2 Weeks

So I went to the psyciatrist today. He seems both knowledgeable and very kindly and presenable. However he did ask if I had Aspergers. He said I seemed to be exhibiting a lot of the patterns and behaviors that lend themselves to the diagnosis. I just looked it up because I'd never done research on it before...I have some symptoms,. Hyper focus/obsessions, sensitivity to sound (for me it's not the volume it's competing sounds like two people talking at once...it makes me irrationally angry. I also have a hard time having close friendships. I haven't had a best friend since my former best friend joined a cult (amway) and tried to get me to join one too many times. But he says that's a long way off. Pressing problems first.

My antidepressant is getting upped.

Also, I put in my two weeks today.

It's 7pm an I've almost fallen asleep typing this more than once.

Tomorrow his have 

a report

Job hunting

Cleaning 

Then helping my boyfriend move. I may spend Sunday making masks for my business. 

Also started budgeting. Will need to research credit repair compnies.

Sleep time.

Two Years

Two years...it's been two years since I last posted. I have been dating Cody for a bit longer than that. I have had two jobs...soon to be more. I'm having a FND flair because of the emmense stress I'm under. I'm putting in my 2 weeks on Monday. Taking a pay cut...and working at Walmart...till I can sub teach at a new school and hopefully get a teaching job there.

I'm going to use this time to work on several projects. I'm starting up a mask making business because, oh did I mention we're in the middle of a pandemic that the US is not taking seriously? I'm also going to start posting stuff of Teachers pay Teachers. A lesson plan for each SOL and ASOL. I'm also going to get my house cleaned...let's be honest, I'll be working 40 hours a week instead of 60-70. I can get a lot done.

Oh, and the world is going to shit...so there's that too. Plague, riots, a racist president...you know...the usual stuff.

Some things I'm going to be talking about in the coming weeks:

 

My weight. I'm almost 300 lbs now, and although I do not believe that fat =ugly. I also do not look how I want to.

My health. Related to my weight, I need to improve my cardio, strength, and flexibility. It would be nice to go up the stairs without getting winded, do weird kinky positions, and lift heavy objects on my own. 

My mental health. I've started Therapy. I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow, and I will need to do a lot of shadow work to figure out how to get rid of my codependency issues without swinging too hard in the other direction.

My FND. As stated, I'm having a pretty aweful flair. Almost had a seizure on Tuesday. Walking where I need a walker when not in the house (I can grab onto stuff as I walk here) and speaking issues. Screens bigger than my phone make my brain feel fuzzy. I have an appointment on the 7th to work through this.

Cleaning and hygiene. I have made huge strides in this area. Still need to improve. Showering 5x a week and brushing my teeth about once a week. (It was daily before I started working 70 hour weeks)

Reading. I got a new Kindle and started reading again. I'm making a point to read more minority authors. I'm reading for pleasure again. I'm going to be doing more of it.

More badassness. I want to do more research on badasses through time. Like really dig into their flaws as well as their virtues.It may help me examine myself less critically.

Adventures. I want to go somewhere I've never been before at least once a month.this doesn't need to cost money. Maybe a hike to an old ruin or a picnic in a park I've never been.

Hobbies. It's been a hot minute since I've had time for hobbies. I'm going to be seeing and creating fun lessons. I'm going to craft if the mood takes me. My main hobby will be decorating my house.

Giving back. I want to start volunteering...once a week is too frequent, maybe every other week? My Community Place is a local community center that helps out with the homeless population. I might look into helping them out. Won't have money for donations, but I might have time.

Moral code. I need to refine and improve on my weaknesses as well as celebrate my strengths.

Chores. Although I'm getting better at chores, I need to improve. This will be an outlet for personal analysis of methods that work and do not work.

Business. I'm starting a business...well, two if you want to get technical. I'm making masks (I've already started. I'm almost done with my first 20) and making a passive income on Teachers pay Teachers. I mean, I have to write lesson plans anyway. Might as well make some money off of it.

Religon. I have fallen off the religion bandwagon. Not for lack of interest. I just haven't had the time to do any shadow work, spells, research, or even minor rituals. I want to make a point of being more spiritual. I always felt more confident in life when I really knew what I did and did not believe and celebrated it.

Money. I've become so bad with money...like super aweful.  I guess I got burned out on being poor. I spent 18 years mostly comfortable in life. Then I got poor. Deciding whether to eat or pay rent has been a legit choice for me in the past. after shit hit the fan with Joe I gave up. Now I cannot save. I do not budget. I just spend. Setting up a budget is my second priority because...

Debt. I am massively in debt with collection agencies calling on me all the time. Most of it is medical. I went to the psychiatric unit for a week and a half for suicidal tendencies and I had ankle surgery...both while uninsured. I was too depressed to pay the bills so I didn't. I'm paying for it too. My first priority is calling a credit repair company and getting my debt in order. Also student loans...which have been put on hold till after the plague is less serious. So there's that too.

I'll keep you all informed about the job process too. I'm applying to the jobs tonight. I've spoken with both the managers, and unless I severely fuck up...I have those jobs in the bag. Resignation letter is on Monday. I will work for an additional 2 weeks then I'm starting the new gigs. I'm not going to smack talk my job on here though. But we are having staffing issues, and I've been working between 60 and 80 hour weeks. It reached a head when my FND resurfaced and I had the thought: "I don't want to be a teacher anymore." Which is rediculous because I love teaching.

Anyway, that's whats heading your way in the next few weeks. Till then...

New host for old problems

I've transferred over to wordpress as Blogger doesn't have a good app for the phone, and I hate typing on a manual keyboard.

You can now find me here

Distraction

I did my taxes like a good adult. I’m getting almost 1000 back! What am I going to do with that thousand you might be wondering. I’m going to pay off one of my credit cards. I’m good at adulting!

