those of you unfamiliar, it's like playing a MMO video game in real life. You go through a character generator. You gain EXP and you level your character. You involve that character in stories set by the game staff. This particular LARP is Nordic mythology based.

I play a green earth dragon named Als'betherian D'rox. She's not particularly badass in the physical ways. She's a player, though. She's an archaeologist with the personality of a Victorian governess, and ambitions of power.

Well, that's kept me more than busy. I'll be making some other update posts here soon.

I'm on Fire!

My boyfriend remarked that I am on fire! This is a good thing in my mind because it echos that which I feel. Today I have more than make up for lost time! <3

I went to work. I got Balsa food and Willow a catnip plant. I got a tasty dinner for Joe and I. I got some finishing touches for prize boxes for the Batchelorette party tomorrow.

When I got home I fed Balsa, myself, and my boy. Balsa had a mouse. Joe and I had a sauteed steak, mushroom, and onion wrap. It was very tasty. I spent more money than I probably should have, but tomorrow is our anniversary. It's okay to splurge a little.

I'm going to rest for a little bit before I finish laundry and then head downstairs to work out on the treadmill. Then go outside and clean up my garden to prep for Saturday. Today has been a good day.

Discouraged

So after about a week of being sick, it's hard to get back into the feeling of badassness. I gained weight (It may only be bloating, but still...) so my pant don't fit. My best friend and her kid are coming over tonight so I have to play hostess. This weekend I'm hosting a bridal shower I have done absolutely no prep-work for...

It just all seems so overwhelming.

So I write a to-do list.
1) work (I sub special ed again)
2) go out and get Balsa foods.
3) come home and treadmill it up
4) clean and prep for the shower
5) get to bed early because I have work tomorrow too.

Baddass? Not With a Cold

I don't think I was just a cold. I honestly believe that cold fucked Hitler, took a shower at Chernobyl, then finally late its eggs in a New York sewer. That cold was awful. Complete with feverish halusinations and muscle spasms that evoked some pretty colorful expressions, even from me.

For the most part its over though. I still have this wretched cough, but I start work again tomorrow. I also start up job hunting tomorrow.

Tonight however, I have a early bedtime. Its time to sleep now actually. My journey of badassitude starts back in earnest tomorrow!

Hard to Feel Like A Badass When You Have a Cold

I have a cold. It is awful. When you're trying to be hardcore and it feels like your brains are leaking out of your nose, you fail....miserably.

But there's something that feels good about trying anyway. Despite feeling bad I still went to work. I had plans to do out larping this weekend. I'm still going too. I'm going to take it easy tonight then go out tomorrow.

Pictures will be posted tomorrow of the AWESOME character. I look like a total badass!

After a couple hours of larping I'm going to a wine tasting. This covers two of my characteristics of a badass. I have a unique hobby, and gain more knowlege of alcohol. That though is a great comfort to me as I lay on the couch amidst a sea of used tissues with a bowl of soup ballanced on my chest while I watch "Psych."

I'm a not a badass yet, but I'm working it. Today for recovery. Tomorrow for badassitude.

Chores

I've never been good at chores. My parents taught me how to do them. They had all the rules in place that I would do them every day in a timely way...but I've always hated them. I think that's always been my main problem.

Now that I'm an adult, chores have to be done, not to earn an allowance, but so I know where things are and I don't cultivate some God-awful disease and become the start of the zombie-apocalypse. To further compound the issue, badasses know how to keep clean.

So starting today, I'm making a rule for myself. Its simple and its not groundbreaking. I resolve to always put things back where they go. They do not belong on counters, on the floor, or in my car. Everything has a home. I need to put things back the first time.

That's my first step. Its nothing big, but I'm owning this. Well see what the next step is when I start making progress.

Goal Oriented Graphics

I've always been the "out of sight, out of mind" type of person. Without constant reminders to get things done, I ultimately fail. Normally I attribute this to my ADD. It makes it very difficult to focus on any one task. My mind becomes so busy remembering some tasks it forgets some others of them.
Be that as it may, I've recently acquired an entire office to myself. I'm using its wall space prudently with reminders to keep on task and to motivate me towards my goals.

I've also always been very visually stimulated. Pictures, colors, graphs, and charts draw my eye and focus. Because of this, my posters are all colorful and graphics heavy. I have 5 posters currently, with the intent to add a second.

The first one is my schedule. It's really more of a to-do list. I have the agenda items categorized by color. The yellow ones are items that should be accomplished daily: wake up, shower, breakfast, lunch, and dinner are all examples of this. The purple items are cleaning agenda tasks. Items like clean out the fridge, mop, and clean the toilet are there. Green items are fun things. Arts and crafts predominantly take this category. Blue items are zen or spiritual items. Gardening, blogging, and church are among the things placed in there. Last I have pink items. These are the things I do to better my intellectual health. Duolingo, classes, and work (I'm a substitute teacher) take this category. Each color has to show up at least once per day.

