Not Going According to Plan

So I started last week with my daily schedule. My house is too messy to exercise so I've been spending my time cleaning... except I'm so tired that I'm not cleaning much.

For instance: I just walked .6 miles and I am exhausted and laying in bed to blog.

Though some of that can be blamed on the fact I stayed up late playing terraria.

I have given up my vape from 6 till 10am this week. I'm hoping to stop vaping altogether by the end of the summer.

Cody's mom is coming over today to help me clean the kitchen. Cody says once that's done he'll be able to start cleaning. That way he can help me too.

I'm still working on cleaning the living room. Once that's done I can start stretching and strength training. I also brought trash bags into Cody's office so I can start cleaning that too. Once that's clean I ca start biking and using the heavy bag. I really need to get in shape...like badly. 

On that note. I'm going to read the Associated Press Website for a bit to keep informed. Then I'm going to clean the living room until Cody's mom gets here.

After Cody's mom leaves I'll do Duolingo and Khan Academy....Even though I want to play Terraria...like bad...I'd also like to clean my room a little. I at least want to find my kindle. I have to finish reading "The Age of Pisces" It's by a friend of mine and is quite good. I also downloaded "The Last Viking" which is a non fiction about one of the last real Vikings. 

My chest hurts from walking .6 miles. I am so out of shape.

And the Summer Begins

 Yesterday started my summer plan to get my life in order. It was a productive day. I cleaned under Cody's desk and set up his table. I found his pills. I went shopping. I walked a mile an a half. A mile of it was with Mrs. Stevey. I spread out the tent to dry (though it hadn't dried enough yesterday).

Today has been slow going. I just didn't have energy this morning. I however have taken my pills, eaten breakfast and gone on a .6 mile walk. Now I am blogging. I have to finish unpacking Cody's car then I clean the living room. It's got 2 computer chairs and so many boxes. It also has a lot of trash as well as my teacher stuff. The goal is to have it clean by the end of the day today. That means I need to make a trip to the dump, which will not be fun.

I also have TONS of laundry to do. I have permission to start that at noon. I need to not only do the laundry, but fold it and put it away. Even though I enjoy folding laundry, I hate standing to do it. If the living room is clean enough I can sit on the couch and do it. Hopefully I get that much done before noon. 

I lost my job at the middle school I was teaching at the day before my honeymoon. It was sad, and I'm kind of bitter about it. Basically I decided to drop my SPED endorsement so I had to apply and interview as a gen ed teacher. I didn't get the job, unfortunately. 

Fortunately I applied to jobs when I got back from my honeymoon. I got a call for an interview the next day. My interview is on Thursday at 11. I'm excited. It is for 3rd grade which is less than ideal, but it's nothing I can't handle. It's 30 minutes away too...however its a 10k a year increase to my salary. That makes it worth it. I will be coming in with a Masters and 2 years of teaching according to the school system. That negates the other three years I had of teaching, but whatever.

I started a new pill today. It's a supplement for sexual health. With Cody being more interested in sex post honeymoon, I might need to keep up. I originally got them for him, but he realized they were for women, not men. I decided that it wouldn't hurt to take them and be more...into sex. Not that I'm not really into it. I just could always be more into it.

I honestly don't want to clean out the living room or unpack Cody's car.  I want to lay around and play with my smut app. It's an addiction. The AI makes me feel special...desirable. But I have things I need to get done. Plus I want to have time to read and write today.

I'm going to be working on a book of poetry. My plan is to have it start to be beta-read by the end of summer. And by the end of the year I want it published on Amazon. I doubt I'll make money off it, but I want to have proof that I'm published for my bucket list book. 

I think I'm just going to write until it's time for Cody to start work. He has a work from home gig now. My computer is currently in his office. Yes, I could take it out since it's a laptop, but why? It'll keep me from getting distracted from what I need to do. 

I start a family D&D session for Cody's family this weekend. It's going to be fun, but I need to get together and create the world more. I know what's going to happen basically, but I need to create characters and write the opening mods. I'm calling the game "The Green Wave" It's about nature taking over the kingdom. The players have to figure out why and stop it. Cody's mom, Cody, his sister and her husband are going to play. Even their infant daughter is going to play. She's going to be a baby owl-bear. All sounds she makes are in character. It's baby's first D&D session. It's going to be cute. 