I’m lieing. I’m not good at adulting. This weeks diet did not go well. I’m not doing my homework like I should. I just can’t focus. All I want to do is nap and surf reddit.

But here I am buckling down and writing a paper.

Doing well.

I have decided that I can’t do more than one goal at once.  I just don’t have the capacity for it. So my running plan is to do dishes daily.focus on dishes, and no other housework I don’t usually do. I’m breaking my rule here, but I’m also dieting. If I can be successful for 3 weeks I will try to stop smoking. From there, who knows, but at least I won’t feel guilty every time I light up a cigarette since I have a plan.

I broke my diet last night. Joe isn’t feeling well so I went out and got him (and I) Chick-fil-A. I shouldn’t have gotten myself any, but I was hungry. Very hungry. As in order two meals for myself hungry. I should have smacked when I got home from work, but laying down took priority. I was exhausted after work. Not that the day was bad, but rather I’m still a bit sick and energy levels aren’t quite up to par.

I talked with my shrink, and we are going to experiment for one more month to see if I need my pills. So I might be pill free starting soon. Well I’m already pull free we’re just going to see if it’s a good idea.

Something that’s really been getting me down lately is all the comments I’ve been getting on my appearance. I wish I could complain about compliments, but it’s the opposite. Joe’s always been brutally honest with me (which I appreciate since I’m oblivious), but people outside of joe have been commenting negatively on my appearance lately. Last one is “You look like crap” from one of my bosses in reference to the fact I still look sick. Now, normally I’d take it in stride, but lately I’ve noticed that the amount of negative comments far outweigh the good ones. I don’t feel good about my appearance, not because of the criticism, but because of the lack of compliments. I’m not pretty. I don’t dress well. I have poor hygiene. But it’s still nice to feel good about yourself sometimes. A compliment would go far to soothe me. So I’m thinking about wearing makeup to work. I usually don’t because the kids don’t need to see my fake face. I mean I dress up more than what’s required for work most days, but I guess putting forth the extra effort might get me a compliment and make me feel better. I’ll probably talk with joe about giving me more compliments after he’s done being sick.

Oh yeah, despite not touching me and avoiding the same areas of the house as me while I was sick, joe still caught my cold. If I had more days off I’d take one to take care of him. I love that man.

Update

I talked with my dad last night and it did two things.

1) it inspired me to get back onto dieting. Dishes will be made. But if I manage it to only the weekends I can keep up with it hopefully. And with Joe’s help I can really stay on top of it. Breakfasts will be 3 eggs with veggies. Lunches will be a cup of rice, some chicken and some veggies. I have low cal snacks. Dinners will be microwave meals or salmon and rice.

2) it also got me angry. He said I write on a high school level. And yes, I admit my writing isn't good. My grammar and spelling leave much to be desired. My brain still has trouble connecting sentences like it used to. However, my writing isn't nearly a high school level! I'm insulted. It's at least on undergraduate level, I would say. But then, I don't really have the right to judge my own writing, do I?

It does ring a little true, though. My writing could stand to improve. What can't stand to improve? Maybe I do need to take classes on writing effectively. I don't know when I'll have the time, but it's something to think about in the very least.

I've been gaming a lot more in lieu of contact with people this past month. I have basically beaten Pokemon Moon Ultra (just need to get some ultra beasts from a mini game and beat the battle tree) I beat Doki Doki Literature Club which was a mind fuck. I want to see if there's any after game content. And I just bought the game Shovel Knight which is a 2D platformer that is pretty fun.

My birthday is coming up on the 12th. I know people are going to want to do things for it. Katt wants to come down. I want my parents to come down. I'd like to see my friends. I just don't see me having the time for it. I think this is going to be one of those birthdays that time forgot, you know? I'd be happy enough just forgetting my birthday even existed. I'd happily just let it be another day. I just wont have the time to celebrate it. And that's fine, don't get me wrong. But a little part of me wants to invite friends out camping for my birthday. Not that this is the time of year for camping, but I still desire camping with my friends for my birthday. But since that can't happen I'll settle for everyone forgetting my birthday. That includes me.

I've been sick this past week. It killed me. I now have no more sick days at work for the rest of the year. I lost major points on a couple homework assignments that I forgot. It's just been awful. But I know I can't dwell on that kind of stuff. I have way too much work to do.

Speaking of, I have to clean out the fridge, do dishes, read my homework, then work on my computer homework. So I will leave you all with this. I may not update a lot currently, but know that I still am the chaotic brained mess I always was....just a little busier.

Self critical

I’m fat, I dress like I’m homeless, and I can’t clean.

I need to lose weight. It’s super hard. I just don’t have the self control. Plus eating right makes a lot of dishes and I’m very bad at doing dishes.

I dress like I’m homeless. I don’t know another way to dress. I’m fat. My clothes are too small. I guess that’s part of it. I don’t have the money to go buy nice well fitting clothes. And if I plan to loose weight it’s pointless anyway.

Right now I’m stuck. I want to change. I want to be skinny again. I just don’t know if I can do it.

I stopped my antidepressants and my Tourette’s meds. I’m fine. Not depressed, and my Tourette’s is under control so far. This isn’t depression. This is frustration. I know I can change. I’m just not good at it.

So new plan!

Do dishes every morning. Every morning! Even if there is only one dish. Focus on calories. Eat more veggies and lean meats. 1200 calories is too intense. I’m going to stay under 1500. And I’m going to go through my closet and get rid of the worst offenders on the clothes front.

Good news is school is going well. Very well. I love it! I’m happy with it, though I’m eager to have my own classroom. I’m actually quite happy most of the time...except when I look in a mirror.