On the poster are actually double sided sticky tabs. I laminated the agenda items that stick to the tabs so they come off quite easily.

The next graphic is a poster of the pilates exercises in order. I have a hard time remembering which comes before which and I was tired of picking up my book to remember. I took the course in college, so I remember the form and function of each pose, it's the order that gums me up. That's why I made this poster.

These poses and the order are based on this book, "The Pilates Body" by Brooke Siler. It's a good one. It tells the reader exactly what needs to happen for each position. 

The muscle training poster is based on the 100 push ups program and the other exercise programs linked to the sight: Found Here. I found a number of years ago. I haven't started it yet, but the program is separated into three days a week. These three day weeks are stapled together and put into a pocket for each exercise. Every day I will be taking the date's exercise regimen out and taping it to the pocket. I start that program Monday of next week.

The next poster has a list of runners stretches I also found online a number of years ago. I can't seem to find the source website, but I was very pleased with the breadth of the routine. Below it I keep track of my daily running.

I have the fortune of having a treadmill and a TV placed in front of it. I created my program keeping this thought in mind. Every day I'm going to watch an episode of the new Battlestar Galactica (I'm a bigger fan of the old one, but the new one is interesting enough.) Each episode is about 45 minutes long. I record the amount of miles I run within each episode. This keeps me motivated to do it daily as I am not allowed to watch the show unless I am on the treadmill. Also, there is nothing better than watching a badass (Starbuck) kick ass to inspire me to get better. 

This is the weight graph I'm maintaining. Each morning I plan on weighing myself. Now, I realize that weight fluctuates day to day based on a lot of factors. but the general trend can be seen via averages. Now, I'm not overly concerned about my weight, however, it is a good indicator of my fitness progress.

That about sums up my graphic aids. I still have to make my budgeting poster. I'll do that as soon as I actually get a summer job and get a better grasp on my finances for the summer.

Badass Goals

Previously I have defined badass by separating it into 4 categories. Now I will define the goals I have pertaining to those definitions:

Physical:

• They are fit, healthy, and strong

1. Less processed foods in my diet.
2. Army Ranger standards of fitness: 80 pushups in 2 minutes, 80 situps in 2 minutes, 12 pullups in 2 minutes, 2 miles in 13 minutes, 5 miles in 35 minutes, and a 16 mile hike with 65lbs of gear in 4-5 hours
3. Gain the flexibility and strength to do most yoga poses unaided.

• They have their own personal style

1. Figure out my personal clothing style, both professionally, and casually.
2. Obtain the clothing to maintain that style

• They know how to fight

1. Relearn martial arts.
2. Obtain a base knowledge of take-downs and submissions.

• They work with any physical impairments

1. Get both contacts and glasses that suit me in both form and function.

• They are clean, and hygienic 

1. Take more pride in appearance by taking time to brush hair, wear clean clothes, and shower daily.
2. Make sure house stays clean and orderly. Set up a schedule for cleaning and stick with it.

Intellectual:

• They have varied knowledge

1. Study the following subjects: Teaching (My career, yey!), English, Math, Mechanics, Science, Music, Arts/Crafts, Survival Techniques, History, Civics/Politics, Current Events, Homemaking, Computers, Alcohol, Firearms, Leadership, and Dance.

• They know of other badasses

1. Study the basaddess who have come before. Figure out why they were badasses, and how they came into their badassitude. Do not discriminate or only study one type.

• They are well read

1. Take time to read daily, even if it's only 15 minutes before bed.
2. Compile a list of different types of books that should be read.

• They know a verity of etiquette and protocol and the time and place to use each

1. Study and master the art of eating in polite company, how to host parties, how to attend thank you notes, invitations, etc. Master the art of small talk and discretion. 

• They have an adventurous spirit

1. If given the opportunity, always try new things.
2. Take time to go somewhere I've never been before at least twice a month.

• They listen more or as much as they speak

1. God gave us two ears, two eyes, and one mouth. Make a conscious effort to look and listen twice as much as I talk.

• They are creative spirits

1. Take time for arts and crafts once a week in the very least. 

Social:

• They are leaders

1. Make an effort to be a good leader whenever presented an opportunity.

• They are independent

1. Find strength of emotion within self
2. Grow more of my own food.
3. Don't take charity. Only take loans that I can pay back.

• They have an unusual hobby

1. Continue passion for LARPing
2. Get more into cosplay
3. Make time for Magic tournaments
4. Take time weekly to play videogames

• They are keenly aware of the plight of their fellow man.