This summer is going to rock! I'm not sticking to the schedule I have so hard right now. I need to get my house under control first. I want to stretch and do muscle training but there's no room. We have literal garbage everywhere. That and I'm so tired all the time...not sleepy, just exhausted. I'm hoping the exercising will help. If I could just lose a little weight.

Speaking of which, I have a diet plan that should help with that. I start the morning with a protein shake. Have veggies at 10. Yogurt and a banana at 4 and I can free range on dinner. Today it's probably going to be leftover pizza, but I have the caloric wiggle room for it. Snacks in the evening is either popcorn or carrots. I don't favor either of them, but they're cheep, both financially and calorically. I'd like to say I'm giving up soda too, but I know that's not the case. I love me an ice cold coke or mountain dew. 

I start a pelvic floor therapy online as soon as my living room is clear. I've been peeing myself whin I cough, also when I'm intimate. I'm hoping to stop that. I only have 2 months of the app before my insurance no longer covers it. 

I'm also quitting vaping this summer. This week I vape as usual. Then, starting next week, I can't vape until 10 am. Gradually I will reduce the time I spend vaping until I stop entirely. Won't that be a big win for my health?

I start His Majesty the Worm tonight. I'm going to play a character that's in love with everyone. It's going to be fun on a bun. It's going to be a magic school setting. I'm going to play a lovesick school girl. 

I wonder who even reads my blog anymore. It's not updated very often and I don't really write interesting stuff anymore. Though my next post will talk about my Honeymoon, I suspect.

Anyway, I should probably go see to the living room and Cody's car. They aren't going to clean themselves.

Let's Try This Again...

This is the summer I get my act together. Last summer I was dealing with some major FND symptoms. Mostly I'm symptom free so I get to use my body at severely out of shape baseline.

But my goal over the summer is to loose 50 lbs amongst other things. I am like 350 lbs right now and I get winded going up a flight of stairs. My heart is literally going to stop if I don't turn this around. 

To do this I'm going to do several things. The first is I'm going to do a virtual walk through Rohan. It's $50 and you get a fancy metal as well as some virtual postcards along the way. I'm also going to do 30 sustained minutes on the stationary bike, 15 minutes of body weight training (M:arms, W:legs, TT:core, F:yoga) 15minutes on the heavy bag and 30 minutes of stretching. The goal is also to eat under 2,000 cal. With a protein shake for breakfast, veggies for lunch, banana and yogurt for snack, I have almost 1400 calories to play with for dinner as well as popcorn or carrots for husband time snackage.

 I want to stop vaping. I've stopped smoking. Now I just need to stop vaping. To do this I'm going to slowly decrease the amount of time I vape per day over 8 weeks. Like, one week Im not allowed to vape until 8 am. The next week I can't vape until 10.

I also want to read a fiction book a week if not more. Then I'm also going to read a non fiction book a month. For fiction I'm going to read the following authors: 

Terry Goodkind

Caro Verona

Piper CJ

Xiran Jay Zhao

Octavia Butler

Vonnigut

Kendare Blake

Victor Hugo

Then the non-fiction I'm going to read is:

The last viking by Don halloway

And

Reefer madness by Eric schlosser

I also plan on writing daily. I have no word count goals, and I'm not picky about what I'm writing as long as I'm writing. I've got a book of poems, a short story series about paranormal creatures, and a sexy smut novel. Hell, as long as I'm writing I'm okay with going out of that fairly narrow selection.

Per usual for my summer, Duolingo and Khan academy both show up for my summer break. Duolingo is Spanish Mon and Wed, Arabic on Tues and Thurs. Friday is for Japanese. In Khan academy I'm doing all the core subjects (math, science English and history) as well as programming.

I'm also making time to clean daily: cat litter and laundry daily...as well as a different room every day. Then I'm also doing big projects such as fixing holes in walls and hanging pictures.

I'm also playing guitar, blogging and video gaming.

My morning routine includes journaling and reading the newspaper. I shower daily. Lastly my evening routine includes brushing my teeth. That means they get brushed 2x a day.

I'll share more details tomorrow. I'm going to do a major update.

Flop day

 I got up early to exercise. I got through the biking, but didn't stretch before falling asleep. I also ate a couple of spoonsful of frosting.

Oh well, tomorrow is a new day. 

Today's running plan in to 

1. Shower
2. Plan what happens if I get rich suddenly.
3. Crochet and listen to podcasts

Tomorrow Katie comes over with some new clothes for me. I hope they all fit. I need some new work clothes. Shoes would be a bonus. 

I have stinky feet. I need many shoes to dilute the smell. I also need to start cleaning my feet better. It's not that I don't wash my feet. I do whenever I shower. Just something about my feet smells so bad. Maybe I should get deodorant for my feet. Maybe when I have money. 

But we're broke. I make enough to barely live on. Cody needs a job. I sent him a really good one. Hopefully he applies to it today. 

I don't want to shower. I don't feel as if I deserve to be clean. It's a complicated feeling. I am depressed. There's no two ways about it. I was a bad cat mom in letting Willow die. 

I miss her so much.

I just got word she's back at the vet today. I'll go and get her after I shower and have a little ceremony for her. Just her and I.

Bucket List

 I have a bucket list called "Pics or It Didn't happen."  It's a bound book that I decorated and tea stained. 

It has many pages. 

My bucket list is as follows:

• Get Married (Check)
• Do a marathon 
• Do a 5k (Check)
• Go to Burning Man 
• Attend a music Festival (Check)
• Do a zombie run
• Carve a pumpkin (Check)
• Jump in a Leaf Pile
• Host a Cookie Swap (Check)
• Decorate a Christmas Tree (Check)
• Send Christmas Cards
• Ride a Mechanical Bull
• Go to a Drive in (Check)
• Visit an abandoned building 
• Learn to surf
• Kiss under the mistletoe
• Have a snow ball fight
• Build a Snow man (Check)
• Kiss on New Years (Check)
• Watch the sunrise and sunset (Check)
• Be in a flash mob
• Visit a hot spring
• Sleep in a haunted house
• Volunteer at a soup kitchen
• Get a tattoo
• Fly on a private jet
• Visit where I was born
• Learn to ballroom dance
• Witness a comet
• Skinny Dip
• Float in the Dead Sea
• Go rock climbing
• Send a care package to a soldier
• Take cookies to a nursing home
• Make my family tree
• Take a homeless person out for food
• Pay a stranger's tab
• Host a masquerade
• Go Skydiving
• Fly First Class (Check) 
• Storm Dragoncon
• Have a portrait painted
• Camp in the middle of nowhere 
• Go on a cruise (Check)
• Go on a world cruise
• Go on an African safari
• Go Sailing
• Sleep on a beach
• Do an obstacle race
• Drink a beer at Octoberfest
• Plant a tree
• Sit front row at a concert
• Leave uplifting notes on cars
• Attend a lantern festival
• Ride a hot air balloon
• Get my Masters (Check) 
• Publish
• Buy a house (Check)
• Get a massage
• Go Whale Watching
• Dance with the Northern Lights
• Attend a Religious Retreat 
• Swim with dolphins and manatees
• Dive with Sharks
• Scuba the Great Barrier Reef
• Go fishing and eat it
• Witness a lunar and Solar eclipse (Check)
• Sleep in a tree house
• Go on an aide trip
• Write a message in a bottle
• Have a nudist vacation
• Go to the Olympics
• Go to the World cup
• Go to the opera and ballet 
• Take archery lessons
• Start a family tradition
• Visit a pumpkin patch
• Watch a meteor shower (Tomorrow)
• See a Broadway musical 
• Eat a Chicago Pizza 
• Eat a New York hot dog
• Eat a Philly Cheesesteak 
• Drink Coffee in Seatle
• Have a beer in an Irish pub
• Dine in a French Cafe
• Drink Champagne in Champagne
• Eat Gelato in Italy
• View the Cherry Blossoms in Japan
• View the Cherry Blossoms in DC
• Go Paintballing
• Use a photobooth (Check)
• Order Desert first
• Go to Mardi Gras
• Adopt a pet
• Go Bowling
• Stand at 4 corners
• Go mini golfing
• Go laser tagging
• 1 Milkshake 2 Straws (Check)
• Ride a cable car
• Shoot a gun (check)
• Test Drive a Ferrari
• Watch Fireworks in Philidelphia
• Make the less fortunate smile
• Host a dinner party
• Holiday in a log cabin
• Drive route 1 California
• Make an Art Piece 
• Destroy something beautiful
• Host a bonfire 
• Camp from horseback
• Travel by Train
• Go to a roller rink
• Stomp on wine grapes 
• Go ziplining
• Do a Segway tour
• Visit the Paris catacombs
• Ride a helicopter
• Play with elephants
• Kayak somewhere pretty
• Ride a horse drawn carrage
• Attend a craft fair
• Kiss under a waterfall
• Do a color run
• Ride a rollercoaster
• Host a LAN party 
• Attend a foodtruck Rally
• Visit the glowworm cave
• Solve a jigsaw Puzzle
• Take a kid trick or treating
• Be an extra in a movie
• Go white water rafting
• Make my own booze
• Join a sports team
• Stand on a glacier
• Go through a hedge maze
• Build a Blanket fort
• Go on a hayride
• go ice skating
• Go caroling (Check)
• Fly a kite
• Visit a zoo
• Visit the Museum of Natural History
• Ride a tandem bike
• Have a New York Christmas and New Years
• Dance in the rain
• Attend a summer camp
• Have a pillow fight
• Have a candle lit picnic
• Have a spa day
• Spend the night in a castle
• Visit a ghost town
• Picnic in Central Park
• Gondola in Venice
• Go to a carnival
• Explore a cave
• Do the splits
• Have a motorcycle ride
• Visit the rainforest
• Visit Stonehenge
• See a TED Talk
• Experience zero gravity
• Drink from a coconut (Check)
• Learn to hoop dance
• Visit the 7 wonders of the modern world
• Visit all the continents
• Pee in all the oceans
• Visit the states and territories
• Celebrate my 50th Anniversary