1. Stand up for the underdog whenever I see them pushed down.

• They are humanitarians

1. Find a way to help my community become stronger through volunteering

• They have a willingness (not an outright desire) to defy conventions to stand up for those who cannot.

1. Don't let haters bring me down. I do what's right.

• They actually DO things and don't just talk about them.

1. Keep track of goal progress with this blog.

Personal:

• They have their own moral code, which they strictly abide by.

1. Define my own personal moral code. Keep track with how well I keep to it.

• They stand up for themselves as they do others.

1. Don't let people walk over me.
2. Don't let them walk on other people

• They know their limits and attempt to overcome them.

1. Do some major introspection and find the areas I need to improve.

• They have a mindfulness and inner-peace.

1. Study the concept of mindfulness through research and meditation.

• They listen to their inner voice.

1. Conduct an introspective study to find my inner voice.

• They are okay with being alone.

1. Take a weekend and go out alone where there's no contact with the world.
2. Take a week and go out with no contact with people. 

• They are organized with their time and space

1. De-clutter my house (lean more towards the minimalist lifestyle)
2. Keep a schedule.
3. Maintain a budget.

• They normally have a vice that may negate one or two of the above.

1. Forgive myself if I don't make it the first time. I have vices, and cannot be perfect.

Most of my goals are pretty loose. I have no specific goals. This blog will be a place to explore and further define those goals.

What is a Badass?

Google Definitions defines a Badass as "a tough, uncompromising, or intimidating person." or a "a formidably impressive person." But what does that mean? What is a badass? What are the qualities that make one person more badass than the rest? Is it a leather jacket and a scar? Is it a fierce independence that defies social norms? Is it a deep and passionate caring for the human condition? Truly, what is a badass and what does it mean to me?

I've seen many badassess in my years. There are the common references of John Wayne, Bruce Lee, and Winston Churchill. There are the fictional references in Indiana Jones, James Bond, and Batman. Then we find the female badasses both fictional and real: Buffy, Xena, The Bride, Joan of Arc,  Queen Boudicca, and Angelina Jolie. In addition, the less recognized badasses such as Mother Teressa, and Hawa Abdi. I also have many friends who are badasses, EMTs, Volunteer Firefighters, Marines, MMA warrior poets, and people who have worked themselves out of nothing to find their place. With so much inspiration, it's only right that I struggle to emulate that which I admire, and become a person that I would like to be. 

I want to become a badass. Don't get me wrong, my life isn't bad by any stretch of the imagination, and I'm not seeking change to get out of a tight spot. I actually lead a pretty comfortable life now. I have a loving family, wonderful friends, my "children" (a cat and a snake), a good job, and a very bright future. I even have a romantic interest that I'm rather fond of.

That wasn't always the case. A year and a half ago, something happened to me that presented itself as an opportunity to allow me to figure out who I am and what I want to be. I hit a very low point in my life. It broke the person who I once was, the world I had lived in, and hurt a lot of people in the process (a fact I deeply regret). I can never be her again, and I can never go back to that way of life. This is a written account of my exploration into redefining myself. It is a log of the efforts I make into becoming the best me I can. It is an ongoing testament of my journey as a person who wants to be better than she is.

What is a badass to me? A badass is a person, male or female, who doesn't pretend to be something they are not. They are themselves, without apology or apprehension. Despite this confidence, however, they are always trying to become better than they were. They strive for their view of perfection, without the illusion that it can ever be obtained. They allow themselves to make mistakes, and let it make them grow. They are strong, both physically and mentally. They are independent and self reliant. They have a wide range of knowledge. And finally they use themselves as a tool to help others. 

A badass has qualities I separate into 4 categories:

Physical:

• They are fit, healthy, and strong
• They have their own personal style
• They know how to fight
• They work with any physical impairments
• They are clean, and hygienic 

Intellectual:

• They have varied knowledge
• They know of other badasses
• They are well read
• They know a verity of etiquette and protocol and the time and place to use each
• They have an adventurous spirit
• They listen more or as much as they speak
• They are creative spirits

Social:

• They are leaders
• They are independent
• They have an unusual hobby
• They are keenly aware of the plight of their fellow man.
• They are humanitarians
• They have a willingness (not an outright desire) to defy conventions to stand up for those who cannot.
• They actually DO things and don't just talk about them.

Personal:

• They have their own moral code, which they strictly abide by.
• They stand up for themselves as they do others.
• They know their limits and attempt to overcome them.
• They have a mindfulness and inner-peace.
• They listen to their inner voice.
• They are okay with being alone.
• They are organized with their time and space
• They normally have a vice that may negate one or two of the above.

This is my definition of a badass. This is everything I strive to be. As I work towards achieving this goal, my definitions may change, but as it stands. This is what I want and believe.

What do you think a badass is? Let me know by following this link:  Here