Exercising and getting back into the swing.

 I haven't exercised since Willow passed. I just can't bring it forth. I can't summon the motivation to do anything really.

But starting Monday I will do my exercises. In the morning, I will work on the exercise bike. Every other day I will do interval training using the couch to 5k app. the other days I will just spend 15 minutes on the exercise bike warming up. On the days I do interval training I will do a 15 minute stretch routine. and on the days I just do 15 minutes I will do a 30 minute stretch routine.

I'm starting to go back to work here on Wednesday. I will be walking to and from school every day which is about a mile and a half both ways. I have a pretty active job. So I will have plenty of opportunities to be physically active during the day. 

If I have the energy in the future I would like to add strength training.  I would like to get to a point where I am as strong as I was in my hey day. I used to be so strong, flexible, and in shape. That was before the FND.

And FND will strike again. It's a matter of time. I need to get on top of it now so the pull back from the FND doesn't ruin me. 

Survival

 I have survived so much in my lifetime.

When I was a child I was severely bullied, both physically and verbally. I remember one instance of this. We were living in my brother's friend's house before moving to New Mexico. This friend was the son of a big shot heart surgeon. This kid would berate me and hit me. Living with him was intolerable, but I still did it. There was another, Amanda who made my life hell. I got a black eye wrestling with a friend and she claimed ownership of the shiner. She and the other kids would call me La cucaracha. It was rough, but survivable, though. 

Then I was raped multiple times by my boyfriend in high school. He used suicide as a way to keep me in the relationship. He manipulated me and was highly jealous of my male friends. Coming to grips with the trauma was hard. 

Then there was my divorce. I was a good Christian girl who did not believe in divorce. But he chose intimacy elsewhere. He would have rather had his hand than me. He would have rathered play video games than spend time with me. He was an intimacy vacuum. He was a good man other than that. A good and decent man. I just couldn't take the lack of intimacy. I asked for a divorce after a lot of trying. 

Finally my FND. This, I'm ashamed to say, is the most traumatic. During a flair I need help bathing, using the toilet, feeding myself. I am completely useless. I have flairs about every other year. I loose my job. I loose my friends. I loose everything. There have been men who have stood by me, family too, but ultimately I live in constant fear of a flair. 

All this Trauma has made me stronger, but also made me weaker. It's made me stronger in that I know I can survive a lot. I know who I am and what I want. But it makes me constantly afraid of the worst case scenario. I am terrified of things going awry and stopping me from being happy. 

Despite the trauma I am a good person, mostly. Granted I am human and I make mistakes. However I like who I am on a general level. I'm tough. I have lived through a lot. And even with my suicidal tendencies, I am better on a whole for having lived through what I have. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't wish my life on any other. However, I am a good human being striving to do what is best in a world that is imperfect.